Pregnancy is Preparation of the Soul – Part 1 of 3

Posted on October 13, 2008 by Carrie

Joan Salter, founder and director of The Gabriel Baby Centre in Melbourne, Australia writes in her book Incarnating Child,

“The mother-to-be often feels obliged to continue at work right up to the last month. There are financial obligations to be met- the mortgage on the house, payment on the car, and the cost of equipment for the baby. These are pressing demands which necessitate two incomes for as long as possible. The morning rush, evening tiredness, and the demands of the work situation all take their toll of subtle inner stirrings.”

“It was not so for the previous generations. Then, the mother-to-be remained at home. There was knitting to be done, baby’s clothes to stitch, blankets to embroider. Friends called to admire the layette, to enthuse over Grandma’s hand-knitted shawl, to bring a gift, to share the growing anticipation.

This was much more than a time for collecting baby’s clothes; it was also a significant soul preparation.”

What a lovely way to think about pregnancy: soul preparation. While we cannot return to the years gone by, here are some suggestions for the preparation part of pregnancy.

Think about ways to connect to your unborn baby that feel comfortable to you. We have all heard stories of women who did not know they were pregnant until they went into labor – the ultimate body-mind disconnect! Let your unborn child know how much you love him or her from the beginning. I suggest active ways to do this could include such things as talking to your unborn baby, singing to your unborn baby, massaging your pregnant belly, visualizing your baby, meditating on your unborn baby. Be assured this baby is a miracle. Christiane Northrup writes in her wonderful book Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the Crucial Link Between Mothers, Daughters, and Health,

“Regardless of the circumstances of your conception, be assured that your existence is a miracle. The odds against any one of us being born are staggeringly high. Your mother’s body had tens of thousands of eggs to choose from. Only one of them ripened the month you were conceived. That egg accepted just one of the millions of sperm available to her from your father at that moment. Then, guided by biology, destiny, and your soul qualities, the embryo that was you had to make it through the multiple stages of development necessary to launch your unique life into being. For a variety of reasons- genetic, environmental, or a combination of both- most conceptions never reach maturation. Of the relatively few eggs that do get fertilized, 80 percent never make it to the embryonic stage. The statistical probability of a particular egg and a particular sperm coming together to create the unique human that you are is infinitesimally small. On a soul level, of course, statistics mean nothing. If a creation or individual is destined to be born, it will happen. I’ve seen this repeatedly. Babies get conceived under mysterious circumstances in which conception is considered biologically impossible or highly improbable.”

2. Think about how you and your partner communicate with each other. You may consider such groups as The Center for NonViolent Communication for further information. See www.cnvc.org to get started. Changing from being a couple to being responsible for a baby who is completely dependent upon both of you for everything is exciting and wonderful but can also have challenging moments. Communication between you and your partner is one key in making this transition as wonderful as possible. Think about how you will invest in each other as your roles change and grow. Make a commitment to grow together!

More ways to connect to unborn baby and the experience of mothering with heart and soul to follow!

Parenting As Partners

Posted on October 8, 2008 by Carrie

Today’s post is more for the mothers in the audience. I just finished reading Master Waldorf Teacher Jack Petrash’s “Navigating the Terrain of Childhood.” It is a lovely book in which he equates childhood development to driving across the United States and seeing the sights and provides many insights. In the chapter entitled, “The Challenge of Driving – Together and Alone,” he writes: “Both marriage and parenting are transformational undertakings. To successfully grow and work together, it is essential that we remain open to learning. In particular, we have to be willing to learn from our spouse. Contained in their perspective is a point of view that completes and enhances our own.”

Yes, this is the challenging thing about parenting, is it not? When there are two of you, you both have to parent like it! One cannot make all the decisions unilaterally, decisions within a household need to be made as a team and with a bigger focus in mind. Once you have been involved in parenting long enough, there probably will be instances where you feel regretful about the way one thing or another was handled (either the way you handled it or the way your partner handled it). The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and go on – the children do go on, they really do a much better job of it than we do!

One thing I can offer is to be as compassionate and easy with yourself and your partner as possible. We so often expect “perfect parenting” out of ourselves and our loved ones, often with the notion that if we do everything right, then our children will “turn out right”. Yet there are essential differences between mothering and fathering, between men and women, and a child reaps a truly positive advantage by being exposed to both.

Yet, there are often challenges for fathering just as there are in mothering. Fathers often do not have the same support network we have developed, they often have less moments and occasions of interactions with the children than we do and therefore the situation may be newer to them, they often have not read as much and obsessed as much as we do! On top of it, they have work stress, commuting stress, and switching gears from office politics toward dealing with wee ones can be tough. They themselves may be the only dad they know parenting the way they do – which may bother them (or not). When I remember all the things my spouse is dealing with that I am not, it helps me to see he needs me to also consider him. His needs and feelings are also valid and while we so often put our children first, our spouses cannot be last. Knowing your husband’s temperament is also a huge help. For example, when his need for peace is not being met, is it likely he will take it in stride or is it likely he will yell? Is he a person that is passionate and highly reactive to things or does he see the world calmly and evenly? How was he parented as a child? Who are his role models for fathering? Does he have any?

