Category Archives: Family Life

Out Of The Frying Pan

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….and into the fire I leap.  You can see my controversial opinion of the RIE movement that is making inroads into Waldorf Early Care here :  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2010/03/review-a-warm-and-gentle-welcome-a-wecan-publication.html

For those of you who have not heard of this movement, here is the beginning part of the review I wrote that explains what is happening:

A Review: “A Warm and Gentle Welcome: Nurturing Children from Birth to Age Three”

“This is the Gateways Series Five book which consists of a series of articles compiled from the work of the Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North America RIE/Pikler Working Group. I bought this book because I am a Waldorf homeschooling mother with an extreme interest in the Early Years. Also, as a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist, I really wanted to understand more about the RIE/Pikler approach that is seems to be becoming part of the world of Waldorf for children from birth to age three.

Unfortunately, I found I had more questions than answers after reading this book than when I started.

The underlying assumption of this book is laid out in an article of Introduction by Trice Atchinson and Margaret Ris: that there is a growing conviction within the Waldorf movement to “respond to the needs of the times” (ie, child care for younger and younger children) and because Rudolf Steiner’s indications for working with children and adolescents in Waldorf schools had been put to practical use for many decades, little existed on how best to meet the needs of children at the very beginning of life – particularly in light of societal trends such as daycare, single parenting, dual working families and the isolation of at-home mothers.” Therefore, a working group associated with WECAN began to investigate Resources for Infant Educarers, or RIE, founded by Magda Gerber, as a resource for the child at the beginning of life.”

To read the whole review I wrote, please see the link above.  I have grave and serious concerns about this approach, which my review details.

For those of you looking at Waldorf early, early care (for birth to age three), please do a bit of research regarding this issue and see how you feel about it; really talk to the provider and see what approach they use within their care.  This way you can make the best decision for your family.

Blessings,

Carrie

Holy Week and Easter In The Waldorf Home

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I have some ideas about this to share as I have been reading “Festivals With Children” by Brigitte Barz.  Some people really hate this book!  The tone of it is rather authoritarian, but it was first published in German and I think part of it may be the way it was translated.  It is very true in keeping to what one would think of for the under-9 child versus the over-9 child.  I  found this book for $1.46 on Amazon used, so I think it was well worth that price!

The author’s suggestions for Lent (yes, a bit more about Lent) include a nature table with an empty bowl on it, perhaps some branch that just has buds on it (but I gather to keep switching it out before it blooms :)) and the use of a Celtic cross or such if you would like that as a symbol (but none of Jesus hanging on the cross for the under-9 children).  The author feels it is not appropriate to include a representation of Christ the man on the cross  and writes,

“Great restraint is required when introducing children to Passiontide and Holy Week.  Younger children under the age of nine are not ready yet to take any conscious part in them.  …..The self-knowledge which belongs to Passiontide and which adults go through at this time of year as an inner experience of suffering is simply not appropriate for children.  Conscious immersion into the depths of Christ’s suffering unto death should not be initiated before the time of preparation for Confirmation (age 14).”

Instead, we can approach this time through fairy tales with their stories of transformation, redemption after suffering or death.  The author mentions The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids (I would say depends on your child and their temperament as well as the age of your child for this one, possibly age 6 or 7) , Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, The Donkey, King Thrushbeard (I would say ages 7 and 8).  My  five-year-old and I are currently doing “Budulinek”.  There is a version of this tale available on www.mainlesson.com

For Holy Week, perhaps the best-known Waldorf tradition is to fill the empty dish on the Nature Table (or some families keep dirt or ashes in the dish) with dirt and sow seeds of grass or summer wheat on Palm Sunday.  We can also bake a shaped and braided Easter bread for Easter morning.

Here are some more traditions:

Palm Sunday – make a paper cockerel to hang above the table for Palm Sunday.  In some parts of Europe, there are processions where the children carry crosses or wooden circles, decorated with bread figures, especially the cockerel.

The cockerel is a natural symbol to herald this coming of Christ, the beginning of the new covenant.

Some families start lighting that unlit candle that has sat on their Nature Table today.  This is also the day to sow your grass seed as mentioned above!

