The Parenting Passageway

In my mind, the ‘big three” of the Early Years books are “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge:  Nurturing Our Children From Birth To Seven" by Barbara Patterson and Pamela Bradley; “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” by Rahima Baldwin Dancy; “Heaven On Earth” by Sharifa Oppenheimer.

Here is a quick run-down of each book, and then some additional resources for you consider.

“Beyond the Rainbow Bridge:  Nurturing Our Children From Birth to Seven” is frequently, at least in my area, given out at Parent/Child classes in the Waldorf schools.  So, although the information in this book could definitely be applied to older Kindergarteners, there are plenty of nuggets of wisdom for the younger set.  This book is soft-cover and is 193 pages long. The chapters in this book mainly focus on warmth, rhythm, play at different stages (newborn to two and a half; two-and-a-half to age five and age five to seven), developing the twelve senses and a section on creative discipline.  There is also a section on Parent/Child classes, some sample crafts, verses and a fairy tale list.

My recommendation for this book would be to look for it if your children are younger or  if you are involved in a Parent/Child class for the first time.

“You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” by Rahima Baldwin Dancy is often available through your library system, so look for it there first.  This is a book I turn to time and time again, because I read different things in different ways as my children grow and I look back on those ages.  This book covers a lot of territory, starting with the notion that children are not tiny adults, that the consciousness is different, going into receiving and caring for your newborn, looking at the stages of babyhood and toddler hood through the lens of learning to walk, mastering language, the emergence of thinking and of self.  There are chapter on helping the development of your baby and toddler, parenting issues of the first three years, developing your child’s fantasy and creative play, developing your child’s imagination and artistic ability and musical abilities, rhythm and discipline in home life and more about play-based kindergarten experiences and parenting issues.  This book is also soft-cover and is 385 pages long.  Whilst I don’t agree with every single thing in here, there is much to be treasured.  In fact, you may get it from your library and then decide you would like a copy of your own!  I am positive you can find this book used and get it  fairly cheaply.

“Heaven On Earth:  A Handbook for Parents of Young Children” by Sharifa Oppenheimer is a soft-bound book of 235 pages.  There are many concrete examples in this book of, for example, a rhythm of weekly breakfasts, songs and verses, recipes, lists of things such as “elements of a balanced outdoor playspace”, and more.  The unique layout feature of this book is the boxes that these lists and recipes come in in the margins of the pages. There is quite a lot to digest in this book, and I think it would be easy to plan some concrete changes in the rhythm of your life based on some of the things in this book.  I would suggest you IGNORE completely the references to time-out in this book, that really did bother me, as time-out is not something I have ever seen reference to in any other Waldorf Early Years book.  Many mothers love this book, some Waldorf schools run “book club” type meetings around its chapters, so I think this one is worth checking out.

Other references you may consider reading include “Simplicity Parenting” ( I have a review on this blog; it is hard cover and I have heard some library systems have this book);  Donna Simmons’ “Joyful Movement” which has information about the holistic development of wee ones with lots of concrete suggestions about what to do and not do for different ages and also  Donna Simmons’ “Kindergarten With Your Three to Six Year Old”.  I have heard some mothers who like Melisa Nielsen’s “Before the Journey” – this book does have crafts, recipes, and follows the festivals/seasons of the year.  It is in story format and  tells how four different women of different religious/socio-economic backgrounds bring Waldorf parenting and education into the lives of their small children in a journal –type form where each of the four mothers (one for each season) journals about what they are doing and what they are discovering.   The other book many people in my area discount because they cannot stand the way breastfeeding and other attachment practices are viewed is Joan Salter’s “The Incarnating Child.”  I think if you can ignore the references to weaning and such, there are many gems to be found in that book from an anthroposophic viewpoint (but I also know so many AP parents who read it and were completely turned off  and turned away from Waldorf because of that book so please don’t say I didn’t warn you, I am an AP parent as well!)  So, again, if you can read it and ignore the fact it is not AP and just cherry-pick the anthroposophic nuggets out of it here and there, I think you will be okay.

