Category Archives: Development

“Discipline Without Distress”: Tools for Discipline of Infants

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Yes, we are still going through this book!  I am looking forward to getting through to the end of it, though, because I have another book I really want to delve into on this blog (a surprise! :))

Today’s chapter is Chapter 7:  Discipline Tools for Baby 0-1 Years:  Attachment.  It seems difficult to some of us that we need to even discuss “discipline” of this first year of life, but since a 1994 Canadian study showed that 19 percent of US mothers spanked their children under one year of age, I guess that we must address this.  There is also an attitude, at least here in the United States, that an older  baby could be “manipulating” a mother by his or her behavior  (this one baffles me, but I hear it a lot in mainstream parenting circles, so I thought I would throw it out there!).

Author Judy Arnall writes:  “We discuss discipline tools with a baby for two reasons.  First, the baby year is a time for bonding, attachment and relationship connection; a solid concrete foundation that effective discipline is built upon.  Also, the literal interpretation of the word “discipline” means to teach.  We “teach” babies from the moment they are born, by our responsiveness and nurturing, that they are loved and cared for.” 

An older baby is  mobile and yes, often  “getting into things”.  They are gross motor driven.  They cry and fuss to make their needs known.  They may cry and you may not be able to uncover the reason at all.  They sleep, they make a lot of noise (screeching, gurgling, cooing, babbling, repetitive syllables).  They look at things, they explore things and put things in their mouth to taste them and explore them.  They also  IMITATE YOU.

Judy Arnall also reminds us of the stranger anxiety many babies experience at around eight months (usually 8 to 15 months or so).  Do not expect your baby to be happy to go to and with just anyone!  Ten months is the beginning of separation anxiety and they do not want to leave their main caregiver.  Separation anxiety can last throughout the early years, the baby has an intense need for his or her mother throughout those years.  If you meet his needs to be dependent upon you, he will feel much more secure!

The best discipline tools for a baby are BEING RESPONSIVE when a baby cries, to hold, sing, speak, love your baby with gentle words and gentle hands.  Author Judy Arnall lists the discipline tools for babies as being PARENT time-out, fulfill the baby’s needs, learn about child development, substitution,  supervision, prevention, redirection, change environment, distraction, spending time together, parenting problem-solving, holding, hugs and cuddles.  She also adds using active listening and I-statements.  I guess these tools could sound very radical to a parent who has never heard of them or knows no other ways.  Sometimes these things don’t actually come naturally to parents.  This chapter gives great examples of each of these things.

One thing the author reminds us is that up until age TEN, children need constant supervision by an adult who is engaged with them.  She also writes about the importance of prevention:   if your child is doing something due to a developmental phase, have a plan as to how you will respond to it in the future.  She talks about saying positive things to your baby, such as “I love you!” “I am so glad you are mine!”  I like that idea of that warmth and  joy and love!  So, stop complaining and replace those complaints with positive thinking and positive things to say to your child!

She writes an entire section on sleep issues and how a one-year-old has a very limited memory and almost no cognitive reasoning skills so therefore a baby cannot “manipulate” you regarding sleep.  She writes about the dangers of “crying it out” which I whole heartedly agree with.  She also writes strongly about how the first three years of a child’s life as critical for developing trust in an adult caregiver, and how it is important to respond to your child.  This is important, even at night!  Parenting does not stop at nighttime!

She asks readers to “reconsider co-sleeping” and talks about how to make a safer family bed.  I completely endorse co-sleeping if that works for your family and have written a post about it here a long time ago:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/ .  The Dr. Sears books also talk in depth about co-sleeping.  Co-sleeping does not always mean sharing a sleep surface.  For example,  it can also mean a sidecar approach with a crib or co-sleeper, or putting your king sized mattress on the floor so no one can roll off or having a bed in your room for your children.   There are many tips for safer co-sleeping on the Mothering Magazine website, Dr. Sears website (here is just one example of talking about safer cosleeping on the Sears Family website:  http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp)  and in many books.  Check it out and devise a plan that works for your baby and for your family.   

This chapter talks about many ways to soothe a crying baby – go through your mini-checklist:  illness, food, diaper, gas, clothing tags, too hot/too cold, is the baby just waking up and really needs to go back to sleep?, try motion, try white noise, try babywearing, swaddling, rocking, humming, check and see if baby is overstimulated and really just needs a dim, quiet place to calm down. 

She talks about colic, about parents taking a time out, about parental actions that build a child’s sense of security.  She has a whole section on marriage and  how having a baby affects marriage and tips for that season in marriage. 

