Category Archives: Discipline

“Discipline For Preschoolers 3-5 Years”: “Discipline Without Distress”

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We have followed the anthroposophical book “Tapestries” on this blog, which is a look at the seven-year cycles through the adult life span, and we are slowly making our way through this book.  I want to finish this book up as I would like to move forward to our new book soon!  Stay tuned for a surprise announcement as to what that next book will be!

Judy Arnall kicks off this chapter by reminding us of the world of the preschooler.  Children this age: are  learning about reality versus fantasy (although I would argue that elements of that fantasy world hang on strongly until the nine-year change; how many six and seven year olds still believe in Santa; how many still have that innate ability to feel one with nature?  But I digress..);   are having experiences with the natural consequences of their behavior:are  becoming aware of power and are  learning about that by engaging in power struggles (please do NOT confuse this with willful manipulation or defiance!  If you need a primer on “defiance” in the under seven crowd please see this post to help you out: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/ ); beginning to learn about socially acceptable behavior; beginning to learn about rules (Carrie’s note: the knowledge of right and wrong really begins at about age five and it is just beginning; your three and four year olds  still don’t have a great grasp on it all!); are engaging in fantasy play and may have imaginary friends and such; may lie as a result of wishful thinking and fantasy but NOT MALICE (remember, four year olds are Master Boasters and Exaggerators, not liars! :))

She runs through the developmental milestones for age three (here are posts on this blog about that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/   and this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/   and realistic expectations for a three year old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/).  She mentions improved appetite, using a fork (although I know many a four year old who would rather eat with their hands :)), very, very active; may drop afternoon nap, can take off all clothes and put on simple clothes; imitates speech of others, can peddle a tricycle.  Judy mentions a three year old can play cooperatively with children. I disagree, unless there are other adults to model off of and hold that space  or older children about to help carry it all. There is a reason school used to start around age five!   She mentions children this age  are beginning to express feelings with words, that three year olds are egocentric in thought and action with some empathy beginning to develop, anxious to please, accepts self as an individual.  The author also writes that no logical reasoning is present, a child this age believes inanimate objects are real, and  that “mythical and magical explanations are readily accepted for natural phenomena”, attention span is about fifteen minutes. 

For the four and five year old milestones, she notes such things as proficient with fork, spoon and cup (and again, I know many four and five year olds who would be  very content to eat with their fingers :)); no naps but sleeps 12 hours at night; very active with skipping and hopping on one foot; can throw overhand, can ride a scooter or two wheeled bike with training wheels (and some can ride a bike without training wheels as well is my note); hates to lose games, beginning of sex identification; has beginning emotions tied to social interaction with others such as guilt, insecurity, envy, confidence, humility; begins to respect simple rules (Carrie’s note is that four is the height of many out of bounds behavior, see the defiance post!); tensional outlets can be high, very honest and blunt; don’t really understand cause and effect at all; asks many questions about everything; beginning to distinguish between edible and non-edible substances; sentences are three and four words long; memory is rote and must start from the beginning to remember items in their order such as numbers or song verses; often confuses sequences of events; attention span is about 20 minutes.  Judy Arnall writes, “Does not recognize limits.  Just beginning to learn them.”  “Learning self-control but takes much practice.”  For further information about the four year old, see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/  and for the five-year-old see here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/    

She writes an UNHELPFUL parenting behavior is “Expecting more reason, understanding, and logic at this stage.  Not within the child’s capacity yet.”  Ways to parent helpfully for a child of this age include responding to questions simply, teaching and modeling appropriate behavior, talking about a limit (and I would add along with physical re-direction; words alone are not going to do it!); having predictable routines and rituals; nurturing child through touch, words, actions, feelings; parental self-care and all the helpful behaviors she listed in the babies and toddlers chapters.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCIPLINE TOOL FOR THIS AGE ( I would say outside of CONNECTION) is the ability to set a boundary and stay with that boundary.  You must honor your words, you must have thought things through ahead of time, and if you agree to do something, you must do it.  Judy does mention, “Again, at this age, use as few words as possible.”  (page 248). This backs up my view that we work with the BODIES of small children.    The author advocates choices; I would say many children do not do well with choices at this age and become frustrated as they pick something and then want the other thing, etc.  Please do think about what works for your child.  “Tell your children exactly what specific descriptive behavior you expect.”  I would add, SHOW THEM, do it WITH them.  This is important.  Judy Arnall advocates asking reflective questions; I think less questions for this age group actually.  The author talks about how changing the environment, so effective for younger ages, still works wonders for this age group.  Other helpful tools mentioned include parental time-outs, being polite and firm and kind, picking your battles and giving positive feedback.  There are other tools the author mentions, but I picked those out to highlight. 

