Everyone deserves a peaceful home, and the adults in the home need to work together to make this happen. There are three levels of peace in the home: the physical home, the emotional home, and the spiritual home.
Regarding the physical home, this is what I wrote in 2015 when our children were 14 and under:
There are many sayings to the effect of you can have happy children or a clean home but not both. I think there is some truth in that in a small way. Right now, I have gymnastics mats that have been made into a large track circling my kitchen counter and the children run “P.E classes” all day on and off complete with laps and push ups and sit ups. Eventually the mats will have to be cleaned up so I can mop my floor, but I can live with it for a few days. There is a 2000 piece puzzle on my dining room table that most likely will sit there for some days. However, the rest of the house is clean and tidy. The laundry is done and folded and put away. We have food in the refrigerator and I know what we are going to make for our meals.
This is for me. An ordered home that reflects beauty and peace mirrors how I feel inside. I am a very visual person, and therefore I find that for me, it is easier on me to keep my home clean and orderly for my own mental health. When everything is strewn everywhere and dirty, I cannot focus on anything else. I live here all day, and it has to reflect a certain something of myself and what we value as a family. We value love, and one way we love and nourish each other is to have a home that is livable, where food and clean clothes and cleanliness is apparent.
There has been some studies that suggest cluttered homes actually equate with depression and that clutter in and of itself can make us feel more anxious.
I have come to the conclusion after many years of homemaking, that the foundation of parenting (and homeschooling) is homemaking. It may be tiresome to do dishes day after day and know there will be more dishes tomorrow. It may be tiresome to wash, fold and put away five loads of laundry and know there will be more laundry tomorrow.
Yet, I think this is the foundation of a practice of serenity. This is one of the biggest spiritual practices we can find, if only we will slow down enough to take up the opportunity. Trying and doing cultivates the will. So, knowing how you want to tackle your home – what system works well for you, is important. Flylady has worked well for me, along with having a specific day to run errands so we have food and other necessities on hand. I use a home delivery service for eggs, honey, organic produce and organic dairy; Amazon Prime and Costco helps keep my pantry stocked; and I am trying a meat CSA that delivers about every six weeks in order to keep everything stocked and on hand. Sometimes it is not in my nature to be organized (except for school work for some reason!) and I have to work hard to try and do and pass this on to our children, who will be running their own homes some day.
Now our children are all sixteen years old and older, and some not living here anymore, but having a well-ordered home is still important. The constraints are different – homeschooling, working outside the home, living on a farm that is synonymous with mud from now until June – but the idea of having less clutter, having small (not expensive) things that are beautiful is important. Clean is important!
The emotional level of the home resides in warmth. Warmth doesn’t have to be in words and constantly (anxiously) checking in. It can be a steady presence, a warm smile, laughter, giving space. I first became interested in warmth when my children were very small (and our oldest is twenty four, so this was quite some time ago) as I learned about the importance of warmth (physical warmth and otherwise) in the Early Years of Waldorf homeschooling and Waldorf parenting. The development of the senses, of which warmth is one of the human senses, supports the way we relate to each other and the development of the child. This is why you see so many small children wrapped up warmly in woolens and other natural fibers during the winter. But if one digs deeper into the background of this sense, there is more.
An interesting point about warmth comes from the book “Our Twelve Senses: How Healthy Senses Refresh the Soul” by Albert Soesman. He posits that as we, and children, meet the world, the world responds to us in two ways: either we receive something when our attention, interest is answered and we feel a sense of belonging or we feel left out. This is true warmth. Steiner equated warmth as being the first sense of man. In a way, Steiner saw all senses as being created from the sense of warmth – a process of differentiation teased out all the other senses from this one.
In parenting and in teaching, I think it can be easy to give off more coldness than we intend. Being with children 24/7 , answering questions 24/7, functioning on very little sleep, can make us feel distant. I don’t think we have to be perfect parents to raise children well. In fact, I think good and real and authentic parenting demands imperfection, but also observation. The feeling of warmth in the home is a great place to start.
Lastly, there is a spiritual layer to the home. This can be in gratitude, and in how we do our own inner work and self development. This is something that we need to do daily, pencil it in on the rhythm of the day or on a calendar if we must. Inner work varies person to person. If you follow Waldorf homeschooling, you may find ideas amongst Rudolf Steiner’s writings regarding inner work. If you follow a specific religious path, you will find ideas there. Many people create their own path. Your path itself may look different depending upon if you are focused upon your children, you yourself as a homeschooling teacher or parent or you yourself as the human being. Perhaps we cannot separate ourselves as teacher and self so easily, but I often find what often needs to be nurtured in times of homeschooling or parenting burnout is not more ideas for me as a teacher or a parent, but ideas for me as a human being who is separate and distinct from the children and the family.
Rhythm truly is the foundation of all of these layers in the home. Rhythm is the best kind of discipline; it often shows us that we are trying to just cram way too much into our days. There is a time and a place for things, and there is an order in which we do things. We have lunch, and then we have a nap. We play, and then we clean up. We don’t pull out fifty toys in a big heap, but have an order to putting things back and putting things up. Rhythm strengthens the will of the child, and brings the chaos of the physical and emotional life into order. What a valuable skill to model for young children!
February is a wonderful month to put goals into place, to rouse slightly from the caozy, warm, meditative space of January. A peaceful home helps make everything else come to fruition!
Warmly,
Carrie
The Parenting Passageway 