Hope that helps!

Carrie

Yes, I will be speaking on The Waldorf Connection NEXT Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 at 8 PM!  I hope to see you all there, I think there may have been a bit of confusion as to the dates, so I hope everyone can join Donna Ashton and I next Tuesday!  It is going to be a fun talk about the first seven year cycle, crafting a life of beauty and peace with little ones, how to deal with the negative emotions you may feel in parenting and turn them into the positive!

Looking forward to it!

Lots of love,

Carrie

You thought this month was going to be all Valentine’s Day?  Well, no, because today my wonderful friend came over and brought her Chinese heritage with her to help us ready our house for the Chinese New Year!

The first thing we did was to make Pearl Balls – which are essentially ground pork mixed with fresh water chestnuts (the fresh ones are a different creature than those things in a can!), scallions, soy sauce, kosher salt, ginger and garlic – made into balls and rolled in gelatinous rice.  Then you steam them in one of those tiered bamboo steamers over a wok  for about an hour and half.  You dip them in a dipping sauce made from soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, hot chili pepper sesame oil and ginger, garlic and scallions and eat them with your chopsticks!  Yum!

Whilst those were steaming, we were busy writing Chinese characters for good luck on red construction paper to put on our front door, listening to my friend count from  one to 10 in Mandarin, hearing a story about the Kitchen God, and  then making these sweet little Chinese tissue paper crafts…. We also had a great time looking up what year everyone was born and what animal that corresponded to on the Chinese Zodiac and such.  Good times!

Other traditions my friend passed on to me, is that the traditional meal on Chinese New Year’s consists of having foods that are as whole as possible (for example, a whole fish steamed in the bamboo steamer with the head and tail on; you can use your chopsticks to poke around and  eat it); having noodles for long life and health; not sweeping  or cleaning anything on the Chinese New Year (because you don’t want to sweep your good luck or good fortune out the door as well!); having your children stay up as late as possible on the night before Chinese New Year because this ensures the parents will live a long life; and making lots of noise on the Chinese New Year to scare any evil spirits away.  What fabulous traditions and what fun to sit around and talk about!

Here are a few books that may be of assistance to you as you plan your own Chinese New Year’s celebration:

http://www.amazon.com/Moonbeams-Dumplings-Dragon-Boats-Activities/dp/0152019839/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265737650&sr=1-1

and here:  http://www.amazon.com/1-Go-Huy-Voun-Lee/dp/080506205X/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

For more from a Waldorf point of view, please see over at Our Little Nature Nest here:  http://naturenest.wordpress.com/2010/02/08/songs-on-sunday-gung-hay-fat-choy-happy-chinese-new-year/

Please leave your favorite Chinese New Year’s tradition in the comment box below!

Many blessings,

Carrie

No one sets off to fall “out of love” with their partner.  Sometimes, though, as careers and finances and parenting and life just settle in all around us, in those spaces and cracks  between us and our partner, we can feel less than loving.  It can be hard to remember back to those first days of being in love with our partner or spouse, how our heart raced, how much we wanted to be with that person every minute, how excited we were to get married and be together!

I think you can recapture this feeling in your marriage or partnership, but all too often mothers put their spouse and their marital relationship dead last on the list of priorities.  Or something that I hear many mothers speak of is this “growing apart” –wanting different ways to relax at the end of the day, different ways to want to spend the precious amount of time one may get alone whilst raising small children, and how to balance spending time as a family, together as a couple and alone….It is challenging to say the least.

I  think “love”, traditionally associated with this month due to St. Valentine’s Day is a good, simple place to start in your most treasured relationship. Love can be a noun, but it also can be a verb.  So in this simple month of February, how can you make this feeling of  love come alive  for your partner in  life?

Sometimes it is the very small things, such as bringing your spouse a glass of water whilst they are working outside on a hot day. Sometimes it is the large things, supporting your partner through work situations or backing your partner up in parenting. 