Modeling is very important!  Judy Arnall writes, “Watch especially how you treat other people, from your partner all the way to the grocery clerk who gave you the wrong change.  Your children are picking up tone of voice, words, actions, and reactions, and they will copy them.”  “Modeling is such a powerful force, that it’s included as a tool in all age categories.  In fact, if all parents did was model correct behavior and didn’t correct their child on any negative behavior, children would be keen to learn how to behave properly in society, based on how the adults act.” Love this!

There is so much more in this chapter, including a checklist of natural consequences, a discussion regarding preschoolers and self-control, power struggles, how to nurture your child’s creativity, stages of play and how friendship evolves, timeless toys for all age groups, strategies to prepare your child for the arrival of a new baby, remedies for sibling rivalry, how to resolve issues without resentment, manners, chores or allowances or both?,  building a healthy self-esteem.

This is a great chapter, pick what resonates with you.  Parent with COURAGE!  You can do this!  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/05/parenting-with-courage/

Moving along to the six to twelve year old!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful Guiding of Children

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There are several steps to peaceful guidance of small children.

1.  It is important to  work hard at connection with these children during happy and joyful times.  Connection that is built up over time, and connection that is built in the moment of crisis are both needed. 

2.  It is important to attempt to guide from a place of understanding of developmental stages.  Many parents try to guide from emotion (ie, anger, yelling) or guide from a place of reasoning and extra explanations and such so the child will essentially agree with them regarding discipline and the action taken by the parent.  Neither is effective.  Guidance from place of developmental understanding and other tools are necessary.

3.  It helps to be working on yourself, and also to understand your own family culture.  Try this back post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/what-kind-of-family-are-you/

4.  Boundaries are important!  Children need to learn how to function in society. What are the boundaries in your home? What are the rules?  It should not be all willy-nilly!  It matters what boundaries you set, so think about them and set them in confidence and love!

5.  The needs of ALL the family members matter!  The rhythm of your day, bedtimes, mealtimes, etc have to work for EVERYONE.  You are the designer of your family life and if something is NOT working, you must change it!

This is a brief summary of gentle discipline techniques according to age, up through age 8.   These are not all-inclusive lists, but just some things to get you started and thinking!

Children ages 1 -2:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, limited words, singing and verses and movement instead, avoid DIRECT commands because they will turn around and run the other way!  Don’t be afraid to pick your child up and move them.  Shape  the environment – don’t put all the toys out, etc.   Rest is important!  Getting the energy out is important!

Children aged 2:  Keep out of the home excursions very limited and simple.  Simple words (remember a child of 18 months is about at the “coat-hat-out” phase so a 2 year old is not too far ahead of this!  Do not provide choices about big things, esp at 2 and a half – they have a really hard time choosing and are likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears.  Have confidence, find your rhythm.  Do not expect two years to share! Shape the environment. Use imagination and fantasy for daily tasks, for changing activities.  Sideways, sideways, sideways instead of direct head on commands and demands.   Rest is important. 

Children ages 3 and 4:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out,  limited words and explanation, singing and verses and movement instead.  Let some of the behaviors go and ignore instead of trying to address every single thing. 

Children ages 5 and 6:   Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, limited words but more pointed phrases regarding behavior, verses, this is a time when children say things like “You’re not the boss of me!”  “no I won’t do that!”  “Make me do that!”  Calm down, and don’t respond in an angry manner.  You are the one shaping the situation, not them.  Be calm!

Children ages 7 and 8:  Connection, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, simple explanations, distraction still works to a limited extent. 7 year olds have a really, really hard time stopping to do what they are doing to do what you asked, so you can warn them in advance if that helps, and give them TIME to complete a task. 

