Category Archives: Development

Peer Relationships For the Six to Eight Year Old

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I have fielded quite a few emails and questions from mothers in my community about this issue, so I finally thought it was time for a blog post on the subject!

The question I get is from mothers who live in a neighborhood with lots of other children zooming about, and how the six year old girl or seven year old boy is all of the sudden very obsessed with playing with these neighborhood friends every minute.

This, by itself, may not be such a problem (I am sure those of you who grew up in neighborhoods, just like me, remember the “neighborhood gang” fondly), but what is happening in these cases is that the six and seven year old is picking up bad language, is acting surly towards their parents, is protesting vehemently when any kind of limit is set forth regarding not being able to go out and play.  Sometimes the neighborhood children are at these mother’s doors the moment the school bus rumbles away.  Sometimes the children of the mothers writing me are just waiting to play and staring at the neighborhood children’s door waiting for any signs of someone being home and therefore ready to play!  Does any of this sound familiar?

I am all for community, but I do feel in this situation one needs to have boundaries for one’s child.  Possibly very strong boundaries.  The peak of this behavior truly can be the seven year old boy and six year old girl, and since children under the age of 9 are prone to “emotional excess”, they may need your help in balancing things out.

I can recommend several things:

1.  Make it clear that playing with friends is dependent upon being nice within the family.  We don’t take the ugly out of the house. Smile 

2.  Some afternoons are “family only” or family outing kind of afternoons.  And after our outing or playing at home, gee, it is time for dinner and getting ready for bed.  We can play with friends tomorrow.  Six to eight year olds are still very little, and the world will not stop turning if they do not play with peers all the time. 

3.  Communicate with the neighborhood children’s parents and work out a sign or signal that your children are available to play whether it is the garage door being up, children being outside, front door open with just screen door shut, etc.  Sadly, sometimes the reason the children are at the door the moment the school bus rumbles away is because there is no one home at their house.  Sometimes this has to be confronted between the adults of the families as well.

4.  Plan things for the children to do before you they move into  free play – I have had success in the past with juicing lots of oranges by hand, taking turns rolling and cutting out gingerbread men, setting up obstacle courses, etc.  In this way we can all work on using kind words, taking turns, using good manners, including all children, before we go off to play on our own.

5.  Look carefully at the children your child is playing with and your child’s behavior afterwards.  There may need to be limits on how often your child plays with particular children, or where they play.  Some friends just play better together outside.  I find this to be especially true with eight year olds who will often take on the “persona” of the oldest child in a grouping and emulate that behavior, so again, limits are key.

6.  Know the families of the children your child is playing with.  Do try to ensure that if your child goes to a neighbor’s house that you know that family well, and that the playdate will not just turn into a screen fest when the children should be out and expending physical energy in the afternoon. 

7.  Do take the time to arrange play time with children of families that have similar values to yours.  Build that community, and pick the activities outside of your home that involve these children.  It may be easier to hang around with the children in the neighborhood (no driving to a park or whatnot), but as children grow they are able to tolerate going out a little bit more, and if your child never spends any time with the children you want to be that child’s community, the children that live closest will always be ranked as better friends in the eyes of the child.

These are just a few suggestions; I would love to hear your experiences in the comment box!

Many blessings,
Carrie

Guest Post: What’s The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Child?

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Wonderful Raelee Peirce from over at  http://www.noblemother.com/             wrote this in response to reading an article by Dr. Gabor Mate.  Dr. Mate, as many of you may recognize, is one of the co- authors of The Parenting Passageway’s featured book we are studying:  “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers.”

You can see more about Raelee and her journey here:  http://www.noblemother.com/raelee/   These are Raelee’s powerful words about parenting and the best thing that you can do for your child.

What’s The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Child?

By Raelee Peirce

Our choices for our children have positive and negative consequences.  Sometimes we are more aware of these consequences than other times.  We simply do not always know the impact of everything we do in nurturing to the best of our ability. 

Therefore, it is my belief that mothering is a completely unique responsibility.  I feel like I am constantly stretching and growing spiritual qualities of patience, flexibility, assertiveness, and self-discipline.

I work every day at learning ways to make parenting less stressful for myself and for my clients.  It has been so rewarding to find small ways to incorporate simplicity into our lives.  I am learning to balance the active moments and days with more low-key moments and days.  Lighting a candle for prayers or for a meal can bring a peaceful tone to an otherwise tense activity. Storytelling with my kids brings us closer together and keeping to a regular bedtime rhythm provides a familiar predictability to our days.