Maundy Thursday – Traditions include the washing of each other’s feet and the eating of green foods.  Chervil soup is traditional fare, along with bread and water for a very simple meal on a white cloth.

Good Friday – this is the day to make Hot Cross Buns.  It is also a day to plant seeds such as marigolds, sunflowers, nasturiums into beds – the seeds are buried but rise to new life.  This really speaks to an under-9 aged child!

Holy Saturday – a day of quiet, a day of waiting.  One can line and decorate Easter baskets, mix the dough for Easter bread (one of those braided breads with pockets is nice!)  or make a nest for the Easter Hare (not the Easter Bunny!  Rabbits and hares have very different characteristics!)  In secret, make a few butterflies to hang over the dining room table for Easter morning!

For Easter traditions and the forty days of Easter, please see tomorrow’s post!

Blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful March: Small Children and Sleep

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Here are a few more thoughts about small children and sleep:

If you have a child who never has slept well, and medical causes such as silent reflux and unaddressed food allergies have been ruled out, please do try to be calm.  This child has a hard time going to sleep, an inability to sleep as it is.  I know it is hard, I know it is challenging.  But if this were you, you would want to be treated with kindness, and with respect.

After that,  we do need to recognize that there are certain things that go with certain ages regarding sleep.  For example:

  • Ages two to five are times typical of nightmares (and even sleep terrors or  sleepwalking!)
  • At age two, there are many requests for water, for this, for that.  Try to anticipate what your child will need and want.  They may want a glass of water at night.  Try to keep the bedtime routine short and simple.
  • At age two- and- a-half, this is an age of ritual and tradition. They would like the same routine each night.  Try to keep the routine as simple as possible and be patient because this ritualistic approach to bedtime really is just a phase. 
  • To me, age four is about the time children sleep through the night really well, (many sources say sleep is much improved between ages three to four) unless they are still not dry at night and the wetness wakes them up.

Things to keep in mind for all ages:

  • Darkness and nighttime separation can be very scary to small children; please keep their needs in  mind!
  • Getting a child to “go to sleep” can be harder around the ages of 6 and 9 for developmental reasons.
  • Please realize changes in development, illness, stress, anxiety, travel, change in life events can really throw off sleeping
  • Magnesium, found in leafy green vegetables, is important for sleep.
  • Please avoid rough- housing before sleep
  • Does your child get up at the same time every day?  Does your child go to bed around the same time every day?  Most sleep sources seem to cite this rhythm as being important for setting the biological clock.
  • How much media does your child watch?  Many parents have told me their child slept much better after they cut screens out of their small children’s lives.
  • How much outside time is this child getting?
  • Do you also dim the lights and put your house to sleep as well at bedtime?  This can be very effective with small children
  • Do you have a short, simple routine leading up to sleep?  Do you have that special (calm, gentle, quiet) voice for telling stories before bed or reading a story before bed?  And please consider a one-book or chapter rule and if that would improve things for your child or not.  It might!  I think this goes along with simplifying the bedtime routine!

Peaceful nights,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part Two)

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AN URGENT NEED FOR SLEEP: 

What if sleep for the family is really an emergency situation though?  There can be a darker side to all of this  if a mother is truly sleep deprived! 

I just have to say a brief word about  letting a baby “cry-it-out.”    First of all, there are  NO scientific studies that back up “crying it out”.  I have a wonderful article written by Macall Gordon that was published in Attachment Parenting International’s newsletter some years ago called, “The Dark Side of Sleeping Through the Night:  Four Big Reasons Why Crying-It-Out Doesn’t Make Sense.” This article is really fabulous, but I could not find it on-line at all, maybe someone else will be able to locate this article and post the link in the comment box.  At any rate, the first reason in this article is that “crying-it-out” is that it is  not supported by research at all.  In fact, as a pediatric physical therapist, I know that crying causes immune function to go down and cortisol (a stress hormone) to rise.  Why doesn’t anyone bother to  mention that in connection with “crying-it-out”?  The other issue I have with this, this time with my IBCLC hat on, is that mothers are biologically programmed through hormones and  through lactation to pick their babies up!  Why doesn’t anyone talk about that and the biological impulses we try to make mothers override by not validating their own biology?   From an attachment stand-point, and for future psychological health, for the future of the entire process of discipline and guiding child,  the entire first year is about an infant building up trust in a caregiver.   How does “crying-it-out” not harm this?   There are a multitude of other reasons that “crying-it-out” is just plain harmful! 

