Monthly Archives: May 2009

Creating A Day of Rest In Your Week

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Many spiritual and religious traditions include having a day of rest.  Even for those of you  without a specific spiritual or religious path, wouldn’t a day of rest a week sound wonderful?  Perhaps you would like to have a day of rest once a week to go have a picnic by a lake with your family, or a day up in the mountains. 

Of course, the question is how to make this happen!

This is something I am working toward and can only share my progress and plans.  To me, there needed to be several things in place before I could have a day of rest.  These things included 1-all the housework and laundry done beforehand, the refrigerator full, errands done 2- a plan for meals and advance meal  preparation for our day of rest to also include a special dinner the night before our day of rest  3- a plan for that day for my family, including  perhaps a special box of things that only come out on that day for the children to play with in the morning  and also notions on  how we would spend our day.

My plans so far include doing things each day of the week to get ready for the day of rest, and using the two days before the day of rest as more serious preparation days.  This past weekend we experimented with easy meals/meals made in advance and found that satisfactory.  Having a plan to get housework, laundry, errands, grocery shopping all done and in place has also been a huge help.

Just something to think about and see if this appeals to you,

Carrie

Creating A Family Mission Statement

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My husband and I are in the process of writing a mission statement, has anyone out there ever done that?  It is a truly interesting process, and for those of you who are interested, I thought I would outline some steps regarding creating a family mission statement of your own.

First of all, sit down with your spouse or significant other and talk to them about this.  Discuss with each other the fundamentals of life, such as:  What are the attitudes in our family regarding money?  What do we feel the place or importance of education is in our family?  How does our family regard religion or spirituality, and how does this play into our everyday lives?  What is the role of activities outside of our family?  Is the environment extremely important to us and how do we reflect that?  Is helping other people or participating in our neighborhood, church or synagogue, or community essential?  For those of you who are parents, do you have a view of childhood development or loving guidance that really plays center stage in your daily life?

It is an eye-opening experience to have these conversations with your significant other!  It can also take a long time, and this is not a step to be rushed.  Really talk about these things, and think about them and ponder them. What is most important to you both as you shape your family? 

Then talk to the other adults in your house if you have extended family living with you.  Some sources say to then sit down with your children  with the value statements you and your partner came up with and see what they have to say.  Some mothers I have spoken with talk about how you can ask your children for adjectives that they would use to describe the family, what the children think  is most important to mother and father, what they think about their family. 

I think this step could be quite head-oriented and somewhat difficult to grasp for the under –nine crowd.  Perhaps something better for you and your partner may be  to set your mission statement as you together create your family environment (and then change the mission statement to include your children’s ideas as they grow and mature, of course!)  So I guess the inclusion of children, for me personally , would really  have to depend on the ages and maturity  of the children involved.  Some older children may have valuable input, or at least a specific idea or example of something where you could tie this to a bigger value for your mission statement, whereas a three or four year old probably will just parrot whatever  their big brother or sister has to say!  I know this is not a popular view nowadays, in the age of democratic and consensual family living, but I thought I would throw it out there that you really are in charge of setting the tone for your own home first and foremost!  As always, take what resonates from my writings and ideas and adapt it to your own family.

However you decide to do this process, you would then write down the value statements or ideas that family members come up with in sentences, as many sentences as you need.  You could then see if any similarities exist among the value statements where you could group them under one heading so to speak.  For example, “health” to you may include physical health, spirituality practices, alternative health care, eating styles and communication styles, breastfeeding and attachment parenting.  

For older children some families provide follow-up sentences to each value sentence that explains how this value would be implemented – for example, if living simply is a strong value, perhaps examples of follow-up statements would include buying used whenever possible, considering the reduction of packaging in purchasing decisions, treating the earth kindly, involvement in environmental justice kinds of activities, etc.

Once you have your family’s mission statement you can put it somewhere and frame it for easy reference – do not just tuck it away in a drawer!  This should be the touchstone of discerning what is essential for you and your family.  It should help you determine what you will participate in and what you won’t, and how you will live. 

Mission statements are living documents that need to updated as your family members grow and mature; set regular dates to review, revise, re-frame your thoughts.

Perhaps all or part of this process may appeal to you and your family; please leave a comment in the comment section below !

Peaceful family living to you and yours,

Carrie

Making Yourself A Priority in the Parenting Equation

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Have you grown to feel resentful of your child and the lack of boundaries, the lack of  time for your own dreaming, the lack of time for planning?

It is time for a CHANGE!

First of all, have you ever just congratulated yourself in the excellent job you have done being a mother?  It is difficult in those early years to learn how to surrender your time, your body, your breasts, your bed and your bath to a little baby with such intense needs.  Those days where  baby or even small toddler  and you are together, a beautiful open oneness.

Until the day comes that perhaps you realize your child is changing and you realize that your child is not just a reflection of you, a part of you, an extension of you.  They are their own wonderful, unique separate human being!  A marvelous being who is completely different from YOU.  You are not the same as your child.

So how do we regain some balance in our homes and in our lives?

First of , we do accept that if we have a baby, our baby’s needs deserve to be met and we are CHOOSING to meet them in the way we are responding to our baby.  We also accept the fact that  our parenting must change as our child grows and goes through different stages.  If you need help knowing what is appropriate when, please do look through past posts on this blog regarding the developmental stages of the three, four, five, six and seven-year-old. 

Secondly, we accept those moments in parenting that are a challenge.  In the book “Everyday Blessings” Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn write that,  “Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart. Each time I come to understand something about one of my children, I also learn something about myself and the child that I once was, and that knowledge acts as a guide for me. When I am able to empathize and feel compassion for a child’s pain, when I am accepting of the contrary, irritating, exasperating behaviors that my children can manifest, try on, experiment with – the healing power of unconditional love heals me as it nourishes them. As they grow, I grow. My transformations are inside.”

