Category Archives: Family Life

“But When I Stay Home…..Everything Falls Apart!”

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I have heard lots of reasons why it is difficult to stay home from mothers with children under the age of 7.  “When we stay home, all my older kids do is fight.”  “My kids are bored and don’t know what to do.”  “The nursling whom I am trying to wean just wants to nurse and if we are out he doesn’t nurse at all!”  “My oldest just seems to need to do something more!”  “I will go nuts if I stay home every day!”

As you can see, many mothers have a hard time being in their own homes.  Some mothers insist their children have a hard time being home as well, but I often wonder if the children are just reflecting the discontent their mothers feel.

It is hard work to be home sometimes.  It is hard to not be on the computer, to not turn on the TV, to be present in working with our hands and to be a warm presence for our children.  It is hard to listen to children fight and know when to step in and when to not step in.  It is hard to distract an older nursling and set a gentle, loving limit that right now is not a nursing time, but in a little bit it will be time and here is a snack for right now.  It is hard to set limits in general, it is hard to get out of bed, it is hard to make dinner every day and it is hard to muster up the energy to get everyone ready for bed after a long day.

Did I cover it all?

The challenges, however, do not negate the fact that the best place for a child under the age of 7 to be is HOME.  If we can help a child under the age of 7 be happy in the home environment, to be creative at home, to learn to understand that feeling of not knowing what to do and then finding something to do, we provide that child a great service indeed.  These are the children that grow up with strong creativity, strong problem-solving skills, and the ability to be happy by themselves.  These are remarkable and sought-after skills in this age of teenage depression and boredom. 

Your child under the age of 7 does not need a myriad of play dates, field trips,  and trips to the store.   You may disagree, but if your oldest is right now 4 , you will see a large difference in patience, comprehension, understanding and memory when you go to places when they are 7 or 8.  Many times your 7 or 8  year old will not even remember your trip to the zoo when they were 4!  They may, but they may not.  It doesn’t mean we don’t ever go places as  family, but it does mean we look carefully at IMAX movies at the museum for a four year old, at going to a crowded zoo on the weekend when they child is usually home napping, and we look at the long car rides and other things that are involved in these activities for the young child.  Remember, what your  child really  needs is a strong home rhythm, a strong loving presence of a parent, enough sleep and healthy food and outside time, and walks around the neighborhood.

Mothers say:  What about socialization for my 3-6 year old?  Everyone knows this is a prime time when they need friends! 

That may be true, and some children are more social than others, but sometimes I feel WE as parents drive this need ourselves more than it initially comes from the children themselves. (and then the children hear US talk about how they need friends and then they really NEED friends, you know?)  If you read any traditional childhood development books, they talk about how three, four and six are often rough ages for getting along with other children.  This does not mean that we don’t ever have play dates – but it might mean we consider a play date that is one on one with a planned activity to start the play date as opposed to a “just go play” kind of thing.  It does mean that perhaps we look at our group activities more closely and evaluate are they really needed and who needs them – us as the parents or our children?  It may also mean that we need to consider our OWN needs as adults and parents – could I get together with another homeschooling mother WITHOUT our children for lunch or tea and talk and finish sentences and get support that way without involving my children in my own need?

Having children under the age of 7  may also mean evaluating the need for classes.  There has been entire build-up of business and marketing to the under 7 child and parent dyad in our country.  In past generations, many mothers did not even have transportation to attend anything while their husbands were at work, so there was no chance for activities geared solely toward children.    I am not saying we want to return to this, but I am saying we do not know the long-reaching effects of all this stimulation on the under-7 child.  Were these classes and activities truly started with the benefit of the under 7 child in mind or to make money?  Would going outside and being in nature and doing arts and crafts at home and singing at home be just as good, if not better, than all these classes?

I feel many mothers turn to these activities to 1- meet other mothers who also stay at home, since in their neighborhood they may be the ONLY ones at home and 2- they do not feel confident in their own abilities to do these sorts of activities at home with their small children.  It is ironic in an age of more and more information, ideas via the Internet and books that mothers feel LESS confident and not more confident, isn’t it?

As far as finding other mothers who stay at home and who are interested in homeschooling, La Leche League meetings, especially the daytime meetings do often have mothers who are stay at home mothers (especially if these are Toddler Meetings held during the day).  Attachment Parenting International Support meetings also tend to have stay at home mothers there.  These organizations also support working mothers as well, but there tend to be stay at home mothers as well.  Post natal yoga classes may put you in touch with other stay at home mothers.  Once you have a few friends that stay at home it may blossom from there.

I am here to encourage you completely that you can do this!  You can create a stronger rhythm at home.  Start with your daily rhythm with a lot of outside activity and then look at your weekly rhythm – can you bring in activities on certain days?  Look at the festivals for that month – May is coming and bringing with it May Day, Ascension and Whitsunday.  Perhaps these are festivals you would like to celebrate in your own family that you could take time to prepare for.  Depending upon your religion, perhaps there are other festivals you could celebrate in place of these festivals or add to these.  Start a bit of planning now – ten minutes a day after your kids go to bed or before your kids get up.  It can happen!

The more you are at home, the more you will like being at home.  You will have time to create and dream and so will your children.  Take it from a Former Queen of Going and Doing, it can happen!

Make your home a warm, joyful place to be and your kids will enjoy it too,

Carrie

Inspirations from Tapestries: The Stages of Marriage

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There have been several posts about marriage and nurturing your partner on this blog that you can search and see for background regarding marriage, attachment parenting, and homeschooling.  Here is one that comes to mind: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/08/parenting-as-partners/  as well as this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/using-your-first-year-of-parenting-to-fall-deeper-in-love-with-your-spouse/

This is a topic I feel is so important because unfortunately, many of the homeschooling mothers I know appear to  feel overwhelmed, seem to feel unsatisfied with their partner’s contribution to family life, and just are not enjoying time with their partner/spouse because they feel their basic needs are not being met within their closest relationships.

Maybe Betty Staley can help us unravel some of the mysteries surrounding the life cycle of a relationship. 

She writes, “Just as each individual passes through cycles, so does a relationship.  During each stage of a relationship we have particular needs and ways of solving problems.  There are three basic elements to consider when we speak about relationship-stages.  First, the individuality of each person.  Second, the phase of life each person is in.  Third, the  stage the relationship has reached.  In addition to these three aspects, cultural and historical expectations and the environment are also strong influences.”

The stages of relationships per Tapestries:

  • The first stage of a relationship is when two people are attracted to one another, “they are in a soul stage where feeling life predominates (21-28 years) no matter how old they are.” (page 75).
  • After the relationship settle down to routine, the couple enters the soul phase where THINKING predominates (28-35 years, but again it does not matter how old the people in the relationship are).  Each person looks at the other more objectively, and each may question the relationship itself.  This can be a point where many relationships fall apart and break up.
  • If the couple survives this phase, the next phase is the soul phase where CONSCIOUSNESS or AWARENESS predominates (corresponding to the ages 35-42, but remember, it does not matter how old the people in the relationship are), where each individual in the relationship begins to look at themselves and their partners more objectively.  During this time, hopefully each person can have not only a sense of realism about their partner’s strengths and weaknesses, but also love their partner with some of the passion from the feeling stage and see the person’s high self.