I recommend this book over and over, and over.  Here is the Amazon link:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269482616&sr=8-1

Much love,

Carrie

The Twelve to Twenty-Two Month Old: A Traditional Perspective

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There are several posts under the “Baby and Toddler”  header that deals with toddler behavior and how to best live peacefully with a baby ages birth through three, but I thought I would highlight some traditional viewpoints of these ages again. (And whilst we have a traditional developmental perspective and realistic expectations for ages twelve months through age nine on this blog now, I still have the birth through twelve months to go!  Whew!)   We are also  going to circle around to loving guidance for the baby through age two in  several posts in the next several weeks or so.  It seems like there would not be a lot to talk about there, but since a 1994 (and yes, let’s hope that this has since  changed for the better in the past 16 years!) Canadian study showed that 19 percent of US mothers spank their under one-year-olds, I think we still have some work to do in helping mothers achieve an understanding of normal developmental behavior!!  If you need help with gentle discipline, suggestions as what to do about “defiance” and such, please do look at the “Gentle Discipline” header for a start.  There are also a lot of posts dealing with anger in parenting and just some general inspiration!

So here goes for the twelve to twenty-two month old, a traditional perspective.  Again, my main resource is “Your One-Year-Old:  12 to 24 Months” by Ames, Ilg and Haber, the Gesell Institute of Human Development.

Twelve Month Old:

  • Very lovable; friendly, sociable, typically adapts easily
  • May be creeping on hands and knees, pulling to stand, walking
  • Has pincer prehension – grasping objects between thumb and forefinger; they love to grasp and release things; they may try to stack a few blocks if you do it first
  • Baby loves an audience!  Waving bye bye, clapping, are all up there with fun things to show off for people!  Has a few words to show off as well!
  • May be down to one nap in the late morning (or not, in my experience with families!)
  • With eating of solids, may want to stand, may need toys to play with during meals
  • Tips for this stage:  you do not need a lot of toys, just time to spend with your baby and to be warm and joyful with your baby – they love to be sung to, rocked, held.
  • Your baby will also need time to explore on his or her own a bit.  Observe, but stand back a bit and let them be.  They are discovering things for themselves and don’t need you to point out every little thing for them!

Fifteen Month Old:

  • Many like to walk, and to be carried.  Sense of balance is not fully developed
  • Not especially cooperative, not especially social with other people
  • Wants what he wants when he wants it, independent,
  • May imitate household chores he has seen you do
  • Not typically interested in other children
  • Loves to empty and fill things, good at dumping things out
  • Will creep on hands and knees when in a hurry
  • Language is about a dozen words or so, although may imitate words you say inconsistently – can respond to more words than they say
  • Wants to do things for himself or herself but cannot really manage to do what they want to do
  • Motor drive is strong, tends to grab things, tries to feed himself with an upside down spoon, better at staying seated for eating but wants to self-feed and be independent
  • Typically down to one nap a day that takes place after lunch
  • Difficulty in dressing is to be expected
  • Tends to grab, scream, yell because he has strong needs that he cannot yet verbalize
  • May do well be wheeled around in a stroller for a walk or in a sling for a walk
  • Wakefulness at night common – RESPOND TO THEM! 
  • May resist bathing – try bathing together is my recommendation
  • Highest point/age for throwing things
  • Tip for this stage:  Do not press this baby too fast; neural pathways are still being laid down

 

Eighteen Month Old

  • Age of Disequilibrium – see back post here on disequilibrium: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/27/the-typical-ages-of-disequilibrium/ 
  • Easily frustrated; temper tantrums – even if you did  everything “right”, there would still be temper tantrums.  Needs a lot of gross motor outlets!
  • Wakefulness at night is common- RESPOND TO THEM!
  • Often needs help to be bodily moved rather than verbal commands.
  • Can walk and run but will fall, usually has arms up and out for balance, can stop and start well but has difficulty turning corners
  • Loves to go up and down stairs or to climb up onto large chairs or sofas
  • Does not think ahead at all, just is motor driven and runs around – the adult must think through the environment
  • Loves to lug, tug, push, pull
  • Short attention span; hard to “entertain” because the attention span is so short
  • Apt to drop whatever she  is handling; gross motor predominates over fine motor
  • Doesn’t like to have diaper changed,
  • Very little peripheral vision; will turn whole head to look at something
  • Language skills vary tremendously; may be starting to form two-word sentences; also gets very frustrated with speech because he often cannot express what he wants to; not all words are to communicate, but just to express words for the sake of the pleasure of making sounds and talking
  • The idea of “mine” is prevalent
  • Separation anxiety when mother leaves
  • Still lugs, tugs, pushes, pulls, probably can play for longer times outside than inside
  • Usually decrease in appetite

Twenty-One Month Old

  • Unpredictable – can act more like an eighteen month old or act more like a two-year old.  Get to know your child and if they typically run ahead with developmental stages or behind or right on cue.
  • May have difficulties falling asleep
  • May bite when frustrated; pushing and pinching may also occur
  • Walking in crowded areas, church, stores may be problematic- don’t be afraid to keep outings not related to the child to a minimum
  • Per The Gesell Institute’s “Your One Year Old”, this is often a difficult age for working mothers – the child wants to tell mother what has happened during his day and really doesn’t have the words for it and becomes frustrated.  As increased language comes in, this eases.  Hang in there, working mamas!
  • Not typically interested in other children
  • Girls’ speech more advanced than boys’ speech typically; still may lack the speech necessary to make wants and needs known leading to frustration
  • Great at taking off clothes and running around naked!

