Category Archives: Development

Childbirth in “Consumer Reports”

Posted on by
Reply

This came across another list I am on, and it is so important that I wanted to share it with you all.  Please pass the permalink for this post on to any expectant families you know.

Article in “Consumer Reports” about Childbirth

http://www.consumerreports.org/health/medical-conditions-treatments/pregnancy-childbirth/maternity-care/overview/maternity-care.htm

Back to basics for safer childbirth

Too many doctors and hospitals are overusing high-tech procedures

Noninvasive measures can mean better outcomes for baby and Mom.

When it’s time to bring a new baby into the world, there’s a lot to be said for letting nature take the lead. The normal, hormone-driven changes in the body that naturally occur during delivery can optimize infant health and encourage the easy establishment and continuation of breastfeeding and mother-baby attachment. Childbirth without technical intervention can succeed in leading to a good outcome for mother and child, according to a new report. (Take our maternity-care quiz to test your knowledge:  “Evidence-Based Maternity Care: What It Is and What It Can Achieve”).

Co-authors Carol Sakala and Maureen P. Corry of the nonprofit Childbirth Connection analyzed hundreds of the most recent studies and systematic reviews of maternity care. The 70-page report was issued collaboratively by Childbirth Connection, the Reforming States Group (a voluntary association of state-level health policymakers), and Milbank Memorial Fund, and released on Oct. 8, 2008.

OVERUSE OF HIGH-TECH MEASURES

The report found that, in the U.S., too many healthy women with low- risk pregnancies are being routinely subjected to high-tech or invasive interventions that should be reserved for higher-risk pregnancies. Such measures include:

• Inducing labor. The percentage of women whose labor was induced more than doubled between 1990 and 2005

• Use of epidural painkillers, which might cause adverse effects, including rapid fetal heart rate and poor performance on newborn assessment tests

• Delivery by Caesarean section, which is estimated to account for one-third of all U.S births in 2008, which far exceed the World Health Organization’s recommended national rate of 5 to 10 percent

• Electronic fetal monitoring, unnecessarily adding to delivery costs

• Rupturing membranes (“breaking the waters”), intending to hasten onset of labor

• Episiotomy, which is often unnecessary. 

In fact, the current style of maternity care is so procedure-intensive that 6 of the 15 most common hospital procedures used in the entire U.S. are related to childbirth. Although most childbearing women in this country are healthy and at low risk for childbirth complications, national surveys reveal that essentially all women who give birth in U.S. hospitals have high rates of use of complex interventions, with risks of adverse effects.

The reasons for this overuse might have more to do with profit and liability issues than with optimal care, the report points out.

Hospitals and care providers can increase their insurance reimbursements by administering costly high-tech interventions rather than just watching, waiting, and shepherding the natural process of childbirth.

Convenience for health care workers and patients might be another factor. Naturally occurring labor is not limited to typical working hours. Evidence also shows that a disproportionate amount of tech- driven interventions like Caesarean sections occur during weekday “business hours,” rather than at night, on weekends, or on holidays.

UNDERUSE OF HIGH-TOUCH, NONINVASIVE MEASURES

Many practices that have been proven effective and do little to no harm are underused in today’s maternity care for healthy low-risk women. They include:

• Prenatal vitamins

• Use of midwife or family physician

• Continuous presence of a companion for the mother during labor

• Upright and side-lying positions during labor and delivery, which are associated with less severe pain than lying down on one’s back

• Vaginal birth (VBAC) for most women who have had a previous Caesarean section

• Early mother-baby skin-to-skin contact.

The study suggests that those and other low-cost, beneficial practices are not routinely practiced for several reasons, including limited scope for economic gain, lack of national standards to measure providers’ performance, and a medical tradition that doesn’t prioritize the measurement of adverse effects, or take them into account.

Please go to the link to access the article, and please pass this information.  Let’s change the climate of childbirth in this country!

Thanks to you all,

Carrie

Is It Too Late?

Posted on by
10

I have had several mothers call me lately who are feeling what I call “the Waldorf guilt”.  They are looking, in most cases, at very verbal and sometimes physically aggressive 5 and 6 year old little girls and wondering if it is too late to start the Waldorf lifestyle with their little ones.  They feel the way they parented their children before may not have been as age and developmentally appropriate as it could have been.

First of all, please be very  easy with yourself if you find yourself in this situation.  We all are the best parents we can be with the information we have at the time.  Forgive yourself for any perceived inadequacies and move on.

Second, I would say it is never too late for the healing benefits of Waldorf.  However, I do think this takes sincere effort, planning, and change within the family.

Here are some thoughts that I think may be helpful if  you are trying to “switch” to a Waldorf  lifestyle for the benefit of your child’s health or to work with a very head-oriented child under the age of 7 or 8:

1.  Start small with consistent naptimes, bedtimes, and meal times.  Think foods made with your own hands and foods that are not far removed from what they really are….a whole apple as opposed to processed apple Pop-Tarts.  Think about the amount of sugar, dyes, additives your children are ingesting and work hard to limit those substances.

2.  Think about the concept of warmth.  I find many of these over-active, over-talkative little beings have a severe problem with lack of warmth, both intuitively from the family in an emotional or spiritual sense,  and also perhaps needing more physical warmth. 

For emotional or spiritual warmth:  If you meditate or pray, can you do that over your child after they go to sleep at night?  Soul warmth and energy flow there.   Can you laugh with your child, have fun, smile with your children?  Instead of all those words, how about a hug, a smile, a kiss?

If you feel your child needs more physical warmth, can you think about woolens for under their clothes, warm coats, hats, mittens?  Layering?  Does your child need more warmth in whatever space you have – warm colors in their room, layered rugs, curtains? 

3.  The very verbal child  under the age of 7 needs a parent who can stop talking to the child.  Lots of “Hhmm, I wonder that as well” kinds of comments, as opposed to the Doctoral Thesis on whatever the child is asking about.  Get your partner on board!  This is so important, and necessary.  If your partner is rather analytical, talk about the concept of doing the right thing at the right time.  You are not withholding knowledge of the world to the detriment of the small child, but rather waiting to bring it in at the right time when the child can process it well.  You are providing information in the right way in the right amount for the child’s age.

4.  I find for the most part the things that these children have said in the past has been given entirely too much weight.  I am not saying to ignore what your child says, or to ignore how your child says they feel!  But what I am saying is that YOU have to start to distinguish between is this random comment one that you should give weight to as a mother and then act upon or is it just that – a very random comment?  In this day and age and in our society we often take our children far too seriously about small things, (and probably not seriously enough about big things as they get older).

5.  This child needs HOURS a day outside to just be, and than a balancing of that with an activity that provides them quiet.  Have arts and crafts ready, woodworking, cooking projects, storytelling at the ready for these special, intimate moments.

6.  No media.  No media at all during this transformation.  No screens.   And model good behavior by cutting down on your screen time…can you do it?