So when I read this article by Dr. Gabor Mate…
Trauma: How We’ve Created a Nation Addicted to Shopping, Work, Drugs and Sex….Post-industrial capitalism has completely destroyed the conditions required for healthy childhood development.
http://www.alternet.org/story/149325/trauma:_how_we%27ve_created_a_nation_addicted_to_shopping,_work,_drugs_and_sex/?page=entire
…over this past weekend, I felt like jumping up and down in complete joy. 

Joy for my work in simplicity and joy for us as mothers who have made difficult choices in order to nurture our babies.  In today’s modern times, intuition and spiritual understanding are appreciated but not revered as much as science.  Well, it is with pleasure and amazement and excitement that I share with you the science in this article that validates what we intuitively have known all along – our babies need their mamas and we need to live in a cultural climate – a climate where the attitude, expectations, and social services – provide mothers with emotional and financial support in order to nurture their own babies.

As a parent coach I have heard personal stories of moms who are isolated, lonely, unsupported and left questioning their decision to stay home or go to work.  Dr. Mate explains that this isolation is not optimal for us and is a new phenomenon…
"The normal basis for child development has always been the clan, the tribe, the community, the neighborhood, the extended family. Essentially, post-industrial capitalism has completely destroyed those conditions. People no longer live in communities which are still connected to one another. People don’t work where they live. They don’t shop where they live. The kids don’t go to school, necessarily, where they live. The parents are away most of the day. For the first time in history, children are not spending most of their time around the nurturing adults in their lives. And they’re spending their lives away from the nurturing adults, which is what they need for healthy brain development."

So many parents feel forced to spend time away from their babies and young children because of the tough economic situation of our day.  I feel that burn on a very personal level.  My husband and I are currently both working from home due to the tough job market.  As a result, many families live with a great deal of stress in order to make ends meet. 

Certainly all parents are interested in supporting the healthy brain development of their children. Interestingly, a calm brain is a healthy brain.  In the article Mate says that stressful parenting and time away from mothers is changing the chemical make-up of our baby’s brains.
…"dopamine is simply an essential life chemical. Without it, there’s no life. Mice in a laboratory who have no dopamine will starve themselves to death, because they have no incentive to eat. Even though they’re hungry, and even though their life is in danger, they will not eat, because there’s no motivation or incentive.  And if you actually look at how the dopamine levels in a brain develop, if you look at infant monkeys and you measure their dopamine levels, and they’re normal when they’re with their mothers, and when you separate them from mothers, the dopamine levels go down within two or three days."

The cultural understanding that thrives in America is that our babies are fine and that they will adjust without us.  Mate believes that the rise in ADD, ADHD, Autism, behavior defiance, and addiction is not genetic.  He has found that these disorders are increasing because stress has increased for parents and kids, lowering dopamine levels.  Unfortunately, our society’s response to this isn’t to support families, mothers, babies – it’s to find a drug that will increase the dopamine levels.  But whether a child is put on these drugs or not, children need emotional connection regardless. By de-stressing ourselves and the lives of our babies and children, new positive pathways are developed in the brain and dopamine levels can rise, naturally.

Our children in our country are suffering from lack of emotional connection.  We lack rhythm and downtime which allow children to unfold into growing into their true selves.  As a result, there is an increase in children being diagnosed and labeled and at the very least making their parents feel crazy with their "misbehavior." 

Mate points out that "yes, a lot of children are acting out, but it’s not bad behavior. It’s a representation of emotional losses and emotional lacks in their lives. And whether it’s, again, bullying or a whole set of other behaviors, what we’re dealing with here is childhood stunted emotional development—in some cases, stunted pain development. And rather than trying to control these behaviors through punishments, or even just exclusively through medications, we need to help these kids develop."

 

It’s no mystery – many parents are stressed, most children are stressed living in these modern times of too much stuff, too many activities, too much information, too much screen time — all of which pulls us away from the one thing that can make it better – each other.

