Category Archives: Family Life

Part Two of A Waldorf-Inspired View of Sleep

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“In consideration of healthy physical development, one cannot stress enough the need for long periods of rest and sleep for young children.  In fact, due to the increasing pace of life, more sleep is needed now than ever before to offset the physiologic strain on the young body.”

-“Toward Human Development:  The Physiological Basis of Sleep” by Lisa Gromicko, available through the Waldorf Early Childhood office.

Sleep deprivation affects everything, but some main salient points include the role of sleep deprivation in such disorders as ADHD, lowered immune function, the difficulty of the development of the lower senses of the 12 senses.

Naps are extremely beneficial, according to Gromicko’s article.  Morning naps have more REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and help with brain maturation.  This is the nap that tends to be dropped first.  The afternoon nap has more non-REM sleep, which is more important for physical restoration.  Again, according to this article naps should last at least 30 minutes, with an afternoon nap ending by 2:30 or 3 p.m. at the latest.  In Waldorf circles, children of ages 3-6 are still seen as needing a nap of 1-3 hours.  If a child is not napping, their bedtime should definitely be by 7 p.m.! 

The role of regulating sleep is seen as a the responsibility of the parent to help the child develop a rhythm gently and over time.  “The young child’s rhythmic (cardiovascular) system is  not yet developed, but the health and building up of the entire physiology depends upon rhythm.  Rhythm must be imprinted in the early years from without.  The child learns to sleep by having adults that understand the importance of sleep.  Sacrifices are usually necessary today to create a rhythmic lifestyle that allows for an unhurried pace.  This includes regulating when the child sleeps and awakens, mealtimes, when and how much to play, limiting stimulation, consistency, predictability – a slow, even tempo with rests at regular intervals.”  (Gromicko).

Okay, this is Carrie here.  I know what you are thinking – Carrie, I have this child that wakes up every 45 minutes when they come out of a sleep cycle; Carrie- I have this child that nurses every hour and a half at night, Carrie, I have this child that is teething and miserable.

I know, and I have been there.  I think one thing of paramount importance is to consider and rule out such things as gastroesophageal reflux, and other physical ailments that could be affecting sleep and deal with those first. If you read the article I linked to in the first part of this post, the Susan Johnson article, it is an anthroposophic view that perhaps the liver needs help in children with sleep issues.  Some of this can be addressed through a different rhythm, and some families I know have put great stock into working with a homeopath to address sleep problems with their children and have had great success.

After ruling out physical problems, then perhaps look at possible causes of over-stimulation. Is there a consistent rhythm where you are firmly entrenched in your home?  Or is it a barrage of running errands?  How much media exposure is there?  What are the general sensory impressions the child is receiving all day long – are they warm, positive, joyful impressions or ones of stress, negativity?  Are you trying to “hurry up your child to go to sleep?”

Someone asked me once what I do with older toddlers and younger preschoolers who “won’t go to bed”…..Always to consider is the amount of physical activity the child is getting during the day, and the rhythm of the outbreath and inbreath during the day.  If you put your whole house to bed, and really slow down at night, even if your child can’t fall asleep sometimes they will lie there and rest for a bit.  Sometimes I will give mine a basket of small wooden animals to line up while I do something repetitive and physical with my hands in a dimly-lit room (knitting, folding laundry, etc) until the child is sleepy.   It is always a consideration that the child is actually overtired and needs that time to unwind…

Sleep is such an important issue, especially in children under the age of 9, that I encourage you to look at this with your spouse or partner and devise the things that will work best for you all so everyone gets enough rest!

Blessings to you,

Carrie

A Waldorf-Inspired View of Sleep

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(Part Two of this article can be found here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

Also, if you run “sleep”  in the Search Engine box, many posts will come up – happy reading!) 

Whew!  Volumes and volumes have been written about sleep, co-sleeping, sleep and breastfeeding, trying to get an infant, toddler or preschooler to sleep, and the like. It can be so overwhelming!!  It can be especially overwhelming when you are sleep-deprived and trying to sift through all this “sleep help”, LOL!

Sleep and rest are cornerstones of Waldorf-inspired parenting and education.  Waldorf Education is the ONLY educational method that utilizes a rhythm of  teaching in conjunction with sleep in order to aid learning!