People who talk about an infant “playing you” or “manipulating you” at an early age over sleep have absolutely NO understanding of the biological or emotional  development of the child.  It is unfortunate. 

If you need someone to talk to, vent to, or ask about realistic sleep expectations,  please, please pick up the phone and call your local La Leche League Leader or Attachment Parenting Leader.  La Leche League even has a hotline now!  Call and talk to someone!

If you have an urgent need for sleep, the families I have worked with in the past have treated this as REAL.  It is urgent, it is as real as being sick!   We cannot be the mother we want to be when we are completely sleep-deprived!   Vacation time may need to be used so one can sleep and have another person at home to care for the infant.  A family member may need to come visit, or friends may need to come and help.  Our society can be such a disconnected one, and it can be so challenging to reach out to people and ask for help.  Yet, people are typically so willing to help. Other mothers have been there, and  they really do understand!

Make a plan for how you can figure this out.  Can  you sleep when the infant does?  What are doing that is more important than sleep?  Can someone help you with your other children so you can take your infant to bed and rest?  Can you all lay down together and rest?  Can you strip a room of dangerous-to-toddler items, lock the door with all of you in this room and rest? 

What can you do to help your child enter sleep more easily and rhythmically?  The first post in this two-part series had some suggestions for babies who really don’t sleep well, but I suppose the suggestions could be useful for anyone.

Children need a rhythm leading up to sleep or rest to help them wind-down.  How you do this in your family is up to you.  Some families have used a warm, calm bath.  Some have used reading books in that special nighttime/resting reading voice (which is different than the dramatic daytime voice!!).  Some families have used rocking, nursing, massage, foot massages, holding as parts of the bedtime routine.  How about singing lullabies?

Infants and children DO need to be parented to sleep.  Even an eight year old or nine year old likes being read to or to have a conversation before they go to sleep!  So, how you parent your child to sleep in your family is up to you as you are the expert on your own family!  All I would say is that if you are waiting to the point where your children fight through the bedtime routine or are completely wound-up, you may be starting too late.  Try earlier and see if that makes a difference.  

People ask me about co-sleeping and when their child will go into their own bed/sleeping surface. …. I remember one especially sweet nurse (an adult, obviously!)  I worked with and we were talking about this subject years ago and she said, “You know what?  When I go home and visit my mamma, I LOVE to jump into her bed.  It smells like her, and I miss seeing her!”  I loved that, the association of comfort and wanting to be near our mothers, even when we are adults.  I have seen some children take happily to their own bedrooms around two and a half or three and I have seen others do it more around the seven-year-change…Some children will still want to co-sleep when they have a nightmare, when they are getting teeth, when they don’t feel well, on special nights when they are so excited for the next day.  Warmth and love at its finest!

FROM A WALDORF POINT OF VIEW:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/13/a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

People ask me about sleep from an anthroposophic point of view, and the above posts are a great place to start.  The one thing I would like to add is that from an anthroposophic viewpoint, the small child is developing a relationship to time.  Modern medical studies confirm this in many regards; some studies I have read state that it can take up to 40 weeks in order to for an infant to have days/nights straightened out well.

Please do think of rhythm and routines leading up to nap/rest times and bedtimes as your friend.  I think it is important to guide our children in this regard, and to just not wait until they fall over from sheer exhaustion after they have been completely wound up!

All food for thought; as usual take what resonates with you for you and your family!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part One)

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I have had three local mothers in my over twelve years of parenting counseling who had babies under the age of six months who truly did not sleep.  It was very difficult.   All three cases were very active little girl babies who had a difficult time gaining weight, and once they became mobile older babies/toddlers they were so active that no one other than the mother could seem to watch the baby without the child ending up on the top of refrigerator,etc.  They were also toddler  masters of getting through baby locks and other child-proofing devices.  Whew!