We start to look for ways of balancing not only the needs of our child (once our child is old enough), and the needs of ourself and our family.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Practice Mindful Parenting /Being in The Present–

Ask yourself, “Is this establishing connection and trust with my child?” “Is this a respectful way to treat my child?” Ask yourself, “Is this a short-term solution that has really bad long-term consequences?” Ask yourself “Is this about my inner balance? My own stuff?”

2.  Practice Acceptance –

In Everyday Blessings, Myra and Jon Kabat-Zinn write that acceptance is an inner orientation which acknowledges that things are as they are, whether they are the way we want them to be or not.

“How I respond to this episode is determined by how I see or don’t see my child in that moment.”

“There are so many different ways to view what we often call “difficult” or “negative behaviors” in our children. What might be completely unacceptable to someone else might be normal behavior to me, and vice versa.”

They suggest practicing in these ways:

-Try to imagine the world from you child’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world

-Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?

–There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with our children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering and controlling.

3. Acceptance is Easier If We Know and Understand Normal Breastfeeding Behavior and Normal Developmental Stages….

4. Stop describing yourself as busy  because this is viewing a situation as negative and it is not helpful to you! ( from the book The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood, page 15)   Try re-framing your thoughts!

5. Guard Your Mind (pg. 15 from The Hidden Feelings Of Motherhood) “Pay attention to what you watch, listen to, and read…Try to be selective and look for material that builds you up and nourishes your spirit.”

6.  Take Care of Your Body (pg. 15 from The Hidden Feelings of Motherhoood) “You need to consider it a priority to eat well, exercise, sleep and get regular physicals.”   Those of you out there struggling with low milk supply and nursing, do know that anemia, hypothryoidism and other physical factors can impact milk supply!  Get checked out!

7.  Be Unavailable at Least Some Time Every Day.

8.  Plan Restorative Vacations at home – time to do the things that would make you feel better!

9. Practice Being Grateful for What You Have

10. Laugh more – do not take everything in mothering so seriously!  There are many things that three, four, five and six year olds say that do not need to be given such all-serious weight!

11. Seek out a mothering mentor –someone who is POSITIVE

12. Cultivate a spiritual life and seek out the beautiful in life!

13.  None of this is helping –Consult with a professional right away!

  1. Baby Blues – Usually occurs days three to 7 post-partum
  2. Post – Partum Depression – Depressed mood continuing past the “baby-blues” time frame of three to seven days postpartum, suffered by at least one out of every 8 mothers. Often accompanied by severe anxiety/panic, spontaneous crying, agitation, insomnia, obsessional thoughts, disinterest in baby, suicidal thinking.
  3. Depression = social isolation is a contributor to this! Feelings of extreme sadness or despair lasting two weeks or longer, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, disturbed sleep or appetite, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, feelings of worthlessness, withdrawal from friends or family, suicidal thinking.

From page 26 onward “The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood” talks about being committed to getting well, ruling out physical causes, knowing your treatment options, getting good nutrition, nutritional supplementation, exercise, use of cognitive behavioral therapy (which is the only talk therapy that is as effective as medication for treatment of depression and anxiety), use of herbs and antidepressants.  This is a great book, please do check it out!

  1. Burn Out – feeling negative (sad or angry every day), interpersonal problems, health problems, loss of enthusiasm and feeling meaningless, substance abuse. Kathleen Kendall Tackett advises us to stop denying, get reconnected (people have a tendency to withdraw when they are under stress), set boundaries, get some help with your work, get treatment for depression.
  2. “Depleted Mother Syndrome” from the  book  “Mother Nurture” has a checklist on page 28 regarding possible areas where demands are placed on you, and has short-term and long-term stress relievers.
  3. What about ANGER??   There are posts on this blog regarding anger, please do go to the tags box and look them up!

The book “Mother Nurture”  suggests stopping things from building up- defuse BEFORE you blow up. Do not over give, blow off steam as you go along, take a break before you get to the breaking point.

Mothers who feel “manipulated” by their children often feel angry – check out normal development again!  See the fast little “quiz” below – can you guess what developmental behavior comes when?   Children below the age of 7 do not have the logical and cognitive abilities to be “deceptive”. Are you prickly to “challenges to your authority”? Is your own childhood getting mixed into your family? Are you taking it all just way too personally? Understand the way you are perceiving things is the true source of anger…..What is beneath the anger?

Check out NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg or Love and Anger by Nancy Samalin for further   help!

Everyday Blessings talks about when your children are babies and toddlers, the struggle for balance takes the form of continually tapping our own resources to provide intense care-giving.

 

 

Quick Quiz!

My baby… My baby is “X” weeks/months/years old
Is breastfeeding 8 to 12 times in a 24 hour period Newborn to ????
Nurses once every 24 minutes for about three minutes Newborn to ??? in countries where baby is carried while mom works
Has six or more wet diapers a day, and at least three bowel movements a day. After mature milk comes in
Breathes with regularity, has a steady heart rate, no longer has an erratic temperature (4 weeks)
Has preferred positions to lie in, and loves to sit supported and look at the world (16 weeks)
Coos, laughs, chuckles out loud (16 weeks)
Prefers to sit and can maintain it, and loves to have something in his hands. ( 5 to 7 months)
Cries at the sight of strangers (32 weeks and 44 weeks)
Darts and dashes and flings things (15 months)
Gets into everything (15 months or once walking)
Will climb stairs endlessly (18 months)
Says “No” to everything (18 months)
Is loving and affectionate and warm to other people (2 years)
Is rigid, inflexible, wants everything exactly how she wants it, domineering, demanding, wants the exact same routine every day (2 and a half years)
Loves to be a “we” with Mommy (3 years)
Has poor coordination, stutters, has hand tremors, blinks her eyes, bites her nails, frequently cries, whines, questions Mommy, is bossy. (3 and a half years)
Out of bounds – hitting, kicking, throwing, loudly laughs, fits of rage (4 years old)
Loves to know about the details of things, better can deal with his frustrations, (4 and a half)
Thinks Mommy is  the center of her world (5 years old)
Loves Mommy one minute and hates her  the next, is demanding and rigid and inflexible, is very negative, has to be praised, has to win. Fights with his words and his fists. (5 and a half, 6 years)
Is moody, morose, mopes and is fatigued a lot. Says no one likes him. (7 years old)
Is expansive, speedy, starting a million different projects. He is interested in what Mommy thinks! Literally haunts Mommy and wants to be around a lot. (8 years old)
Is much more interested in friends than family. Wants to have his independence, maturity and separateness respected. (9 years)
Really wants to be good and do what is right. (10 years)
   