7.  Plan some fun FAMILY activities with you, your partner, your child, siblings.  Sometimes these often serious and tense children need to see that, indeed, the family can have fun and laugh together.  It does not have to be something over the top and expensive – plan something like going hiking, roller skating, ice skating, planting a garden together, star watching.  Also do some projects around the house together so your child can see how a family works and plays together.

9. After you have a small rhythm going for the day –to -day kinds of things and weekly things, do start looking at festivals within the year.  (And if you need help with rhythm please do hit the rhythm tag in the tags box and all those posts will come up).    Not every family who celebrates festivals  celebrates religious ones, but Steiner did talk quite a bit about the importance of a spiritual life for the child.  Think about your own spiritual leanings and investigate this.   If you have no spiritual leanings at all, why not?  Perhaps a tradition completely different than the one you were raised with will speak to you.     Perhaps this is the inner work you are being called to do at this time. 

10.  Start working within yourself to be the change for the things you want to see in your family.  You set the tone for things in your family, you have a choice as to how you respond to things.  You don’t need to nag your partner about all this, but instead model, show, demonstrate, love.

Just a few thoughts to ponder,

Carrie

The Fabulous Five –Year -Old!

Posted on by
17

Five-year-olds are rather interesting to me.  Many mothers lament from reading the Gesell Institute books that while the young five-year-old should be in this “golden period”, their child is decidedly not.  A five-year-old closer to turning six may also be in a bit of disequilibrium as well.  Five is an age that I feel deserves a closer look beyond the whole “this is a golden age” view……

Let’s take a look at typical characteristics of the young five year old, according again to our friends at The Gesell Institute:

  • Typically enjoys life and looks on the sunny side.
  • Wants to do everything “just right.”
  • Mother is the center of the child’s world again- many five-year-olds would rather stay in the house with Mother than go out to play with friends.
  • Typically loves his house, his street, his neighborhood.
  • Does not especially want new and different.
  • This is typically seen as one of those “golden ages” of childhood development where the child is in a state of harmony.
  • If your child is a young five and not in a state of harmony, do not despair.  I have found that for many children, the disequilibrium that seems to accompany four can take until a child is five and a quarter to really work out.  I happily refer you to my posts regarding “Peaceful Life With a Four-Year-Old” and “Fantastic Four-Year-Old!”.  They will help you sort out some things that may be helpful to your young five-year-old.
  • The other thing to look at any time a child is behaving in such a way you do not love is to look to yourself and your home first.  Are you feeling calm?  What is going on in your life and in the life of your family?  Start with centering yourself.  Look at the post on this blog entitled  “Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old”   here  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/07/peaceful-life-with-a-four-year-old/  and the post before that written about the developmental characteristics of a four-year-old.  The other place to look would be in the tag section and hit the tag called “Parenting Challenges” – a prime example of this type of post that may be helpful is this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/13/smearing-peas/  and there are many,many others that may stimulate thoughts for your own personal situation.

Hang in there though, because equilibrium is coming! (At least for a little while!)

Five-and-a-half is a bit different, however.  Here are some of the developmental characteristics as listed in the Gesell Institute’s “Your Five-Year-Old” regarding the five-and-a-half-year-old:

  • Usually has a great readiness to go against what is asked or expected of him.
  • Brash, combative.
  • Can be hesitant, dawdling, indecisive or at the opposite extreme, demanding and explosive
  • May be sick quite a bit – headaches, colds, stomachaches, earaches.
  • May revert to toileting accidents.
  • Lots of tensional outlets – these are the behaviors that parents dislike such as repeatedly biting nails, head banging, increased nose picking, fidgeting, increased masturbation.
  • Restless
  • Difficulty grasping pencils, may lose visual orientation and reverse numbers or letters (Did I mention The Gesell Institute feels five is NOT a good age to teach reading or writing??)
  • May have lots of nightmares.

 

Think about living with your five-year-old with these things in mind: Rhythm, Rules, and a sense of Reverence.

Rhythm – Your rhythm should carry your day.  I cannot stress this enough.  Unless you want to be arguing all day long with your small child, you need a rhythm where you normally do this and then do that.  Think about how you want things done. If we always clean up after we play, then there is no arguing about it.  If sometimes mommy cleans up, sometimes we clean up together, sometimes friends help clean up and sometimes they don’t, then we are in for some trouble.  So, spend some time looking at your daily activities and what needs to happen before and after these activities to make life enjoyable for all.

Rules – Keep your rules simple – think of them as skills and behaviors that children that are trying to learn and master rather than these things where bad things happen when you cannot control your child.  Think about phrasing them very simply, generally, and positively.

Reverence – Look for moments when you can instill in your child a sense of reverence for the beauty in every day; those moments where you stop and look at something outside, those moments where you can all sing together; those moments where you stop to pray or meditate or have a moment of silence before a meal.  Think about the way you approach your own tasks – is it trying to get through the task as quickly as possible, or is it approaching the task that nourishes your family is undertaken with loving kindness?

Keep looking to yourself and your own habits.  Review your own negative habits; do you nag, berate, command, dominate, yell, shame or punish your child when it might be helpful to find positive alternatives?  Can you be calm and help your child physically follow through in a peaceful way with whatever you asked him or her to do?

Yours in Peace,

Carrie

Potty Training With Love

Posted on by
4

 

In the book “Child Behavior:  The Classic Child Care Manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development”, the authors Francis Ilg, Louise Bates Ames,  and Sidney M. Barker write, “Do not be disappointed if your boy or girl lags behind this schedule.  Probably in no field of child behavior are individual differences greater than with regard to toilet-training.  Probably in no field are parents more impatient.”

If this is you, and you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, wanting to “teach” your child to stay dry at night …..take a deep breath and slow down.  Potty training is slow, patient work.  It takes time, and it can take quite a while before the child truly has no more “accidents”. 

Take your time, and look at your own mindset first.  It is not worth trying to speed up your child’s control, which is a PHYSIOLOGICAL process, through humiliation and anger (which I unfortunately hear of many parents doing).  Do not be this.  You still are establishing connection and a loving relationship with your small child.  Think how you would want to be treated if you were having a problem with urinary or fecal incontinence.  Think about when you get elderly how you would like your child to treat  you.