Peaceful days in March and many blessings,

Carrie

The Number Two Way To Discipline A Child

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The number two way to discipline a child under the age of 7 (and older!)  is by having the child make restitution.  Not when everyone is upset, not when everyone is crying, not when everyone is angry.  That is when you need CONNECTION first (see this post regarding connection: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/22/the-number-one-way-to-discipline-a-child/ )  But, after, everyone has calmed down, then you sit down and take up a paper and crayons and draw.  And when the child comes to see what you are doing you can quietly say (but NO GUILT! NO LECTURES! NO BOOK ABOUT THE INCIDENT!)  “I am drawing a picture for your sister because she was very sad earlier.”    Or quietly start to fix that toy and when the child comes you say, “Could you help me glue this part?  I am fixing this for your brother.”

I think this technique would work well for children that are about four or four and a half up.  For children younger than that, really they need the connection part most and as they grow older they will learn about restitution.  Of course, they can help hold an ice pack or watch you fix something though.

The point is, though, first SPACE….everyone needs to calm down.  I am against time-out for children, unless you want to take a time-out for yourself.  Nothing can be accomplished when everyone is yelling and screaming and you must be calm in  order to guide and to teach.  Then, connection.  Take that sobbing child on your lap, hold that child.  The boundary is NOT changing, the boundary is still there, but the connection is there.  The child is adapting to the boundary. (If the boundary keeps adapting to them, they are learning nothing).  Then later, when things are better, make the restitution.

Those are the keys you need for success and for guiding.  Our goal is to raise wonderful adults, not to punish a small child over an incident they will not remember years from now.  But over time, it will become engrained in them to approach conflict with a means to  provide space, to connect and to problem-solve.

Many blessings,

Carrie

“I Bet Ma and Pa Ingalls Never Had This Problem!”

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Some mothers have said to me :  why did  Mary and Laura Ingalls seemed to pretty much always do what they were told?  And they never really “talked back” either!  What was the secret of Ma and Pa Ingalls and what are we doing wrong?!

Kim John Payne says that this question actually came up when he spoke, and at first he didn’t know what to say….And then he realized the answer was quite simple:  Pa Ingalls didn’t say too much, so when he did say something, he was listened to by the children!  You can read about this in the book “Simplicity Parenting” (the review is here:) https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/26/favorite-waldorf-resource-2-simplicity-parenting-using-the-extraordinary-power-of-less-to-raise-calmer-happier-and-more-secure-kids-by-kim-john-payne-and-lisa-ross/

Personally, I think there were other factors as well…..Read on!

First of all, I think in our society we equate talking small children to death as a sign of respect.   We believe we are providing dignity to the young child, giving them a voice, when in fact we are giving them choices, options and a give and take way beyond their years and developmental level.  Why is singing to our child, or giving our children a strong rhythm not seen as a measure of respect for where they are in our country? 

Second of all, we seem to think that the more peer interaction a child has, the better off a child will be.  They then become peer-oriented and peer-dependent at an early age.  Gordon Neufeld addresses this beautifully in his book, “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Matter More Than Peers”, available here:http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267010344&sr=1-1      ..I am re-reading this right now, and it spoke to me when my children were very small, and it speaks to me now that my children are a bit bigger but still small.  It should be required reading in this country, where we seem to think it is normal to send a two-year-old off to “school”.  It baffles me that separation from the family, the pressure for an adult day, the academic foisting on small children has changed so much in the generations since World War Two

Third of all, the reason our children don’t listen is that we talk WAY too much and we give them WAY too much insight into how we make decisions instead of just telling them the decision!  We don’t listen enough, and then when we do listen and “factor” this into our decision-making, we prattle on through all the adult choices, all the adult reasoning (and this three or four-year old is listening, and unfortunately, they really don’t see our decision-making process as such I am afraid) and I think it comes off as not being decisive to them simply because they cannot process this adult reasoning pattern. 

So what can we do?

Connect with your children!  Connect with them in the morning!  Connect with them during the day!  How do we connect?  Hold them, laugh with them, sing to them, play with them.  LOVE them, delight in them!  Stop separating them from you when they do something not right – love them and guide them through it!  Have them make restitution, that means much more than sending them off to sit in a chair!  Have them own the problem and fix the problem, and leave their dignity intact!

Listen more and talk less!  Here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/04/a-mouthodometer/   and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/14/stop-talking/

Go through the decision-making process in your head, not out loud.  Say what you mean and do what you say.  This is called  INTEGRITY, and this is  a good thing to model for small children so they will grow up to be people of integrity.