Was a really poor eater, but we have seen a big rise in appetite (4 and a half to 5 years)
Can’t sit still at the table (6 years)
Is now an excellent eater! (8 years old)
Goes to bed willingly but has night terrors (5 years old)
Wanders around the house in the middle of the night (3 years old)
Could nurse 7 or 9 times a day, but we can also negotiate about when to nurse, nursing length may last about a minute (4 years old)  – from Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and studies of nursing habits of 4 year olds in Bangladesh.
Nurses like a newborn again! ( 13 months to 18 months)
Nurses a lot, but my friend has a baby the same age who only nurses a few times a day and for naptimes and bedtimes (2 years old, 2 and a half)
Naturally weaned, nursing just tapered off and I don’t know when the last nursing was (4 or so and up, some sources say at least two and a half and up)
Can live with some limits on nursing (3 years old)  This is from “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” published by LLLI

 

 

You are the grown-up, but you need energy infusions from family, friends, to keep going. When we are balanced, we can be child-centered, but not child-obsessed. We can be excited about our children, appreciative of our children, relate to our children, but not be over-involved and over-invested. We can set some boundaries and say them without being hostile or rejecting our children.

Lovingly yours,

Carrie

Wonderful Words From Marsha Johnson!

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This post is NOT by me, but by Master Waldorf Teacher Marsha Johnson, who lives in the Portland area.  She wrote this wonderful post this morning, I so encourage you to read it carefully, consider it, weigh it in your heart.  Please do go and join her Yahoo!group waldorfhomeeducators.  This is an excellent post, just excellent.  Please read Marsha Johnson’s wise words and enjoy!

“One recurring thread that emerges again and again in the various home schooling groups is the embracing of Info-Mation as Edu-Cation. This is an approach that relies on the passing along of facts and figures to the children, rather like filling up a blank sheet of paper with a long list of data. This kind of education is one that many parents themselves were exposed to as children in lower schools and is yet embraced by many institutions of higher learning.
I have jokingly referred to it as Information Vomitus. Particularly in graduate school, one absorbs mounds of information and must regurgitate it accurately within a time period, and those who can do this are considered ‘smart’.
As a species, some of us just love this habit. We have game shows where we love to quiz people on obscure and odd facts and see who can answer the most questions correctly. There are board games that focus on this aimless ‘art’, like Trivial Pursuit. That name does make me laugh at least the use of the word trivial. Small and meaningless.

As parents, we tend to veer unconsciously towards teaching our children in the way we ‘were taught’. This tendency is really one of the most dangerous and damaging stage in the life of the homeschooling family.

Why do I say this? Because the children of today, the millennial children, the Shining Ones, are very different than the previous generation of children, those born from the 1950s to the 1990s, when the Information Age really began to dominate. The idea was strewn about that one could improve a child’s IQ with exposure to this Factoid Education and that children were really blank slates whose minds could be sharpened and very soon after this time period began we started seeing massive testing of children as large population groups and lo and behold, a lot of stereotyping also began to show up in the statistics. All sorts of rather wicked and demeaning conclusions have been drawn from this kind of erroneous practice.

When we begin to ‘school’ children, and some are so anxious they start right away as soon as Baby can focus her eyes, we reach back into our own educational experiences and most often pull forward this kind of teaching that involves a lot of child sitting-parent speaking.

With a sense of humor here, often the children quickly teach the parent that this kind of education isn’t going to persist for too long. As children are naturally good and sweet and want to make us big people happy, they often accommodate us with love and grace, and put up with quite a bit of this kind of dreary boring presentation.

But some don’t. They rise up and run about and wiggle away, dancing, singing, going outside, done-with-that!, let’s have snack happy attitude that is probably the most logically kind response possible.

The type of education that really fits the developmental stage of the child most closely, from my own point of view, is Waldorf education. Within the very ‘bones’ of Rudolf Steiner’s philosophies we find the most wonderful comprehension of how children are, what children need, and why we must approach the education of the child with an imaginative, artistic technique. A warm and inclusive attitude. A whole-child, integrated program that moves smoothly from moment to moment to create a kind of living-dream, wherein the child floats, soars, rests, and grows.

And this is probably the very opposite of the Info-Mation protocol, which calls mostly on the forces of the nerve-sense pole, the head, the hearing and memory and goes down dry as a desert rock in late summer.

Will you provide an education that inspires your child and yourself? Can you take a subject and find the Alice-In-Wonderland Rabbit Hole that will allow you to enter in a playful and unexpected fashion? How much of the school time is spent sitting and listening, or writing or copying? How much is spent moving, doing, trying, inventing, creating, cooperating, considering, digesting?

I am struck again and again by how passionate and devoted parents can be to a style of learning that would, well, invoke passion and interest in someone 35 years old or older? (smiles here) But a six year old is in his first decade, not the fourth, and taking the dry factual program to this tender age should really be some kind of crime.