This may help you:

First of all, did you all know that there are physiological milestones regarding bladder and bowel control?  Many parents seem to not know this, and are surprised to find times when their child has increased urinary incontinence, for example. These were compiled by our friends at the Gesell Institute, and comes from a traditional (not elimination communication) standpoint, but it may still be helpful to you:

Normal Milestones in Bladder Control

1 year-  possible dryness after nap, intolerance of wetness, may cry until changed

15 months – may like to sit on toilet but may resist at other times, points to pride at puddles if has accident, placement on toilet may stimulate a withholding of urine and removal off of toilet may stimulate a release of urine

18 months- can respond with nod of head if asked if wants to use potty, may ask to use potty, may feel shame at accidents

21 months – reports accidents and points at them, usually tells after wetting but sometimes before

2 years- better urinary control, no resistance to routines, can verbalize toileting needs fairly consistently, may go into bathroom and pull down pants

2 ½ years- urinary retention span lengthening to about five hours, may have difficulty initiating release, may stop and then resume within act of urinating, may have difficulty initiating the release

3 years – can have toileting routine, most have few accidents, may be dry all night (or may not!), girls may try to use the toilet standing up

4 years – may insist on taking over own routine, may lose urinary control at night around four

5 years – may need reminders to go to bathroom, few daytime accidents and only occasional nighttime accidents, less reporting to Mother, may awaken for night toileting and report to parents, may see increase in nighttime bedwetting ages 5 ½ to 6 years

6 years – few accidents if any, if accidents occur child is disturbed by them, may need reminder to use bathroom before going out to play

Normal Milestones in Bowel Control

15 to 21 months – some children may smear their stools outside of a diaper, especially at end of nap

18 to 21 months – temporary diarrhea

2 ½ years and between ages 5 and 6 – constipation typical

COMMON CONCERNS

  • – 3 to 4 year old who is not potty trained for bowel movements (usually boys). If you can figure out if there is a pattern to the bowel movements (for example, a certain time of day when this is likely to occur), you can try stripping your child naked around that time and bringing him to the bathroom.  Also talk to your pediatrician regarding this behavior if it persists.  Some children also go through another period of withholding bowel movements around ages 5 to 6.
  • – Bedwetting  – check and see if your child is dry after a  nap, if your child is not dry after a nap  it may be expecting quite a lot for your child to be dry all night.  Many normal children are 5 or 6 years old before nighttime dryness is well-established.  Some children are as old as 8.    A mother should know her child is very vulnerable at the stage of being an older child who cannot yet stay dry at night; do not make it worse by shaming your child!!  Please discuss this with your pediatrician.
  • – Not dry in daytime by age 3 or 4 (usually boys).  Rule out any physical cause of decreased bladder control first, and then be patient.  Stop thinking your child is “old enough to get this”.  Pick the time of day when your child is likely to be dry and get him to the toilet so he can have some success.
  • – Difficulty staying dry during play (also usually between ages 3 and 4 and usually also affects boys more than girls).  You may have to interrupt his play every  half hour or hour to have him come and use the toilet. 
  • – Wetting in school, usually during kindergarten or first grade

Still normal bathroom behavior…

2 year old’s fascination with animal feces, although this may be because the parents have made too big a deal  out of his own functioning (Gesell Institute’s words, not mine, before you start sending me irrate comments!)

3 year old girl’s attempt to urinate standing up

4 year old’s excessive interest in other people’s bathrooms

4 year old and 6 year old’s name calling related to toileting

From Barbara Coloroso’s Kids Are Worth IT!

Are you a brickwall, jellyfish or backbone family when it comes to potty training?

A Brickwall Family – puts  pressure in the form of tangible rewards and punishments for mistakes.   Rewards for example, would be something like,  If you are dry all week, I will take you to get ice cream.  Stickers everytime they use the potty, things like that.

Punishment is emotional abuse, verbal disapproval, humiliation, comparing, withholding of love and affection, threats of physical punishment.  This is not a productive way to approach potty training.  Urine release and bowel movements are normal physiological functions that require physiological maturity, just as learning to ride a bike requires physical maturity.

A Jellyfish Family –turns process of potty training over to daycare provider, inconsistency in potty training – For example, the child is reminded to go sometimes but sometimes not, or told to hold it until she gets home or just go in the diaper if it is inconvenient to find a potty. May not be excited about potty training until child has to be potty trained to attend school.

A Backbone Family –  prepares, practices and has patience!

Prepare – Look at child and developmental level, have a potty chair, easy to manage outfits, lots of toilet paper, a stepstool and a supply of diapers on hand.

Practice – It takes many times to get it right.  Do NOT get upset with your child.  They are immature, they are learning.

Patience – the power or capacity to endure without complaint something difficult.  Potty training may not be your personal favorite part of childhood development, but please be patient with your little one.  They are trying, they want to do it right.  Be kind!!

Barbara writes, “Remember, it is her own body and she will learn to control it in her own time and in her own way – She just needs your help, guidance and support!”

Yours in Kindness,

Carrie

Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old

Posted on by
7

(Carrie’s note:  Links to some other posts about the four-year-old: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/03/more-about-the-four-year-old/   and   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/04/fantastic-four-year-old/   .  There are many, many more posts regarding the four-year-old in the tags under “the four year old” or “Children Under 7” and “Waldorf Kindergarten.”  There is also a post regarding weaning children over the age of 4.  Hope that helps!)

We have recently looked at the traditional developmental view of a four-year-old.  Edmond Schoorel sums up a Waldorf Education view of the Early Years nicely in his introduction to “The First Seven Years:  Physiology of Childhood”  by writing this:

“The child’s first seven years stand out because of the child’s vitality and potential for growth during this time.  Everything children learn and develop during these seven years is transient.  Children need to think, but only to develop a capacity and not because they need to apply it.  They learn to walk but only for pleasure and not because they need to go where life takes them.  Children learn to play, but only for the fun of it, so that later they may be able to play the challenges of life.  It is characteristic of the first seven years that they are germinal and that they are very precious.  This unique quality may get lost when parents, educators, and other caregivers think that young children have to learn because they need the content of this knowledge later in life.”

So how do I live peacefully with a four-year-old?

The four-year-old should be living in their physical body.  This would include for a four-year-old copious amounts of time outside, and many sensory types of activities – games that involve crawling, rolling.  Experiences such as kneading, grinding wheat, play with different textures, jumping, climbing up and down stairs.  Schoorel mentions if you ask a child of this age to do something consciously, they will become clumsy and awkward.  Make your games of movement with practical work or couched in fantasy.

-The idea that a four-year-old needs to be moving really ties in well to the view of the “out of bounds” four-year-old held in traditional development.  A four-year-old who is out of bounds verbally and physically needs to get their energy out everyday.  If you are having significant trouble with your four-year-old, check out your rhythm and how much activity it includes first.

-A four and a half year old may be starting to play “let’s pretend”.  Encourage this in your home through the use of costumes, dolls, puppets and other props.  Think about how to arrange your child’s toys into inviting scenarios they will want to play with.  There are several posts on this blog regarding fostering creative play (see the tags section; you can click on any subject over there and all the posts written with that tag will come up) that have more ideas regarding this important subject.

-While play is the work of the small child, please do let your child participate in your work at this age.  Find the ways that they can help you; most four-year-olds love to help wash or polish things, to try to sweep the floor or the patio,  to put away silverware or other small tasks.

– Your four-year-old may enjoy simple fingerplays and verses at this time revolving around the seasonal changes.  Your local library most likely has a wonderful collection of these fingerplays.  Lighting a candle and having a few fingerplays, songs and even a short story may be a new thing to add to your daily rhythm with a four-year-old.  There are suggestions for stories under the fairy tale tag on this blog.