 

Sometimes I think the Gesell Institute books come off a bit negative; please read them for yourselves and pick from it what resonates with you.  I look at the child less from a strictly traditional viewpoint myself, but these are pretty accurate markers for the ages, so having an idea what to expect at different ages will be a big help to you and in your efforts toward gentle discipline.  Please see the gentle discipline header for more articles regarding how to handle “defiance” and different developmental stages.

Many blessings,

Carrie

No Comparison!

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Comparing yourself to others often causes the disappearance of your own happiness. This can be such a challenging path, this mindful mothering, this homeschooling, this Waldorf view of life, that to start to look around it is easy to either feel smug about it all, or more likely, insecure and questioning of oneself.

I just want to remind you today that you  are on the right path for your family.  It is okay if you don’t have all the answers when your oldest child is four. You don’t have to defend yourself or your choices.  It is okay when people make different choices than you do for their families.  Each and every parent and family are on their own paths and we all  have our own lessons to learn.  Each and every family is different.

I know personally  it is much easier for me to respect someone else’s choices much better if I feel like there was some thought to that choice!  LOL!  However, at the same time, parents cannot always think about every single thing that is new to them or they feel insane!  And we all have priorities of things and issues and causes that are important to us  that may not be as important to someone else.  I try to remember that. 

Please, please, please do not let your causes, your beliefs, (uh, your obsessions?)  be the wedge between you and your partner, you and your family, you and your friends if you can help it.  Maybe you  will be able to show something to the people in your life  just by being who you are and doing what you do; maybe those people actually have something to teach you today!  Please be open to that!  Open your hearts and look for the things where we have common ground instead of being so quick to jump to the differences. 

It is so hard when our oldest one is very little.  We have such a protective (and sometimes tight) gesture around that child.  We have such a need for things to be “right”.  And to be sure, there is essential and non essential, and not everything people do with their children is “ right”  by a longshot.  I think we live in a society where many mothers are striving so hard to be mindful and think things through but then  we also have so many parents who seem to view their tiny children as inconveniences to their busy lives.  However, sometimes the “mindful” parents need to let go a little bit.  Your child, whilst developing under your etheric cloak, doesn’t need your baggage, and doesn’t need you to “control” their behavior or every single thing that happens in their existence.  Your child doesn’t need this unattainably  perfect childhood with unattainably perfect parents.

What your child needs is your warmth and your love even when they are in a rougher stage of development;

What your child needs is your laughter, authentic and real;

What your child needs today is a big hug and a whole lotta love;

What your child needs is a stable rhythm but also enough spontaneity to make life fun; nothing crazy, but go splash in some puddles!  Get dirty!  Play in the mud!

What your child needs is music and stories and being outside and playing;

What your child needs is a COMMUNITY of people who love them besides just their mother;

What your child needs is for you to have a vital, positive, wonderful marriage that they can look up to (even if they think it is disgusting when you kiss each other :))

What your child needs is for you to understand child development and to have realistic expectations and for you to quit trying to fix them, to change them into someone else, and to control every single thing that goes on

What your child needs is for you to get real, give some things up for them so they can develop in the right way, but to also have FUN whilst you are doing it.

What your child needs is for you to see how real and precious and messy and wonderful parenting and family life is today.

Life is too short to not live with joy and love and warmth.

Blessings today to you and your precious children,

Carrie

So How Do I Live Peacefully With My Two-Year-Old?

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Two and a half is an interesting age; there are ages of “disequilibrium” that occur before this, yet in our society we often hear about “the terrible two’s” as if this is the only stage of disequilibrium on the path to the teenaged years.    I have had many parents tell me they felt two- and- a -half was more challenging, but I have also heard many attached parents say they felt like two was not that bad and that three –and- a- half or four was much more challenging!  (That’s not much comfort if you are feeling out of sorts with your precious two-year-old, though, is it?)

So, how does one live peacefully with a two-year-old? 

I think the first thing one must do is to become very clear with one’s view of the small child and of what gentle discipline means to you and to your family. I have many, many posts about that on this blog.  Here is an oldie but goodie to start you off:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/12/where-do-i-start-with-gentle-discipline/ 

As always, it really does begin with you.  You must get as absolutely  centered as possible yourself because if you feel like you are going to lose it every  time your two-year-old does, it is going to be a long year indeed, unfortunately.  A two-year-old has a complete excess of emotion and impulses; they can’t regulate it at all.  Think of yourself as a sponge that sponges up all that excess emotion; yes, it is exhausting and draining but it is part of  parenting.  So some kind of inner work for yourself where you build up your own life forces, for lack of a better term (in Waldorf we would call this building up the etheric) is a priority; artistic work is especially good.  Can you make it a priority to paint, draw, sculpt, craft for several times a week for half an hour?  It really does help!