Destroying a child’s imagination and tramping through their fairy land of fantasy with the bulldozers of ‘real life’ is actually a crime against childhood. We are surrounded by immense pressure from commercial marketers, manufacturers, media moguls, and those who want to benefit from premature aging. It is unbelievable, a very sophisticated and invisible force to destroy childhood and create an endless period of ‘tween’ and ‘teen’. Did you know the average age of video game players is actually 29 years old? This means there many older and younger right around 30 years of age who devote most of their free time to staring at screens.

One of the easiest ways to judge how a lesson is being received is to keep a close eye on the recipient. Rather than lose your adult self into the lovely land of facts and transmitting these facts, say a few words and watch the child. Allow for pauses and wait a bit. Does the child keep her attention focused on you, do the cheeks pink up, do the eyes sparkle, doe he sit forwards towards you, hanging on your words? Or does she fidget, grow pale, look down or elsewhere, try to rise and leave? Observe the child closely during the day, during play, during rest, during active vigorous exercise. Learn the color patterns of the child’s skin, the facial and body gestures. Configure your lessons in such a way that the child’s response is one of delight, close attention, desire to participate, and shows a healthy age appropriate expression.

Young children naturally move and use their bodies to learn. Incorporate this into each lesson and every day in your home teaching. Sitting is only one of many types of positions that the young child assumes in the natural exploration of the physical world. Adults tend to sit for the vast majority of each day in both work and play. There is much to be gained from moving often and finding physical ways to enhance the learning experiences.

The old saying `give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime’, is a perfect mantra for teaching the young human born in the early 2000s. Consider subject matter from the child’s point of view, figure out what you can do in your lessons that allow the child to use the three elements of self: head, heart, and hands. One of the greatest errors in current educational practice is the sole focus on the head learning, forcing young children to sit at tables for long days, wearying their spirits and graying their outlook. Early academic fatigue syndrome is rampant in our country and fortunately, almost 100 years ago, Rudolf Steiner illuminated a brilliant pathway of education that is more relevant today than ever before. Living artistic age-appropriate lessons, every day, naturally engaging and guaranteed to engender a life long love of learning.

Marsha Johnson, Spring 2009”

Thank you Marsha, for these words that I am holding in my heart,  thank you for being here and sharing with us,

Carrie

Homeschooling Multiple Children with Waldorf

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If we readily agree that homeschooling is first and foremost about family, then there is no question that we home school with that in mind, and do not think,”Oh, I am going to have to send my two, three or four year old away” in order to home school my grades child.

I think Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschooling Resources puts it very succinctly in her “First Grade Syllabus”:  “Similarly, if homeschooling is about family, we won’t get into a state about how to teach our First Grader when the baby and pre-schooler are around.  We live together, we relax into our shared life – and we make it happen.”

However, there are several practicalities to be considered:

Little ones do need something to do while you are homeschooling the older children!  They are not just going to “hang out” while you completely focus your attention on your older child. 

If the practicalities involves children who are  walking through age 3:

  • Perhaps activities especially for them could center on a few songs or finger plays for them to start the morning and then setting them up with completely repetitive sensory tasks such as playing with water or sand in a sensory table, pushing a small cart, digging, pouring.
  • Little ones may need protection from eating of block crayons and your older children may need  protection of the destruction of main lesson books.   The way you organize your schoolroom and what supplies you bring down when will be paramount.
  • Needless to say, it will be difficult and dangerous to have your small child zipping through your house or outside without you there, so thinking about the physical set-up of your space is very important.
  • You may schedule snack time if your little one is eating solids and  if eating keeps them occupied.  More intense work with the older one may be a great time to nurse the little one.
  • Do not underestimate the power of homeschooling outside if that is a possibility!
  • How about scheduling some of the more intense things during nap time or at night if your older child gets to stay up later than a younger child?  You are home, you can be flexible.  Your home school does not have to function within the hours of a typical Waldorf school.
  • How about enlisting help of another adult – what role does Dad have in your home school?  Is there a teenager or preteen that could be a Mother’s Helper for a few hours each week who could watch the baby or toddler while you are also at home doing something more intense with your older child?
  • There are also many websites with ideas of things for toddlers to do during “Class Times” – these include making “I Spy” kinds of sealed bottles with sand and small objects inside to rotate around and look for;  sticking a lot of tiny  stickers to fill up a small space.  (Okay, these are not especially Waldorf-y, but many mainstream websites have ideas such as these :).   Other ideas for very small children may include playing with fluffs of wool, baskets of sticks and pinecones and silks.  If you have not seen “Toymaking with Children”, this is a great book to check out regarding how to make toys your children will play with from birth up!

If the practicalities are stemming around a three or four year old and up:

  • They may be ready to start on a rhythm themselves of circle time, a story with puppetry or modeling, and some practical work.  Perhaps you could do this in the morning first thing so they feel as if they have done something special for the day.
  • Many families start their mornings with a walk or being outside in nature to really get that energy out first.
  • A special box of toys and things that only comes down when  you do school (where the things in it rotate on a day-by-day basis) is often appreciated.
  • Again, homeschooling outside and being flexible with the times you teach some of the more intense material is helpful.

A special consideration that arises with families using Waldorf is this notion that the younger one must be so protected that if a 4 year old is torturing us to learn to write a few letters we ignore, if our six year old wants a main lesson book, we ignore, a four or six year old cannot hear the older ones’ stories. Rubbish; a heap of rubbish I say!  This may irritate some people, but here is what I think:

Yes, the stories in the curriculum is going to speak most deeply to the child when the child is at that point – in other words, Saint stories will speak most deeply to the 8 year old second grader, Old Testament stories will speak most deeply to  the 9 year old third grader – but if they hear it before then, it is generally okay (Norse myths are rather intense and may be an exception).