-Many four-year-olds will start to like the very simple fairy tales.  If you feel your child is not ready for some of the more simple fairy tales (for suggestions, please hit fairy tales or oral storytelling in the tag section of this blog for posts on these subjects), try simple nature stories that you make up, gardening stories, sweet seasonal stories by Suzanne Down (www.junipertreepuppets.com).

As far as gentle discipline for the four-year-old:

-I know I sound like a broken record to so many of you, but start with yourself and the tone you are setting in your home.  Are you requiring “right action” not through punishment, but just by holding the space? 

-Are you talking too much, explaining too much, and giving too many choices?  Gentle discipline books often say small choices for small people, but many four-year-olds are rather overwhelmed and overburdened by having to make any choices hardly at all.  They would rather that you lay out the clothes they would wear, they would rather you sing a song and take them to the bathroom instead of you asking, “Do you need to go potty?”, they would rather have a simple breakfast of your choosing.  Making less decisions frees them up to play!

-Have you checked and double checked the amount of time you are spending outside and  your rhythm?  Does your rhythm include times of out-breath (active) and times of in-breath (inward)?

-Steiner felt that only starting in the fifth year would the child start to have some inkling of right or wrong.  So check yourself, are you expecting way too much out of your four-year-old?  I think it was Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool Resources (www.christopherushomeschool.org) who always said  the age of  four  is a good age for sitting on laps!  They are still small!!

-Set your limits in a loving way and follow through. If your child is doing something to harm himself, harm others, or harm your property, he must be re-directed.  Also try Barbara Patterson’s “magic word”  from her book “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge: Nurturing Our Children From birth to seven”, written with Pamela Bradley.  The word is MAY.    She gives the example, “You may hang up your coat here.”  Clear, direct, polite. 

-Be calm, think peaceful energy.  Do not ignore the negative behavior until it just pushes you right over the edge!

-Barbara Patterson talks about how the cure for violent play is REAL WORK. Repetitive work. I think this also goes back to outside time :  what can the children do in a repetitive manner outside?  Can they roll down a hill over and over?  Can they dig holes?  Can they drag wood around?  Fill a cart with something heavy and let them push and pull it around.  Can they do water play outside?  Can pouring be a soothing activity?  Can they take a hand sifter and sift something over and over?  Flour is not that expensive!  Can you fill something up with rice and beans and pasta shapes and pour it?  Can they grind chalk into “sugar”?  Can the children take water and a paintbrush and paint the house, the fence, the sidewalk?

Four can be a delightful age if you are prepared and thinking about ways to channel a four- year -old’s energy and expansiveness. Hopefully this quick view of traditional and anthroposophical development has been helpful to you as you plan the best ways to meet your four-year-old’s needs.

Yours till next time,

Carrie

Fantastic Four Year Old!

Posted on by
7

Those fantastic four-year-olds!  Many mothers report four was a great year for them; other mothers have reported that their child did not seem to go through the upheaval of three-and-a-half and instead hit a turbulent phase at four!

Let’s take a quick look at the traditional view of the four-year-old, as discussed by our friends at the Gesell Institute in the book “Your Four-Year-Old”:

Four Years of Age – Traditional Development

  • Swearing, boasting, out of bounds behavior
  • Joyous, exuberant, energetic, ready for anything!
  • Like increased privacy regarding going to the bathroom
  • May see sex play, exhibitionism   (may also come up again at age six)
  • Boastful, bossy
  • Expansive, sure of himself
  • Adores new people, places, things
  • Extreme emotions – love and hate
  • Very speedy, does things once and moves on to the next thing
  • Out of bounds speech (“I will cut you up”  “I will put you in the garbage”)
  • Four’s may need loving limits even if they have not needed a lot of limits before
  • Can be very aggressive with siblings and get along better with almost anyone than a younger sibling; should not be trusted alone with a baby

SUGGESTION : Avoid moral judgments as to your child’s behavior at this age – lying, swearing, exaggerating is a hallmark of age 4

Another generality:  Gesell Institute suggests NOT trying to teach a 4 year old to read –(to which all the Waldorf folks out there are nodding their heads!)

Try to enjoy the good things about this age!

Four and A Half Years of Age – Traditional Development

  • Usually a bit more self-motivated,
  • Better able to stand frustration
  • Emotions still uncertain
  • May be less easily shifted with distraction
  • Starting to be aware of “good and bad”
  • Some four and a half year olds can be very demanding, persistent
  • May be less easy to distract with humor than in earlier ages
  • Unpredictable
  • Typically a gradual transition into the self-contained age that is five

Other Areas in the Four-Year-Old Year

  • Friendship-  is typically strong at this age per the Gesell Institute book
  • Eating – can feed themselves completely except for cutting
  • May talk incessantly during meals, may become restless during meals, may have to use the bathroom during meals
  • Most sleep well; may need to use the bathroom
  • May still nap, but majority of four-year-olds are done napping
  • Most children are dry during the day and can manage going to the bathroom alone; not unusual for them to be wet at night
  • Usually bowel movement are also in a routine pattern; boys may possibly not want to have their bowel movement in the toilet
  • Transitions may be easier than before

     Common Tensional Outlets (From Gesell Institute book “Child Behavior”)

  • Thumb-sucking to go to sleep
  • Running away, kicking, spitting, biting fingernails, picking nose, facial grimacing
  • Calls people names, boasts, brags, uses silly language
  • Nightmare and fears
  • Needs to use the bathroom when excited
  • May complain of pain in stomach and actually vomit during times of stress

HEALTH:

  • May knock out front teeth if falls
  • May have many colds during the winter
  • May have “accidents” during times of emotional stress

COMMON FEARS:

  • Sirens, fire engines, other auditory fears
  • The dark
  • Wild animals
  • Mother leaving, going out at night is a common fear

REGARDING BABIES

  • Asks where babies come from
  • May believe that a baby grows inside Mommy, but may also believe a baby comes from a store and is bought
  • Asks how baby gets out;  may think baby comes out through the mother’s umbilicus

REACTION TO DEATH

Per Gesell Institute:

  • Unless it is a well-loved pet or a parent, the child may have a very limited reaction
  • Notion of death is extremely limited
  • By 5 may understand more the concept that “death is the end”
  • “With some exceptions, most preschoolers are not ready for anything but the most simple explanations of death.  Unless it is someone very close to him and someone much loved who dies, concern about the event may be mild.”
  • In the book “Child Behavior” there is a good section regarding talking to children about death.  They recommend the book “Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child” by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman.  If anyone has experience with this book, please do leave it in the comment section to share with our community.

There are also sections in this book regarding the young child and adoption, discussing the idea of a deity if that is pertinent to your family, divorce.  Very helpful.

Regarding Discipline:

  • Try to let some of the out-of-bounds behavior go
  • Utilize a four’s sense of adventure and love of movement  as you re-direct (Hhmm, this sounds like a Waldorf technique!)
  • Try fantasy to help direct things along (hhmm, this also sounds like a Waldorf technique)

 

Let’s look at an anthroposophical view of the four-year-old in our next post, and some Waldorf ways of dealing with the small child to guide behavior.