Also, get your support in a row.  Do you have other like-minded parents around you?  Not ones that will say, “Oh my, that two-year-old is manipulating you!” but ones that understand what a two-year-old is really about; ones that can help you brainstorm ideas from a loving and warm perspective!

As far as guidance, two-year-olds cannot read non-verbal gestures well in terms of “I am frowning at you and crossing my arms  because I am getting angry with your behavior!”  In fact, a two year old is imitative at best and may just frown back at you or do whatever it is that you are doing at the moment because they are imitating you and really have no idea that you are angry.  Some mothers have told me their two-year-old laughs when they are angry.  This is NOT a defiant, I-am-so-glad-to-see-you-angry- laugh, this is because they understand something about your emotions are different, but again, they don’t really know what to do or how to fix it. Think of this as their way of showing insecurity in the situation if that helps you re-frame it!

So, looking at how you view anger is very important.  What will you do in the heat of the moment? What is your plan?  And what tools are you going to use to help guide your small child instead of yelling or scowling or what have you?

Here is another old favorite to help you get going with that: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/    There are also many posts under anger; check them out under the Gentle Discipline page here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/gentle-discipline/

So, in brief,  here are your allies and your  tools for peaceful living outside of your own work on gentle discipline and anger:

  • CONNECTION – enjoying being together; nursing, co-sleeping,  holding on your lap, still carrying in a sling, playing games, sharing warm meals.  If four is a good age for sitting on laps, it is important to recognize how really tiny two is!  Connect first!
  • Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm – meal times and rest times are most important (and part of being able to go to bed and rest is having a consistent time for waking up every day)
  • Singing and verses more than direct commands; do not ask questions that will be answered NO!  Hum, sing, promote silence, but please stop with the endless barrage of questions.  You can show warmth and love through smiles, pats on the back, hugs, laughter – not just words!
  • Talking pictorially and working through a child’s body in an imaginative way: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/14/working-through-the-body-day-number-17-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/
  • You taking a few breaths and getting some SPACE before you react!
  • Distraction and re-direction
  • You cannot be afraid to pick up a screaming, tantruming child.  The two-year-old may very well need your gentle hands to come back into himself – see the “Time-in For Tinies” post I mentioned above as to more tips for handling temper tantrums.
  • Lots of outside time – get that energy out; pushing, pulling, squatting,
  • Sensory play – water, sand, mud
  • No choices, or very few.  It is really hard for a two-year-old to make a choice, even a small one and then inevitably the choice is made and then they want the other thing….meltdown.  Please don’t put them in that position!
  • Please try to run errands by yourself if you can.  This in itself alleviates so many problems.
  • Avoid expecting that it will be “a good day” if your two-year-old does not melt down; re-frame your expectations for your day in how well you de-escalated things!  And please do forgive yourself!  We are on a path and a journey and striving!  I spoke a lot about this in my talk regarding the first seven years on The Waldorf Channel.  www.thewaldorfchannel.org
  • Do not expect a two-year-old to share well or to patiently wait or to be quiet whilst a younger sibling sleeps for two hours!
  • Guide your child as to what your family needs as a whole;
  • Do not feel hurt if you are not preferred parent of the week!   It is not personal!
  • Try to enjoy this age!  It really is tiny and precious!

 

Love to hear things that have worked well for you with this age – leave a comment in the box!

Blessings,

Carrie

The Two-Year-Old: A Traditional Perspective

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Let’s hop into looking at the two-year-old from a traditional perspective.  Again, my favorite resource on this topic is the book, “Your Two-Year-Old” for a traditional look at the two-year-old.

So, what can you expect from a two-year-old?

  • Tends to be much easier to live with than the eighteen-month old; motor abilities are stronger and less a source of frustration
  • Emotionally calmer, happy more of the time than previously
  • Affectionate
  • Developing speech also makes life easier
  • Likes to run little errands around the house
  • Typically likes to watch all the household activities and take part in them
  • Often a typical time for potty training (closer to two and a half)
  • Likes repetition and rhythm to his day
  • Typically eats one good meal
  • Not a good deal of interaction in a “Playgroup” situation (and you all  know how I feel about social stuff for little people under four and a half, if you are new here and don’t know, you can search for the post about social experiences for the four-year-old!  :))
  • How they feel toward younger siblings really varies from kind and protective to jealous.  Never, ever leave a baby alone unattended with a two or two and a half year old.  🙂
  • They can run without falling now, walk up and stairs alone two feet to a step, but they tend to use their knee and foot together in walking, both arms out if you ask for one arm, all fingers out if you ask for one finger or one finger on both hands if you ask for one finger,
  • Vision is also dependent upon touch and manipulation of the object the child is looking at; can look at moving objects in space quite well
  • Lots of impulses, short attention span, touches and tastes everything