Yes,  if a four year old who wants to learn to read and write you should be directing them into other bodily activities, but you may also decide to teach to her to give her a piece of paper and  a crayon to scribble and pretend to write.  If she is extremely persistent and undeterred, perhaps you teach her to write her initials or her name and she may be perfectly satisfied with that and not wanting more after that.  We must respect the intelligence of Steiner’s seven year cycles, but sometimes a four year old really is happy to learn to write just an initial, and then they are totally  happy and able to move onto other things.  Please DO NOT take this out of context and report I am saying you should teach your four year old how to learn to read and write – you should NOT.  But sometimes I feel it is okay to loosen up a bit so the child can move on if they are extremely persistent.  Direct them into their bodies, come up with projects for them to do, but it probably is also natural that in their imitative phase they will want to imitate an older sibling writing.

A six year old may have a Main Lesson Book that he may write in if he feels like it, and when he goes through the First Grade when he is seven he will enjoy the fairy tales and pictorial approach to the letters whether he can write all his letters before hand or not!  And if he doesn’t want to write in his Main Lesson Book that is okay as well.  The point is that the curriculum speaks to where the child is in their soul development.

We have to be careful to make Waldorf work for us in the home environment, not against us!  We have to understand and respect the seven year cycles, but also respect that Waldorf at home is not Waldorf at school. 

While it would be lovely to have the entire circle time, stories, poems, songs memorized, I have also mentioned several times that mothers write things out and place it between two sheets of watercolor painted paper as their “Special Book.”  Donna Simmons talks about this extensively in her work, please see her website and books for more details. 

You can use an open and go syllabus; it is okay!

Most importantly, relax.  You need to know what is taught when and WHY there, but you can tailor Waldorf to your family and to the stages your children are in.  Your children will not be little forever; again, make Waldorf work for you in your home environment and not against you.

You can do this!

Carrie

The Heart Of Waldorf Homeschooling

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(CARRIE”S NOTE:  I regret to say that as of 6/2010  this link no longer is working.  Sorry about that!)

Lovey over at Lovey-land wrote a post that should be at the top of all Waldorf homeschooling mama’s reading lists:

http://lovey-land.blogspot.com/2009/05/stumbling-blocks-and-answers.html

This post is essentially the heart of the Waldorf curriculum. Handwork and enjoying being outside in nature does not a Waldorf homeschooler make.  Incorporating stories does not a Waldorf homeschooler make.  Being media-free does not a Waldorf homeschooler make.

The heart of Waldorf  education is understanding and believing and trusting in the seven-year cycles of childhood development and understanding how each and every subject is laid out at the proper time for the holistic development of the child within the curriculum.    It is trusting that even though a child is interested in something, they are interested in lots of things, and that the things laid out in the curriculum of Waldorf education really provides the subject at the best possible time for the child to learn, grow and take this material into themselves. For example, we could look at rock layers as we camp near a canyon and our child is interested, but the curriculum will delve into geology in depth in the sixth grade in a response and deepening to the fact that a sixth grader is becoming more solidified in their position on Earth.   The entire curriculum works as stepping stones, building upon each layer, year after year.    It assists us, a society who can’t seem to find a clue about what a child needs when or how a child develops anymore, to be better educators and parents.

Waldorf education is academically rigorous, and we have so many advantages in homeschooling using Waldorf.  But the key is still to know what comes in the curriculum and WHY it comes there.  We can tailor things to our own family, but we must know and understand the big picture of what comes when in order to do this.

The heart of Waldorf is not natural toys, and the pink bubble of Kindergarten that people think exists and lasts forever.  Kindergarten and delayed academics is a short part of the entire scholarly career.  While practical skills such as handwork, cooking or woodworking  are important,  that is not the heart and soul of it all.   What IS the heart and soul is the way that Waldorf teaches the right thing, at the right time, in the most concise way possible – a method Steiner himself called “soul economy.”

Thanks to Lovely over at Lovey-land.  You read my mind today,

Carrie

Kindness In Your Home

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I personally think most people are convinced that kindness is what they want for themselves, for their families and for their homes, but they are not sure what steps to take to ensure kindness prevails even in the most pressured situations of being in the trenches of parenting, mothering, marriage and life.

Let’s delve a little deeper into the how-to’s of kindness. First, we need to know exactly what kindness is:

The Definition of Kindness:

Kindness, as listed in Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, is defined as:

1 Affectionate, loving

2A. Of a sympathetic nature: disposed to be helpful and solicitous

2B. Of a gentle nature

3. Agreeable

As you can see, many times kindness is equated with being helpful or helping someone else. In some religious and spiritual traditions, the notion of doing “charitable acts” is directly correlated with the above definitions of kindness! Kindness, then, is an action that one commits to each and every day!

Mary Ann Kerwin, one of La Leche League’s co-founders had this to say about parenting in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, “Our children teach us much more than we realize. Being a mother has taught me patience, perseverance, self-discipline, and hard work. “(page 170, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding). Kindness, as we can see from the definitions above, also involves the development of being helpful, patient and loving. Part of parenting is perhaps working at becoming a kinder person!

Why Start in Our Homes?

We start in our own homes because we set a tone for our household whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. We start in our own homes because the people we love the most are right there in front of us. We start in our own homes as part of the quiet revolution that good parenting is going to make as a mark upon the next generation of our country’s leaders, innovators and creators. We start because we want our home to be a place of warmth and love and joy for our family and friends. And most of all, we start in our own homes because we want to be the change we want to see in the world. Kindness is a wonderful place to start in setting the tone for our homes.

 

How Do I Do It?

1. Start with Yourself

If we all agree that kindness can be a foundation for “charitable action” throughout the day, a commitment that we must get up and make each and every day, then we can all conjure up that phrase, “Charity begins at home.” This is essential: that home and with ourselves are where we begin. We can only control our own actions; we must start there.

Here are some quotes to inspire you:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding points out on page 256 that, “As the baby-child grows, he will need guidance, instruction, and sometimes correction to learn the ways of our world. If the foundation of secure love was laid when he was a baby, and if he sees his parents as kind, polite, and considerate people, he will try to imitate them, because he wants to act in ways that please them (most of the time).”