Weaning With Love

Posted on by
10

These are some thoughts I had compiled in my files regarding weaning, and thought it might help other mothers.

Some Opening Thoughts Regarding Weaning

  • “Ideally the breastfeeding relationship should continue until the baby outgrows the need.” –The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, page 233
  • All children wean eventually!
  • Once a child has his or her first bite of solid food, the child is weaning!
  • “While many people see weaning as the end of something – a taking away or a deprivation- it’s really a positive thing, a beginning, a wider experience. It’s a broadening of a child’s horizons, an expansion of his universe. It’s moving ahead slowly one careful step at a time. It’s full of exciting but sometimes frightening new experiences. It’s another step in growing up.”   The Womanly art of Breastfeeding, page 237
  • “Every natural weaning is unique so it is impossible to guarantee anything about it except that it will happen.” – Norma Jean Bumgarner in Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.

Be Clear That Weaning is NOT Recommended Due To:

  • The mother is feeling overwhelmed taking care of her baby.  Please talk to your health care provider regarding the possibility of post-partum depression, anxiety, or other health care needs.  Also please contact your local La Leche League Leader to assist you in suggestions or considerations regarding homemaking and care of a baby.
  • The baby’s teeth begin to erupt; baby is biting at the breast.
  • The mother is planning to return to work
  • The mother is prescribed a drug or needs to undergo a diagnostic test – MOST drugs and diagnostic tests ARE compatible with breastfeeding.  Check with your health care provider and your local La Leche League leader.
  • Mother or baby is ill/hospitalized
  • The mother is pregnant and the pregnancy is a normal, singleton pregnancy  — if you are in a high-risk pregnancy situation and need to wean, please contact your nearest local La Leche League Leader to assist you.
  • The American Academy of Pediatrics  receommends breastfeeding for at least 12 months and as long after this point as is mutually desirable,
  • The World Health Organization  recommends breastfeeding for at least two years.

 

The Natural Age of Weaning, as based upon criteria used to estimate other mammals’ natural weaning age, such as weight gain, relationship to adult body size, relationship to gestational length, and age of eruption of permanent teeth, Dettwyler estimated an appropriate age for human weaning to be between three and seven years.  –Katherine A Dettwyler, an anthropologist at Texas A & M University.  Please see the post on this blog regarding Benefits of Extended Breastfeeding for further information and resources.

Some Thoughts to Consider About Weaning:

First, check to see how you honestly feel about nursing:

“If a mother feels uncertain or unhappy about encouraging weaning, she is also likely to feel sad when weaning is complete.”  (I cannot find where I got this quote from, I suspect The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding or Mothering Your Nursing Toddler).

On the other hand, encouraging your older child to wean does not mean your child will be affected negatively. And y while your relationship may change, you don’t need to feel you have lost touch with your child just because you have weaned.

Weaning often takes quite a bit of time, patience, energy, and ability to come up with distractions BEFORE nursing is asked for – are you in a place where you are up to the job??

 

Second, look for signs that your child is ready for delays in nursing:

  • Your child is at least one year old if not older
  • Your child is eating a variety of foods
  • Your child is very secure in his relationship with you
  • Your child has begun to accept other ways of being comforted
  • Your child can be reasoned with about not nursing at certain times or in certain places
  • Your child can fall asleep and/or go back to sleep without nursing
  • Your child shows little anxiety when gently encouraged not to nurse
  • Your child, when offered a choice, sometimes prefers to do something else besides nurse- like play with you or read a book!
  • The most appropriate guideline to use past one year is do not offer, do not refuse. However, this is rather black and white sounding when you read it in a book. There may be times with an older child that you feel you must refuse or you will go insane. Or there may be times where it is the best thing to offer to nurse. If you nurse begrudgingly, the child may react fearfully and demand more and more nursing. Weaning, like everything else in parenting, takes a lot of time and attention. Be respectful of your own feelings regarding nursing, and your child’s feelings regarding nursing – you are in a partnership!

 

Weaning happens easily when your child’s need for emotional sustenance through breastfeeding has been fulfilled and he no longer relies solely on breastfeeding to feel calm and secure.

If You Decide You Want To Cut Back On Number of Nursings A Day –(Parent Led Actions)

Weaning is basically done by substituting other kinds of food and loving care at the times you would usually be nursing.

Take your time with weaning and go slowly.

Weaning takes time and care – nursing is not only for food, but also for comfort and closeness and love.

“You’ll need to double up on your cuddling, rocking, hugs, and kisses throughout the day to make up for this.” The WAB, page 238.

Offer lots of drinks of water to quench thirst

Offer lots of foods that are high in protein and nutritious in other ways to compensate for the nutrients no longer received in your milk.

Go out of your way to make the time you are not nursing is happy

Have your partner take over putting the child to sleep and when the child wakes up in the night if that is possible at all.

You may need to avoid the situations in which the child is accustomed to nursing

BE FLEXIBLE!!

Other techniques moms have used:

Substitution/Distraction –food and drink, books, involvement in daily chores, being prepared with fun activities prior to them asking to nurse, total, focused attention from the mother, invite other children over to play, get out more vs. staying at home more if child is stressed being out, find new ways to touch your child,

Negotiating Limits/delaying nursing

When children ask to nurse when they are bored – distract before they ask

A weaning child needs a lot of love and support in other ways

Stay on your feet!  Literally!

Change your routine

Shorten nursings

Restrict nursings to certain times or places

Offer a weaning party (this works best with a much older nursling, such as a four or five year old who is already not nursing very frequently).

Be On the Alert for Signs Weaning is not going well:

If child is feeling insecure, anxious, behavioral problems begin to show

Too many changes at once

A child who is not willing to accept substitutes for nursing is telling you she is not ready to wean yet

Engorgement or mastitis

Exhaustion

Anger and resentment on part of mother that it is not going fast enough

When weaning becomes a power struggle it is time to step back a bit.

 

Hope this is helpful to someone; please leave your comments in the comment section so we can all share in community.  Thank you!

Waldorf and Attachment Parenting: The Mini Rant

Posted on by
13

Wow!  I have had not one, not two, but three mothers who are raising their children according to the tenets of Attachment Parenting tell me that they did NOT chose a Waldorf-inspired education for their child as it was not “child-centered” enough, it did not seem respectful of the child,  and it was not “democratic” enough.  They are currently searching for schooling methods that are learning toward democracy and equality in the family.

I understand their concerns, and thought this was interesting as we consider ourselves an attached family – we breastfeed for years, co-sleep for years, practice gentle discipline,  seek to put respect and empathy at the core of dealing  with our children – and we have always considered Waldorf to be EXTREMELY compatible with this type of parenting.  No where in “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” or “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge” or in “Heaven to Earth” is there mention of spanking, or yelling or treating a child with anything but respect, warmth, love and delight.  . I have not read of all of Rudolf Steiner’s works yet, (which total something like 400 lectures and 40 books) but so far all I have seen mention of  is the notion that the under 7 child is one to be protected, delighted in, respected, and worked with within his or her physical body.  On the other hand, the small child is not asked to comment on the state of the world or to plan the day for the classroom either.