Two And A Half

  • Often stubborn and aggressive in that the two and a half year old wants what they want when they want it. 
  • Tense, explosive, rigid, bossy, demanding – Carrie’s note:  but this is because they feel UNSURE and INSECURE, not because they feel confident! 
  • Not a good age for making choices, likes to choose the opposite!  The authors write in “Your Two-Year-Old”;  “Thus, the simple choice between chocolate or vanilla cookies may ruin an excursion to the store.  Possibly, it is better that he stay at home so that this kind of problem, so difficult to solve, will not arise.”  
  • Demands “sameness” ; sometimes has rituals around things and then will have a temper tantrum if the ritual for dressing or eating or whatever doesn’t go how they plan
  • Time is seen by the two-and-a-half year old as a sequence of events…The “Your Two-Year-Old”  book mentions that if Daddy comes home from work early one day, your two and a half year old will still expect dinner after Daddy gets home, because that is what normally happens.
  • Lots of tensional outlets – thumb sucking, increased nursing, stuttering, screaming, temper tantrums
  • The age of “I Want!”  “Me do!” and “NO!”
  • The age of parental preferences; only Mommy can do something or only Daddy can do something. My husband and I used to call this PPW – short for Preferred Parent of the Week. 
  • Frequently fatigues, especially as headed toward age three; whining starts to come up
  • Things really do frustrate them, and to them the frustrations they are experiencing are very, very real! 
  • Carrie’s note – there are fun things about this age, everything is new, their vocabulary is exploding, they are interested in helping and being a part of everything. 
  • In a group social setting, possessions are part of himself or herself, so you hear “Mine!” a lot.  Things are more important than people, this is NORMAL.  Also, cannot really take turns yet. 
  • Improved motor skills – can walk on tiptoes, can jump with two feet, will try to stand on one foot, can speed up and slow down and go around things and arms and legs and fingers are more differentiated now.
  • Will start to imitate adult behaviors – caring for a baby, etc.
  • Sensory play – mud. water, sand – are well-liked and needed!
  • Boys overall, have more difficulties adjusting to a group setting, more tensional outlets, more quarrels about possessions, speech may not come in as much as the girls speech until around thirty months

 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Out Of The Frying Pan

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….and into the fire I leap.  You can see my controversial opinion of the RIE movement that is making inroads into Waldorf Early Care here :  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2010/03/review-a-warm-and-gentle-welcome-a-wecan-publication.html

For those of you who have not heard of this movement, here is the beginning part of the review I wrote that explains what is happening:

A Review: “A Warm and Gentle Welcome: Nurturing Children from Birth to Age Three”

“This is the Gateways Series Five book which consists of a series of articles compiled from the work of the Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North America RIE/Pikler Working Group. I bought this book because I am a Waldorf homeschooling mother with an extreme interest in the Early Years. Also, as a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist, I really wanted to understand more about the RIE/Pikler approach that is seems to be becoming part of the world of Waldorf for children from birth to age three.

Unfortunately, I found I had more questions than answers after reading this book than when I started.

The underlying assumption of this book is laid out in an article of Introduction by Trice Atchinson and Margaret Ris: that there is a growing conviction within the Waldorf movement to “respond to the needs of the times” (ie, child care for younger and younger children) and because Rudolf Steiner’s indications for working with children and adolescents in Waldorf schools had been put to practical use for many decades, little existed on how best to meet the needs of children at the very beginning of life – particularly in light of societal trends such as daycare, single parenting, dual working families and the isolation of at-home mothers.” Therefore, a working group associated with WECAN began to investigate Resources for Infant Educarers, or RIE, founded by Magda Gerber, as a resource for the child at the beginning of life.”

To read the whole review I wrote, please see the link above.  I have grave and serious concerns about this approach, which my review details.

For those of you looking at Waldorf early, early care (for birth to age three), please do a bit of research regarding this issue and see how you feel about it; really talk to the provider and see what approach they use within their care.  This way you can make the best decision for your family.

Blessings,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part Two)

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AN URGENT NEED FOR SLEEP: 

What if sleep for the family is really an emergency situation though?  There can be a darker side to all of this  if a mother is truly sleep deprived! 

I just have to say a brief word about  letting a baby “cry-it-out.”    First of all, there are  NO scientific studies that back up “crying it out”.  I have a wonderful article written by Macall Gordon that was published in Attachment Parenting International’s newsletter some years ago called, “The Dark Side of Sleeping Through the Night:  Four Big Reasons Why Crying-It-Out Doesn’t Make Sense.” This article is really fabulous, but I could not find it on-line at all, maybe someone else will be able to locate this article and post the link in the comment box.  At any rate, the first reason in this article is that “crying-it-out” is that it is  not supported by research at all.  In fact, as a pediatric physical therapist, I know that crying causes immune function to go down and cortisol (a stress hormone) to rise.  Why doesn’t anyone bother to  mention that in connection with “crying-it-out”?  The other issue I have with this, this time with my IBCLC hat on, is that mothers are biologically programmed through hormones and  through lactation to pick their babies up!  Why doesn’t anyone talk about that and the biological impulses we try to make mothers override by not validating their own biology?   From an attachment stand-point, and for future psychological health, for the future of the entire process of discipline and guiding child,  the entire first year is about an infant building up trust in a caregiver.   How does “crying-it-out” not harm this?   There are a multitude of other reasons that “crying-it-out” is just plain harmful! 