Knowing these things about each other can help sustain an alliance of sound parenting as partners. While hopefully you both are on the same page about the big things, there should be a difference between the way you handle something and your husband handles something because you are different people. Some parents sit down and write parenting mission statements. Some parents talk about the qualities they hope to see in their grown-up children and use that to guide their decision-making in the childhood years. If you have adjusted your rhythm to having your small children in bed early, then you hopefully have the time to talk to your partner regarding your children and discuss issues and challenges ahead of time so you are both a little more prepared and can act as a united force within your home. Perhaps you can map out how to respond to things gently and with love, with humor. Perhaps you can just spend time together and put love, time and tenderness into your Marital Bank Account. If you put nothing into your marriage, your partner may be reacting to that issue even more than to whatever behavior your child is currently exhibiting! Parents who are true partners, lovers and friends have a much better chance of being on the same disciplinary page than those spouses who never see each other and never have time to talk. There are stages of development in a marriage, just like the stages of development our children go through. Just as we would never leave our small children to figure out everything on their own, we should not leave our marriage to just “be” with no thought or investment.

This sounds so old-fashioned, but taking care of your husband is really important. If your husband feels like he is always last on the family list, he may feel unloved and grouchy and this can come out within family interactions. Our hormones change with pregnancy and breastfeeding; a man’s hormones do not drastically change with advent into fatherhood and so the way they handle life and situations can be the same as it always was with no relaxing hormonal influence!

Pointing out all the things your spouse does right helps too – I love the creative way you handled that with the kids! I wouldn’t have thought of that! And be sincere and mean the good things, the positive things and focus on those. I think most dads who are involved do want to do things right, so to speak, and love to hear when something they have done has met the needs for the whole family. And quite frankly, (I am thinking especially of high needs children here), some children just require more from both parents, and it can be difficult when the dads have to actually do a lot of the parenting and be consistently creative and compassionate. They are being stretched and made to grow as fathers and human beings. I think in those cases, for both parents to look at the children while they are asleep and see how truly small and innocent they are is helpful. Part of being human is we try, and we all make mistakes, but hopefully we try again and again to help guide our children and our ourselves along this journey.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

Fostering Creative Play

Posted on October 5, 2008 by Carrie

“If you constantly entertain your child, you will be giving her the false impression that the world exists for her own pleasure and that she is without resources of her own. This is bound to cause difficulties later. Furthermore, boredom is a wonderful impetus to creativity and resourcefulness. If a child is always provided with activities and play ideas she will not have a chance to be attuned to her own fantasy life, to play out her own inner world. This is a great loss, which will have later implications for her ability to think creatively and independently.”
-From the book In A Nutshell: Dialogues With Parents At Acorn Hill, page 63.

Play is the work of a small child.

Ways to Foster Creative Play

less toys!
think about how to arrange the toys you do have to make them inviting for play – scenarios, grouping similar toys in a basket, making sure every toy has a home
arrange little scenes for your child to play with
have areas of play in your home – a kitchen area, a workbench, a doll corner, an area for painting, coloring and crafts
have dress up clothes available
have baskets of natural objects available – rocks, shells, pinecones, walnuts, chestnuts
try making several stand up dolls (no arms or legs). You can find instructions in Toymaking With Children and The Children’s Year. Have dolls and doll accessories – a soft cloth doll with limited facial features is lovely.
Have knitted or felt animals available, preferably ones you make yourself
Think about outside play – sandbox, swing, slide, climbing dome, balancing board, hills, secret spots in the yard
Most of all, engage in meaningful activity the child can imitate. If you are busy with things around your house in a purposeful way – baking, gardening, cleaning carefully, washing and ironing these are the things your child will demonstrate in play.

Thoughts on Challenging Developmental Stages

Posted on October 5, 2008 by Carrie

Dr. William Sears frequently discusses “the high-needs child” in his library of books – he even has an entire book devoted to this very subject. This is a post listing suggestions and options to consider when your child, high-needs or not, is going through a more challenging phase of development. Pick and choose what resonates with you and your family.

For any particular situation or challenging time-

1. Always check what developmental phase child is in – is it a typical time of separation anxiety? Teething? Rule out anything else possible going on – beginnings of getting sick? Throw in some teething, feeling puny, hungry, tired and there you go. More cling than Saran-Wrap! But at least you know where your child is developmentally, (hopefully!) you know your child’s temperament, you know what is normal for this age and can better figure out how to meet your child’s needs where he or she is……

Now, knowing the cause or that this phase may pass does NOT mean to just let the behavior go necessarily…The behavior still needs to be addressed, but you can still do it with a loving firmness, a loving kindness in your calm way. There will be more posts in the future about the subject of Authentic Leadership for your child.