Betty Staley points out on page 76 that if a couple is older than their twenties when the relationship begins, the earlier phases representing the twenties will be passed through quickly to get to the stage of life the couple is in.

In other words, if a couple’s relationship starts when they are 35, the relationship will pass quickly through the feeling stage and the soul phase where thinking predominates to the soul phase where consciousness or awareness predominates.

She talks about couples where there  is an age difference and how each person in the relationship will demonstrate not only aspects of the seven-year cycle they are in, but also aspects of the seven-year cycles their partner is in.  She discusses that the combination of  having two partners from two different age groups can bring support into the relationship as whoever is older and in the next seven-year cycle can provide better patience, understanding, (depending upon the maturity of the person, of course).

If you are a couple where both of you are in the same seven-year cycle, this can be a source of unity and support because you are going through the same things (although I would add here that I think men and women often experience different intensifications of aspects of the same seven year cycle, so it may not be exactly the same), but it can also be difficult because neither person can step outside the relationship and look at it from a broader perspective, and neither may have completely developed greater understanding or patience.

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and we were both in our early twenties (I was 21) when we married.  I truly believe that  at least from my personal experience and from watching the couples around us that these cycles of a relationship are dead-on.

Of course, the trick is to survive the stages!  Can you identify where your relationship is according to Tapestries?

Understanding where you and your partner are in relationship to the seven year cycles throughout the lifespan on top of understanding the cycles of a relationship can be of great help….

We will look at a summary of each of the seven year phases for the adult in our next post.

Thanks for reading,

Carrie

Co-Sleeping and Nighttime Parenting

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For those of you co-sleeping with your children, Attachment Parenting’s International Research Group has released a position paper that may be of interest to you:

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/pdfs/APIRG_safe_sleep_%20position_paper.pdf

My own thoughts on nighttime parenting generally run toward personal amusement as new parents repeatedly get asked the same question, “Is the baby a good sleeper?” 

What exactly does that term mean?  What does the term “good sleeper” mean to you?  That they sleep 12 hours at 2 weeks of age?  That you can shut the door and say, “I am off-duty for 12 hours, see you when I open the door  in the morning?”

Parenting does not work like that, does it?  The suggestion is humorous, yet in American society, it is almost what people seem to expect.  Immediate independence of the baby from the parents.  Rugged solitary individualism.

Because I love other cultures and anthropological kinds of studies, for me this question of “good sleep”  always leads to me to think about the cultural connotations of sleep.

There is a wonderful book that many of you probably know called, “Our Babies, Ourselves,” by Meredith Small.  It is a fascinating book and here are some interesting sleep facts:

  • For most of human history a baby has slept with his or her mother, or perhaps both parents. 
  • It was not even until 200 years ago cultures began to construct dwellings with more than one room. The majority of people around the world still live in one -room shelters where all activities take place.
  • 50 out of 136 cultures evaluated by anthropologist John Whiting found mother slept with child and father slept in another place.
  • In 67 percent of cultures around the world children sleep either in parent’s room and/or bed. Japanese teenagers sleep in their parents’ room.

Newborn babies sleep for short periods interspersed by even shorter periods of wakefulness.   Interestingly enough, babies enter sleep through the REM sleep cycle, which is different than adults, and they also spend more time in REM sleep than adults.   By three to four months, establishment of nocturnal and diurnal cycles takes places and eventually consolidates into longer periods of sleep.  Many babies will sleep four hours at a time in the first few weeks, some will  reach eight hours of continuous sleep by 4 months of age.

Sleeping through the night by medical standards is not a 8 hour stretch, however.  It is a stretch from midnight to five am.  Dr.  Sears has said that 70 percent of babies slept from midnight to 5 am by 3 months of age, with another 13 percent doing that by 6 months of age.  Ten percent of infants did not sleep uninterrupted throughout the first year.

“ALL children will sleep like adults,eventually, it is just a matter of how long it takes them to achieve this pattern.” says Dr. William Sears.

However, the amount of sleep in other cultures seems  variable, according to Meredith Small.  She cites , for example, that:

  • Kipsigis African babies wake three to four times a night until they are eight months old
  • Dutch children sleep 2 hours more a day than American children

James McKenna, the well-known anthropological sleep researcher from University of Notre Dame,  believes that all of us are designed to be biphasic sleepers designed to sleep twice in a 24 hour period.  His website is very interesting and can be found here:  http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/index.html

Mothers and babies who sleep together are in sync and are physiologically entwined in that  the movements,breathing of one partner, mother or baby, affect the other. This may be important because each time the baby responds to an arousal by its mom, the response sets in motion a cycle that gives infants additional practice in breathing.  Co-sleeping mothers exhibit five times the protective response behaviors toward their babies.

When co-sleeping, infants spend greater amounts of time in levels 1-2  of sleep and less time at the deeper levels, exhibit more REM sleep, and are awake longer.  This is important for protection against SIDS. 

The other benefit for co-sleeping for older babies who are  still nursing at night is that many calories may be obtained at night.  Research has show babies as old as ten months of age were receiving up to 25 percent of their calories at night.  McKenna reports infants who co-sleep and breastfeed at night wake up for shorter periods of time and have less crying than breastfeeding infants sleeping not in proximity to their mothers.

If your baby is an older baby or toddler and is frequently waking, there could be true physical causes of night waking.  The baby could be hungry or thirsty, hot or cold, or wet.  Teething could be a factor or also other developmental milestones.  Reflux and food allergies can also be a culprit.   I have talked to many mothers whose infants had history of reflux and were on medications and when their infant “grew out of their reflux” and were taken off their medications, they had a toddler with frequent night waking.  It may be worth further investigation if this sounds like your toddler. 

Noise, environmental irritants, stuffy nose, allergy, ear infections, pinworms, UTI,  and pain at night can also impact night waking for the older baby and toddler.

Safe co-sleeping is paramount.  Here is a partial list of parameters for safe co-sleeping from www.naturalchild.org:

 

Safety while cosleeping is of utmost importance. Parents should take very seriously the importance of providing their babies with a safe sleeping environment. There are many guidelines, most of which are common sense (Sears, 1995b; Thevenin, 1987). To start with, the bed must be arranged in such a way as to eliminate the possibility of the child falling out. This can be done using a mesh guardrail, a special cosleeper crib (with three sides), or by pushing the bed flush against the wall, making sure there are no crevices which could entrap the baby. Next, in the early months, parents must be sure to place the baby next to the mother rather than between the parents as fathers are not usually as aware of their infants as the mothers are at first. Cosleepers should use a large bed or a sidecar arrangement, with a three-sided crib clamped flush to the mother’s side of the bed and the mattresses set to the same level. They should avoid using heavy comforters or pillows near the infant. Babies should not be overdressed as the warmth of the mother will be shared with the child. Infants who cosleep are usually breastfed throughout the night; this is to be encouraged. Waterbeds, sofas, and other soft surfaces should not be the location for cosleeping (Heinig, 2000; Sears, 1995b; Thevenin, 1987). Most importantly, parents should not cosleep if they are seriously sleep-deprived or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Parents who are smokers should not cosleep as secondary smoke greatly increases the risk of death from SIDS (McKenna et al., 1993; Sears, 1995b).