How else  will love become a verb this month in your own home, in your own reality?  Here are some random thoughts I had:

• Many fathers seem to feel “scheduling” time together is not very  spontaneous (which it is not) or romantic (but it can be!)  When is there time for just you and your spouse?  In the early years of attachment parenting, it is very easy to get caught up in your baby’s and toddler’s needs; it is necessary. But, at the same time, you cannot put your marriage and relationship last on the list for years on end! 
• I don’t think you need to escape from your baby or toddler in order to be together.  Catch those moments together during nap times, have take-out and a movie to play after your little one goes to bed, steal away for intimacy in the middle of the night. Be creative with gathering those bits of time in busy family life, because your marriage is worth it.
• Physical intimacy!   It is so important!
• If you are in different places as far as what you like to do together, see if you can compromise and each get to pick different things to do as a couple.  How often do you just sit and talk about things that don’t involve finances, the house, the children?  That is so valuable to just connect with each other.
• Think about what your spouse hears from you when he walks in the door: does he only hear you upset and complaining or nagging or does he hear how happy you are to see him, how much you missed him today, how much you love him?  Do you ever thank him for the things he does do that you enjoy, that are helpful to you?  Can you be cheerful and tell him the good things that happen during the day as well as the sorrows?
• Do you try to be attractive for yourself and for him as well?  Yes, I know that sounds so old-fashioned, but I think that is part of my job as a wife to be clean and attractive to him.  I also like to try to pick up the house before my husband gets home, so he is not coming home to a sea of chair forts with blankets everywhere.  I try to have a warm dinner ready so we can eat together as a family.  When you have small children, these seemingly basic things can be so challenging in themselves, but I think it is of worth to work on them as your children grow.

For simple February, love really is all you need.  Make it a verb and see what you can do to grow together.  Twenty years from now your children will be gone, and you want to have a loving relationship through all those years and beyond. Simplicity means picking priorities, and this really should be one of them!

Simple times this month,

Carrie

We focused a lot on joy in January, and February is now the month to really look at how simple life can be; how confidence can grow when we intuit onto the right path.  Mothers in my local area have often  asked me how they can gain confidence with their parenting decisions, with the decision to homeschool, with the business of raising a family and creating a family culture.  I think this goes back to making life simple:  what do you feel in your heart?

I live in a large metropolitan area.  When I go to the giant Farmer’s Market, it really strikes me to look around at just the large number of people of all different races, backgrounds, ethnicities in one area.  They were not all raised the same way.  Their culture, perhaps their religion, perhaps their education, all influenced how they became who they are. Their experiences, the people they have loved and the people who have loved them, have all contributed to who they are and how they see things.  We all have similarities, but we all look at things differently.  And for some reason, that brings me comfort.  The world is a big place, there are many ways of doing things,  and certainly I cannot err if I approach things gently and with love and with patience.  I can be  easy with myself, and know that while there may be one path that works well for me, it is not the same for all families and there are many wonderful people in the world raised in different ways…Again, if I am gentle and kind and patient, I am doing the best for my family.

Mothers ask me:  well, but how do I find the right path for my family?  I am just researching myself to death!

I have a suggestion for you!  For February, look at yourself.  We talk a lot about biography in Waldorf, but I also think it is really relevant in parenting as well.  Who are you?  What do you believe?  Why do you believe that?  How have your experiences influenced what you believe?  Your values?  The truth is, the way to gain confidence in parenting  is to really know yourself.  Dig deep. Know what irritates you, what calms you, what and who you love, what matters and what doesn’t.  Know what is essential for you and your family and what is not.  There are only so many hours in the day, and to me, I cannot waste these short hours and days on non-essential things.

Once you decide how your biography plays into things, the essential and non-essential things in your life, then your confidence will grow.  You will also be able to pull one thing out at a time and work on changing that one thing for forty days.  Once you decide what is essential and non-essential, you will handle criticism with confidence.  You will be able to carry on!

Simple days in February!

Many blessings,

Carrie

I was on  my way home from the gym last night and this country tune came on the radio as I was flipping the channels, and boy, did the lyrics really catch my ear!  “Livin’ life like a Sunday stroll/ Free and easy down the road I go.”