Have confidence.  It continually amazes me that in this day and age, there is so much complete MIS-information about the small child, the baby.  I have heard parents say their five-month old is “manipulating them” or their one’-year-old is “defiant”.  What??!!  This is wishful thinking, folks!  See back posts on defiance in the small child here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/

Develop yourself and have a PLAN for how to improve your parenting.  What is your plan for becoming the parent you want to be?  In business or in your career, you might have had a goal, but you also would have made a plan to get there!  Make a commitment, write it down – what needs to happen in your home and how will you get there? Enlist a friend to keep you accountable!

Many blessings,

Carrie 

PS see the many interesting comments below…some of them focused on the physical punishment part of the Ingalls family….hard for many of us to fathom and painful to read…Steiner talks about the evolution of humanity and human consciousness and how we really don’t understand the consciousness of another time and place because we are different now…something to that effect.  Very interesting stuff, but for the sake of this post I wasn’t really focused on that end of it, more the communications end of it, but thanks for your comments!  It’s just that a lot of  mothers bring up Ma and Pa Ingalls and their listening children…that’s all, nothing really deeper than that!  🙂

The Number One Way to Discipline A Child

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….is through connection and attachment, not through separation.  This is why threats, time-outs, and other traditional discipline methods fail.

Attachment and connection with your child is the number one way to guide a child.  You can sure  hold them when they cry because Grandma can’t come to dinner.  You can sure hold them as they learn it is hard sometimes to share.  You can help them adapt, but you cannot help them if you send them into a time-out.  You are not changing the realities of life, you are not  changing the boundary, but you are recognizing the very human struggle that goes into learning something.  You are  recognizing  the strong bond between the child and the parent. 

How do you connect?  A young child is in  their body – hug them, kiss them, rub their backs, massage their hands and feet, pat them on the back, tickle them, rough house with them, hold them, carry them, treasure them – and do it at the times when things are falling apart.  Get down to their eye level and love them and support them, even if you don’t feel they are being lovable.

The relationship with this child is what carries the discipline.  Help your child to learn and to grow; you are raising a child to become an adult of brilliance.

Peaceful guiding,

Carrie

“I Don’t Like My Child Right Now”

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That’s okay.  Loving your child doesn’t always mean you like their behavior. However, I think feeling that way is a good sign something needs to be different (and before you jump in and say, yes, my child needs to do “X” to make that happen!), please read on for a few encouraging words.

  • Please, please work hard to connect with this child in a warm and loving way.  Plan to just “be” together, no agendas, no judging, just observing.  Play with your child, tickle your child, love your child.  If a child is in a difficult developmental stage or the family is going through stress and changes and this is being reflected in the child’s behavior, he or she needs your support and love and warmth to get through it.  You are the adult, and you must be that wall the child can bounce off of, see the boundary that is still there and that you are still  there even if they fall apart.  You really can do this!   Connect, connect, connect – connect when everyone is falling apart.  Try the book “Playful Parenting” by Lawrence Cohen if you need some ideas for incorporating play or humor into your parenting.  
  • Gather some support for yourself!  Find some friends who have children around the same ages, call your local La Leche League Leader (did you all know that one of the philosophical tenets of La Leche League is around loving guidance – these Leaders do know about positive discipline!), call your local Attachment Parenting Leader, go to some meetings from these groups about loving guidance and gentle discipline.  But, please, please, please, do NOT talk about your child’s behavior in front of them!  They hear everything you say and take it to heart!  Try to get your support without them in ear-shot!
  • What are the non-negotiable things in your house?  What can you be flexible about?  Are you being creative enough and using humor or are you just being the hammer that comes down?  Are you spending time with your child and enjoying them and  not just saying things to them about how to behave? What does your Family Mission Statement say?  What is important in your family, and does this behavior affect that?
  • Are you getting your tank filled?  How are things between you and your spouse?  What stress are you under, and is that coming out in how you are handling your child?  In times of stress, humor with discipline situations is sometimes the first thing to go!  Make a date to get some time ALONE and some time with your spouse as well…..  It can make a huge difference in your parenting.
  • Do you have realistic expectations for yourself?  It is very hard to work outside the home, homeschool, do this and that and be a great parent.  Are you putting way too much pressure on yourself?  What will happen if you are not perfect?  There is no perfect, there just is being there in the moment.   
  • Are you putting way too much thought around this?  If you ignored a few things, really picked the essential things that had to happen, what would change for you and your child?  If this is your first child, do you think you would be paying so much attention to this if you had two or three other children to look after at the same time? It is harder with your first child when you go through these developmental stages because you have never been through it and you are still creating your family’s culture.  I know mothers who looked back and told me they were way too hard on their first child, and expected way too much!   Maybe this child needs less spotlight on the negative, and more spotlight on the positive.  At the same time, you cannot count it a good day if your child doesn’t melt down, throw a fit, etc.  That is just what kids do.  You can be calm through it; your point is to love and guide and help your child, not look at this situation as a black mark on your day.  You are teaching your child how to deal with life, with conflict, with the fact that there are some things that have to stand, and what to do when we make a mistake. 
  • Do you have realistic expectations for the age of the child?  There are many, many posts about that on this blog.  Remember how very, very small the under-7 child is.  Four is a great age for sitting on laps, and five is just a step up from that.  Six is an age of so-called “rebellion” as noted in traditional childhood resources, but an age where a more pointed statement can be used to guide behavior.  Seven is inward, eight is outward and enthusiastic and nine is the beginning of the separation of the child from the world, realizing that he is not his family, he is not the tree or the rock.  He is I.  A powerful and confusing time! 
  • How much outside time is this child getting?  The behavior is much better when the child has a release for all that energy.  Two to four hours outside per day(or more!) is about right for a small child, depending on the weather conditions and their energy level.  I remember years with  my oldest where I felt as if we essentially lived outside for the whole year!
  • Are you using the right tactics?  Saying something over and over does not make it happen.  Usually the first thing a child says after you announce, “It’s time to…” is “NO!  I am not doing that!”  That is why, to me, it is so better  to have a strong rhythm, to use yourself doing what you want the child to do first, to employ humor, and with small children you simply cannot be afraid to touch them, move them, carry them, hold them.  They often need your gentle hands to help them.  It is part of life with wee ones.  They don’t need a lecture or a book on the subject that they tune out after the first sentence. 