To me, this boils down to if you believe in Steiner’s seven year cycles and if they mesh with your view of childhood development.  Do you believe that while a child under the age of 7 COULD learn all kinds of things, be involved in all kinds of family decisions and situations but  perhaps they SHOULD NOT  be when they are under the age of 7 for their own health and well-being?  Do you perhaps, like me, view the making of children into small adults in our society as a by-product from our  society where we are more fast-paced, more stressed, and where American children are involved in more scheduled activities than ever before in history because there is no time for the children to be children?  Do you really believe the American child has “evolved” and now is a higher organism than any other child at any other point in history to now have adult understanding at the age of 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7?

I recently got a book entitled “Black Ants and Buddhists” which is about teaching within a model of democracy, peace and thinking critically in as early as in  the first and second grade.  These kids tackled things such as deconstructing the story of Columbus, touching on the slave trade, looking at homelessness and social programs – lots of different subjects that are not tackled until later within the Waldorf framework.  I wondered if these very small children, who just about sixty years ago in this country would have been having a half day of first grade followed by a nap, would understand these subjects or would they just become factoids within their brains?  How much do you remember from your early years of education? How much do you remember from your early  family life?   I often feel ashamed I do not remember more of my mother, who died when I was eight years old.  My neighbor, whose father died when she was 12, also says she has very few memories of her father and also wonders why we do not remember more from when we are little. If we cannot really remember important personal memories of  such individual life-changing events, are we really going to understand something as impersonal, far-away and  multi-faceted as Columbus and the treatment of the Native Americans who were here when we are only  six and seven years old?  Is is respectful to act like the children understand and are  ready to hear the sins of humanity?

Waldorf treats children in a respectful manner that coincides with the appropriate developmental stage of the child according not only to anthroposophical childhood development, but also traditional development as seen by Piaget and as recorded in the Gesell Institute books.  So where do these attached  mothers feel that it is falling apart for them?  I thought about this at length.  Attachment Parenting does not mean that you and your child are equals – hopefully you do have more experience and guidance to bring to the table at this point!  It seems as if many, (not all),  attachment parents are rather afraid to be a parent that sets down anything contrary to what the child wants,  in some ways,  in fear that it will damage the bond they have with their child.   Treating the child will respect does not equate to equality, nor does it equate to the child having a vote in every family issue.

To me, being a respectful parent does not only involve meeting your child’s needs, and some of the things they want, but introducing the right thing at the right time within the developmental cycles.  Many parents  worry about what their relationship with their child will look like as the child grows.  I worry that if we treat our small under the age of 7 child as an adult, then  what  will the parent-child relationship will look like in the teenaged years?    Perhaps it would be more respectful to the child to exude confidence in the decisions that the family makes and that the family does include and think about the child.  Perhaps the things that build a strong family and lead children strongly from chilldhood into functional adulthood are things that may or may not involve the child – a child-inclusive household, but not necessarily completely a  child-centered one – this may include seeing work around the house, going outside and being in nature, and having the  parents have a intimate, loving relationship so the child has a model of a marriage.   The adult does and should have responsibilities above and beyond a small child.  The adult has needs and wants that may be above and beyond that of a small child’s needs and wants.  We are not equal in so many ways.

To me, Waldorf  does mean your child’s thoughts, and feelings are heard and respected, but within the context of the whole family; and this is also the crux of Attachment Parenting.  The very best attachment parenting practices involve balance within the family for the parents and the children’s needs; this is also at the heart of many models of democratic living with children.  Just the way that Waldorf accomplishes this is often through different means.  It does not equate that the best way to be an attached family  is to let your child’s voice be the main voice in the family that is heard.  Your child’s voice can still be heard strongly within your family because you are the parents, because you are the ones who know your child best, and you can ascertain many things without talking your child’s ear off about things.  Just as you read your infant’s cues as an attached parent, you can still read your child’s cues now that they are 4, 5, 6, and even 7. 

The thing that bothered me in many of the positive discipline books (because, let’s face it – after the pregnancy and childbirth books, the breastfeeding books, the solid food books,  comes the positive discipline books for many first-time parents) was the belief and treatment of all children, no matter what the age, should be spoken to the same and the discipline techniques should be the same.  I believe in the seven year cycles that Steiner set forth:  that the first seven years are for the body, with a protection of the intellect, the next seven years are for the feeling life of the child with an emphasis on beauty, developing a relationship to the cultural morals that make us a society, stories with good morals and good people, art, music, religion, spirituality, doing!  – with the last seven years heading into reasoning, critical and independent thinking.  Why are we trying to rush through these natural stages by treating a two, three or four year old like a fourteen year old?  Is it not more respectful to the small child to set a rhythm to the day that involves real work for the child to imitate, stories and music and singing and art, cooking experiences, whole body experiences instead of burdening the small  child under the age of 7  with attempts to think like a fourteen year old?   

Is Waldorf disrespectful to a small child because it does not provide the child the space to make decisions all day long?  My thought is that it may be important to consider how decision- making can burden a small child, pull them into their heads early and therefore compromise their physical bodies for the rest of their lives, teach them a lot of verbal games early and take away the protection  and beauty of life we are trying to provide for those first seven years.   Is Waldorf disrespectful to the child because the rhythm may be set by the parent with the child in mind, but also the needs of the family?  I think the child needs to see a beautiful family, a functioning family that involves work and parents who love one another and are committed to each other and the well-being of the whole family.  This gives the child something to grow into.  It is difficult when the child is small and there are few boundaries when you are attachment parenting as the child is with you 24/7, but as the child grows, some boundaries between child and parent become important – otherwise you have a six and seven year old who is very concerned about the financial matters of the family, whether or not the parents will have another child or not, every thought and feeling of the mother, not too mention it seems many husbands and wives are craving a little more connection by this point!  Some boundaries can be important for the whole child, and when the time is right, provide an opportunity for the child to move from being under the Madonna’s cloak of the mother  into their own growth and development.

Is Waldorf as an educational method disrespectful of the child because the curriculum is not child-led?  My thought would be that because these stories and the entire, detailed curriculum is hand-picked for the proper stage of  soul development for the child, for the HEALTH of the child, to speak to the child at that stage, to not provide the child with these stories and subjects at the proper time seems like another unfair disadvantage that has been thrust upon the child .

I know many attached parents who do not hesitate to say no to unhealthy food and provide only organic food, who provide only safe toys, natural cleaning products,  have no problem modeling good manners for their child – why would they not want an educational method that is totally built around the physical and mental health their child will attain when they are grown?    Many parents are drawn toward Attachment Parenting because of the benefits of health for the child – the benefits of feeding with love, the benefits of loving touch, the benefits of listening to your child and forming a strong bond.  And I truly believe that Waldorf is a choice that is  made for the benefit of developing the optimum  health, well-being, and morality of the child.  Perhaps Attachment Parenting and Waldorf have more in common than meets the eye.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

When Babies Cry and What We Can All Learn From the High-Needs Baby and Child

Posted on by
4

[This is a post written from an attachment parenting perspective but of course a little of my Waldorf-inspired thinking snuck in at the end!]