Today, we are going to peek at some of the physiologic and anthroposophic views of the foundation of sleep.  Hang in there with me and I will try to make what I have read and digested as plain as possible.  Donna Simmons of Christopherus also has an audio download in her bookshop on “Sleep”; I do not have it yet but have it on my list for upcoming purchase because I am just garnering lots of information regarding sleep and Waldorf education.  The link to the audio CD is here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/audio-downloads.html

Here is an article entitled, “The Importance of Sleep” by Susan Johnson, a MD with an anthroposophic perspective:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW4003.pdf.  There are also several other articles available regarding sleep through www.waldorflibrary.org if you just use “sleep” in the Search Engine Box.

There are several reasons why sleep and rest especially  in a child under the age of 7, (and  also in children  and adults of all ages!) are considered vitally important from an anthroposophic standpoint. 

1.  The years of birth through age 7 are seen as the foundation for the humanity of the child, for the unfolding of the soul, and especially for the basis of the ages of 35-42 in later life.

2.  The ability of the child to perform intellectual work in the grades is dependent upon the development of the well-developed lower senses of the 12 senses and also of the systems that Steiner termed the nerve-sense organs/brain/nervous system.  The only time the body has physical growth is during SLEEP.

3.  A young child is unified in body, soul and spirit and all sense impressions go right into the child without any ability on the part of the child to censor these impressions.  These impression form the physical body, and sleep is the way these impressions build up the physical body.

In anthroposophic thought, sleep is not only the place where the etheric body takes in these sense impressions and uses them within the physical body, it is the place where the etheric body itself is built up and renewed.  The primary organ to do this is the LIVER (see the link to the Susan Johnson article I listed above). 

The LIVER follows a very rhythmic pattern.  From the article, “Toward Human Development:  The Physiological Basis of Sleep,” author Lisa Gromicko writes:

“Carbohydrates are synthesized into sugars (glycogen), which are then  stored in the liver during its “night” assimilatory phase beginning at 3 p.m. and peaking at 3 a.m.  These stored sugars are converted to blood glucose during the daytime for the activities of consciousness beginning at 3 a.m., though the catabolic (breaking down) influence of the gall bladder in the liver until about 3 p.m.  Here, we can see the importance of going to sleep early:  6:30 to 8:00 p.m. for children and 9-10:00 p.m. for adults.  Staying up late causes the liver to reverse its storing-up activity intended for the next day and to instead begin converting glycogen to glucose for energy, thus we get a “second wind” (especially children).  This explains the worn-out feeling the next morning and the daylong physiologic struggle to keep up (Johnson).”

Rhythm is what supports the foundation of sleep, and a lack of sleep not only places a great stress upon the liver as noted, but also an anthroposophic viewpoint is that lack of rhythm also places stress on the heart and adrenal glands.  Gromicko writes, “The more sleep-deprived a child is, the more excitable he will be, and some children in this condition are constantly in various states of arousal.  The stress hormones produced in response to arousal tax the liver greatly.  Blood pressure, breath, and heart rate accelerate, as well as many other processes, which the heart as central to the rhythmic system must mediate.”

More to come in  a future post regarding naps, sleep, and rhythm!

Carrie

Sharpen Your Skills in Homemaking 101: Baking Bread

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We are going to embark on a series of posts discussing some ideas for the typical skills a Waldorf homeschooling mother needs for the Kindergarten years and beyond.  Many Waldorf schools and Waldorf homeschooling families have a baking day for their families within their weekly rhythms. 

A mother who does work and practical homemaking as a model for her children is very valuable indeed within a Waldorf framework.  From the framework of Waldorf Education, when the child sees the true work that the mother does and can imitate it in play, this strengthens the will of the child.  Doing the same (ACTIVE!) thing at the same time each week is also what strengthens the will.  We work through the will during the Early Years (under 7) as this is what helps to form the physical body for future physical health and lays down the foundation for the rest of the four body….

This post is  not meant to be an exhaustive bread-making tutorial, but a few thoughts regarding this important skill.

First of all, if you can eat wheat, there is something to consider about this much-maligned grain.  Wheat, according to Bread Beckers, is first among the grains for nutritional value including critical B-vitamins when freshly milled and eaten in its entirety, and also of Vitamin E when freshly milled. (You can grind your wheat in a grain mill or in the dry container of a Vita-Mix).    Wheat does have gluten in it, and gluten is the protein of the wheat that you develop by kneading, which then traps and holds the yeast and causes your dough to rise.  Wheat is about the only grain that can make soft, light bread.  Hard wheat has a higher gluten content than soft wheat.  Wheat varieties include hard wheat, soft wheat (red and white), spelt and kamut.  Durum wheat is a pasta-making wheat that semonlina flour comes from.  Grains that have no gluten in them at all can be used in recipes that do not call for yeast. 