For the full article, which is full of anthropological studies and references and is really, really interesting, please see here:  http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html

Other detailed safety parameters can be found here:

http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/sleep/family-bed-safety.html

Here are some recommendations from that Mothering article by James McKenna:

James J. McKenna, professor of anthropology and director of the University of Notre Dame’s Center for Behavioral Studies of Mother-Infant Sleep, has this to say about the CPSC study: “It attempted to medicalize an event that is a rational issue. It is a safety issue, but not only a safety issue. . . . Most babies die in cribs, so do you conclude that cribs are dangerous and babies should sleep with parents? No, you concentrate on solving the problem, but with cosleeping you attempt to eliminate the practice. That is not science, that is a cultural choice.”2

McKenna’s work has gone a long way toward helping parents who do choose to cosleep keep their babies safe. Here is a list of rules for family bed safety:

  • For parents who smoke, drink, or are unusually heavy sleepers, or use any kind of drugs that inhibit arousal from sleep, cosleeping on the same surface with a baby is not recommended, said McKenna. For these parents, having their child sleep on a separate surface near them, such as a cradle or bassinet, will protect the baby from overlaying while still providing the baby with many of the same benefits as cosleeping.
  • Make sure the surface your baby sleeps on is firm. “There are many adult mattresses that can match the stiffness of CPSC recommendations,” McKenna said. Avoid waterbeds, lambskins, and other soft bedding for your baby. Stuffed animals and toys should be kept out of the baby’s sleep environment.
  • Don’t give pillows to babies or young toddlers, and keep their faces away from your pillow. Keep blankets away from babies’ faces, too.
  • Cosleeping babies are kept warmer than solitary sleeping babies, so they need lighter blankets and pajamas. (Being too warm may be a factor in SIDS.)
  • Toddlers should not be allowed to sleep next to infants, said McKenna, because “They are too unaware of the dangers their bodies pose.” Instead, either the infant or the toddler can sleep on a separate surface next to the family bed—the infant in a cosleeper, crib, or bassinet; the toddler in a toddler bed or mattress on the floor.
  • Headboards, footboards, and side rails can be unsafe, especially if a baby is left alone in bed with these trappings. One of the most dangerous situations for young children is getting their heads wedged in furniture, said McKenna. He suggested making sure the child’s head can’t fit between the side rail and any surrounding surfaces. If a parent is using a crib as a sidecar, make sure the two mattresses are on the same level and held tightly together, so there is no space that a baby could slip into. If a bed is up against a wall, ensure that there are no gaps in which a child’s head can get trapped. Another option is to put the mattress right on the floor, so that side rails are not necessary to prevent a baby from falling off the bed.
  • Do not sleep on the sofa with your baby, or leave a sleeping baby alone on a sofa.
  • Do not leave a baby unattended in an adult bed. The benefits of the family bed exist only when the parents are there with the child; if the parents want some adult time while baby sleeps, the child should be put somewhere else—such as a crib, bassinet, or mattress on the floor—until the parents are ready for him to join them, McKenna said.

Co-sleeping is a cultural choice; there are many benefits to co-sleeping once a safe sleeping environment is ascertained.

Happy, peaceful dreams and safe co-sleeping,

Carrie

Celebrations of Spring in the Waldorf Home

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“Children relate to the world around them primarily through what is seen and done.  It is only later that they easily grasp abstract ideas.  So in preparing festivals for children we give priority to the visual presentation and to the accompanying activity.  We have found it best to avoid completely the temptation to explain in words anything to do with the meaning or background to a festival.  It could be many years later that illuminating connections in thought are discovered by the child- but this will be a personal discovery and therefore all the more precious and inspiring.”

-All Year Round, page 42.

Here are some ideas for celebrating Spring within your Waldorf Home! (I did not include Passover and hope to find you a blog to link to with Passover ideas – Loveyland, where are you??)

Karneval/Mardi Gras:  Probably not a true Waldorf tradition celebrated within the Waldorf school, but Karneval is a season of fun in many regions of Germany !  You could consider celebrating at home with cutting out chains of colorful paper dolls and hanging them up, celebrating with  a Karneval party where the children dress up (not in scary costume, but colorful costume!) and there is dancing and singing and food.  Some regions of Germany celebrate with a special kind of  jelly-filled donut for Karneval.

The season of Karneval typically culminates in Shrove Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday.  Wikipedia has a lovely entry on all the different foods people in different countries eat on this day before Lent.  See this link for further details:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrove_Tuesday   In my region of the United states, this night is known to many in the US as “pancake dinner” night for “Fat Tuesday.”

There are many pancake rhymes out there, here is one I remember that I believe is Mother Goose:

Mix a pancake

Stir a pancake

Pop it in a pan

Fry a pancake

Toss a pancake

Catch it if you can

You could have a pancake tossing race as I am told they do in England!

In some Protestant traditions, families make pretzels on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.  Here is a recipe I found:  http://www.rca.org/Page.aspx?pid=2601.    I also found this link regarding pretzels and their role in Lent from a Catholic perspective:  http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0535.html 

Lent: 

According to the book, “Celebrating Irish Festivals” regarding Lent:  “In older times people were expected to abstain from all animal fats during Lent.  This meant no eggs, butter, milk or meat, so the people ate simple meals like porridge, with black tea for breakfast; and potatoes, herring and seaweed for dinner………..In the 19th century the custom changed so that only Ash Wednesday and Good Friday were strictly observed fasts.  There was a prohibition on dancing and singing during Lent.  Visiting friends was frowned upon, as were card games; and still today many people decide not to visit the pub during this period……Nowadays, many people choose to give something up for Lent.  This can be a habit, or something like chocolate or sweets.  You could also choose to take up some spiritual discipline during this time.”

I personally like to do more intensive inner work during the 12 days of Christmas and during Lent.  One thing that I have been using for my own adult inner work during this season of Lent is the contemplation of my role  in Social Justice.  I have been using these devotions as found here:  http://images.rca.org/docs/discipleship/LentenDevotional.pdf  Food for thought. 

Maybe you would like to join the Anthroposophical Society during this time to further your foundation for Waldorf homeschooling.  Maybe you will intensify your yoga practice or prayer or meditation life.  I am sure you  will find the thing that speaks the most strongly to you.

Other thoughts for during Lent include Spring Cleaning, and also cleansing your body with such herbs as dandelion and nettle.   There are many wonderful recipes for this in many of the festival books.

The book “All Year Round” has this to add regarding the celebration of Lent with small children:

“In what ways can we develop an appropriate Lenten mood for a younger child?  We could sit together for a few minutes each morning, listening in silence as the birdsong  gains strength from the ebb of night.  We could take time to watch for the moon as it unfolds its rhythmic process between darkness and light.  There are many small, quiet ways in which the adult can offer certain pictures.  We do not mean art reproductions of the Crucifixion, which children can find disturbing, but pictures taken “out of the book of Nature”, or presentations of a symbolic quality.    For example, if an unlit candle stands on the dining room table each day instead of flowers, this can make a very deep impression…….”

St. Patrick’s Day:

The book “Celebrating Irish Festivals” discusses the life of St. Patrick and provides a story about Finn MacCool and St. Patrick, which would probably be suitable for eight-year-olds and up. 