In the book Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids, author Naomi Drew says, “When we take steps in our daily lives to get along with others, work out conflicts, listen when people speak, communicate respectfully, let go of anger, and respect differences, we affect the world in a positive way. Starting gradually, with ourselves and with the people we are close to, our relationships begin to improve, causing a ripple effect. Before long, we see that by living the skills of peacemaking, we make a positive difference in our own lives and the lives of every person we touch.”

Here are some tips for the road:

· Slow down: As much as you can, slow down. Evaluate how many activities you and your family are participating in. How many times a week do you eat dinner together? Play together?

· Think about a family mission statement: We can slow down by defining our very most important priorities, and realize this may mean giving something up. Naomi Drew asks us to ask ourselves, “What do you believe are the most important things you can do for and with your children in the time you have with them?” “What memories do you want to create for your children?” “What do you want to be able to say about yourself as a parent twenty years from now?” “How do you want your children to view their childhood twenty years from now?”

This is very much akin to writing a personal and family mission statement where you and your partner can really sit down and think, “For us, for our family, what does kindness look like in our home?” This is very much akin to writing a personal and family mission statement where you and your partner can really sit down and think, “For us, for our family, what does kindness look like in our home?” Is it no labeling kinds of words? Is it never raising your voice? Is it being able to be speak kindly even in the face of everyone being a yelling mess? Is is being able to see your spouse or child’s point of view during conflict? Who does your acts of kindness extend to- your animals, the plants on your land, your neighbors? Writing a family mission statement can be a eye-opening experience – it can be surprising to find out what your spouse or partner or children really thinks is incredibly important for the family. Writing a family mission statement can also help you and your family tie your shared values in one place for all to see and refer to

 

· Focus on the positive aspects of your role as a homemaker and a parent. Try to do this at least ten minutes a day after your children go to sleep or before they wake up. Most of us have no trouble finding our negative traits as parents or the negative things we bring to the role in which we are setting the tone in our homes. Think about your positive qualities, write them down if you have to!

· Balance of all the Needs of All Family Members: Attachment Parenting talks a bit about balance as one of their Eight Ideals. This is something important to consider – what do you need to be the best parent possible? Are you having physical problems that are affecting your patience and gentleness? Do you need to talk to someone about your life’s journey up to this point in order to heal and be a better parent?

Author Naomi Drew says in Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: “Think of your own life. What can you subtract to restore greater balance? What can you add to be kinder to yourself? Remember, being kind to yourself is neither selfish nor frivolous, quite the contrary. Being kind to yourself feeds the well from which you give to others. Acts of kindness toward yourself are necessities that will enable you to be more loving, compassionate, and available to the people you care about the most.” Can you calmly sit down and discuss this with your partner about what both of you need to be kinder people and come up with a plan to make it happen?

· Think about re-framing your thoughts. “Self-control is mind control,” says author Becky Bailey of the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. “It is being aware of your own thoughts and feelings. By having this awareness, you become the director of your behavior. Lack of self-control turns your life over to other people, events and things as you careen through life on remote control.” Remember, self-discipline on your part means you can teach this to your child; you cannot teach skills you do not possess. More than anything, kindness in the home is a practice.

· Figure out what your irritation points are so you can be in charge of them and they won’t be in charge of you! Is that you are not a morning person and you cannot stand it when you get up and the children start fighting before you have a cup of coffee? Is it your own mother? Is it running errands? What really gets under your skin and how can you come up with a plan to help alleviate the situation? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result, right? Change your strategy to change your result!

· Most of all, remember that you are in charge of YOU. You can change and be the parent and partner you want to be, because you will gain control of yourself first, and be responsible for your own thoughts and actions, and model this for your children. Your family lives what they see in YOU.

Start with your partner or spouse

· Understand the stages of adulthood and marriage: The first thing to realize is that while children go through developmental stages, so do marriages and so do adults. Growing and maturing does not stop at age 21! We hear much talk about “mid-life” crises, but there are whole bodies of works devoted to talking about the cycles of adulthood. Reading and understanding about these cycles may benefit you and your partner with new understanding and compassion for the other person and the most complex of all relationships, marriage.

· Also understand what type of family you are forming – according to Barbara Coloroso’s book “Kids Are Worth It!” this includes the brickwall, jellyfish A and B and the backbone family. There are also other models of family out there, including Linda Budd’s model in the book “Living With the Active Alert Child.” Knowing what kind of family you came from , what your partner came from, and what kind of family you are forming now can help you as you forge a kinder and more peaceful path.

· Re-evaluate your view of conflict. Having a relationship with no conflict at all is not realistic and avoids an opportunity to see the benefits that conflict provides.

· Practice using kind words in your home and making your home a place where you focus on the positive that you see. Practice saying kind things to others as well as yourself – be a good model by showing that you honor yourself!

· Instead of statements that address someone’s character, use statements that describe what you see and how you feel about it. Naomi Drew writes, “When we start from “I”, we take ownership of our feelings and perceptions. “You” places blame on the other person and makes them the brunt of our feelings. “You” puts the other person on the defensive; “I” opens communication.”

· You may investigate Non Violent Communication as a framework takes this even a step further.

· Eliminate sarcasm from your home; when you use sarcasm with your spouse your children see it and hear it.

· Just as you would assume positive intent behind the behavior of your child, assume positive intent for your spouse or partner.

· Model and be “a light” for your family: One wise mother told me on the subject of spouses, “Model what you want to see, but do not nag. Nagging causes rifts and defensive mechanisms and accomplishes nothing.”

· Learn how to handle anger. Can you walk away and regain control? Can you be calm when things are crazy? Can you speak calmly to your partner or spouse about what is bothering you and work it out? Can you be calm as your partner gets upset?