Awesome!

How many of you are stressed out, nervous and anxious about your parenting path?  About discipline?  About homeschooling?  How much is too much, or is it not enough?  How to deal with family members?  With friends whom you suddenly feel apart from?

I think actually when your child is three or four years of age, this can be a hard time for mothers.  Presumably you have made it through the whole “your child is still breastfeeding?”  and the whole “your child sleeps where?”, but now the discipline questions and the school questions really come to the forefront.  It can be so isolating to feel as if you are parenting and looking at school choices so differently than everyone else!

I want to encourage you to hang in there!  What choices you make now do matter for the future, and I find we are in a strange dichotomy in society today with parenting:  we seem to  have either the “hover parents” who are scared to let their children out of their sight and hold on so tightly, or we have the parents who seem to treat parenting a child as if it is an inconvenience.  And I guess somewhere in between is those of us who are trying to make  thoughtful choices whilst not losing the forest for the trees!  And please, if you are judging yourself that in the past you were not mindful about your parenting choices and are now trying to change, please congratulate yourself on your success, on your baby steps of progress, and stop beating yourself up over your perceived “failures”.  Life and parenting is a journey, and we all have to start somewhere!

Rest easy, my friends.  Lighten your load for this month of February and take it day by day.  You really don’t have to have all the answers today.  Some of parenting is just experience, and growing in confidence.  No one has really asked me with my third where he sleeps or how long he is going to breastfeed or when I am going to put him in school.  And if they did ask, it wouldn’t bother me to tell them.  I feel happy and confident with my parenting and schooling choices, but I also don’t feel the need to judge anyone else’s choices. 

If you seem happy and confident, then people tend to leave you alone.  If you seem anxious or stressed, people want to step in and “help”, which typically includes suggestions to cry it out, wean, send your child away to school….Try to see their motives as positive, and if their motives truly are not positive, feel free to tell them the topic is really not up for discussion!

Most of all, be joyous and have patience!  It takes time to figure things out in parenting, and in ten years, you may see some things in parenting much differently than you do now.  Be that free and easy soul and relax into your loving family.

Simple times,

Carrie

We have peeked at both the traditional and anthroposophic views of the nine-year-old in two previous posts.    Nine is definitely a time of change, a time of feeling separate from parents and family, a time when peers become extremely important, a time of developmental “rebellion” in some ways (I don’t really like that term, but there it is).  A time to question what is real, what is not real, do adults know what they are doing, why are rules the way they are, and are things fair?

I think nine doesn’t have to be incredibly difficult if you have a generally happy and calm household and if you yourself feel balanced and calm.  I think this is why in general parenting and in Waldorf, we look to the family life and ourselves  first and  if a child seems consistently way out of sorts.  Even traditional parenting resources suggest this.  “Your Nine-Year-Old” by the Gesell Institute quoted pediatrician Sanford Matthews as saying, “ [he suggests] when mothers come to [him] distraught because their disciplining of their children is going badly, that these mothers concentrate on making their own lives more rewarding, rather than emphasizing merely their relationship with their child or children.”

Having realistic expectations for each age is highly important.  I talk about that time and time again on this blog.  Nine-year-olds in general may withdraw from the family and from you.  They may complain a lot, and gradually all this anxiety and complaining diminishes as ten approaches. 

Nine- year -olds need detailed instructions and need reminders.  If you ask them to do something, they may want to do it later and then they forget.  If your child is sulky or cross when you ask them politely do to something, chances are if you ignore that and don’t make a big deal about their attitude, they will do what you are asking (although it may not be with a smile!).  Most nine-year-olds think in terms of right and wrong, and do want to do what is “right”.  Fairness is a big deal, and so is what peers think.  Most nine-year-olds are very honest, and will tell you things that they did and not really hide things they did that they thought were “wrong”.

Facing the natural or logical consequences of behavior is by far the best means of guidance.  Now is also the time you can really start to put family values into words, if that hasn’t come up in some many words before.  And although your child is past the age of imitation, what you model is more important than your words.  Being positive and loving your child is really the most important thing.