Some children wake up to find a St. Patrick on their Nature Table.  Many families celebrate this day by having green food (yes, the dye, the horror!), making shamrock rolls, hunting for shamrocks outside, sewing little green felt shamrocks to pin to a shirt.  Celtic music is great fun as well.  Some mothers sew a small little green shirt and pants and leave them somewhere for the children to find in the morning, or have a scavenger-type hunt for gold.   I have known parents who even went so far to use green food coloring in the toilets even, LOL!

I don’t know how “Waldorf-y” any of this is, but it sure is fun!

Spring Equinox:  A great time to change the scene on your Nature Table!

Some families set up an egg tree especially for the Equinox and some families do one tree for the Equinox and one for Easter.  Some families wet felt flowers and when they are dry, tack them to their shirts with a safety pin.  Some families use the Equinox to leave out special gifts for the birds to build nests with or make birdhouses or Mason bee houses.  Wet-on-wet watercolor painting on paper cut out in the shapes of chicks or rabbits also comes to mind, as does those simple pipe cleaner and coffee filter butterflies.

 Easter: 

Palm Sunday:  All Year Round recommends making a cockerel to hang over the breakfast table for the children to wake up to and includes directions.

There is also a thought that if you have been using an unlit candle on your table, then you start lighting it on Palm Sunday.

This can also be a day to sow grass seed or wheat grass or start a Lenten Garden in a dish.

For the time between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday, you could make an Easter Pole as a family.  The pole usually is made from a branch that you can bend into a hoop at the top, decorate with streamers and a bread rooster.   Some families also do an Easter tree and decorate it with blown and dyed Easter eggs. Even a small child of age 4 or 5 may be able to take a large-eyed needle to sew some yellow felt together to make Easter chicks for the Easter Tree.

Maundy Thursday may be a day of a simple meal.  In much of Europe, this is a day to eat green food such as herbs and salad.

Good Friday is ideally the day to make Hot Cross Buns and also to dye Easter eggs if you have not done that before this day.  There is a lovely book regarding Easter Crafts, titled simply “The Easter Craft Book” by Thomas and Petra Berger that may give you other ideas.

Some families also plant things on Good Friday, and seeds are nice gifts in the Easter baskets.

Holy Saturday/Easter Sunday:  A day of waiting, stillness, anticipation.  Some families make a bread ring for Easter morning that has “pockets’ in it, and on Easter morning the children wake up to dyed eggs being in the pockets.

“All Year Round” has a simple explanation about the Easter bunny versus the Easter Hare and remarks, “May we make a plea for the reinstatement of the Easter Hare?  He is fast becoming an endangered species, owing to the increasing popularity of the “Easter Bunny.”  The rabbit, with its established communal life and reputation for timidity, presents a very different picture from that of the hare.  The hare is a loner, creating the most transient of abodes.  He is said to be a bold and courageous creature, and his upright stance is characteristic.  His long ears suggest a wide and intelligent interest in the world, and in legend and folklore he is invested with the virtue of self-sacrifice.”

If you are searching for Easter stories, Suzanne Down’s “Spring Tales” has a story about the Hare, the book “Festivals, Families and Food” has two separate tales about the Easter Hare .

As far as Easter baskets go, I know many Waldorf families who put small trinkets in the basket as opposed to candy.  Homemade items and toys are always especially wonderful.

Earth Day:  I don’t know if this is celebrated in Waldorf schools, but it may be fun to celebrate our love for the Earth and the home we share by marking the day in some way.  I have looked at a number of links on the Internet about Earth Day and small children and have not found any of them to be especially appropriate for the under-nine child from a Waldorf perspective.

Waldorf approaches the challenges we are facing in the environment from a perspective and realization that the young child is ONE with the environment; with all the trees, the animals, the birds, and the plants. As Waldorf educators, we work hard to foster reverence and wonder for the great outdoors.

So, my suggestion would be to take part in hiking that day, planting a tree, or if you have seven, eight and nine year-olds, possibly participate in helping to clean up a trail, park or river –IF you can keep the “gloom and doom” out of it and just simply say, “We are helping to keep Mother Earth neat and clean.” No guilt about what the human race is doing wrong yet! 

Remember, holidays and festivals the Waldorf way are about DOING, not the words or the explanations.  DOING.

Yours till next time,

Carrie

What Kind of Family Are You?

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In my last post, regarding “Potty Training With Love”, I alluded to Barbara Coloroso’s framework of different types of families; other frameworks such as these also exist.

Before you can approach your inner work, your parenting, the tone in your home, it may be helpful to step outside of yourself if you can and view see what your family really is like, the dynamics of your home.

Here are some frameworks that may stimulate some thought for you:

In the book Kids Are Worth It! By Barbara Coloroso, she defines three types of families:

  1. Brickwall – This type of family has a definitive hierarchy of control with the parents being in charge, has lots of strict rules, a high value on punctuality, cleanliness and order, a rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or threatened violence, the use of punishment to break the child’s will and spirit, rigid rituals and rote learning, use of humiliation, extensive use of threats and bribes, heavy reliance on competition, learning takes place with no margin for error, love is highly conditional, gender roles are strictly enforced, children are taught what to think but not how to think.
  1. Jellyfish A families – most likely raised in a Brickwall family, this parent is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but does not know what to replace it with. So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits and tends to smother his children. Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs. The lack of structure can then lead to a frustrated parent who ends up resorting to threats, bribes, punishments.
  2. Jellyfish B families – May be struggling with personal problems that keep her almost totally centered on herself. No one is around to provide a nurturing, caring, supportive environment.

In both types of Jellyfish families, the following characteristics prevail: Anarchy and chaos in the physical and emotional environment, no recognizable rules or guidelines for the children, arbitrary and inconsistent punishments and rewards are made, mini -lectures and put-downs are the main parenting tools, second chances are arbitrarily given, threats and bribes are frequently used, everything takes place in an environment of chaos, emotions rule the behavior of parents and children, children are taught that love is highly conditional, children are easily led by their peers.

  1. Backbone families – Parents give their children the six critical life messages, democracy is a learned experience where children see their feelings and needs are respected and accepted and they also see that it is not always easy to juggle the wants and needs of all members of the family, mistakes are viewed as opportunities to grow, rules are simply and clearly stated, consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural or reasonable, children are motivated to be all they can be, children receive lots of smiles and hugs, children get second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings through a strong sense of self-awareness, competency and cooperation are modeled and encouraged, love is unconditional, children are taught how to think, children are buffered from sexual promiscuity/drug abuse/suicide by three messages: I like myself, I can think for myself, There is no problem so great, it cannot be solved.

Linda Budd, Ph.D., looks at three traits central to all families in her book “Living With The Active Alert Child”: who’s in charge, what the family values, and how the family handles emotion. She breaks families down into the following categories:

  1. The Closed Family – There is someone clearly in charge, and the others are expected to follow and be obedient. The family values stability. There are many traditions and rituals to create this strong sense of family unity. The family has a hard time with the intensity of emotions. Benefits of this family type include the children growing up with a strong sense of order and feeling secure within the family structure.
  1. The Random Family – Control in this family changes hands frequently- no one person is in charge. This family values freedom, choice, competition, challenge, creative expression. Individuals are valued over the family unit. People in this family express themselves passionately, intensely, authentically. Children in this system have few limits and limited supervision, but their creativity and intensity are confirmed.
  1. The Open Family – The family values equality. Control is cooperative, participatory and persuasive. Consensus is used to make decisions. The family values dialogue, tolerance, adaptability. The family needs are balanced with individual needs. The child is valued as a partner who needs help in discovering her own limits. Parents and child negotiate limits and collaborate in problem solving. Cooperation and responsibility are valued. Children feel as if they have mutual power, and that their feelings are acknowledged.
  1. The Synchronous Family – Control is understood without one person being the source. Control comes from a shared goal or value system, not from an individual. Adults assume children will learn what is correct and what is expected by watching the parents’ example. Emotions are reserved. Children gain a strong sense of security, order and routine.