I would like to go over a few points regarding sleep for these types of babies and then children in general. 

For babies under the age of 6 months who “don’t sleep”:

1.  Realistic expectations are key.  Know that there will be times they don’t sleep well due to teething and other developmental stages.  Also, how many hours a day are you expecting them to sleep?  Babies need time to be outside, time to play on the floor as well as the older babies.  They can also be a passive witness to what you are doing from the viewpoint of a sling.  Some babies also sleep very well in a sling.

I am sure many of you have seen “the sleep table” in “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” – there are things in this book that I vehemently disagree with, but I like the sleep table 🙂  It details the number of hours each day infants of different ages sleep, how many naps a day of different ages take and how long those typical naps are.  For example:  a six-month old is typically taking two naps a day for a total of 3-4 hours and sleeping 10-11 hours at night for a total of 14-15 hours whereas a 2 year old is typically taking one nap a day for one to two hours and sleeping around 12 hours at night for a total of 11 hours of sleep. 

2.  Biologically, we do not want babies to enter a deep sleep and “sleep soundly” though the night at an early age because 1.  this decreases calories for most breastfeeding babies;  studies have shown even babies at 10 months can receive up to 25 percent of their calories at night if mothers will still nurse their babies at night.  2.  not breastfeeding at night increases the chance of you getting your menstrual cycle back at night and takes away natural child spacing and  3.  the rate of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is highest between 2 to 5 months, so we don’t want deep sleeping then.  We want arousal out of sleep here and there to keep our babies breathing.

Please see these back posts regarding sleep and co-sleeping:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/25/the-early-bedtime/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/18/peaceful-bedtime-dreams/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/

3.  For a baby under 6 months who is not sleeping well, but in a developmental plateau, not getting sick, and not teething, please check yourself. How anxious are you about them not sleeping?  Babies pick up on your anxiety! 

4.  Check warmth.  I find babies who are like this, and who are not gaining weight well,  are often actually  cold.  Check these back posts on warmth:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/06/warmth-strength-and-freedom-by-mary-kelly-sutton/

5. Check for food allergies and sensitivities, reflux and colic.  There have been some studies showing a positive resolution of colic with care from a qualified pediatric chiropractor; this may be worth a try.  For reflux, try www.pager.org

6.  As these children grow, I think it is VERY, very important to institute quiet activities with active ones, and yes, periods of rest.  We have had several posts in the past regarding “quiet time” that were hot debate.  You can see those here:      and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/23/more-about-quiet-time/

Some of these children, particularly when small, will not just go and lay down at a rest time.  But it is worth it to all lay down together, to read a book or light a candle and snuggle together for storytelling.  That break is important. 

It is also important to note, I think, that these children NEED time in nature.  That may be only time they actually slow down and get involved in digging in the dirt or other really rhythmical activity that really transports them to a quieter place.

In the next part of this, we will look at what to do when sleep for the whole family is an urgent need, and also a Waldorf view of sleep!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful March!

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Have I got a treat for you this month, and I am so excited to write these series and bring it to you all!  I was thinking about this month, the month of March, the month of Lent and the month of St. Patrick and it really led me to meditate on peace and  what peace means within the context of homemaking, parenting and creating a family culture.

What does it mean to have a peaceful home?  Is it the absence of conflict?  Actually, for me, it is not the absence of conflict.  I do not count it as a good day when there is no temper tantrum, no yelling, no fighting per se (of course that is nice when those days happen!)  But I guess what I am saying is that for me, peace is the ability to maintain my center whilst these things are happening.  Does that resonate with anyone out there? 

I got this cute email from a mother who said something to the effect that I seemed calm and centered and asked how she could attain that.  I chuckled, because I remember when my oldest was two and a half (and also heading into those three’s!) and I didn’t feel calm or centered.  I remember being unsure of how to handle two children.  I remember all those feelings, and  I remember feeling as if I had very little support.  That is why I started to write this blog because now I am at the point where I feel I do have something to give back. I have figured out some things and for the most part, I feel  do feel centered and calm, at least with the parenting part.    This doesn’t mean yelling never happens, anger never happens, or I never feel as if there isn’t enough of me to go around.  It doesn’t mean I don’t worry about my children, or sometimes wonder if the job I am doing is “enough”.  But what it means is that for the most part, I can take that and work with those feelings in a more positive way than I ever could before.  And you will be able to as well!  Come follow along with me this month and let’s talk about these issues!