Yeast is an important ingredient in bread-making.  It is a living organism that likes a warm, moist environment.  Most of the time I use the yeast in with the water or liquids the recipe calls for and about half the amount of flour to “cool off” the water temperature. It seems to work well for me.   Another factor to consider is that salt is a controller of yeast. 

Sweeteners for bread include honey which you can substitute one to one for any sugar called for in a recipe.  Some folks use Sucanat as well.   Other ingredients sometimes called for in bread recipes include milk, oil or butter or eggs, lecithin (which is from soybeans, so you may  not be able to use if you have soybean allergies in your family), gluten and flax seed.

Bread baking usually takes a bit of time, but well worth the results.  After you grind your wheat, try putting your liquids in a bowl, adding the salt and yeast and part of the flour.  Add the rest of the flour as needed; the dough will be soft when you turn it out onto a floured board.  Kneading times for dough vary; usually about 2 to 5 minutes does the trick.  Then the rising of the dough takes place, which is typically done in a warm place until doubled in size, punched down and shaped as desired.  If time allows, you can do a second rising and then shape the dough.  If you need to slow the rising process, you can also put the dough into the refrigerator overnight.

I feel sometimes making bread dough and shaping it into rolls is an easier place to start for novice bread-bakers.  If your bread dough is not done on the inside, you may need a longer cooking time at a lower temperature.

Bread baking is an excellent way to start a weekly rhythm within your home,

Carrie

A New Rant: This Just Out Today….

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(This post is more about COMPUTERS than TV, but at the bottom you can read a lot of comments about TV and how different families deal with TV and other screens. This post is written from a Waldorf perspective and the Waldorf perspective actually is NOT that TV or screens are “evil” or “forbidden”, but that there is a proper time and place for these screens in development of the child according to the development of the three and four fold bodies.  That is all!)

Okay, you all can agree or disagree, but here is my rant of the day:

From Nielsen Online:

“Kids from two to 11 years of age are spending 63 percent more time online than they did five years ago, says a report released Monday from Nielsen Online. Children in that age range were online an average of 11 hours in May 2009 versus just 7 hours in May 2004.

Over the past five years, the total number of kids surfing the Net has shot up 18 percent to 16 million, says the report, while the overall Internet population has risen only 10 percent. The younger set now represents 9.5 percent of the online community.”

This just saddens and sickens me.  Really, children age 2 have nothing else better to do than to sit in front of a screen??   Is it not enough that we are already fighting  the insane levels of television watching and corresponding obesity and lack of outside play time for our children?

Are our children truly happy and carefree these days?  Are they healthy?  I would say not.  I have talked with many, many pediatric health care professionals (because I am one!!)   ranging from pediatricians to naturopaths to chiropractors to mental health care professionals who are all saying the same things: kids today are stressed out, they are seeing mental and physical health problems in our children that were never seen before except in middle-aged or elderly people, that children today are anxious and by the teenaged years can be completely depressed, “jaded”, old ahead of their time.

Stop the madness now!

What do children need?  If you all have read any post on this blog you will know what I am about to say:

For Small Children Under the Age of 9:

Imitation and having parents doing something worthy to imitate!, warmth, protection of the 12 senses, outside time in nature, free play with open ended toys, less talking, singing and music and art, practical work around the house, parents who are warm and loving and kind but yet will set limits, a rhythm that does most of the limit setting for you for the under 7 crowd especially, repetition,  less choices, education that focuses on the whole body and all the senses and not just the head, education that focuses on lighting up the imagination and not just stuffing the head with facts, keeping children in their bodies, regular sleep and rest times each day, warming and healthy foods…

Whew!  Did I miss anything??

Television and computers are not needed at such an early age.  Children who start using computers at such an early age are not going to have any more of a technological advantage over a child starting a computer later…Why our educational system has gone to using computers in the classroom for the Early Grades and even Kindergarten and Preschool, I will never know!  Children need to be in their bodies, not with their eyes focused on a screen and their hands tied to a keyboard with rapidly moving images!