She gives the example of a 5-year old running through the living room.

The Closed Family says: “You are not to run in the living room. You will have to go to your room until you learn how to behave in here.”

The Random Family: No one notices, or mom and dad may play chase with him if they feel like it.

The Open Family: “Mark, when you run through the living room, you disturb your grandma who is trying to read. You also stepped on the block house your sister is building. We have lots of special things in here that might get broken. It is not okay to run in the living room. Let’s think of a place where you might be able to run around without disturbing anyone else.”

The Synchronous Family: Uncle Jim says to Mark, “Come sit by me while I carve.” Uncle Jim continues to carve, saying nothing to Mark about his behavior. Twenty minutes later, Mark’s mother puts items Mark disturbed back into place.

Food for thought: What kind of family is your family according to either Barbara Coloroso’s or Linda Budd’s structure?

Are you and your significant other different according to Barbara Coloroso or Linda Budd’s structure? What was the family you grew up in like?

Have a meditative day,

Carrie

Anger in Parenting

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Many of us feel uncomfortable when our children openly express anger.  We feel it is our duty to make the anger go away as soon as possible.  Many of us feel uncomfortable with our own issues involving anger in parenting because if we feel angry in our parenting, then obviously we are a bad parent, right?

Nonviolent Communication views anger as a gift!  How is that possible, you may ask?  On page 144 of the book “Nonviolent Communication”, Marshall Rosenberg states that:  “At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.  This anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up – to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that is unlikely to be met.”

Wow, this is such a powerful thought.  Marshall Rosenberg goes on to discuss how anger takes our energy and directs it toward punishing other people instead of using our energy to meet our needs.   He has this to say about the way we use our language:

“We say: “You make me angry.”  “You hurt me by doing that.  I feel sad because you did that.”  We use our language in many different ways to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do.  The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel.”

This is so important to hear in parenting.  You have a choice how you react to your child. Your child is supposed to be immature, otherwise they would have been born a wrinkly 70-year-old.  You set the tone in your home, and you have a choice how you act.  Anger gives you a chance to figure out how your child is feeling – you don’t have to ask an under seven-year-old how they are feeling! You can probably tell at that moment what your child is feeling, and if you can stop and think, perhaps you can ascertain what you need as well.   NVC is a wonderful framework for you as a parent!

Marshall Rosenberg outlines the four steps to expressing anger as 1- stop and breathe; 2- identify our judgmental thoughts 3- connect with our own needs and 4-express our feelings and unmet needs.  A Waldorf perspective would say that while this framework is valuable for the adult to go through and work off of, it does not need to be shared with a small child under the age of seven.  As an adult, once we practice, perhaps we can do this in our head and then show the ACTION to our child.  What we do to meet the child’s needs, and our needs.

It is also most important for children, especially children under the age of seven,  to see how anger RESOLVES.  How you can take a deep breath and say, “Wow, I am so glad that I am over that!  Let’s go get a cup of raspberry tea!”  Children under the age of 7  need to see how we regain control when we are angry because they will imitate that – and they do not need to have many words around it other the notion of  I was upset and you were upset,  now it is over.

One thing that comes up frequently when mothers talk to me is that the mothers are so tapped out they cannot pay attention to their children’s needs because their own needs are so completely unmet.  If your needs are met in some ways as well, it becomes easier for you as a parent to connect to your child and what they may need.  Pam Leo, in the book “Connection Parenting” has this to say:

“While learning to decode behavior may seem challenging, it makes the job of parenting more joyful and less a struggle.  When we see parenting as the job of trying to control children’s behavior, parenting is a struggle because we cannot control children’s behavior.  When we see our job as that of meeting children’s needs, we enjoy our children, because we can meet their needs.”

The book “When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide” by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, et al.  is based on a two-year study of 285 parents and details the when and how parents get angry at their kids, the most important causes of anger, and the best ways to  cope with anger.  In their study, two-thirds of the parents reported feeling anger to the point of shouting or screaming at their children an average of five times per week.  They also found that children received less emotional support, nurturing and encouragement as parents get angry.  They also discovered that children of angry parents are more aggressive and noncompliant, that children of angry parents are less empathic and have poor overall adjustment.  Anger is a natural emotion, and it is an alarm clock for our own unmet needs.  However, for the health of our children, it is very important to pay attention to what we can do to solve the situation.

Again, all parents get angry, and in the above book, McKay and the other authors detail why parents become angry.  Their list includes the following:  parents are “in charge” every hour of every day, including all night long; children are messy; children are noisy; caring for children involves repetitive and time-consuming tasks; children are self-centered; children push the limits; children need a tremendous amount of  attention and approval; and children require eternal vigilance as they are often drawn to danger. 

They then come back to the same conclusion as Marshall Rosenberg; that anger is often tied to “trigger thoughts”, such as “He should know better than this!”  “She is just doing this to push my buttons!”  “They have no respect for me at all!”

If we are familiar with developmental stages, we can identify which ages may be more likely to be developmentally challenging for our child and be more prepared.  This book details 20 typical situations that stimulate “trigger thoughts” in parents and alternative explanations, along with short descriptions of each developmental stage from one through age nine including quotes from the Gesell Institute books (“Your One Year Old”, “Your Two Year Old”  “Your Three Year Old”, etc).

This book talks about changing your “trigger thoughts” into coping statements that normalize things, such as “All kids go through these stages.”  “This is normal for this age.” 

They suggest thinking about what the child needs in a situation, and specific statements  for you to say to yourself in response to typical trigger thoughts.  Their other suggestion is one I have brought up earlier in this post, and that is making sure your own tank is filled.  McKay, Fanning and the other authors suggest learning relaxation techniques including deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, relaxing without tension, cue-controlled relaxation, breath-counted mediation, and how to cue into your own physical signs that you are getting angry early on.

They suggest:

  • Using coping thoughts at the first sign of tension or anger.
  • Stop and breathe.
  • If it helps, physically turn away from the scene that is causing you anger (Of course the mom in me was thinking here, why yes, but have these researchers ever had a child wrapped around each leg screaming their heads off?)
  • Take a “parent time out” if you need it to calm down.
  • Meet your child’s needs – they suggest food, water, rest, time to calm down, sleep, safety, security, attention, hugs, kisses, praise, diversion or distraction, help doing things, help solving a problem, to be listened to, a need for freedom, autonomy,power, clear limits and rules, consistency, stimulation and activity.