Start with your children

· A very important part of parenting is knowing and understanding childhood development, and what typically happens at what age.

· Understand your child’s specific temperament. Make a sincere effort to accept your child for who they are at every age.

· Avoid labeling your child, even if it is with a label you think is kind.

· You can set clear standards of behavior for your children, but for them to know, you need to decide what those standards are and you need to know how to guide your child toward those standards in a loving way.

Something to inspire you on this subject: “Bear in mind that to say children are equally deserving of dignity and respect does not have to mean that the relationship itself is of equal power. As a parent, you have a broader view and more life experience to draw from, and these are assets you bring to the child as his adult caretaker. You also bear more responsibility for choices surrounding your child than he does.” (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 11).

The question is, can you set the limit with kindness? Without lecturing, over-explaining or defending yourself, being hostile if your child resists? Can you be matter of fact and have peace about the limit you are setting?

There are many times where explanations just don’t work, particularly for a younger child who does not have logical thought yet as part of their developmental maturation .

Nancy Samalin also brings up another reason why sometimes explanations do not work as she writes in her book, “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works”, “Why don’t explanations work? Because we often give children explanations in an attempt to change their minds and make them agree with us. We hope they’ll buy the explanation and not be angry with us. But after a thousand explanations, children still want what they want as much as they wanted it before. And we just have to deal with not giving them what they want.”

In other words, if we are not careful a detailed explanation is just a justification for our demand.

· Re-evaluate and re-commit to gentle discipline.

Okay, quick!  When I say the phrase, “Gentle Discipline” what comes into your mind – the first thing? No censoring!  For many of us, gentle discipline equates with permissiveness and the thought of a Kids Gone Wild Video!  For others of us, gentle discipline equates with being the parent, who, for lack of better phrasing, is the “valium parent” –you know, the parent who never raises their voice, the parent who is always calm and composed.  “Okay, you just pierced your little brother’s nose with a screwdriver in the garage?  Okaaaay, maybe next time you should ask before you do that!”

Maybe some of us are sad when we hear this phrase, because we would like to not be yelling at our children, or hitting our children, but we are not sure what other tools we have in our toolbox to use.

What if I told you I see gentle discipline in a completely different light?

Many parents equate discipline to punishment.  My Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline some other ways, including as “instruction”; “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”.  I love the idea of discipline being a way to guide or lead a child.  There are consequences to the behaviors we choose as individuals, but many times we punish children for being in a developmentally normal state.

Eda LeShan, in her wonderful article, “Please Don’t Hit Your Kids”, published in Mothering Magazine in Spring of 1996, writes:  “We actually tend to hit children who are behaving normally.  A two year old bites because he doesn’t yet know better ways to deal with problems.  A five year old steals crayons at school because five is too young to control the impulse to take what she wants when she wants it.  A 10 year old lies about having joined some friends in teasing a newcomer at school, since at this age it’s normal to want social approval more than fairness.  It takes many years to learn self-restraint.  This is not a crime.  And making children feel guilty and bad doesn’t solve the problem.  What is called for is help in making retribution, having adults explain why such behavior must be overcome.”

Guiding with loving firmness.  THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, page 257 states: “Discipline is a much maligned word, often associated with punishment and deprivation. Yet discipline actually refers to the guidance which we as parents lovingly give our children to help them do the right things for the right reasons- to help them grow into secure, happy, and loving persons able to step out in to the world with confidence in their own ability to succeed in whatever they set out to do.”

So, there is another oft-maligned word that  I believe needs to be attached to the idea of discipline as a way to guide a child – and that word is AUTHORITY.  Authority is a word that leaves a bad taste in many parents’ mouths.  “Authority?  We don’t need any of that here!  Our home is not a police state!”

Well, when I looked up authority in my Webster’s Dictionary, it said that authority is “a citation from a book or file used in defense or support”, “a decision taken as a precedent”, or finally, “power to influence or command thought, opinion or behavior.”   Influencing my child’s behavior is part of my job as a parent, but I felt it did not get across everything I wanted to say in this situation.  Then I noticed that authority and the word a few entries above, authentic, share the same root.  The dictionary says that authentic is “authoritative” and “worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to fact of reality: TRUSTWORTHY.”

So, perhaps you could view your path in gentle discipline as a way to authentically guide your child.  You, as a trustworthy, authoritative guide.

Truly AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP.

· Using gentle discipline methods and thinking of discipline as guiding and teaching can be helpful in setting a tone for your home that is kind.

“Gentle discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting.”  (Adventures in Gentle Discipline, page 3).

Here is a recap of some of the tools you can use in gentle discipline:

1. Humor – Lots of parents take parenting very seriously.  But you can still think about humor, think about not taking it all quite so seriously.  There are many situations where humor can save the day.  Humor helps de-escalate things and also models for your child a positive way to look at the sunny side of things and a way to deal with a stressful or frustrating situation.

Many parents say, Save your big reactions for the big things in life! I agree, but in order to do this, you must know what is BIG in your family and to you.  This goes back to the first things we talked about, starting with yourself and your spouse or partner to think about what is BIG for you and your family. Then you will know where to use humor, where to be serious, and what things really matter!

2.  Distraction – this is a viable tool for all children under 7, and even children that are 7 or 8  can still be fairly distractible.  However, this takes creativity in the heat of the moment to think of an appropriate distraction.  Distraction is not a bribe; it is a way to change to scene to your advantage.

Distraction can also show itself by changing the environment.  Some children just need to be outside when they are upset!

3.  Hugs and kisses and being held – solves lots of things without a lot of words. Sometimes you do not need to say much of anything to your child; just holding them lets them know you are there for them.

4. Use of the word “may”  – as in, “Little Johnny, you may bring your plate to the counter for me.  Thank you!”  Be sincere, and this word works well as you set the tone for your own home. Some parents love this, some parents hate this.