WHAT IS CRYING?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, published by La Leche League International:

“Your baby’s cry is meant to be disturbing, for it is his most important means of communication. Only by crying can he let you know that he needs you to help him – to come to his rescue.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small:

“The biological function of crying is to signal, and as in any signal, it has import only if it affects the recipient.”

“As most parents know, crying is not just a signal of hunger. Even in newborns, it communicates much more- the need for touch seems to be especially important; and clearly a crying baby is announcing its internal state and calling for some sort of change.”

“Crying evolved to serve the infant’s purposes: to assure protection, adequate feeding, and nurturing for an organism that cannot care for itself.:

HOW MUCH DO BABIES CRY? IS IT “REAL”?

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“The average Western infant cries twenty-two minutes per day in the first three weeks of life and thirty-four minutes per day until the end of the second month, when crying gradually decreases to fourteen minutes per day by twelve weeks.”

“Even to the casual visitor in less developed nations, it becomes apparent that babies in non-Western cultures rarely cry; I have never heard an African baby or a Balinese baby cry during my many trips to both those sides of the world. And this casual observation has been confirmed by ethnopediatric research.”

“But there is, in fact, no such thing as a fake cry. The baby is crying for engagement of some sort-for personal interaction and social contact, or because it is bored. Babies also laugh during the first month of life, which spectrographically looks more like a cry than a chuckle and is probably related to conflicting emotions or rapid shifts in state.”

CRYING AND BREASTFEEDING:

The first few days after a birth, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

Their suck is weak and they are not drawing much volume of milk

Their tummy is full of mucus from delivery.

They are experiencing difficulty with latching on.

If they are not going to the breast often enough, and showing very late signs of hunger, they may be too upset to latch.

Once the milk comes in, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

The breast is very engorged and difficult to latch-on to.

Mother has a forceful let-down or over supply that the baby is not used to.

Once breastfeeding is established, a baby may…

Have a regular fussy period, often late in the afternoon, that occurs predictably day after day.

May be fussier during growth spurts – two weeks, six weeks, three months.

DOES COLIC EXIST?

  • If a baby has long periods of hard crying and seems to be in some sort of physical discomfort for which there is no apparent reason that you or your doctor can discover, he is often said to be colicky.
  • Colic = crying at least three hours a day, three days per week, for three weeks
  • -look at keeping baby on one breast only during a two to three hour period if you believe this is an issue related to foremilk/hindmilk imbalance
  • -look at vitamins, food supplements such as brewer’s yeast, large amounts of caffeine or foods or drinks with artificial sweeteners, maternal history of cigarette smoking, or a certain food (or foods containing milk- potentially allergenic beta-lactoglobulin ) in the mother’s diet that can be making baby more uncomfortable.
  • Rule out Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) -See www.pager.org for more information regarding GERD.

A Very Few of the Many Possible Signs and Symptoms of Reflux:

  • Frequent bouts of painful crying
  • Frequent episodes of spitting up
  • Nasal regurgitation
  • Painful bursts of night waking
  • Inconsolable bouts of abdominal pain
  • Again, see www.pager.org for more details or discuss with your pediatrician.

HOW DO YOU SOOTHE A CRYING BABY?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING:

“When a baby cries, a nursing mother’s immediate instinctive response is to offer her breast. Whether it’s been ten minutes or two hours since baby was fed, a few minutes of sucking may be all he needs to settle down.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“What seems to work best is simple human contact. Peter Wolff long ago demonstrated that picking up a baby works better than anything else to stop any baby from crying.”

Also you can look at:

  • -too warm
  • -too cold
  • -something he is wearing is causing the problem – try removing all of his clothes
  • -look the baby over carefully to make sure nothing is irritating the skin
  • -if he seems too warm, try leaving him in just a shirt and diaper
  • -if the room is too chilly, try wrapping him in a soft blanket
  • -some babies feel more secure if they are wrapped up snugly, or swaddled
  • -once he is calm, offer the breast again. This time he may just nurse off to sleep
  • -If he has downed so much milk he repeatedly spits it up, and still he cries…Try holding him against your shoulder and “baby waltz”
  • -try baby in baby carrier or sling and vacuum
  • -try a drive in the car
  • – a walk outdoors
  • -a warm bath may soothe you both
  • -rocking chair
  • -some babies cry because they are overtired but they are not happy being held as they fall asleep. Try laying your baby down and talk or sing to him softly as you pat him gently.

-“Babies are sometimes fretful for reasons that no one, not even a mother, can understand. If you can’t calm your baby right away, try not to let it upset you. Your baby will always benefit from a calm, loving mother. In handling any tiny baby, you have to move slowly and gently.” from THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING.

“SOME PARENTS ARE BLESSED WITH BABIES WHO ARE NOT SO EASY…” from Dr. William Sears. These babies are otherwise known as the….

HIGH-NEEDS BABY

Features of High-Need Babies: (As listed in Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book).

“Supersensitive” – acutely aware of environment, easily bothered by changes in environment, startle easily during day and settle poorly at night, do not readily accept alternative caregivers

“I just can’t put him down” In-arms, at-breast babies

“Not a self-soother”

“Intense”

“Wants to nurse all the time”

“Awakens frequently”

“Unsatisfied, unpredictable”

“Hyperactive, hypertonic”

“Draining”

“Uncuddly”

“Demanding”

Interestingly enough, Meredith Small, author of Our Babies, Ourselves,  points out that in other cultures :…”it is assumed that personality does not form until much later in life- until the child can talk and hold a conversation, or be trained. Babies in these cultures are viewed as blank slates, personality-less beings in the process of further development. But in other cultures, especially America, many believe each person has an inborn basic nature, one that might be molded or influenced, but which is essentially persistent through time….Although people are born not as blank slates but with a certain brain chemistry and genetic complement, it is the experience of life that molds this particular personality trait or behavior is purely genetic or purely learned – everything is a mixture of both.”  [Carrie’s note: Just a thought to ponder!].

EASY BABIES: are ones that are rhythmic in their bodily functions, adaptable to new situations, mild in their responses, and mostly in a good mood.

“DIFFICULT” (Meredith Small’s word, not mine!) BABIES: irregular, slow to adapt, intensely responsive to all stimuli and generally negative in attitude.

“…the mother’s awareness becomes an intimate part of the baby’s environment, and thus an influence on the infant’s developing personality.”