This boils down to Parents Feeling They Need Something To Do With Their Children.  And We Don’t Know What To Do, so Let’s Use A Screen.  Small children do not need a screen, they need your loving presence. Instead of popping in a video to get some cleaning done, involve your child in the cleaning.  It may take twice as long, but are you truly in a rush?  Why?  Slow down!  Children are not something you can take and stuff time for them in a day planner.  Children needs copious amounts of Quantity Time.  Unhurried, unrushed time.

Yes, they need your time, in your home, in a peaceful and warm and loving environment.  They need parents who can slow down, and make hard choices to slow down if this is possible.  If you are a single parents or struggling to make ends meet, you may not have a choice whether to stay home or work.  But you do have a choice how you structure the time with your child after work  it most likely should involve not more stimulation, but learning how to be home and be okay with being home…..

Enough ranting now,

Carrie

Parenting With Courage

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You can be the parent you want to be.  Choose happiness and peace; choose to be calm in the face of a small child who is upset.  Choose to be loving and gentle.  You will never go wrong by showing your child compassion and love while also having a heart for knowing what will lift your child up and help your child within the developmental stage in which they are living.

I have some general thoughts about parenting with this kind of courage.  And this kind of parenting does take courage!  Many parents today are rushing about, attempting to placate their lack of a family life with their children through a myriad of outside the home activities and a myriad of material goods.

As always, start with yourself.  Do you have integrity?  Are you honest?  Do you have time for your family and friends outside of your immediate family who need your listening ear or your help?  Do you show your child that you help people?  Are you patient? 

Do you have a plan for parenting?  What will your child be allowed to do at what ages?  When will your child get to go to a sleepover, to see a movie, to get their ears pierced, to go on a date?   What tasks do you expect your child to do as part of the care of the household?   What things in your family are rites of passage?  Do you have a plan that encompasses an understanding of where a three or four year old is developmentally as opposed to a ten or eleven year old? 

Do you have warm and loving feelings toward your family, toward having children and raising children or do you feel trapped and isolated?  If so, how could you change that?  How could you radiate a positive attitude about mothering and about life?  Your children are watching  you and imitating your attitude!

Look at your home – is it peaceful?  Summer is here, and there are  still many weeks now before school starts (Waldorf homeschoolers at least take the summer off!)  You could really go through and organize and deep clean one room a week until school starts……Have the decluttered environment in your home you have always dreamed of!  You could also go through and put one small thing of beauty in each room – perhaps a small crystal, a flower in a small bud vase or something special to your heart.  You don’t need a lot of financial means to clear things out and put a few flowers around!  Remember, Waldorf is not about the wooden toys per say, but about understanding the essence of the developmental stages. 

Look at your children – are they happy, healthy and thriving?  What do they need to be in that place besides you centering yourself?  One area that I think helps besides just a lot of love and listening and compassion  is to give children work to do. 

If your child is three to six years of age, you may have to be right with them and holding the space, but I bet they can dress themselves with you watching, brush their teeth and floss their teeth with your help, brush their hair with your help, make their own bed with you on one side and them on the other, put plates and cups and bowls by the sink, help fold laundry and put it away, bring clothes to the laundry room for washing, dust, scrub the toilet, sweep, water plants at first with supervision and then by themselves and lots of other things!  One would never expect a three-year-old to just run off and do these things, but start building it into your rhythm.  We get up, we go the bathroom, we eat breakfast and get dressed or however you do it in your home – if it is part of the rhythm and you are there to do it first, to guide, to be there for them to imitate, it will become habit.

For seven to twelve year olds, your child could clean their rooms with help at first, doing it with you holding the space and then doing it on their own, they could wash dishes, load and unload a dishwasher, cook simple meals, and a myriad of other things. 

My almost eight year old asked my husband the other day if she would ever get a cell phone like Daddy and Mommy have.  My husband looked at her and said, “Yes, honey, when you can work and pay for the phone.”  Now, we don’t have as much need for a child to have a cell phone as we are not separated from our children due to school or at  other activities where we are not present in some form, but I still thought that was a great answer!  Teens can definitely work and pay for things – cell phones, car insurance, gasoline they use in the car and other things.  The teenaged years are practice for life, for managing money, for decision making, for understanding and yes,even experiencing the consequences of decisions.  It sounds difficult for a mother’s soul to hear when she has little ones, but it is the natural course of life. 