You have to maintain your cool and calm self to really be that wall they can bounce off of, that boundary they can push against and realize that the boundary doesn’t crumple.  Solutions and solving problems and fixing mistakes is much more important than blaming and dwelling on what happened over and over.

The other thing to consider is now that your child is feeling a bit more separate from you and  is concerned about peers  and what peers think, now is a great time to practice either “no comment” or being able to just say supportive things.  If a child says, “My friends don’t like me” it is not an opening to ask what they did to cause that, to go into the fact you didn’t like those friends anyway,  that they need to be at home more anyway, that they will make better friends in the future, etc.  First of all, emotions still can turn on a dime.  I think we all remember from our childhood days being really angry with a friend and then an hour later we are best friends again. Secondly, you do not need to own your child’s stuff.  This is their stuff, not yours.  It is theirs to start to work through, and you are the gentle guidance and support, but not The Great and Ultimate Fixer.

Some parents begin to worry – they see their child doing something they themselves did at that age, or think their child’s personality is similar to theirs and feel badly about this.  “I don’t want my child to do what I did!”  “I don’t want my child to be like me!”  I suggest to you to keep an attitude that this is a phase, your child is headed toward ten, be positive, model what you do want to see and choose your battles and your words carefully!  

The other key piece of being nine, I think, is that the child needs another adult besides you to look up to and to trust.  Steiner talks about the importance of a trusted community and role models during this time.  If you have a limited circle outside of your family, perhaps consider expanding that a bit with some trusted friends to help you. 

Just a few thoughts on the nine-year-old tonight!

Many blessings,

Carrie

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“The change in the children’s self-awareness grows stronger at the age of nine, and you find that they understand much better what you say about the difference between the human being and the world.  Before they reach the age of nine, children merge far more thoroughly with the environment than is the case later, when they begin to distinguish themselves from their surroundings.  Then you will find that you can begin to talk a little about matters of the soul and that they will not listen with such a lack of understanding as they would have listened earlier.  In short, the children’s self-awareness grows deeper and stronger when they reach this age.”

-Steiner, Lecture 7 of “Practical Advice to Teachers”

The nine-year-change is a momentous occasion in the life of a child according to an anthroposophic perspective.  Roberto Trostli writes in “Rhythms of Learning:  Selected Lectures by Rudolf Steiner”:  “Like Adam and Eve in Paradise, young children live in peace and harmony with their environment, intimately connected to their surroundings, full of trust and confidence in the world.  When children turn nine, this trusting, secure, relationship to the world begins to change.”

Children at this age often have a quiet, not verbalized, “inner crisis” where they begin to have questions about themselves and their purpose in the world, about whether or not rules are really justified, whether or not adults really do know everything, and whether or not adults believe in something higher than themselves and how is this expressed.  Steiner believed that it was of utmost importance that an adult guide the child toward a renewed sense of  confidence in the world and in their place in it.  In the Waldorf school curriculum, this is done in several areas during the ninth and tenth year: through the Old Testament stories of Third Grade, through zoology in Fourth Grade (Man and Animal blocks) and botany and through the study of geography (Trostli discusses the zoology, botany and geography at length in his book and you can read Steiner himself regarding the nine-year change and the teaching of natural history and such in Lecture 7 of “Practical Advice to Teachers”.)

Regarding the Old Testament Stories, I like what Donna Simmons says here in her book, “The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview for Homeschoolers”  (because this is where so much of our own baggage can come up!).  She writes, “”Stories from the Old Testament speak to the child’s growing independence and the first stirrings of true logical thought.  The ability to understand right and wrong is reflected in Moses giving his people the Law-and, as this is no straightforward process, the nine-year-old can inwardly relate to the way the Israelites accepted that Law!  The struggle to overcome jealousy and revenge, questions of what is right and wrong, and when to have faith in authority are all right three in the Old Testament as they are in most nine-year-olds.  By absorbing these stories the child will also gain an inner understanding of both Judaism and Christianity, something really important to an appreciation of our Western culture, even if you and your family are neither Jewish nor Christian.”  To look further at this book, please see this link: http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/essential-christopherus-publications/waldorf-overview-for-homeschoolers.html   and here is a blog post regarding the greater anthroposophic detail of these Old Testament stories: http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/old-testament-s.html     )  Melisa Nielsen also has a blog post here addressing the Old Testament stories, fears of families and how this all fits with the nine-year-old change:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2009/01/the-stories-of-grade-three-and-beyond.html   