Here is also a back post to help you out:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/05/thoughts-on-challenging-developmental-stages/

Many blessings,

Carrie

HELP! My Children Don’t Listen!

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This is such a common complaint that I hear from parents.  Of course, what parents mean when they say, “My child doesn’t listen” is really “My child is not obeying me or doing what I asked.”

Some mothers will say, “Well, Carrie, I asked Jimmy to put his coat on four times and he just runs away”  or “Samson won’t let me brush his teeth.”  Some small children can tell you exactly WHY they shouldn’t do something, like hitting or biting someone, but then they turn right around and do it anyway!

WHEW!

Let’s return back to some basics with small children:

1.  Return yourself to a peaceful state of mind, and realize that this issue is going to have to be dealt with in a repetitive manner in about the same tone you would use to say, “Could you please pass me the pepper?”  Try to erase the notion that you and your child are on opposite sides here, and foster the notion that this is a situation that you are going to help and guide and support and love your child through.  Try this back post on anger:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/the-battlefield-of-the-mind-anger-and-parenting/

Try and connect with your child and cultivate that warmth, that love, that joy and that delight in that child during times when things like this are not happening.  Try to go in at night and see your child for as small and innocent as they really are, and meditate or pray over them.  It really does help!  Connection is THE most important and primary ingredient of guiding a child – connection in the moment BEFORE you ask the child something, connection in HOW you ask it, connection at other times throughout the day.  CONNECTION is the key.  Try “Connection Parenting” by Pam Leo for help and also Gordon Neufeld’s “Hold On To Your Kids!” for further information.

2.  Think through the situation and what is underneath it.  Don’t ask them, but just think!  For example,  for not wanting to put a coat on, is it not wanting to leave, is it that there is no rhythm built in to when we leave the house and the child is in the middle of playing, is it that the child is being silly and needs  to get some energy out?  Mind you, none of these are excuses for behavior.  It is just sort of probing the waters and seeing what other things are going on. It may help you adjust some things so things flow more smoothly.

3.  Can you use less commands?  Can you start the activity? For example, if you just go to the bathroom and start brushing your teeth and when your child follows you into the bathroom can you just hand them a toothbrush?  Hum a song.  If they run away, can you just wait a moment and then calmly try again?  Not by calling them, but maybe by  finding them under the bed and  calmly and gently  pulling them out, carrying them to the bathroom with a funny accented voice that The Tooth Investigator must check your teeth,etc.  Can you put on your coat and then help your child into theirs with a song?  Not by screaming out, time to get your coat on Jimmy! from the bottom of the stairs.  Go up and get Jimmy!  And be flexible – can Jimmy put his coat on in the car?  When you get there?