One thing you may want to have for this month is just a blank Main Lesson book or a sketch pad or just blank paper and some art materials that you like, whether that is colored pencils or other things, just so you can jot down questions and your ideas.

For today, I want you to really think about how you feel about peace.

  • What would a peaceful home look like to you?  What would it sound like?  What would it smell like?  What does a peaceful home mean to your spouse?  Can you talk about this together?
  • Is peace for you the absence of conflict? Is it never having a raised voice? How can you look at peace from different angles or viewpoints?
  • What makes you feel centered and peaceful?  Is it reading, art, painting, knitting, exercising?  I see attached mothers who feel guilty about taking any time “alone”, and sometimes we can feel “alone” with a sleeping baby on our back :), but it is not wrong for you to need an hour to do something that nourishes you!
  • Where is your prayer and meditation time?  Whether your path is Christian, Jewish, Islamic or other spiritual traditions, I urge you to carefully think about creating a path this month that will nourish your soul.  If you are atheist, how do you work with this within your beliefs?  Can you draw or journal about this?  Pull out a calendar and put time in every day to do these spiritual things. Make that date to go check out a place of worship if that speaks to you.  Find the tradition and path that moves you!
  • Living with small children is physically demanding, it is repetitive.  Children are immature, they cry,they are noisy, they do things!  On the other hand, children bring a lot of joy, much laughter, they say and do funny things.  How can you reconcile these things to have peace in the midst of the noise and mess?

In parting for today, in  honor of St. Patrick’s day, let us remember the prayer attributed to him:

May the Strength of God guide us.
May the Power of God preserve us.
May the Wisdom of God instruct us.
May the Hand of God protect us.
May the Way of God direct us.
May the Shield of God defend us.
May the Angels of God guard us.
– Against the snares of the evil one.
May Christ be with us!
May Christ be before us!
May Christ be in us,
Christ be over all!
May Thy Grace, Lord,
Always be ours,
This day, O Lord, and forevermore. Amen.

Peaceful days and many blessings,

Carrie

Simple February: Hospitality in The Home

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Hospitality is the art of  offering a “generous and cordial reception of guests” according to Webster’s dictionary.  Another definition of hospitality, according to Webster’s, is “offering a pleasant or sustaining environment”.  Hospitable can also allude to being open and receptive.

Making our homes a place of generosity, cordial reception is a wonderful goal.  Perhaps the best way to start this is to do so with our closest family members – our spouses and our children.

I feel my husband is worthy of my respect.  Do you respect your husband?  Do you respect the way he handles the children or are you always stepping in? Do you find fault with your husband frequently?

Can you start by making your home a place of hospitality for your husband?  Can you be cordial and generous with him?  How could you make your home a place of greater comfort for him?

Perhaps he needs some downtime when he walks in the door instead of being jumped on by children.  What could you do to facilitate that?

 Are you hospitable to your children?  Are most of your words to them commands or demands or nagging or yelling? 

Children under the age of 7 learn by imitation; they learn how to treat other people by watching how you treat your husband, how he treats you, and how you treat them.

That being said, treating a child kindly is not enough to make them always treat you back respectfully.  They are learning!  Remember to have appropriate expectations for their ages and to respect the fact that they are indeed learning.

Is your home place of comfort?  Are there things of beauty, things that bring joy into your eyes in your home?  These do not have to be expensive things; an old table worn by good meals, a single flower in a small vase are all wonderful.  What do you have of beauty?

Is your home a warm and  nourishing place where time slows down?

Finally,  what are you doing to be hospitable to yourself?  Are you expecting too much of yourself?  What is nourishing you these days?  Crafting, writing, having time to sit down and read all can be nourishing.  Do you have wonderful, close friends to love and share with?