Ways to Try Soothing the Fussy Baby:

-rhythmic motion

-close and frequent physical contact

-soothing sounds

-feeding baby frequently

-responding promptly to baby’s cries

-wearing your baby

In “Raising Your Spirited Child” (Carrie’s note:  This book should be required reading for all mothers and fathers, for all types of children, not just the “so-called “Spirited Ones”), Mary Sheedy Kurcinka identifies the following characteristics:

Intensity

Persistence

Sensitivity

Perceptiveness

Adaptability

Regularity

Energy

First Reaction

Mood

She talks about ‘redesigning the labels’ .  I agree with this and feel strongly you should guard your thoughts and that you should guard your words around your “high needs” child! Over the years I have spoken with so many mothers who identified their child’s traits in rather negative terms with the child right there!  Please do not send this type of labeling and energy to your child!  They understand exactly what you are saying about them!

Soothing/Calming Activities for Older Spirited Children from the wonderful book “Raising Your Spirited Child” :

Water

Imagination

Sensory Activities

Reading

Humor

Time-In

I must add here, however, that so many of Rudolf Steiner’s ideas and thoughts are applicable to the high-needs child.  The whole idea of not drawing consciousness to the child’s individuality I believe is extremely important for a high-needs child who may feel singled out by his or her parents even at an early age.  Steiner’s notion of  a parent and teacher guarding your thought and speech around a child is also paramount for this child.  The idea of establishing rhythm can also be so helpful and necessary for a high-needs child who by their very nature is irregular and therefore cannot do this themselves.  Perhaps this is another post in its entirety.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

RESOURCES

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, published by La Leche League International

The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears

Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Living With the Active, Alert Child by Linda Budd

The Gesell Institute books by Louise Bates Ames, PhD and Frances L Ilg

Peaceful Life with a Three-Year-Old

Posted on by
24

So, after we have discovered all the developmental characteristics from a traditional childhood development standpoint and also a brief look at an anthroposophical view of early childhood development, the questions begs to be asked:  How can I make my house and relationship with my child a peaceful one?

The first thing to do is to start with yourself – your own inner work, your own physical environment and your own health.  You set the tone in your home, and how you respond to your child matters.   You are an Authentic Leader in your home.  For more posts regarding being an Authentic Leader, please see the series of posts I wrote, beginning with this one:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/.  If you hit “no spanking” in the tags section, the rest of the posts in this series will come up.  This is important, as Steiner felt that the education of the small child started with the self-education of the parent, the right thoughts, the right attitude, warmth toward your small child.

Second,  take a serious look at your environment –  is there clutter that is hindering your ability to be peaceful within your own home?  Contrary to popular opinion, Waldorf education is not about having mounds of wooden toys!  Slim down your material objects, have a home for every toy, have ways to set up scenarios for play for your child.

Third, look carefully at your rhythm.  It is a fallacy in our society that three-year olds need stimulation outside of the home.  However, that being said, then you do  need a rhythm within your home in order to carry the three-year old, particularly if the three-year old has no older siblings to help carry the tone.  You will need a rhythm that could include such elements as consistent waking, nap and bedtimes, consistent meal times of warm food, storytelling, music,singing and verses throughout the day as you transition from one activity to another and celebrate the season, plenty of outside time – it is very difficult to settle down and play if you have a lot of energy!!- and time for the child to be (or not) a part of practical work.  This is the time to develop and sharpen your own skills in gardening, baking, cooking, housekeeping, laundry and ironing, knitting, puppet and toymaking.  More than anything, these are the things your child needs to see.  Your child needs to work on being in their bodies.  Stop talking and explaining so much – just do and be.  If you need help with this, please do see my post “Take My Three- Day Challenge”.

Three-year-olds need things to turn into a story, a song, a story about when you were little or they were born, a fantasy activity, a physical activity, but not scientific explanation.  There will be a time and a place for these explanations later, but the time is not now.  Logical thought is not there at age three.  Please save your logical explanations for later when the child is older; it will be so much more warmly appreciated then!

Three-year-olds are interested in being a friend and having a friend, but as we have seen in our previous post, they are not always the best at social skills.  Some would argue children need groups to develop these skills, I would argue that they will mature just fine even without a lot of interaction with their own peers.  It is interesting to me the number of mothers who have told me the pressure they have received from well-meaning family members and friends who told them that their shy child needed social interaction or school  in order to come out of their shell and by the same token their wild child needed more social interaction or school to calm down!  Children will develop well with a solid foundation of being firmly entrenched  in the home and with their own family.

If you are going to have a playdate or playgroup, please consider that a child under the age of 7 is at the height of imitative behavior, so if we have a playdate, arrive and tell the children to just “go play” they have nothing to imitate off of and therefore have difficulty getting things going.  A Waldorf playgroup is always fairly structured for this reason.   How much better to start with some singing, some seasonal verses or fingerplays, and an activity where the adults model good manners, “please” and “thank-you”, taking turns, before the children go off to play.  And please do keep the time short, a three –year old certainly does not need a playdate that stretches out for four hours!

Playdates and playgroups are inevitable really about the mothers who need to get together and talk and get support.  If there is any way you can do this in adult only time after the children go to bed or on a weekend lunch when your family can assist with watching your children, this can be so valuable.  Then the playgroup can be who it should really be about – the child.

If you have a firm rhythm, are firmly rooted in your home, and are bringing stories, music, and practical work to your child along with lots of outside time, then do be assured you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do.  If you are fostering in your child a sense of gratitude for the Earth and all her people and things, you are doing a wonderful job. 

Which, of course, does not always mean that your child will “behave”.  Many attached parents feel like failures when their children hit three or so, as the child’s sense of self and an increased need for boundaries start to come out. As a parent, you cannot count it as a “good day” if your child doesn’t cry or melt-down or not have a temper tantrum… You can count it as a “good day” if you were calm, if you helped to de-escalate the situation, if you held it together. And even then, please be easy with yourself!  Living with small children can be challenging!  This is about the path your child is taking as he or she grows and becomes their own person, this is not about you versus them.

However, the need for boundaries is there at age three.   If the child is hurting themselves or others, if the child is destroying property, if the child is just plain wild and irritating you or others – then the behavior needs to be guided.  In order to do this, you must be calm.  This is not a battle of wills, and if you as a parent think that way, you have already lost sight of what you should be doing as an Authentic Leader. 

Your child needs your calm, warm physical presence and sense of humor to help bring them back into their bodies when they are out of control.  They do not need sarcasm, judgment, guilt, bargaining, or separation to help them.  They need your warmth, your ideas for play, your smiles and hugs and love.  They don’t need a lot of explanation or adult burdens of the world.  Every child has a birthright to have his or her golden age of innocence and time of play and time of wonder.

Parenting a three-year old requires physical perseverance, emotional stability, calm words, creativity and a remembering what it is like to be small and full of wonder.  Cherish each day as your child passes through the stages; it all goes rather quickly,  even on the days when parenting seems like a repetitious, physical challenge.  On those days, call a friend and get some support; come and read the posts on this blog. I hope they are inspiring to you and give you some food for thought.  Talk with your spouse and find some time to have off for even half an hour.  Figure out between you and your spouse how all of you can be receiving enough sleep so you can be at your best.   Set the tone in your home and for your family.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world; please do pass this on to any mothers of three-year-olds that you know!

I welcome your comments and inquiries below.