Let’s acknowledge that time with our babies and children is time that is not wasted.  It is richly valuable.  The home environment is a space to create warmth, love, patience, calm – for the sake of our children’s developing brains. "…which circuits develop and which don’t depend very much on environmental input. When people are mistreated, stressed or abused, their brains don’t develop the way they ought to. It’s that simple…And the essential condition for the physiological development of these brain circuits that regulate human behavior, that give us empathy, that give us a social sense, that give us a connection with other people, that give us a connection with ourselves, that allows us to mature—the essential condition for those circuits, for their physiological development, is the presence of emotionally available, consistently available, non-stressed, attuned parenting caregivers."

I think motherhood today can be completely characterized as overwhelming and stressful.  I firmly believe because we collectively have been convinced that a "good" mom juggles a high power career and/or "gives up" her career to be home, makes organic meals, knits hats and sews their child’s birthday goodie bags, and still has time to respond effectively to tantrums, not to mention be somehow connected to her spouse, that there’s no question why parenting today is stressful.

The more that I know and understand, the better choices I can make.  It doesn’t make the choices easy – but I do have more clarity and conviction. 
"The child’s brain development depends on the presence of non-stressed, emotionally available parents."

I want the cultural climate to change.  This article validates a formula like Simplicity Parenting  ( http://www.simplicityparenting.com/)  as a formula that families can apply in order to find the calm connection each of us craves.

It is not my intention to share this message with you so you can become riddled with guilt or anger.  My intention is for us to learn and grow together.  What are we doing right and what do we need to improve upon for ourselves, and as a result, for the next generation of mothers? 

Certainly we want our children to appreciate education, to go as far as they are motivated, to find financial success, to be content, inspired, passionate about life.  Can we also instill in them a deeper understanding of the critical role they play in the healthy development and happiness of their own children?

I’m not a politician and I don’t want to be.  I think change begins first in me.  The more all of us stand up and advocate for the well-being of our babies, the more things will begin to shift.  We are a powerful force when we stand together. 

The most important thing you can do right now for your child is to reduce the stress in your own life and consequently, the life of your child.  When your child receives unstressed parenting he/she is able to optimally develop.

________________________________________________

Thank you Raelee! 

Many blessings to you all,

Carrie

Fostering Maturity In Children

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This is from our last post on Chapter Nine of “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers”:

“So, what can we do as parents to foster maturity?  The authors write “The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child.  To foster independence we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close.”

Here is another quote: “The first task is to create space in the child’s heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love.”  Very lovely thought to meditate and ponder.”

I wanted to expand on this a bit.  One thought that fits well in line with this is Waldorf Education’s holistic view of the child, of the cycles of childhood and adulthood and how different capacities and truths are available for us to work with during different times as the child grows and matures. 

The things at the very core of Waldorf Education and Waldorf parenting as so applicable toward helping a child toward balanced healthy adulthood.  I write about this all the time on this blog.

My second thought is this:  it is not just attachment and love, it is about also about where we are as a parent.  Let me explain.

I think that whilst we don’t ALWAYS like our children, we always love them, and I think fostering the attitude that even if you make mistakes or  in the nine and up crowd that even if you make choices that are not stellar, we will always love you and support you is really important.

But I also think there is more to this than just attachment or fostering a feeling of unconditional love and warmth in our children.

It is also about us and where we are and what our inner self is holding on to.  We have to be so careful to not let our own baggage hold our children back.  We have to be so careful to not let our own fears hold our children down.  We have to be so careful and not confuse using our children’s childhood with healing our own inner childhood. 

I agree that attachment and dependency MUST be met; but I also agree that sometimes parents hold onto some phases past the point where it is healthy.

You see, I have seen so many parents who had the attachment part down really have severe trouble giving their children wings and allowing their children to tackle things independently, even if  a bit rashly, without standing over their shoulders saying, “Gosh, do you really think you should be doing it that way” or what have you.  Or trouble in that whilst they are “fostering dependence” as the authors speak about, it gets confused and mixed with the child having a  lack of responsibility where the older child does not participate in chores, or where the child does not ever have to give something up for the sanity of the family.

Instead of a bit of benign neglect or being in a side ring whilst the family as a whole is in the center ring, the child becomes not only the center ring of the circus but the ringmaster of the whole show.

In the book “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, the authors write, “ Your task as a parent is to help your child develop inside him what you have been providing on the outside:  responsibility, self-control, and freedom.”  And I would add love and compassion for themselves and for their fellow human beings and the things we as human beings have stewardship for. 

I think as attached parents and especially as homeschooling parents, we have to be okay with giving our older children some wings and some opportunity to make mistakes where the cost is small. 