Simple times,

Carrie

Social Isolation For Stay-At-Home Mothers?

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Many, many mothers have told me their day goes smoothest for their children when they stay home but that there is an issue of feeling isolated themselves when they only go out  two times a week or once a week!  It really is a fine line, isn’t it, between doing what is really good for small children, who do need to be firmly entrenched in the home, but also keeping our sanity!  Do you all remember that post where I wrote the average woman speaks 25,000 words a day or something like that?  I  mean, those words have gotta come out somewhere, right?  It can be hard when we only have a small child around, and then we tend to start talking just to hear ourselves talk and we overtalk that poor child to death!

Ladies, again, I think this is a fine line.  For many mothers I know who suffer from post-partum depression, they have to be around some people to keep them on an even keel, so this whole forty days at home doesn’t work well for them unless they have a strong support system of folks willing to come to them.  I also encourage mothers to get their friend fix without their small children if possible, because let’s face it, to get support we want to talk about the challenges of parenting and I think that is so hard to do with all your children listening!  Perhaps that is a possibility for you!  (Obviously I am all for breastfeeding infants and toddlers coming along because they have such an intense need for their mothers!)

So, I think of this depends upon where you are in your parenting journey, and some of it depends upon your personality.  I am completely extroverted, (uh, other than I need my quiet time at night so I can write!) but I LOVE people, I love to hear their stories and all these connections go off in my head.  It is like pinballs bouncing around in my head, ping, ping, ping.   I bet you all could hear that in that Waldorf Connection Radio Show, LOL!   I am very lucky that   I have a pretty great circle of friends.  However, that took time to build up! 

So what do you do if you have no friends locally yet?  I don’t think entrenching your children in your home means you never go out of your home – can you walk to the park?  Play outside in your subdivision or street?    Do you have neighbors?  Is there a homeschooling group you could attend?  Can you go to a La Leche League meeting or an Attachment Parenting meeting and meet some mothers?  Do you have ANY friends that you could take turns going to their house one week and them coming to you one week so you both could be home one extra day during the week?  Just remember that small children really need you to hold that space in the beginning with a structured activity, and to really keep those times with other children short!  There are many posts on this blog regarding “playdates” for small children, perhaps those would help you to have a successful time of it!

Some mothers feel very isolated when they have that first child, because maybe their friends haven’t had children yet, so it is like building a circle of friends all over in many ways.  That is a challenging time of transition!  At the time you are challenged by finding your way in parenting, you are also feeling separate from all your former friends!  I think in  that case you do need to get out and meet some new people – neighbors, people at your place of worship whom you don’t know well but would like to get to know, people you run into with children at the store even!

Make a list – do you know women whom you would like to get to know better?  Can you call them up and arrange a meeting?  What qualities do you want in a friend?  Write them down!  I have seen mothers post flyers at their local health food store, yoga studio, etc  asking for mothers with children of certain ages to call them to arrange a meeting… Yes, it is a risk in some ways, but sometimes one has to be proactive!    Sometimes mothers meet over message boards, forums…Did you all know my local Waldorf homeschooling group actually started with three of us who met on-line?  It was like this:  “What, you are in Georgia?  I’m in Georgia!  We live really far apart, but so what, let’s form a group! Probably there will only be the three of us!” (now we have about 25 families as members! Never thought that would happen!)  Everything has to start somewhere!

Sometimes Waldorf homeschoolers have a hard time getting together with other families because they feel the other families won’t understand the way they parent.  That can be true, if the other children are really media-saturated and can only play in reference to media, but I have to say:  search for that common ground.  You may be a really positive influence for someone else!  Also, check with your Unschoolers!  I find in the Early Years, we often have quite a bit in common with our unschooling friends as far as more of that unfolding gesture in our educational philosophies!

This is SUCH an important issue, please, please leave a comment and talk about how you handle this balance – being home, making new friends who might be conducive to your parenting style, what to do!

Connections make the world go round,

Carrie

Lots of New!

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There are now three new pages at the top of this blog where the “Home” and “About” tags are.  One details posts available in Spanish, one is a fast primer on discipline, and one lists the pregnancy/breastfeeding/baby/toddler links on this blog.