People who talk about an infant “playing you” or “manipulating you” at an early age over sleep have absolutely NO understanding of the biological or emotional  development of the child.  It is unfortunate. 

If you need someone to talk to, vent to, or ask about realistic sleep expectations,  please, please pick up the phone and call your local La Leche League Leader or Attachment Parenting Leader.  La Leche League even has a hotline now!  Call and talk to someone!

If you have an urgent need for sleep, the families I have worked with in the past have treated this as REAL.  It is urgent, it is as real as being sick!   We cannot be the mother we want to be when we are completely sleep-deprived!   Vacation time may need to be used so one can sleep and have another person at home to care for the infant.  A family member may need to come visit, or friends may need to come and help.  Our society can be such a disconnected one, and it can be so challenging to reach out to people and ask for help.  Yet, people are typically so willing to help. Other mothers have been there, and  they really do understand!

Make a plan for how you can figure this out.  Can  you sleep when the infant does?  What are doing that is more important than sleep?  Can someone help you with your other children so you can take your infant to bed and rest?  Can you all lay down together and rest?  Can you strip a room of dangerous-to-toddler items, lock the door with all of you in this room and rest? 

What can you do to help your child enter sleep more easily and rhythmically?  The first post in this two-part series had some suggestions for babies who really don’t sleep well, but I suppose the suggestions could be useful for anyone.

Children need a rhythm leading up to sleep or rest to help them wind-down.  How you do this in your family is up to you.  Some families have used a warm, calm bath.  Some have used reading books in that special nighttime/resting reading voice (which is different than the dramatic daytime voice!!).  Some families have used rocking, nursing, massage, foot massages, holding as parts of the bedtime routine.  How about singing lullabies?

Infants and children DO need to be parented to sleep.  Even an eight year old or nine year old likes being read to or to have a conversation before they go to sleep!  So, how you parent your child to sleep in your family is up to you as you are the expert on your own family!  All I would say is that if you are waiting to the point where your children fight through the bedtime routine or are completely wound-up, you may be starting too late.  Try earlier and see if that makes a difference.  

People ask me about co-sleeping and when their child will go into their own bed/sleeping surface. …. I remember one especially sweet nurse (an adult, obviously!)  I worked with and we were talking about this subject years ago and she said, “You know what?  When I go home and visit my mamma, I LOVE to jump into her bed.  It smells like her, and I miss seeing her!”  I loved that, the association of comfort and wanting to be near our mothers, even when we are adults.  I have seen some children take happily to their own bedrooms around two and a half or three and I have seen others do it more around the seven-year-change…Some children will still want to co-sleep when they have a nightmare, when they are getting teeth, when they don’t feel well, on special nights when they are so excited for the next day.  Warmth and love at its finest!

FROM A WALDORF POINT OF VIEW:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/13/a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

People ask me about sleep from an anthroposophic point of view, and the above posts are a great place to start.  The one thing I would like to add is that from an anthroposophic viewpoint, the small child is developing a relationship to time.  Modern medical studies confirm this in many regards; some studies I have read state that it can take up to 40 weeks in order to for an infant to have days/nights straightened out well.

Please do think of rhythm and routines leading up to nap/rest times and bedtimes as your friend.  I think it is important to guide our children in this regard, and to just not wait until they fall over from sheer exhaustion after they have been completely wound up!

All food for thought; as usual take what resonates with you for you and your family!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part One)

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I have had three local mothers in my over twelve years of parenting counseling who had babies under the age of six months who truly did not sleep.  It was very difficult.   All three cases were very active little girl babies who had a difficult time gaining weight, and once they became mobile older babies/toddlers they were so active that no one other than the mother could seem to watch the baby without the child ending up on the top of refrigerator,etc.  They were also toddler  masters of getting through baby locks and other child-proofing devices.  Whew!

I would like to go over a few points regarding sleep for these types of babies and then children in general. 

For babies under the age of 6 months who “don’t sleep”:

1.  Realistic expectations are key.  Know that there will be times they don’t sleep well due to teething and other developmental stages.  Also, how many hours a day are you expecting them to sleep?  Babies need time to be outside, time to play on the floor as well as the older babies.  They can also be a passive witness to what you are doing from the viewpoint of a sling.  Some babies also sleep very well in a sling.