Here is something to think about regarding the idea of “power, clear limits and rules, consistency”  mentioned in the last sentence above.  Nancy Samalin, in her book “Love and Anger:  the parental dilemma” details this account in her book:

“One of the few men you attended my morning workshop, Ted was deeply committed to being a good father to his four-year-old daughter, Jessica.  During the course of the workshops, Ted revealed that the reason he took parenting so seriously was that he wanted to avoid at all costs making the same mistakes his parents had made.  Ted grew up in a tense and punitive home, where there were frequent angry confrontations between him and his parents.  He remembered that as a child he had often felt intense feelings of hatred for his father, and he couldn’t bear the idea that his daughter would ever have such feelings toward him.  He bent over backward to avoid confrontations in their home, and described how he would always explain his restrictions carefully to his daughter to she would “understand” the reasons for his limits. “She knows why she has to be in bed by eight o’clock,”  Ted said. “And she can accept it because it doesn’t just seem like an empty rule.”

I could see how much Ted valued the solid communication that existed between him and his daughter, and I didn’t want to say anything that might burst his bubble. But if there was one thing I knew about four-year-olds, it was that they have a tremendous capacity for unreasonable behavior, even given the most patient explanations.  Although Ted and his daughter were close, by their very nature preschoolers do not take kindly to the limits adults set, no matter how reasonable and necessary these limits are.”

 

Nancy Samalin goes on to say there was an event that Ted experienced with his daughter that demonstrated when there is a conflict of needs, the conflict cannot always be reasoned away.  She goes on to write, “Ted  needed to be firm without being punitive, but he also needed to accept the inevitable – that Jessica would be upset  at having to stop what she was doing and accede to his wishes.”  She goes on to suggest keeping the limit, but a small choice in how to carry the limit out  – “I know you want to stay and play, but we have to leave now.  Would you like to walk or be carried?”  Waldorf probably would move this more into the realm of fantasy and movement, but you do get the idea of how to keep a limit in a loving way.

I have a few random thoughts in closing:

  • Sometimes we do everything we can do to meet our child’s needs, but in a family of multiple children, sometimes one person’s or child’s needs has to be met FIRST. It does not mean the other children will not get their needs met, but that sometimes there has to be an order to start.
  • As a child hits the 3 year old and up range, wants and needs are definitely not the same.  What your child is telling you what they want may not be what they need, and it is your job as the parent to look under the want to find that need.  Loving limits are not the enemy in parenting.  No spanking, not so many words, a loving, warm, kind presence, and yes, loving limits set with redirection of  fantasy and movement at first and then moving into short, simple phrases during that six-year-old year.  This is what children need.
  • Have a plan ready for when everything is going crazy – even if that plan is just to stop and breathe, to take a parent time-out.
  • Have someone who you can call if you are at the breaking point – maybe another mother who is a close friend who would be willing to come over and watch your children for a moment while you pull it together. We should all be so lucky to have such a network.
  • Hang around with parents who also have nonviolent guiding of the child as their goal.  Seek out these parents at Attachment Parenting Meetings, La Leche League meetings, or other places in your town where like-minded parents may meet.  Get support over the Internet.  There are many Yahoo!Groups for positive discipline out there.
  • Be familiar with normal developmental stages; it helps you know what possibly coming your way.
  • Work hard to cultivate your own personal, peaceful energy.  When you are a  new mother, it is often a “good day” when your child “behaves” and “doesn’t melt down” but when you become a more experienced mother it is not how they behaved, but how YOU behaved that day.
  • Keep reminding yourself that you set the tone for your home in how you respond to things, anger happens, you can make a mistake and it will be okay. You do not have to be perfect, you can be an Authentic Leader (go back through this blog and search for the Authentic Leadership posts if that helps!) 
  • Rhythm and less words really help carry the three to six year old set.  Please do look back through this blog for those posts.  Hopefully they will inspire you and help you.

 

If you feel as if your child’s needs are being met and every day is still a battle, I would encourage you to seek help for you and your family.  Some children have food allergies, sensory processing disorders or other needs that need to be addressed before your family can live in harmony.

If you feel as if your anger is actually your issue and not being triggered by things in parenting, I encourage you to speak to a find a nonviolent communication support group, a therapist, a  mentor, a neutral third party, to assist you in uncovering the need hiding beneath the anger.  Many of the Waldorf consultants on the Waldorf consultant list on this blog will do telephone consultations, and while not therapists, may be able to assist you with seeing the larger picture with parenting and homeschooling.

Many peaceful blessings to you, my dear reader.

Are You Present?

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I am re-reading the lovely book “Everyday Blessings:  The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting,” by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn.  This book affects me deeply each time I read it, and each time I peel another layer of myself back in the process. 

I wanted to share one beautiful passage with you all:

“As I see it, all parents, regardless of the ages of our children at any point in time, are on an arduous journey, an odyssey of sorts, whether we know it or not, and whether we like it or not.  The journey, of course, is nothing other than life itself, with all its twists and turns, its ups and its downs.  How we see and hold the full range of experiences in our minds and our hearts makes an enormous difference in the quality of this journey we are on, and what it means to us.  It can influence where we go, what happens, what we learn, and how we feel along the way.”

This passage also jumped off the page at me:

“Mindful parenting is hard work.  It means knowing ourselves inwardly, and working at the interface where our inner lives meet the lives of our children.  It is particularly hard work in this era, when the culture is intruding more and more into our homes and into our children’s lives in so many new ways.”

I think the first part of this statement is critical though. If we do not know ourselves inwardly, we cannot work at the interface described.  We cannot keep culture at bay and imprint our own family values and traditions on our children if we do not know what these are.

Parenting is often noisy, repetitive, challenging, sleep-deprived, joyful, busy, exhausting.  Yet, at this time and in this place, we must learn to find the moments of stillness, the moments to be present, the moment to step back and see through all the movement to the frozen frame of the faces of the ones we hold dearest in our hearts.  We must find moments to think and to ponder and to dream.  This could be just several minutes in the morning, a few more minutes at quiet time, a moment for tea in the afternoon and a few moments before bed.  Find a blank notebook, and start writing your thoughts down.  Write about how you want to parent, your own areas of challenge as a parent and as a couple, write about what you want your children to value, write about the family traditions you would like to start; small this year and adding every year after.  Write your own biography.  Learn about yourself along this journey, and love yourself for all the positive things you do, all the mistakes made along the way, all the times you have had self-control, all the times you have been joyous in your family life, all the moments of authenticity so your children know who you are.

Dream those big dreams for peace for your household and peace for the world.

Good night, dear reader, and peace onto you and yours.

Carrie

The Necessity of Mothering and Fathering

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Awhile ago, I was at a party and one of my neighbors was talking about how her 15 –year –old son called home day and asked if he and his friends could stop at Taco Mac.  It was 6:35 and they were supposed to be leaving to go somewhere as a family at 6:45.  She was kind of going back and forth with the 15 –year- old for a few minutes when her husband just looked at his watch, calculated how far away the Taco Mac was and the time, took the phone out of her hands and said “6:45” and hung up.  And we all laughed because is that not the difference sometimes between mothering and fathering? I have heard a Master Waldorf  person say (maybe Betty Staley??)  in an audio tape boys only want to know 3 things – who is in charge, what are the rules, and what happens if I break the rules and girls want to know about quality of their relationships – they will cheat on a test, for example, to keep a friend.  So perhaps these difference persist throughout the years.