For a further discussion of the depth of the Old Testament stories and their worth and fit to the nine-year-old, I direct you to Lois Cusick’s excellent book, “The Waldorf Parenting Handbook.”  In it she writes of the nine-year-old:  “A more intense sense of self shakes the child’s unquestioned feeling of belonging, of unity with all around him.  Suddenly the others look farther away, alien.  The thought comes, “Perhaps I do not belong.”  The increasingly aware child looks more keenly at the real world of adults around him.  Now it is up to the teachers and parents to show the child that they see and understand what is happening to him, that he does belong, and in a new, more socially conscious way.”  House-building, agriculture, gardening – all fit in well with a child during this nine-year-old change who is starting to realize the interconnectedness and interdependence of humans. 

Other posts in the past I have written regarding the nine-year-old change may also be of assistance:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/11/a-few-resources-for-the-nine-year-change/  and there are a few more if you search in the search engine. 

Our next post will look at the best ways to support a nine-year-old and how to deal with issues of discipline in the nine-year-old.

Many blessings,

Carrie

I saw this blog and I am searching for it again and hope some of you can help me.  On it was photographs of scenes this mother had set up to go with Eric Fairman’s Path of Discovery Grade One verses for the Qualities of Numbers (ie, What is One?  What is Two?)  I think it involved a wooden wolf figurine as a journey guide.  Does anyone out there know this blog?

Many thanks,

Carrie

We are still plugging away through this book, do see the back posts on each chapter.  Amazon has this book for sale here:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264905764&sr=8-1

Today we are looking at the chapter that talks about the influences on discipline from  your child.

First up is the idea of developmental milestones and stages.  For those of you who regularly follow this blog, you know I am big into this.  Characteristics of ages three to nine are now on this blog, you can use the search engine to look up ages.  I am working on posts for the one-month-old through age two and a half as we speak, so eventually every age from birth until the nine-year-change will be represented on here and I hope that will really help many, many parents. 

Judy Arnall points out that once children reach a new stage, they can regress backward to a previous stage until they move forward again.  Parents can often view this as “misbehavior” or that the child is “just doing this to annoy me; they know better” when in reality they are getting used to this new stage and learning. 

The author addressed temperament, and how the intensity of temperament is what often counts.  I personally think that temperament, at least the traditional view of temperament, is often highly charged and read into by parents.  I know that offends some of  you, and I am sorry for that, but in my personal experience and in my observation of hanging around the attachment parenting community for a long time now, I think that we should put less “labels” on it all and focus on meeting a child’s behaviors where they are.  Sensitive children do need lots of understanding, but so do all children.  All children, even so-called “easy-going” children go through days where their behavior is more challenging and they need help and guidance and connection and warmth.  Part of the personal development and inner work in parenting is learning to be calm during these times, to help guide the child, to meet the child with warmth and understanding and connection. 

My problem with the labels (and I have said this before in my post on the older child with “high needs”)  is that they have a way of not disappearing as the child grows – once a “high-needs baby” then a “high-needs child” then a “high-needs dramatic teenager”.  Yes, there are those personality traits associated in much of the attachment parenting literature (persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level, first reaction, mood), and everyone does have these traits to different degrees, but what a boring world it would be if we were all easy-going!  Sometimes I just feel that “high needs   I know some will totally disagree with this, I  just want to challenge parents to meet their babies and children where they are, without labels  and judging and just meet them with love.  You can use the search engine to find more posts about the “high-needs” baby and child and older child.