I am sure many of you have seen “the sleep table” in “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” – there are things in this book that I vehemently disagree with, but I like the sleep table 🙂  It details the number of hours each day infants of different ages sleep, how many naps a day of different ages take and how long those typical naps are.  For example:  a six-month old is typically taking two naps a day for a total of 3-4 hours and sleeping 10-11 hours at night for a total of 14-15 hours whereas a 2 year old is typically taking one nap a day for one to two hours and sleeping around 12 hours at night for a total of 11 hours of sleep. 

2.  Biologically, we do not want babies to enter a deep sleep and “sleep soundly” though the night at an early age because 1.  this decreases calories for most breastfeeding babies;  studies have shown even babies at 10 months can receive up to 25 percent of their calories at night if mothers will still nurse their babies at night.  2.  not breastfeeding at night increases the chance of you getting your menstrual cycle back at night and takes away natural child spacing and  3.  the rate of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is highest between 2 to 5 months, so we don’t want deep sleeping then.  We want arousal out of sleep here and there to keep our babies breathing.

Please see these back posts regarding sleep and co-sleeping:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/25/the-early-bedtime/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/18/peaceful-bedtime-dreams/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/

3.  For a baby under 6 months who is not sleeping well, but in a developmental plateau, not getting sick, and not teething, please check yourself. How anxious are you about them not sleeping?  Babies pick up on your anxiety! 

4.  Check warmth.  I find babies who are like this, and who are not gaining weight well,  are often actually  cold.  Check these back posts on warmth:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/06/warmth-strength-and-freedom-by-mary-kelly-sutton/

5. Check for food allergies and sensitivities, reflux and colic.  There have been some studies showing a positive resolution of colic with care from a qualified pediatric chiropractor; this may be worth a try.  For reflux, try www.pager.org

6.  As these children grow, I think it is VERY, very important to institute quiet activities with active ones, and yes, periods of rest.  We have had several posts in the past regarding “quiet time” that were hot debate.  You can see those here:      and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/23/more-about-quiet-time/

Some of these children, particularly when small, will not just go and lay down at a rest time.  But it is worth it to all lay down together, to read a book or light a candle and snuggle together for storytelling.  That break is important. 

It is also important to note, I think, that these children NEED time in nature.  That may be only time they actually slow down and get involved in digging in the dirt or other really rhythmical activity that really transports them to a quieter place.

In the next part of this, we will look at what to do when sleep for the whole family is an urgent need, and also a Waldorf view of sleep!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful Guiding of Children

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There are several steps to peaceful guidance of small children.

1.  It is important to  work hard at connection with these children during happy and joyful times.  Connection that is built up over time, and connection that is built in the moment of crisis are both needed. 

2.  It is important to attempt to guide from a place of understanding of developmental stages.  Many parents try to guide from emotion (ie, anger, yelling) or guide from a place of reasoning and extra explanations and such so the child will essentially agree with them regarding discipline and the action taken by the parent.  Neither is effective.  Guidance from place of developmental understanding and other tools are necessary.

3.  It helps to be working on yourself, and also to understand your own family culture.  Try this back post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/what-kind-of-family-are-you/

4.  Boundaries are important!  Children need to learn how to function in society. What are the boundaries in your home? What are the rules?  It should not be all willy-nilly!  It matters what boundaries you set, so think about them and set them in confidence and love!

5.  The needs of ALL the family members matter!  The rhythm of your day, bedtimes, mealtimes, etc have to work for EVERYONE.  You are the designer of your family life and if something is NOT working, you must change it!

This is a brief summary of gentle discipline techniques according to age, up through age 8.   These are not all-inclusive lists, but just some things to get you started and thinking!

Children ages 1 -2:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, limited words, singing and verses and movement instead, avoid DIRECT commands because they will turn around and run the other way!  Don’t be afraid to pick your child up and move them.  Shape  the environment – don’t put all the toys out, etc.   Rest is important!  Getting the energy out is important!

Children aged 2:  Keep out of the home excursions very limited and simple.  Simple words (remember a child of 18 months is about at the “coat-hat-out” phase so a 2 year old is not too far ahead of this!  Do not provide choices about big things, esp at 2 and a half – they have a really hard time choosing and are likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears.  Have confidence, find your rhythm.  Do not expect two years to share! Shape the environment. Use imagination and fantasy for daily tasks, for changing activities.  Sideways, sideways, sideways instead of direct head on commands and demands.   Rest is important. 

Children ages 3 and 4:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out,  limited words and explanation, singing and verses and movement instead.  Let some of the behaviors go and ignore instead of trying to address every single thing. 

Children ages 5 and 6:   Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, limited words but more pointed phrases regarding behavior, verses, this is a time when children say things like “You’re not the boss of me!”  “no I won’t do that!”  “Make me do that!”  Calm down, and don’t respond in an angry manner.  You are the one shaping the situation, not them.  Be calm!

Children ages 7 and 8:  Connection, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, simple explanations, distraction still works to a limited extent. 7 year olds have a really, really hard time stopping to do what they are doing to do what you asked, so you can warn them in advance if that helps, and give them TIME to complete a task. 