Check what tools for gentle discipline you have in your tool belt:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/top-10-must-have-tools-for-gentle-discipline/

Can you shift them into fantasy or creative movement?

And you might be thinking,  that’s great Carrie for situations where I can be flexible, but my little one hitting or biting is not a flexible situation!  You are right!  Which leads us to…..

4.  Understanding that even if a child understands why not to do something, they don’t have the impulse control of an adult.  Restitution is most important in  the cases of biting, hitting, breaking a sibling’s toy.  “Janie was sad when you bit her.” (to a three year old and up aged child).  “Let’s draw her a beautiful picture together.”

Also, divorce the offending body part from the child –divorcing  the mouth, the hands, the feet –  from the child who will take the “You bad child, you hurt your sister!” into incredible self-awareness and shame because they are still small themselves.  Try, “Uh-oh, your hands forgot what they were doing!  Come and use those hands for peeling these potatoes for dinner!”  “Your feet forgot what they were doing!  Come and kick this ball!”  But never leave the restitution part out, the fact you are moving the energy of the mouth, the hands, the feet into practical work in no way makes up for the harm they caused by biting or hitting someone else.  Restitution is key.

Also, I do think in cases of siblings hitting or biting siblings, the child needs your connection and your love outside of the times of hitting or biting or whatnot.  Do they get time alone with you?  This is important as children grow.  Are all your children melding into one family unit of “The Children” or are there times alone with each of them, and times for each of them to be alone with Daddy as well?

Just a few thoughts today on these challenging discipline situations.

Love,

Carrie

Where Do I Start With Gentle Discipline?

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Whew, several folks have asked this and this is such a big subject to even attempt to cover in one post, but I will try.  I think actually the first thing to start with is to give yourself permission to be learning, to be human, to be imperfect.  I find that when parents start to learn about gentle discipline, they feel as if they did everything wrong in the past and feel guilty.  Please don’t.  You were doing the best you could at the time with the information you had and that is where you were in your parenting journey. I congratulate you for making a commitment to move forward and toward parenting in a different way, perhaps in even  a more mindful way than before.

The second thing, I think, is to explore what gentle discipline brings up for you.  Does it bring forth fears that there will be no boundaries for your child?   Does it seem as if you have no tools to replace yelling at your child?  Does it seem like you chronically lose your temper with your child, and you aren’t sure how gentle discipline is going to help? I think these are things to explore and think about.

Third, look at how you view the small child.  If your view of the child is that the small child is a miniature adult, that they think and rationalize and intellectualize things the way you do, that all they need is information and to be treated by you the way you would want to be treated, then I would say you probably will be disappointed.  Not because children are “bad” or “defiant”, but because they are learning!  It takes a lot of effort and repetition to guide a child!  Yes, children need to be treated with dignity and respect and warmth and love; they deserve this and they will imitate what you do!  Actions speak louder than words!  However, a small child, to me at least, has a completely different consciousness than an adult and I think you need different tools to access this and guide this rather than just your voice.  How many times do you say the same thing to your child over and over and over?  Try something different, try movement and physically guiding and fantasy and play and humor and less words and you may be surprised at how well that works!

Fourth, how well do you know traditional developmental stages?  Each stage has different things that come to light from both traditional viewpoints and anthroposophic viewpoints.  If you know, in general, what the ages of disequilibium are and how that typically manifests, it really helps.  If you know realistically what age a child typically starts to dress themselves or pick  up their rooms, that helps.  I find realistic expectations are often  a strong key to controlling parental anger.  Are you creating a battle with your child in your mind over things that should not be battles? 

Fifth, it is not just about your child; it is about you.  Parenting will make you stretch and grow in so many ways; it is like a yoga pose you cannot move out of sometimes!    What kind of baggage are you carrying around from your own childhood and are you trying to check it into your child’s luggage?  How is anger and other negative emotions dealt with in your home?  How are you and your partner?  How is the rhythm of your home- is that a help or a hindrance in guiding your child?  How much outside time are you getting?  Is the tone of your home generally warm and calm or chaotic or cold?  How is your attitude?  Where is your own inner work?  Is your house a visually cluttered place with too many things?  Where is the beauty?