Summer is a great time to map out a plan to deal with whatever challenges your family is facing right now.  Be that positive light to uplift and embrace your child!

Until next time,

Carrie

“The Brain Trust”

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Not too long ago, my husband took me aside and talked to me about my life.  He essentially said there were several friendships and organizations he noted I was nurturing, but he could tell the effort I was putting forth was not being met equally from the other side.  (Has anyone out there ever had that experience?)  He explained to me that he would love to see my cultivate some friendships that were especially supportive to me and nourishing to me.  He asked me, “Who in your circle of friends truly nourishes you when you spend time with them? Have you seen any of them lately?”

Well, I sat down and made a list and then I picked three ladies off my list whom I don’t get to see as much as I used to, and I picked up the phone and called them.  We all agreed to meet for dinner at a local restaurant without our children for  true night out to nurture ourselves as women and as friends.

What a delightful and illuminating evening!  What wonderful, frank conversation we had as we discussed our lives and held council together.  Three wonderful souls surrounded me that night, and I hold them as my “brain trust” – the women with whom I can speak with and garner support from.

How much time are you spending on friendships or organizations or on things that are just not nurturing your soul?  Or, conversely, do you have any close friends whom you can really talk to?  I think every woman really needs that. 

My husband is my best friend, but he often reminds me men can be true problem solvers and not always as patient regarding the “venting” of life that another woman can provide.  Other women can give us strength and wisdom as we travel this path.

I urge you to connect with your close friends and value your relationship,

Carrie

Celebrating Summer With Small Children: A Waldorf Perspective

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PART ONE:  A PERSPECTIVE FOR PARENTS

The summer months are a time of natural, radiant light and outward expansiveness.  We are fully drawn out of ourselves and into nature and into basking under King Sun!  Yet, at the same time, Midsummer’s Day (also known as St. John’s Day or St. John’s Tide Day) marks the day where the light and darkness are equal and the hours of light actually become shorter each day as the world heads toward fall.  In this respect, we are called to make an inward inspection of ourselves and perhaps prepare ourselves anew with newly-found strength for the longer, darker days ahead.

Since in Waldorf parenting we start with the adults in the family as models for the children to imitate, I suggest as a meditative focus this summer for mothers to contemplate the phrase “mindful parenting”. 

What does mindful parenting mean to you personally?  To me, it means that I am in control of myself and my actions in front of my children, that I consider their feelings along with their needs, that I show my children empathy for their feelings, that I bring joy and laughter and warmth to my parenting.  To be a mindful parent, I must consider the “bigger picture” of parenting – where my children are developmentally, where they have been, where they are going, what their temperaments are and who they are as beautiful individuals and how we all work together in one family.  I must also consider my own “cup” – is it full, how do I get it full within the context of parenting?  I can be a beacon of light and love for my children when I am centered and calm and peaceful.

Even if you are in a parenting stage that perhaps you are not particularly enjoying, perhaps here is a Waldorf parenting view you can take and use:  the notion that there really are no difficult children, although  there can be difficult behaviors that children show us.  When we break things down into a behavior and NOT the child, it opens a gateway so we can look at that behavior. Why is this behavior triggering me as a parent so?  What do I need in this moment to be more fulfilled and peaceful that is separate from what my child is doing? Is this an issue of safety?  Or is it an issue that just bothers me but I could gently direct it?  Most of all, can I be warm and loving and caring even if I have to set a limit?  

Waldorf parenting in the Early Years focuses on creating love and warmth in the home; a feeling of joy and laughter and humor; a sense of gratitude and wonder for the children; imitation and less words; the physical environment being orderly; meaningful adult work; creative play; protection for the senses of the child.  How are these things shaping up in your household this summer?

These are the kinds of inward questions that shape my days of parenting, and the kinds of inward contemplation I do in my own parenting as we draw closer to St. John’s Day (Midsummer’s Day).

PART TWO:  CELEBRATING SUMMER WITH YOUR CHILDREN

On the lighter side of celebrating the summer, here are a few suggestions that may assist you in having a peaceful, happy and safe season:

· I recommend that parents look at holding some kind of rhythm over the summer that includes time during the day for inward activities as a balance to all the out-breath of activities.  These activities could include such things as keeping a time to tell a story each day; puppetry of beautiful tales; modeling with sand; creating little books out of watercolor- painted background paper with moving figures on craft sticks.  Having daily rest times after lunch out of the reach of the sun is also a necessity for each day, as is an early bedtime to recharge for the next day!