Peaceful days in March and many blessings,

Carrie

The Typical Ages of Disequilibrium

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According to a  traditional developmental perspective, there are ages that are prone to a sense of equilibrium and ages prone to disquilibrium.  I thought I would recap the ages of birth through age 9  here with a quick sentence or two, so you all would know what ages are traditionally considered more challenging than others.

This is of course, not an anthroposophic point of view and of course your child is influenced by their own temperament, their own personality traits and parenting and the environment also have an influence.  Some children I have known never did seem to go through these traditional stages at all, while others seemed to fit into them very well.

But, here they are for you to consider, and I think you can tuck them away and find them helpful at varying points.  If you know four is typically out of bounds in many ways, and seven is typically morose and moody and can be rather morbid, it just can help you cope a bit better.

These ages and descriptions are from the work of The Gesell Institute.  Sometimes the descriptions may sound a bit negative, but if you read the books in their entirety, they do try to paint a balanced picture of each age. 

I encourage you to read these books for yourself.  I hold more of an anthroposophic view of the child, but find these descriptions to be helpful at times, and hopefully you can pick what would be helpful to you and your family and your child out of it all.

AGES OF DISEQUILIBRIUM:  18 months ( I would say 15 to 21 months), 2 1/2 years, 3 1/2 years, 4 1/2 years, 5 1/2- 6 years, 7 years, 9 years

AGES OF EQUILIBRIUM:  12 months, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 1/2-7 years, 8 years and 10 years

More “outward” behavior generally occurs at 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 6 years, 8 years, 10 years – think expansive behavior, outward bound, silliness in older children, biting, hitting, kicking, etc.     Behavior is typically more “inward” at 18 months, 2 1/2 years, 3 1/2 years, 5 years, 7 years, 9 years. 

15 months – completely active, throws objects, “dart and dash” age

18 months – cannot wait, in the taking phase but not the giving phase, needs close and constant supervision in a baby-proofed environment, needs outlet for physical energy

The Gesell Institute says in “Child Behavior:  The Classic Child Care Manual from The Gesell Institution of Human Development”:

“Eighteen months is not one of the “better” ages if we measure goodness in terms of minding, responding to commands, keeping within reasonable bounds.  However, if we can appreciate the immaturity – of motor ability, language, and emotions – of the 18-monther, it can be fairly easy to keep his behavior within reasonable limits…..Thus, if you would like to have him move from wherever he is to wherever you are –lure him, pick him up and carry him, but for best results, do not call him. He is simply not mature enough to respond,  in most instances, to such a verbal command…..”Coat-hat-out” is about as complicated a command as the average 18-monther can follow.” 

2 years – loving, affectionate, cannot share

2 1/2 years – a peak age of disequilibrium typically, typically rigid and inflexible, wants everything done according to what they want, when they want it, domineering and demanding, violent emotions, no ability to choose between alternatives or make a choice and stick to it

3 years – the age of “we” (mommy and me), no longer rigid and inflexible,

3 1/2 years – new motor incoordination, new stuttering, tensional outlets, emotional insecurity, crying, whining, frequent questions, demanding

4 years – “out of bounds” – hit, kick, throw things, break things, run away.  Out of bound emotionally, rage/loud silly behavior, shocking language, out of bounds in relationships, “swaggers, swears, boasts, defies.”  Height of imagination,

4 1/2 years – Height of mixture of reality and imagination, can be a time of catching up in motor/language, play is less wild than at age 4, fine motor coordination improved and will often begin to be interested in drawing,

5 years – equilibrium, mother center of the world, an enjoyable age

5 1/2 years  to 6 years – violent emotions, emotional outbursts, mother no longer center of the world,  the child wants to be the center of his own world now, demanding, rigid, “negative, rude, resistant.”   They typically have to be right, to win, to be praised.

The Gesell Institute writes, “Whatever the situation, we can make it a little easier for the 5 1/2 or 6 –year-old, and for ourselves, be respecting ourselves, by respecting the fact that he is having a difficult time within himself as well as in his relations with others.  Use techniques where you can.  Bypass as  many unhappy incidents as you can.”

6 1/2 to 7 years –  more calm, more withdrawn, more complaining, moody, moping

8 years –  exuberant, enthusiastic, often will not finish a task, speedy, may have tears of “I never do it right!”, “needs protection both from trying to do too much and from too excessive self-criticism when failures occur.”

9 years – quieter, calmer, very independent, less arguing back, more interested in friends than family, interested in excursions and what adults will do with/for him but not as interested in the relationship itself, worries and complains

10 years – equilibirum, enjoys and listens to parents, tries to “be good”, pleased with the world.

That is a quick overview of each age; do look up the Gesell Institute Books (“Your One-Year-Old”, “Your Two-Year-Old” etc.) for more information from a traditional developmental viewpoint.  I also would like to point out the list of gentle discipline/development books I posted here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/27/favorite-books-for-gentle-discipline/

Blessings,

Carrie