If you look on this blog, you just might find a few things to start you down a different path.

Hope that helps!

Many blessings,

Carrie

More About Holding The Space

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We have been having a conversation about this over at Donna Simmons’ forum, and it has raised many important questions about this concept.  Several great threads have popped up about holding the space, please do come join us!

One of the most interesting concerns to me, though, was a question that came up regarding if holding the space was somehow not authentic, and how do children learn about emotion and managing emotion if not from us? I started thinking that the corollary to this is sort of:   If we do all this inner work, then we will be calm all the time, right?

I love this!  To me, “holding the space”  does not mean we have The Valium House and we are deadened to the world.  You are holding the space for your child, the most intimate thing in your life outside of your partner, because you are the adult and you want to help your child. You may very well be angry, but you are stopping to try to hold your reactions in check so you don’t do something you will regret.  You are also doing this so you don’t pass on your baggage and check it into your child’s luggage! So maybe you go outside for a moment and come back if that is safe. Maybe you breathe. Essentially you are trying to take that moment to try not to be sucked into laying down on the floor and having a temper tantrum  yourself next to your two year old.  It is not at all about being a Valium Parent,  it is about being authentic and genuine but also dependable. The child will learn they can push for a boundary against you and you will not crumple to the floor and then the child develops themselves even further.

Holding the space also means you can rise above your own feelings in a way to be constructive. You can show the child how to fix it, how to make things better. You can show your child what to DO with those angry feelings. That is the important thing. When an emotion threatens to topple you into the abyss, how do you regain yourself and how do you make it better? That is the part the child needs to see, and because they live in their bodies, they need to know through movement and action, the doing, not in this reasoning talk that many parenting  books want to use. That comes at later ages!

Children under 7 DO have emotions! Of course!   I like how Kim John Payne describes it in his book “Simplicity Parenting“, how small children have just this pool of undifferentiated emotion and if you do venture to ask them how they feel they generally will say “bad”. They really don’t have that same consciousness to it that we do, but it is okay to describe what you see in the moment.  Sometimes when a child is upset or angry, we want so badly to fix it and sometimes the child just needs to feel it.  A touch, a look, can all be supportive.  Words cannot dam the flood!  Warmth on the level of the soul!  That is healing!

 
Again though, showing what one can do with these strong emotions  to transform it, to make things better is important.   We often want this sense of utopia for our children – peaceful, no conflict.  I think the best thing though is to show how to transform conflict  into something constructive, without a big speech about it.  Or even just seeing how we cry and move on.  How do you let go of things?  Can you show that?

Life with little ones is in the doing, and with the doing comes the power of transformation and potential for healing.

(Part of this post I originally wrote for a thread on the Waldorf At Home Forum, but it has been somewhat transformed like strong authentic emotions  :))

Love,

Carrie

More About Time-In for Tinies

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I cannot stand time out for small children.  You can see some back posts related to that discussion here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/23/discipline-without-distress-chapter-four/    and here:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/why-should-i-consider-time-in-instead/  

I am all for a ‘time-out” for the mother if the mother needs it to pull herself together though, so please don’t misinterpret the fact that I do think both parties need some time to pull themselves together.  However, dragging a  child in the heat of the moment to sit in a chair for one minute for each year of age seems to not accomplish much.  A child is not going to  think like an adult, and sit there and reflect on what has happened and how they can make it better.    (I am also all for objects going into time-out!  “Hmm, I see those scissors chasing your sister’s braids around the room.  I think they need a break!”  :))

Someone recently commented to me though, that “time-in” didn’t seem to work very well either ; trying to hold a kicking and thrashing child who is trying to hit for time-in just doesn’t work well.

You are correct, dear reader, and I hear mothers everywhere sighing relief at this notion.  Thank you for bringing it up because I have more to say!

Some children do not respond well to any sort of “containment” when they are upset.  What this situation sounds like is more of “How does one handle a temper tantrum?”

So here are Carrie’s Rules For Handling Temper Tantrums in all their glory, and please do take what resonates with you. Every child is different and you know your child best! 

1.  You must be calm yourself and  not lay down on the floor next to your child and have a temper tantrum.  Collect yourself and breathe!  Take your own time-out if you need to!   You must be the warm and friendly wall your child can bounce off of, because your child is scared and doesn’t want to be out of control. 