· The outward expansiveness of this time draws the children into nature and providing time for water play through use of walnut shell boats in a tub, play at the beach in the sand and the surf or at the lake is so important.  During these times, we must as parents be vigilant to protect our children’s safety around the water and also the children’s senses – warmth is still important in even in the summer as many children cannot feel how cold they are getting in the water and insist they are fine even if their lips are blue and their teeth are chattering!  Small children should still be wearing a sun bonnet as opposed to going bald-headed to also foster that sense of warmth and protection from the rays of King Sun.

· Another area to consider besides water play is the natural playscape of the garden and the berry patch. Picking berries, canning or freezing them and having the children help you in the kitchen to create delicious cobblers and pies are memorable experiences that can occur every year and build a rhythmic quality into your summer activities as a family.

· Gardening and including children within the garden spaces by planting sunflower houses, making houses with cloths over bushes or small trees and providing general spots for the children to be hidden away from the world and meld into the flowers are wonderful opportunities to connect with nature. Do you have these spaces available for your children’s play?

· Planting specific types of flowers to attract butterflies, bees and birds is a wonderful way to foster a close connection to the animal and plant world.  Small children under the age of 7 do not need to know all the names of the plants or birds, but they will remember what animals they see and the insect friends they find in the garden!    Hard, real work in the garden with your two hands and having equipment available for your children to assist you fulfills a quality in the young child of seeing real work being performed and later these gestures may come out in the child’s play.  Digging for worms and grubs while you garden is part of the fun for the small child, as is running in a sprinkler afterwards!

· As mentioned briefly above, this may also be a wonderful time to enliven your play areas both outside and inside. What areas do you have available in your yard for digging, creating sunflower houses or blanket forts? What areas do you have inside for creating art or other types of projects? If you sit down and create things yourself, you will suddenly have an audience that wants to create along with you!

· Creating a beautiful Nature Table where you can celebrate the “finds” of the summer is another traditional passage to mark the changing of the Seasons.  The Nature Table at this time may focus on the colors of King Sun himself, those colors of yellow, red, and orange fire! Shells, flowers you find blooming outside, a bowl of fruit could all be added to your Nature Table. Representations of a few summer creatures such as bees, snails or other animals in your area could also be added. You can make certain the mineral,plant, animal and human realms are represented in your Nature Table and add to it bit by bit over the summer months.

However, most of all, the summer can be a time to spend a quantity of time with your precious small children, to love and nurture them!

Have a wonderful summer,

Carrie

Weaning A Child Who Is Over the Age of 4

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This is another hard post to write as people feel so vehemently one way or the other about this subject. However, I am writing it because there is so little information available about this that applies to breastfeeding mothers nursing an “older child”  in an industrial society in our time, even though we know the “biological” age of weaning is two and a half to seven years of age.    Much of the work regarding nursing a child over the age of four looks at either non-Westernized societies (like I found a study on four-year-olds in Bangladesh who were nursing 8 to 9 times a day, many of whom  were assumed to be nursing due to being nutritionally stressed) or the work is more from an anthropological perspective, such as boys in royalty were nursed longer.

I am nursing my youngest, a  four and a half year old one to three or four  times a day right now.  My oldest child  nursed until she was a little over three years of age, weaned when I was on bed rest with  my second pregnancy, came back to the breast eight months later (and tried to remember how to nurse, LOL)  and attempted to nurse on and off until she was about four and three quarters.   Contrary to many people feeling uncomfortable about nursing a child over the age of 4, I don’t feel uncomfortable or badly about it.

I have many friends who have weaned children somewhere between the ages of 4 and 7.  People ask about child-led weaning; I have seen some children “wean  themselves” but the relationship there seemed to me to  always be a dance between mother and child with limits typically being set by the mother from an earlier age onward.  Many of the children who nurse frequently at the age of three or  three and a half seem to go on to nurse longer than those who are not nursing frequently at three and a half. 