Thanks for checking it all out!

Blessings,

Carrie

HELP! My Children Don’t Listen!

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This is such a common complaint that I hear from parents.  Of course, what parents mean when they say, “My child doesn’t listen” is really “My child is not obeying me or doing what I asked.”

Some mothers will say, “Well, Carrie, I asked Jimmy to put his coat on four times and he just runs away”  or “Samson won’t let me brush his teeth.”  Some small children can tell you exactly WHY they shouldn’t do something, like hitting or biting someone, but then they turn right around and do it anyway!

WHEW!

Let’s return back to some basics with small children:

1.  Return yourself to a peaceful state of mind, and realize that this issue is going to have to be dealt with in a repetitive manner in about the same tone you would use to say, “Could you please pass me the pepper?”  Try to erase the notion that you and your child are on opposite sides here, and foster the notion that this is a situation that you are going to help and guide and support and love your child through.  Try this back post on anger:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/

Try and connect with your child and cultivate that warmth, that love, that joy and that delight in that child during times when things like this are not happening.  Try to go in at night and see your child for as small and innocent as they really are, and meditate or pray over them.  It really does help!  Connection is THE most important and primary ingredient of guiding a child – connection in the moment BEFORE you ask the child something, connection in HOW you ask it, connection at other times throughout the day.  CONNECTION is the key.  Try “Connection Parenting” by Pam Leo for help and also Gordon Neufeld’s “Hold On To Your Kids!” for further information.

2.  Think through the situation and what is underneath it.  Don’t ask them, but just think!  For example,  for not wanting to put a coat on, is it not wanting to leave, is it that there is no rhythm built in to when we leave the house and the child is in the middle of playing, is it that the child is being silly and needs  to get some energy out?  Mind you, none of these are excuses for behavior.  It is just sort of probing the waters and seeing what other things are going on. It may help you adjust some things so things flow more smoothly.

3.  Can you use less commands?  Can you start the activity? For example, if you just go to the bathroom and start brushing your teeth and when your child follows you into the bathroom can you just hand them a toothbrush?  Hum a song.  If they run away, can you just wait a moment and then calmly try again?  Not by calling them, but maybe by  finding them under the bed and  calmly and gently  pulling them out, carrying them to the bathroom with a funny accented voice that The Tooth Investigator must check your teeth,etc.  Can you put on your coat and then help your child into theirs with a song?  Not by screaming out, time to get your coat on Jimmy! from the bottom of the stairs.  Go up and get Jimmy!  And be flexible – can Jimmy put his coat on in the car?  When you get there?

Check what tools for gentle discipline you have in your tool belt:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/top-10-must-have-tools-for-gentle-discipline/

Can you shift them into fantasy or creative movement?

And you might be thinking,  that’s great Carrie for situations where I can be flexible, but my little one hitting or biting is not a flexible situation!  You are right!  Which leads us to…..

4.  Understanding that even if a child understands why not to do something, they don’t have the impulse control of an adult.  Restitution is most important in  the cases of biting, hitting, breaking a sibling’s toy.  “Janie was sad when you bit her.” (to a three year old and up aged child).  “Let’s draw her a beautiful picture together.”

Also, divorce the offending body part from the child –divorcing  the mouth, the hands, the feet –  from the child who will take the “You bad child, you hurt your sister!” into incredible self-awareness and shame because they are still small themselves.  Try, “Uh-oh, your hands forgot what they were doing!  Come and use those hands for peeling these potatoes for dinner!”  “Your feet forgot what they were doing!  Come and kick this ball!”  But never leave the restitution part out, the fact you are moving the energy of the mouth, the hands, the feet into practical work in no way makes up for the harm they caused by biting or hitting someone else.  Restitution is key.

Also, I do think in cases of siblings hitting or biting siblings, the child needs your connection and your love outside of the times of hitting or biting or whatnot.  Do they get time alone with you?  This is important as children grow.  Are all your children melding into one family unit of “The Children” or are there times alone with each of them, and times for each of them to be alone with Daddy as well?

Just a few thoughts today on these challenging discipline situations.

Love,

Carrie