One thing the author does mention, which I think is totally true, is that some children are more distractible than others, and how sometimes a child who is sensitive to noise and other stimuli end up with massive temper tantrums.  Judy Arnall  puts this under the label of the “highly spirited child”.  One other thing she points out about this type of child is that rhythm, warmth, rest/sleep, physical contact, is very important for this type of child.  These are the things that Steiner saw as important for every child, and I find it interesting,  this intersection of attachment parenting and anthroposophy (again!)

The author talks about allowing spirited children to have their whole range of emotions, but again, I think this is important for all children. I feel that yes, some may have more intense demonstrations of emotion that last longer, but all children have emotion! In younger children, the emotions are more undifferentiated (most small children when upset just feel “bad” for example, if you ask them), and the ability to verbalize emotions increases with age and maturity.  In this chapter, the author  talks about the need for the spirited child to have boundaries that cover the important things and not to “battle” over smaller things – this is something I advocate for dealing with all children. 

Moving along!

The author tackles maturation and birth order. The birth order section was interesting to me, birth order always is. 

She recommends for the oldest to give privileges with age, to be careful of their mothering or fathering tendencies and do not put them in charge of siblings all of the time, encourage fun and spontaneity, reinforce that mistakes are okay.  For middle-born children, she recommends encouraging help with chores, asking their advice and avoiding comparisons, put them in the number one position at times and to give them some new things instead of hand-me-downs for everything.  For youngest children she recommends giving chores and responsibility, encouraging independence, and not doing less for them than you did for your oldest.  For only children, she recommends  giving lots of opportunities to develop friendships (okay, as an only child I take a bit of offense here.  Why is that all people seem to think that only children are spoiled brats and need to learn to share?  I have actually had people say to me, “Wow, you don’t act like an only child!”  I guess that is a  nice compliment in a back-handed way?! Hahaha.)  She also recommends for the only child letting them find things to do when they are bored, encouraging sharing and problem-solving skills for conflicts, and doing your best to avoid discussing adult problems and concerns with them (which I recommend for all small children under the age of 7).

She talks about the new baby-toddler syndrome (you know, where your three and four year old seem so big now that there is a baby in the house?)  The author talks about learning styles and multiples intelligences with their implications for discipline, and gender differences.  For a further look, do see back posts on the Elium’s “Raising a Daughter” and “Raising A Son.”  Excellent books as well on this.  She also discusses personality traits, love languages, sensitive children, and brain development milestones.

The brain development milestones is a section I think should be required reading for parents.  I believe today too many parents think their small child has the reasoning capability of an adult, which they strongly rely on in discipline.  This is a faulty view based upon the biology of the child.  The author here goes into every age and what they really do or don’t understand.  Here are just  a few examples, get the book to see all of them!

• A two-year-old does not understand time-out or what they did wrong or consequences and has no impulse control.  Also has really no memory – when Mommy is gone, Mommy is gone.
• At five years old, most seem to understand “no” means “do not do that.”  They comply with requests less than half of the time.  They still may hit or kick when frustrated.
• At six years old, the child cannot “multi-task”.   They can do simple chores one at a time.   They are starting to understand a bit more about what is dangerous, but often doesn’t understand why something is dangerous.
• Seven years can sit still for half an hour to forty-five minutes; begins to know what is dangerous and why but will forget in the moment if preoccupied with something else
• Eleven years – stops hitting other person when they are angry, can understand social implication of lying and swearing
• Twelve years – can do chores without nagging or reminding
• Twenty to twenty five years is when the frontal lobes are still developing (the frontal lobes control logical thinking and planning, understanding consequences).

I love things like this because they really prove and demonstrate how slowly children develop. 

The author remind us that children are ego-centric, loud, messy, can put themselves in dangerous situations, don’t know how to clean up, very active until about age 12 and need that balance of physical activity versus quiet activities, they are not time focused, they don’t know how loud they are, they are honest, they do things without thinking!

Does this description sound like any of the children in your life?

Love for today,

Carrie