I have one friend who wryly observes that her middle child, “was just sort of my experiment.  I set no limits on nursing at all, and he nursed until he was 7.”  (And this is a very structured, organized, limit-setting kind of woman!)    I have another friend who says that she feels most children after the age of 4 need some gentle assistance in weaning, and she feels there is no true “child-led” weaning unless you really do want to take that avid three and a half year old nursling and nurse them until they are 7 – and not everyone is comfortable with that.  There are older children over the age of three who do abruptly wean due to pregnancy or birth of a new sibling, but I have heard of these cases much less often than one would imagine.  However, these are not observations from a medical, scientific study – just what I have observed in my over ten years of working with breastfeeding mothers in lay groups and lactation settings.

Breastfeeding is a relationship between two people, and as such both parties deserve to have dignity and respect, especially the child.  The child may have high needs to be met, and some children have intense physiological sucking needs into the fourth year.  I am sure we can all remember children who sucked their thumbs until they were much older than four or five!  Some children have physiologic disease processes and truly need the antibodies that human milk provides.   The need for mother’s physical presence, for connection and the feeling of unconditional love and acceptance that comes from being at the breast is always there, always remains,  in these early years before adolescence.   The question becomes how comfortable one is using the breast to provide sucking, connection or closeness,  or  even antibodies,  as the child grows and matures. 

The question becomes how you feel in your heart.  Some mothers give a lot of “talk” to their child regarding weaning, “becoming a big boy or girl”, but truly feel conflicted in their heart.  They feel weaning is hard for the child, and they are not sure how to proceed without hurting the child or the child’s feelings, and they wonder how the relationship between themselves and the child will look once weaning is completed.  The mother and child have to find their relationship without that component of close connection, and this can feel challenging to both the mother and the child.

Instead of making this a time of conflict and ambivalence, I suggest several things:

1. Search your heart and see if you can see weaning as a process of opening the world to your child, of not “taking away” this precious relationship, but part of growing up, of expanding horizons.

2.  Do you love your child unconditionally at times other than when they are at the breast?  Does your love and warmth and respect for this child come forth?  If not, nursing may be how they are searching to fill this – that close and loving connection that occurs at the breast.  If you do want to wean, concentrate on your own positive thoughts toward your child and your relationship with that child first. 

3.  Search your heart and KNOW that your child (and you!) are going to be okay!  Find the positive ways your child can relax, go to sleep, handle the normal tensional outlets of each developmental stage and capitalize on that. 

4.  Work on discovering your child’s “love languages”.  If your child’s love language is “physical touch”, make sure you are filling their love tank with lots of physical touch at times other than nursing times.  If your child’s love tank is filled with “quality time”, do make sure you are providing lots of quality time to your child when you are not nursing.

5.  Have distractions ready for when the phone rings and that sort of thing.. ..I know many four-year-olds who still would like to nurse when mother is on the phone!

6. Look at your daily schedule and see how your child does with nursing when you are busy (some nurse less naturally then, but some nurse more because then they feel over-stimulated) versus when you are at home all the time (again, some children nurse less and some nurse more).

7.  If you are not comfortable nursing your child much past the age of 4 or 5, and your child is an avid nurser….  ….then it probably will be up to you to help your child cut down the number of nursings a day.  You have to be comfortable with this idea, and if you are not and want a truly child-led weaning, you may have to nurse until 5 or 6.    With some children the more you talk about weaning and cutting down number of nursings a day, the more anxious they become.  Many of the mothers I know had better success in just structuring their day so they were busy, daddy took over bedtimes in some cases, and other things that gradually and naturally  cut nursing down without a lot of explanation other than peacefully saying, “We can nurse at “X” time.  I am happy to (hold you now, get you a drink, get you something to eat, to play a game with you, to go to the pool, etc.) right now.”

8. Again, if you are ready to have the nursing relationship come down in intensity and you are helping your child grow, there may be some tears if the child is four and five and used to a certain rhythmical pattern of nursing to sleep or whathave you.  Again, this is where you must search your heart, see what you are comfortable with, feel okay that you truly are uplifting your child to the next level, that your child is growing up and it is going to be okay.  If you cannot believe this in your heart, then neither you nor your child is ready to wean. 

9. Some families do have a weaning party or provide a special weaning necklace or out to lunch to celebrate weaning.  Again, some children need help with moving on and need you to either decide it is okay to nurse until age 7 or they need you to be kind but not crumple. They may need you to  say after a weaning party or weaning lunch something to the effect of, “Nursing you was so special to me as well.  Today Daddy is going to take your little sister so you and I can do “X” together.”

