Whew, several folks have asked this and this is such a big subject to even attempt to cover in one post, but I will try.  I think actually the first thing to start with is to give yourself permission to be learning, to be human, to be imperfect.  I find that when parents start to learn about gentle discipline, they feel as if they did everything wrong in the past and feel guilty.  Please don’t.  You were doing the best you could at the time with the information you had and that is where you were in your parenting journey. I congratulate you for making a commitment to move forward and toward parenting in a different way, perhaps in even  a more mindful way than before.

The second thing, I think, is to explore what gentle discipline brings up for you.  Does it bring forth fears that there will be no boundaries for your child?   Does it seem as if you have no tools to replace yelling at your child?  Does it seem like you chronically lose your temper with your child, and you aren’t sure how gentle discipline is going to help? I think these are things to explore and think about.

Third, look at how you view the small child.  If your view of the child is that the small child is a miniature adult, that they think and rationalize and intellectualize things the way you do, that all they need is information and to be treated by you the way you would want to be treated, then I would say you probably will be disappointed.  Not because children are “bad” or “defiant”, but because they are learning!  It takes a lot of effort and repetition to guide a child!  Yes, children need to be treated with dignity and respect and warmth and love; they deserve this and they will imitate what you do!  Actions speak louder than words!  However, a small child, to me at least, has a completely different consciousness than an adult and I think you need different tools to access this and guide this rather than just your voice.  How many times do you say the same thing to your child over and over and over?  Try something different, try movement and physically guiding and fantasy and play and humor and less words and you may be surprised at how well that works!

Fourth, how well do you know traditional developmental stages?  Each stage has different things that come to light from both traditional viewpoints and anthroposophic viewpoints.  If you know, in general, what the ages of disequilibium are and how that typically manifests, it really helps.  If you know realistically what age a child typically starts to dress themselves or pick  up their rooms, that helps.  I find realistic expectations are often  a strong key to controlling parental anger.  Are you creating a battle with your child in your mind over things that should not be battles? 

Fifth, it is not just about your child; it is about you.  Parenting will make you stretch and grow in so many ways; it is like a yoga pose you cannot move out of sometimes!    What kind of baggage are you carrying around from your own childhood and are you trying to check it into your child’s luggage?  How is anger and other negative emotions dealt with in your home?  How are you and your partner?  How is the rhythm of your home- is that a help or a hindrance in guiding your child?  How much outside time are you getting?  Is the tone of your home generally warm and calm or chaotic or cold?  How is your attitude?  Where is your own inner work?  Is your house a visually cluttered place with too many things?  Where is the beauty?

If you look on this blog, you just might find a few things to start you down a different path.

Hope that helps!

Many blessings,

Carrie

This morning as I was preparing breakfast, the two bigger kids (ages 8 and 5)  wanted to build a train track, but the chest of train tracks was in their little brother’s room, and since I had a crying baby I couldn’t lift it and bring it out to the spot they wanted to build the train track on.  Therefore, the oldest decided she could not wait for me to get the train tracks and she would do it little by little herself. After one trip into the bedroom to get tracks, she started saying, “But (little sister) NEVER helps!  She never does ANYTHING to clean up or help!  I guess I will do it all by myself!” and started yelling at her little sister to help her.  In return, her little sister, who just turned five two weeks ago, promptly did a great version of “NANAABOOBOO” and started with the wonderful name-calling that every four and early five year old seems to know how to do.

I actually felt amused, because it provided me this great moment of epiphany:  My oldest was using the wrong tools to try to get her little sister to help!  First of all, yelling at someone never works; second of all, even asking and reasoning with a four or five year old to help is not going to work because they are moving beings not reasoning beings; and third of all, every four or five year old is going to react to being yelled at by their sibling with a version of “nanaabooboo” because that is their level of maturity.

So stop to think!  How many times do we use the WRONG tools in parenting?  When you go to discipline a child, do you ever stop to think if this tool that you are about to use is the right one for the age of your child?  Do you understand where your child is developmentally? 

Or are you flying about with no tools?  Reacting by yelling is essentially flying without a toolbox.  Yelling typically results from frustration, so double check if your expectations are truly in line with your child’s age.  Are they?

The younger child did end up helping her big sister get out the train tracks.  I gave the older one ownership of the problem (she could have waited for me to help her or she could do it herself happily or she could turn it into a game and involve  the younger one in carrying the tracks).   I guided the older one when she got stuck in frustration, and helped involve the younger one.  This is the job of a parent; it is not to say “work it out” until you are certain they have the tools to “work it out”.

Yelling and blaming and spewing frustration at your child are not parenting tools, even though we have all been there and done these things.  Be easy with yourself, and forgive yourself for these things that are reactions and not guiding.   Being a gentle parent is so important, but luckily our children give us many chances to show better sides of ourselves!