2. Next, always check where you are – what are your needs? I think behind any feelings there is a need. You are feeling (anxious, irritated, fill in the blank ??) because you have a need for ________ (solitude? peace? to be unhurried and unrushed?) You are feeling tired from work, from parenting? Self -empathy can be very powerful! I have a list of quick things that put me in a better frame of mind – self-empathy, certain music, hidden chocolate stash, just deep breathing, calling a friend..

Inner work is the hallmark of parenting. Some parents chose to work on inner development through something like meditation, Tai Chi, yoga, visualization or prayer. I am a Christian, so I work on my personal development through my religious life. If you don’t feel you have any time to devote to this, try just setting a timer for five minutes at the beginning and end of the day to just breathe and go from there.

3. Once you know where your child is, and where you are, you can formulate a plan. Like so many things in life, it can be your reaction – meaning this:

Example 1 – My kids are playing well together whipping up a pretend gourmet feast. I am cleaning, and I feel thrilled they are playing well together! I am getting so much done!

Example 2 – My kids are playing well together whipping up a pretend gourmet feast. We have to leave the house in 10 minutes! I feel anxious and upset. We are going to be late!

See what I mean?

Sooo, if you check in with your child (not by asking them directly!! – just watching them and thinking!) and if you check in with yourself and it is not meshing well, formulate a plan. Rhythm is such a powerful help at these times (at all times, but especially in these times!). Hopefully you have established awake times, meal times, nap times and bed times, along with getting outside every day and special things you do each day of the week…Rhythms of the day, the week and the year can be a huge help in carrying your little ones over the rough spots. Other things that provide much help includes spending lots of time outside in nature and not scheduling many days out of the house. Small children thrive on being at home!

4. One thing I found very helpful was to cultivate as much as possible, a “peaceful, matter-of-fact mother hen kind of energy”, as Donna Simmons (www.christopherushomeschool.org) describes in some of her work. I have another wise cyber-friend from Donna Simmons’ Internet Waldorf Discussion Forum who calls this being “ho-hum”………. Just because your child’s small planet is spinning out of control for the moment, you can just HOLD THE SPACE. If you meet intensity with intensity, then we are all swimming in intensity. Hold the space! Being matter of fact with as few words as possible does really help – sing songs for your transitions – have songs for tooth brushing and a song for getting shoes on. Use your sense of humor and playfulness, but demonstrate what to do and use less words!

Also, it bears note that gentle parenting does not require you to play cruise director all day long. If you have a good rhythm established, your home child be a peaceful place where your child is included and loved, but you are doing much of your own work – washing, cleaning, gardening, baking, and your child can choose to participate with you or to play by you. It is not up to you to be a playmate all day long. You can always start setting something up, such as a play scene or pretend cooking while you are baking and many times your child will pick it up and go with the play you have provided.

5. FOR THE “HIGH-NEEDS CHILD” — It bears repeating that a truly higher-needs infant, toddler or child really do want a rhythm to his or her day that she can count on and hang his or her hat on. Getting up at the same time every day. diaper changing/bathroom for me. breakfast. outside. diaper changing/bathroom, snack. story time and fingerplays…

To me, one of the hallmarks of the high-needs child is IRREGULARITY. These are the children that find it difficult to eat at the same time and have a nap or go to sleep. I frequently joke when my oldest was little that she would be great in a career where it required one to stay up at night – all night disc jockey? ER physician?

I also think it is important for you to model for your child times of rest – not times when you are on the computer, but truly a time of rest when you close your eyes and just be. It is important for the “high-needs” child to hear and see that it is okay to relax and rest.

6. Finally, the whole balance thing: something for you alone is important, A girl movie cued up and ready to go the moment your child is asleep. The phone buddy support person. Many of us are searching to create a community we can count on, one in accordance with our needs to treat our children with respect and dignity. Support from your spouse or significant other is also important. Alone is hard, but a community is a lifesaver!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Parenting Passageway

Posted on October 3, 2008 by Carrie

images A passageway, as one would guess, is a conduit to the next thing – a way that allows movement from one place, condition or stage to the other. This blog is entitled “The Parenting Passageway” as it is intended to help support and encourage parents as they journey from being a single individual and/or the duality of being a couple to being an awakened parent and unified family. The ideas here are not completely new, but hopefully will still provide you, the reader, with some “a-ha” moments of clarity to ponder in your parenting journey . Whether you agree or disagree with what I have to say…. Thanks for reading and welcome again to this site!