10.  Work hard to examine how you feel about the joy of mothering.  If in your heart you feel enraptured with being home, with mothering, if you delight in your children, they are going to also feel joyful, happy, peaceful even without nursing and as nursing transitions and fades away.

If you continue to nurse your older child, be happy about it, be proud about it and know that when they are developmentally ready they will be done.  Whether or not “true” child-led weaning works for your family or not, whether you decide your child may need your help , cannot be decided by anyone but you and in your own observations of your child.  You can still respect your child and your child’s dignity whatever path you choose.  The path for the older child is not as clear as the path when nursing a small two or three year old, and that is okay, that is part of parenting.

Be comfortable with yourself and what your family needs from you, from the times when you do need to take the lead and the times when you need to surrender yourself.  That is the walk we walk in parenting a child that is a bit older.    But most of all, get clear in your own heart and decide.  That is what makes for a joyful family!

Love,

Carrie

A Breastfeeding Fact Every Parent Should Know

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I am reviewing Hale and Hartmann’s “Textbook of Human Lactation” for an upcoming exam and LOOK at this:

“Lactation probably evolved initially to protect the young against infection and subsequently took on a nutritional role.  However, infant formula is focused on nutrition rather than protection.  Therefore, it is not surprising that the mortality rate of formula-fed infants in the USA today is at least 21% higher than breastfed babies.”

Wow, did you all know that?

Carrie

The Simplicity of Parenting

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Sometimes I wonder why we make parenting so hard on ourselves.  Seriously!    Do the indigenous tribes of the world  sit around and read a million books on breastfeeding, and then co-sleeping and then how to parent and how to be gentle and educational methods and how to raise productive citizens?  No, of course not. They have each other, they have traditional ways of doing things, they have elders who help, they have huge close communities.

Our problem is that we have lost our way in our society and we are  re-creating the parenting wheel ourselves, bit by bit, in our own homes.   The wonderful book “The Spiritual Tasks of the Homemaker” by Manfred Schmidt-Brabant is precisely about this subject.   We have lost so much of the intrinsic, the from the heart parenting, that sometimes we wonder if we will ever see it again.  And in the meantime, our children look to us to lead and to guide and to love and to cherish them.

Here are some rules of simplicity in parenting that really struck me tonight:

Love your child. Hold your child, tell them you love them, breastfeed them, sleep with them, be close to them.  Look at the world from their eyes, but do not assume they feel about things as you do or understand the things you understand – they are not a miniature extension of you, they have not had your experience, they have a different consciousness!  Respect them, and also respect them enough to know when they need you and your gentle help to guide them.

Enjoy life and be confident in your life!  Enjoy your children. Don’t you think they know when in your heart you feel irritable, trapped, resentful, wondering where your life is?  If you cannot enjoy this life that you were given, please, please, help yourself out.  Discuss your feelings with your spouse and with your extended family, find a friend to talk to, find a mother’s helper for  a few hours each day, talk to a counselor, go see a doctor to rule out any physical causes of depression, create a community for yourself.   Your children deserve a whole human being, a whole beautiful and wonderful and wise woman to take care of them!

Re-frame your own attitude. Parenting should not be the end of your life; parenting is just the beginning!  Find things for you that you need to do to be that whole person, work with your spouse or a friend to make it happen, but also realize this is BIGGER than just you; this is not all about you; it is about these wonderful spiritual beings that decided to come and be with you and be a part of your family!  Family is a bigger and more beautiful thing than you alone!

Know that you set the tone in your home.  Men do things differently than women, they parent differently; so why nag?  Where and what does nagging get you?  Model and set the tone.  Healthy eating, healthy sleeping, healthy communication, rest, peacefulness, fun together, joy, being outside:  the keys to a healthy life no matter what your age!

Find the positive.  Find the positive intent.  Instead of assuming the worst of your children, your spouse, the friends you thought you had, assume something positive.  Assume the people who love you want to help you, that they do support you and understand you. Cut those people some slack; we are not perfect beings in this perfect world!    Maintain some of a feeling of joy and innocence regarding your world, it is possible!  Look at the possible  needs behind your child’s behavior and don’t discuss it with them, for heaven’s sake, but use it to help  guide your child!  Uplift your child, move and dance with them and love them  to where they are supposed to be in life and who they are unfolding to be!

Love your children, love yourself and love each other.  Simplicity in parenting!

Blessings to you all,

Carrie