6. Limited choices, less words or no words at all –Try just helping your child get into their coat while you sing a song that you usually sing when you go outside.  Try just handing your child their toothbrush after their bath instead of a whole book about the necessity of dental hygiene.  Children under the age of 7 generally do not do well with verbal words alone; they need your warm and gentle physical presence to follow through on what needs to happen.

7.  Consider the value of time-in. Some families have a place where adults and children can sit together until they all calm down, some mothers just have their child sit near them while they do some sort of rhythmical work.

8.  Ignoring – yup, you heard me right.  The Gesell Institute books routinely recommend turning a blind eye to some of your child’s behaviors if it is not hurting others or themselves (or just driving you plain crazy!).

9.  Physical follow-through – If you say something to a small child, you should expect to have to physically help them follow through.  You should expect to have to physically hold an upset child if they need it.  The physicality of life with a small child is always there – hugs, kisses, a lap to sit on and help to do things as needed.  The child’s respect and dignity always needs to be respected, so you need to be calm and gentle when you are following through, but please remember a young child under 7 is probably not going to function well on verbal directives alone.

10.  FREEZE!  One of the best tools in parenting is learning to take that quick pause in your mind’s eye and ask yourself if what you are about to do is going to help your child be the adult they were meant to be; is it going to escalate or de-escalate the situation, is it going to teach your child something or is it just a moment of anger for you that will pass?

· Understanding anger in parenting and how to deal with it is very important. Vimala McClure, in the book, “The Tao of Motherhood,” has this to say about anger in parenting:

“When you feel angry with your child, know that something rational must be done. State your feelings honestly, then withdraw to process your own emotions and make a plan.

Striking out, either physically or emotionally, may succeed in getting through to the child, but it will also plant the seeds of guilt. Guilt is followed by resentment and bitterness. A victory can therefore end in failure. Too many victories and you will witness the death of your child’s trust.”

You can use “I statements” and talk about how you feel at that moment, you can leave the area for a moment (which is very difficult I think with children under the age of 7), you can make amends when the storm is done. You can “erase” what happened, and start over together.

And besides learning how to deal with our own anger, we must teach our children how to “cool-off.” Some families have a “cool-off” corner where everyone can sit together, some families encourage children to draw their feelings out or do something physical to release the anger. Every family is different and find what works for each individual child through trial and error.

· A rhythm to your day can be your friend, especially when you have small children under the age of 7. If every day has different awake, meal, snack, nap and bedtimes, it can become frustrating when everyone is falling apart, yet you feel like you have not gotten anything done and everyone needed to eat 10 minutes ago. Or conversely, if you have so tight a schedule, then the minute your child doesn’t want to hurry or wants to stop and play, this can be stressful. Try to find the happy medium!

· Learn How to Let Go – Nancy Samalin writes in her book, “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works”: “We readily accept the fact of physical separation but often we forget that a child is not a psychological extension of ourselves, not our possession, not merely a reflection of us.”

As children mature and grow, we have to be willing to let them have more choices and to make mistakes. Nancy Samalin writes, “Our reluctance to let go of our children’s emerging identities comes from our need to have children do things our way, not theirs. If we let them make their own choices, we run the risk of being embarrassed or feeling helpless when they make mistakes. It can be frightening to let a child face the consequences of her own decisions. But in the end she will learn more from the experience of living with her choices than from our nagging, intervening or rescuing.”

Some of this also goes back to knowing and understanding developmental stages. Natural consequences should not be a punishment for a small child (ie, my child who is three does not want to wear a coat in Winter, so I will leave the coat at home – is that a natural consequence or a punishment?) but yet a teenager may need opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. It also goes back to deciding the heart of what is important for you and your family.

Nancy Samalin points out that we can often be hardest on the child who reminds us of ourselves. The less personally you can take the behavior, the more kind you can be. I always say to new mothers of toddlers, It starts off that it is a “good” day if your toddler doesn’t melt down and cry or scream; in later parenting it becomes a good day if you held it together through the melt down or the crying or the screaming. With a child that is older, over seven, you can try to listen more and solve the problem less.

What Happens When Things Are Not Going Well? (Or, The I Really Can’t Do This):

If you are feeling overwhelmed by what you perceive as the negative in your family or in your parenting, the question really becomes what do we do? Here are a few thoughts:

We can try.  We set the tone in our home whether we set it unconsciously or consciously. Each day, each moment, we can try to set the tone in our home toward our ideal.  It is never too late to change, to try, to stop in the middle of a sentence and do something different.  It is never to late to take your child and love them. 

We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.  We are not perfect, we are human.  We all fall short at times.  We can be kind to ourselves and show our children how to have grace when we make a mistake. 

We can get help. We can ask for help from our family, our friends, our neighbors. We can get counseling, we can go to support groups like La Leche League or Attachment Parenting International and get support for our parenting, we can talk to the spiritual leaders who speak to our hearts.  We can investigate if our physical health is impacting our minds, our patience.  Many medical professionals are available to help. 

We can take it easy.  Maybe this is the day we just need to relax and recharge.

We can focus on bedtime and catch some precious moments to ourselves after the children go to sleep and use that to meditate, pray or engage in spiritual work.

We can do our best to go to sleep; I am convinced many of the challenges mothers are facing could be helped if mothers would go to bed and get some rest.  We so often feel we have to satisfy everyone’s needs but our own; our own sleep is paramount to do this!

It is important you can show your family about how to recover from a mistake, a you that shows them we can still do things wrong and make it right, a you that is resilient in the face of life.

 

Kindness within your home is a process, a journey and a practice. You can form relationships for support from other like-minded parents, you can always also talk to your local La Leche League Leader, Attatchment Parenting International Leader or supportive mental health professionals who can help you brainstorm different ideas regarding kindness and peacemaking in your home. As always, take what works for you and your family from these ideas.

Peaceful Parenting,

Carrie