So I guess I use these examples to say, yes,  I think there is a place for mothering and fathering.  There is a place for a mother  to model how you do things with your child,  for your husband to see, but there is also a place for your husband to develop his own relationship with his own child.  That being said, I know the Gesell Institute books say many children will not have much to do with dad until they are 5 or so.  I think this depends on the family and the child’s personality as well as  if the mother works and dad takes care of the kids without mom around – they sort of have to develop some kind of relationship then.  I have seen many families where the mother stays at home and the father NEVER has the children without the mother on any kind of a regular basis, so when the mother does leave the children with the father without her, all parties have a harder time.  I have also seen many mothers who made their husbands feel incompetent when he attempted to take care of the children, and basically did not “let” the dad take care of the children .  Therefore, the children almost looked at dad as he was or certainly must be incompetent.  This is not ideal, because there is a place for mothering and fathering, and there is also a need of the child to see the adults in the household having Authentic Leadership.  If you need help as to what Authentic Leadership may look like, please refer to this post I wrote:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipl…tic-leadershipgentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/

“Lifeways”  has a chapter on “The Father as Full Parent” – in this case, a dad who is a single dad and  raising his child. He talks about how parental love surrounds the child with a protective cloak of caring (an image you hear a lot about in Waldorf) to provide soul-warmth for a child (also an image you hear a lot about) and how this protection turns into mediation –“standing between the child and the world in such a way as to strengthen him in facing its joys and hardships” and how this is different than over-protection.   He says that to  “find that right combination of firmness and gentleness is surely a struggle for every parent.”  I hear many mothers say that with their partners instead of providing guidance through a  side-ways approach to a situation that involves fantasy and movement for a child under the age of 7,   it can turn into words that are harsher and more direct.  However, tunless physical or emotional abuse is happening, perhaps this is not the place for a mother and wife to nag; it may instead be a place to model, to demonstrate and to let the dads work on softening themselves and their relationship with their small child.  This is truly work.  Sometimes different things trigger different things in  people, so knowing what really upsets your partner in parenting can also be  a large assistance.  Sometimes I personally do need my husband to step in as he can cut to the chase many times better than me – and sometimes he can show that great skill in fathering in a redirecting way that does involve fantasy and movement, which is great to see.  And sometimes I need to balance him out the way he balances me out!  The joy of partnership!

But I digress – back to the Lifeways book – the chapter goes on to talk about the anecdote to this  sort of problem, and also the base of relationship with children, would be to “have tremendous fun” together.   What is the tone in your home right now?  What are you all doing for fun as a family together?  Do you do fun things every week together?  Do you love one another and have joy in your household?  This is important, because everyone has a need to feel easy within their own home, to feel relaxed, to feel loved, and to feel as if family is a refuge from the outside world.

In the beginning, I recounted a story from my neighbor and her husband, and after the above story, he said to me, “The boys and I have a lot of fun together and that helps carry the times when I do need to be stricter and they need to tow the line.”  Fun and love is what carries it, especially for children under the age of 7.  The author of the fathering chapter in the “Lifeways” book says, “I am learning that parenthood is a path of service and sacrifice, but is also a powerful stimulus to one’s own self-development.  It continually shatters my complacency; and for that I am continually grateful.”  Isn’t this such a powerful statement about parenting?  It changes your life.

Another thought for mothers would be to be very direct and specific as to what you want, when you and your husband sit down to talk without your small children present.  My husband tells me all the time, “Even after almost 17 years of marriage I cannot read your mind, please tell me what you want me to do around the house and I will do it, but do not expect me to know.” Ah, true words.   

Men who work outside the home often have a frustrating and fast-paced life to deal with.  In this vein, it was not always a good day at work when I worked outside the home, and neither is every day at home.  To me, though, being home is about the process of finding yourself, finding your Authentic Leadership, being able to create peace in your home.  It beats working outside the home any day to just have the opportunity to create a sacred space for my family. 

Just a few thoughts from my little world.

Transitioning the Only Child to Older Sibling

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La Leche League’s  publication THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING sums up the fear that many mothers have when pregnant with her second child: “The mother who is expecting her second child sometimes finds it hard to imagine that she will feel as close to the new baby as she does to the little one who is already here. Can there be the same strong love the second time around? The miracle of mother love is that it increases with each new birth. It is not diminished, not limited. It is not a pie that must be sliced into smaller pieces to accommodate extra plates at the table. With the new baby comes a resurgence of love for the whole family.”

Attached parents often find that in addition to preparing ourselves for the major transition from more of focusing on one child to focusing on the needs of the family, they would like suggestions for how to help prepare the older child.

THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING states that “generous portions of love and reassurance will go a long way toward helping your older child, the ex-baby, accept the demands that the new baby is making on your time”. It talks a lot about the helplessness of the baby and acceptance of sacrifices within the family for the new baby.

“Encourage them (older children) to remember that the new baby will be the only member of the family who will be completely dependent on you-just as they were at that age. When thought of in this way, it’s easier for a young person to recognize (but not always accept) that baby’s needs must certainly come first.”

”Looking ahead, you’ll find that cheerfully putting the needs of the baby first, as a matter of course, is an example of caring for others that benefits everyone. It’s a good way to educate your children for their future roles as loving parents.

This can be a delicate balance, however.  Some mothers have found that while she is the only one who can nurse the baby, the baby is more than agreeable to receiving diaper changes from daddy, and snuggling with an aunt or uncle after feeding, while a three or four year-old often has strong feelings and preferences as to which caregiver does what things.   A point to consider is many things for a toddler or preschooler is the repetition of “this is who always does these things” so to consider every point within your rhythm and who could do what may be helpful.  On the other hand, a three or four year  old may protest, but sometimes a baby’s truly physiologic, biological need is to be with Mommy while the toddler or preschooler has an emotional need to be loved and wanted by Mommy.  It is a balancing act, and everyone in the family has needs.  Sometimes the needs of one child will take precedence first, sometimes not, but the children are always loved and the needs are met.

Advice for Preparing Your Child for Pregnancy and Birth:

The Gesell Institute books (Your One-Year-Old, Your-Two-Year Old, etc)   discusses what children typically understand about pregnancy at the following ages (and it may be much less than you really think!)

  • 3 years old – Most do not understand when Mother says baby grows inside of her. Many believe that you purchase a baby the way you buy groceries. They can understand the idea that a baby may come from a hospital.
  • 4 years old: May believe that a baby grows inside a Mommy, but may also cling to notion babies are purchased. Asks how baby get out of Mother. May think baby is born through navel.
  • 5 years old: Interested in babies, having a baby.
  • 6 years old: Strong interest in origin of babies, pregnancy, birth. Vague idea babies follow marriage. Interest in how baby comes out of mother and if it hurts. Some interest in knowing how baby started.
  • 7 years old: Intense longing for new baby in family. Associates size of pregnant women with presence of baby. Interested in mother’s pregnancy. Interested in books about baby.

The Gesell Institute offers this wise advise:  “Unless the child asks questions, best delay the announcement till the last few months…The very young child has a very different sense of time from the adult.”

It can also be very surprising to mothers who thought their children really understood everything about the pregnancy and birth to find out as their children got more verbal several years later what they really  understood and remembered from the pregnancy and birth!