2.  You must not be so, so, so connected toward trying to get the child to stop.  The child is in a flood of emotion, a torrent of emotion, and sometimes all that can happen at first is that the emotions must come out.  And because a three or four year old is tiny (a good age for sitting on laps!), the emotion comes out in this “immature” way of a temper tantrum (although, seriously, isn’t an adult slamming a door or putting their fist down on a table the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum?)   Aletha Solter writes about this torrent of emotion here:  http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm  I don’t always agree with everything she says, but I think many of her points are valid. 

3.  Move the child if the child is hurting your property or you or himself.  I like outside on the grass if it is possible to get there.  More on this below.

What can you do if your child is hitting you and kicking you?  You move, of course, but I do know some children that need to be held even through their hitting and kicking and such.  Only you can determine what works best for your child and what brings your child peace at that moment.  My own children never liked being held during a temper tantrum, at least not until some of the torrent of emotion was released.

Outside can be a safer place if you have grass.

4. The best thing often to do is to be nearby but also doing something repetitive, like folding something, etc.    I know that sounds awful, and  I am not suggesting you completely ignore your child, but a little bit of not looking is okay if you know your child can’t hurt himself or herself.  The rationale here is to provide the child some reassurance that Mommy is still here, Mommy loves you, and the rhythm and beauty of life are right here and even though you don’t feel well right now, you will feel better in a minute.  That is what must be in your very gesture and in your very soul, your belief that this will be okay in a moment,  as you are nearby and ready to help. 

Some children do respond well if they are having a giant temper tantrum and all eyes are on them and a parent tries to rub their back, but I have known many who really did just need to crawl under the table and get it out.  No shame in that, but you are not allowed to talk them through it all and intrude on it if they just need to get it out! 

I know this is different than what many mainstream parenting articles say, but I am only telling you what has worked for me and for so many of the families I have worked with and observed.  Telling Johnny in the middle of this torrent of emotion, “You are sad because you wanted a cookie and it’s near dinner time and you can’t have a cookie but maybe you can have a cookie later…”  just doesn’t seem helpful for the moment.  Johnny can’t even hear  you right now as emotion pours out of every pore.

We can be so uncomfortable with our children’s tears or anger, but why?  These are emotions that are every bit as valid as happiness and joy.  They are not our emotions either, we are separate from our child.

4. When things subside a bit, perhaps then you can gently rub a child’s back, hold the child and rock and connect through touch with not so many words.  This is the time-in part – instead of sending your child away for a “time out”, connect with that beautiful and small child and have a time-in.

5.  Some children who have very long temper tantrums and who can’t seem to come out of it themselves well may need to be scooped up and you both go outside.  Sometimes it just seems that change in scenery, soft grass, makes the world a better place.  You stay nearby too!  Some children do need your physical help to come back into themselves, and so only you can experiment with holding your child at what point during the temper tantrum. 

Some children who are at the edge of being done with a temper tantrum but not ready to be held or looked at do well with you telling a story to your dog, to your plant, to your fish (just not directly to your child, LOL).  I used to tell a lot of stories to our giant Leonberger about when she was a puppy and then the child would chime in (eventually) with this or that…

Changing the scene can be important in public as well.  Be prepared to abandon your shopping cart if you are out, or be okay with going out to the car or yard if you are at a friend’s house or whathave you.

6. Once the temper tantrum is over, get your child something to eat!  Their blood sugar will be low.

7.  You  don’t need to go back and verbally re-hash with your child what caused the tantrum, unless there is something the child needs to do to make restitution.  It seems as though many tantrums are over things that are actually small and happen because the child is tired, hungry, thirsty, over-stimulated.  The hunger, thirst, over-stimulation is the NEED that needs to be fixed, the NEED underneath the behavior.  Unfortunately, you cannot fix it in the middle of the torrent of emotion.

8.   If your child is a consistent temper tantrum mess, check out the physical and emotional things going on…. Getting molars?  Getting sick? Getting enough sleep?  Napping enough?  Going too many places?  Parents stressed?  Family life changes?  Are they eating enough?  That is your job to figure out.  Parenting is always a bit of detective work!

Tantrums will eventually calm down, some children seem to have the height of them at ages 3 or 4 (some at age 2)….Like so many other things in parenting, this too shall pass. 

Hope that helps,  please take what resonates with you!

Carrie