Remember movement, games, reasonable expectations, a cheerful attitude on your part, restitution on the child’s part if something did not go well.  There are wonderful tools for a wonderful future adult.

Much love,

Carrie

There is so much talk these days regarding the great lessons that team sports and other classes can teach a child.  My oldest child is eight now, and the question of outside activities is starting to come up; activities for learning how to get along in a group, work as a team within a group, and for the social end of things because  having friends and even a best friend is important at this age.

My husband and I were talking about this issue the other night, and he commented something very interesting to me.  He said, “Well, it seems as if many parents want to use these team sports and classes as a way to parent their children but in reality there is no substitute for good parenting.”

Wow!

Scouting, team sports, karate, and all the many other activities a child could be doing  is a supplement, not the main course.  To many of you out there, you may be thinking, well, of course!  However, once a child is in school much of the day away from the home, and then in other classes or sports for part of the day, and then perhaps home with homework, there may be less time for parenting than one imagines.  The parent may possibly be shoved into the role of “time facilitator” or “manager of events”  for their child rather than “parent to help guide child through life in these teachable moments.” 

Good parenting takes quantity time.  If you and your child have a decreased amount of time together, chances are that there will be less teachable moments that come up.  You may  have to work harder at connection within the blur that is each day that rushes by. 

If your child is school-aged but still under the fifth or sixth grade level, I would advise you to seriously look at what commitments you and your child have outside of school and to think about limiting those engagements.

I think it is very important for school-aged children who are not homeschooling to have ample opportunity to actually be at home.  The younger school-aged child still needs to be firmly entrenched in the family.    It is also important that the school-aged child has plenty of time to work on practical life skills that tend to get squished out by homework and extracurricular activities.  Every child should be learning how to clean house, cook meals, grocery shop, sew, knit, fix things around the house and on the car as they get older, and garden.  Boys and girls alike!

Team sports, classes and other activities have their place for children, but let’s not confuse the lessons these activities teach with the necessity of good parenting.

Peace,

Carrie

I know  many mothers who believe that being the Queen of Their Home means essentially micro-managing every single thing in their home.  Answering every single question or word uttered by their child.  It means managing not only homeschooling, the chores around the home, but the people as well – Dad, the children, the dog.

I believe if you are the Queen of Your Home, you will rule more gently than that!  A rhythm is not a micro-managed schedule – it is an order, but it does not preclude stopping for warmth, love, hugs and kisses and fun!  It does not involve hovering over each member of the family, but it does involve Loving Accountability for the children.

How many of us have done this with their older children?

Mother:  Please pick your clothes up off the floor!

Child:  In a minute, I have to go to the bathroom!

Mother:  Okay, when you come out of the bathroom, please pick up your clothes.

(Child running around and jumping on other siblings)

Mother:  Come and pick up your clothes please!

(Child wrestling with dog and building jump for dog out of pillows)

Mother:  Are you sure you flushed?  Can you come and pick up these clothes now as I asked?

Big sigh here.

Loving Accountability for the child under the age of 7 would be to do the activity with the child to help them be on task.  For example, on average, a child begins to dress himself with reminders at age 5- this is the average age!  An average age to dress himself without reminders or help needed is age 10!

So, step number one would be to be familiar with normal developmental expectations!  Is what you asking reasonable?  What age is your child?  Is your child under the age of 7?    Step number two would be to understand you cannot be a verbal-only parent with a child under the age of 7.  Step number three would be to realize that you are doing a disservice for your child over the age of 7 by consistently micro-managing what you ask them to do.  Say it once, help the child if it is a new task and they need to learn, break it down into steps with them, practice it together  over a period of time and when they have it the task down give them ownership of it.  If the clothes are not picked up the floor, oh dear,  I guess I can read you the chapter of this book when the clothes jump into that drawer!  Not a punishment there, just a gentle prod of ownership and Loving Accountability.

You can have a wonderful rhythm to your day where the family helps participate in the loving care of the home!  Put away The Iron Fist and live with the notion of Loving Accountability and a light-as- a-feather touch.  A Queen should never be ruffled in her own castle!

Quiet confidence in parenting is a great strength!  Test yourself this week:  what expectations do I have?  Are they reasonable?  Am I ruling with An Iron Fist or a Feather?  Am I exuding quiet confidence and holding the space with quiet calmness or am I completely exasperated?  If you feel calm and confidence, this will decrease your anger as a parent.

This week in your inner work, see if you can ponder the images of An Iron Fist or A Feather.  See if you can understand that while many times we become angry in parenting, we can also choose to back up the train and respond with calmness and confidence if we keep in mind normal developmental expectations, the developmental needs and responsiveness of children under and over 7, how to assist an older child in learning a task, and giving them ownership and accountability.  Being mindful in the face of stress is an area of practice and focus for many of us!

May your touch be as light as a feather this week in your home,

Carrie