What Wise  Mothers Have Suggested:

Read On Mother’s Lap or Dr Sears’ Baby On The Way to older child

Call the newborn “our baby”

Point out breastfeeding babies and that babies need to nurse when you see them

Take  the older child to prenatal visits

Tell the older child their own birth story

Point out older siblings who are helping younger siblings when you see them

Let Dad take over some of the routines for the older child before the baby arrives….Many mothers commented to me that the children that they waited to do this with until after the baby was born seemed to  feel displaced and were not accepting of this change at first….Also harder on Dad, because Dad feels unwanted by the older child whom he is trying to help and assist.

If your child develops separation anxiety during the pregnancy, go with it

Some mothers have their children watch maternity/birth shows or videos – I personally have an issue with this, but that is just my own personal opinion….Please do consider your  child’s age and temperament though!

If your child is still nursing, talk about that your milk may dry up during pregnancy but the baby will bring it back (make the baby a hero :))

What Mothers Say About Including Siblings at Birth:

Write down a birth plan and figure out what you are comfortable with

Prepare your children for the physicality of birth – some children are uncomfortable with the things that happen, even older children. such as 9 year olds.  You must be prepared for not only what you have in mind, but your child’s needs regarding this.

Consider your child’s age

Have a back-up plan

Have drinks, snacks, toys at the ready

Some kids celebrate by baking a birthday cake while Mom is in labor

What Mothers and Other Sources Say About Adjusting As A Family

The Gesell Institute books say, “Downplay the baby. He or she absolutely will not care.”

THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING says:

Regarding Housework:

  1. People before Things.
  2. Simplify, declutter before baby comes
  3. Do “spring cleaning” before baby comes
  4. Rearrange cleaning supplies so they are child-proof but easily accessible
  5. Make your bed or not.
  6. Focus on one or two top priorities for the day.

Regarding Meal Planning:

  1. Advance meal preparation
  2. Simplify
  3. Use a slow-cooker or crock-pot.
  4. Prepare snacks at beginning of day with assistance of toddlers and older children
  5. Use music and sing, make meal-times special.

Regarding Laundry:

  1. Have an ample supply of clothing.
  2. Enlist your husband’s help
  3. Pre-sort and pre-soak
  4. Involve toddlers and older children.
  5. Don’t iron
  6. Find a way children can help hang up clothes.

Regarding Time for Other Little Ones:

  1. Have a nursing corner that will accommodate all children.
  2. Keep an assortment of play toys/ideas for other children that come out when nursing and change the assortment frequently.
  3. Sit on the floor while nursing.
  4. Toddlers love to dust and clean- work together
  5. Enlist Dad to keep older ones busy when you need time with the baby alone
  6. Encourage the older children to think of ways they can help each other, teach then household skills.

Typical Areas of Challenge in Meeting Family Needs:

And every family will come up with different ways to work with these challenges that work for them, but here is a list to get you thinking:

  • Tandem Nursing, or the older child who has weaned who wants to come back to the breast after the baby is born
  • What the older child  can do while baby nurses (or “the minute I sit down to nurse the baby, my older child needs something! 🙂
  • Co-sleeping
  • Older child waking up baby/Baby waking up older child
  • Naptimes and Bedtimes
  • “Alone” time for each of the children
  • When Number One Child  Wants to be the Baby – regression is common
  • When Number One Child  Feels Left Out

What Wise Mothers Say:

  • Try to maintain as close to a normal routine as possible
  • Be prepared for negative feelings from the older child regarding the baby
  • Be prepared that tandem nursing may not work out the way you thought
  • Be prepared for your own negative feelings
  • Try to make time to spend alone with your older child every day
  • Cultivate Dad-older child relationship
  • Let your older child hold and help care for the baby with supervision; if your child is young (ie, 18 months to 2 years of age),  some mothers suggest what worked well for them is  letting the older child touch the baby gently on  the feet and try to steer touching and loving to the feet more than the baby’s face and neck 
  • Try not to “blame” the baby for something your older child cannot do or have at that moment
  • “In any event, it is never wise to leave an untended, unprotected infant with an older sibling under the age of 6 or 7.” (Gesell)
  • “Keeping older children happily occupied, providing for them as rich and full a life as possible, reduces their need to attain emotional satisfaction by feeling and expressing jealousy of brothers and sisters, and especially of a new baby.”  (Gesell Institute)

Advantages to Being the Number Two Child  or more in a family  from author Nancy Samalin in her book “Loving Each One Best:  A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings”:

Parents are more experienced, less uptight

There are older siblings to teach you the ropes, be your playmate

Parents are less intense and can roll with the punches more

There is more activity and fun!

I personally truly believe that giving your child a sibling is the most wonderful gift you can ever give your child! Watch your family evolve with the addition of more children and, above all, have fun and LOVE each other!!

Candlemas Is Coming!

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Candlemas is on February 2 and celebrates the beginning of the lengthening of the days, and in some traditions is considered the beginning of spring.   It is my understanding that this day is also halfway between Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox.   This festival began in pre-Christian times as a Celebration of Lights and of the Celtic goddess Brigit (February 1st).  Candlemas  takes its name from the blessing of the candles on this day for use in the church throughout the coming year.  It is also a celebration within the church of the presentation of Jesus in the Temple to Simeon and the elderly widow Anna.   In the Catholic Church, I believe this is also celebrated as the Feast of Purification (of Mary).   This is now also a celebration of Saint Brigid and also a time where we look to the hibernating animals to come out and see if it is winter and whether or not we will have an early Spring.  This is also a traditional time of  preparation  of the fields for later planting. 

In the book “All Year Round” by Ann Druitt, Christine Fynes-Clinton and Marije Rowling it says, “At the beginning of February, when the infant light of spring is greeted thankfully by the hoary winter earth, it seems fitting that we should celebrate a candle Festival to remember that moment when the Light of the World was received into the Temple, when the old yielded to the new.”

For children under the age of 7, the celebration of the festivals is not in the verbal explanation of the day, but the doing.  An answer to a very small child’s question of  why we do this or that for many festivals is just that we do!  As a child approaches seven, there can be more explanation for the reasons behind things, but please do not spoil the magic and mystery of the festival by all the history.

Here are some ways that Waldorf families celebrate Candlemas:

One would be to think of goals and things you would like to see happen in this New Year together, in this time of new beginnings, as the earth becomes Spring again and do something to celebrate that.

Of course, the major activity is usually candle-making in some form – rolling candles, candle dipping, making earth candles outside in the ground and lighting them.  Some families have their candles blessed on this day.

Some families celebrate by tilling a garden plot for March planting.

You could  have dinner in candlelight.

Marsha Johnson over at waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com recommends making and eating fresh bread, vegetable soup or vegetable chowder and baked custards as your Candlemas meal.  Recipes can be found in the FILES section of her yahoo group.

We can also offer simply made stories and poems about our friends the bees and work with beeswax and honey in some way during this festival.

In the United States, this is also of course Groundhog Day and many families celebrate by going to a groundhog day event.

Some families tell stories about Brigid or read the picture book about Brigid and her cloak.  You can also search for Brigid’s crosses on-line and make those as a craft; they are very distinctive-looking.

Some families have a bonfire on this day.

These are just some suggestions I have read or heard through other families.  If you celebrate Candlemas in your family, please do leave a comment and tell everyone how you celebrate this day…Help someone new to this festival get started!