We have to allow them to have some of those social experiences that teach them when they are bossy, their friends may not want to play with them.  We have to support them through the times when their old best friend has a new best friend.   If they are fearful, we have to still give them opportunities to try.  We have to give them opportunities to persevere through things they don’t want to do.  It is about more than attachment and  love for our child.  It is also about following through on the hard stuff. 

It is hard as a parent to watch a child struggle and yes, we do what we can to comfort and to help.  But sometimes we cannot fix everything, and part of life as a child is growing into one’s own power and one’s own ability to fix things, even if it starts out in an immature way and then grows.

That’s maturity.  What are you doing to foster maturity in your child this week?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Foreword Of “The Child’s Changing Consciousness”

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I am currently reading Rudolf Steiner’s “The Child’s Changing Consciousness As The Basis Of Pedagogical Practice” and thought the foreword by Douglas Stone would be particularly illuminating for parents new to Waldorf Education.

For those of you who don’t know the origins of Waldorf/Steiner Education, Rudolf Steiner was asked to give lectures in 1919 to the factory workers at the  Waldorf Astoria Tobacco Company in Stuttgart, Germany and by April 1919 the decision was made to open the first Steiner school for the children of the factory workers.  The original lectures where given to the workers “on the question of what new social impulses are necessary in the modern world.”

I like this description of Waldorf Education:  “Based on a comprehensive and integrated understanding of the human being, a detailed account of child development and with a curriculum and teaching practice that seek the unity of intellectual, emotional, and ethical development at every point, Waldorf education deserves the attention of everyone concerned with education and the human future.”

The foreword mentions Dr. Steiner’s use of the terms body, soul and spirit ; how Dr. Steiner’s ideas about childhood development both overlap and are different than those of  Gesell and Piaget; how Steiner’s view of the crucial preschool years of “play, imitation and activity” as the foundation for all subsequent knowledge is borne out by many developmental psychologists today. Please note that Waldorf Education can work whether the worldview of Dr. Steiner resonates with you or not; we are people of reason and we have discernment. 

Stone talks about the foundation of the Early Years, the dominant feeling life of the primary school aged child and how this feeling, artistic approach to subjects leads to “strong conceptual powers in the adolescent and adult years.”

“Steiner stresses, therefore, the importance of an education during the primary school years that is thoroughly artistic in nature.  In these lectures he [Steiner] explicitly criticizes any one-sided emphasis on emotional development that ignores the importance of intellectual development.  He also criticizes as nonsense all notions that all learning should be play…..his chief concern is to bring together intellect, emotion, and the tacit knowing of will activity in integral unity.”

Stone also addresses the concern parents have today regarding teaching morals and values in school.  Dr. Steiner himself grappled with the religious education requirements required by Germany in the early 1920’s.  Steiner’s view of the true view of ethics in education included providing children with experiences of beauty, fairness, reverence, and the righteous conduct of the teacher.  He was concerned that the teacher demonstrated a good world for the child through their actions. 

Stone writes:  “The truly ethical and religious dimensions of education have nothing to do with indoctrination, the teaching of empty concepts, “thou-shalt” attitudes, but with the actual experience of gratitude, love, wonder, a devoted interest in one’s life tasks and conduct, and a recognition of the worth of the developing individual.” 

I thought those were some worthy thoughts to pass on and ponder today.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Four-Year-Olds Who Ask Many Questions

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(One of my long-term readers kindly pointed out there are no back posts on this subject, so here it is now!)

Yes, asking many questions is a hallmark of being four years of age.  It does not mean all questions a four-year-old asks needs to be answered directly though (although nor does it mean that we don’t ever answer a question!)  However,  four-year-olds often seem to ask about a million questions a day.  Many of these questions are just a reflection of the wonderfully imaginative way a child of that age has at looking at the world, and it is really important not to shut their ideas down with a very adult way of looking at things.

I think what helps is to certainly be tuned into your child in a warm and loving way, but in a way in which you are busy and not hanging on their every word.  I find this much easier to do myself when I am physically working with my whole body, not just sitting down and using only my hands.  If I am shoveling, digging, planting, scrubbing, etc it is much easier for me to hum, sing, give a warm smile but not have this incredibly involved discussion where the child sits down next to me and we play Fifty Questions About Life.

Humming, singing, and being busy but yet tuned into your child is a  fine art of balancing in parenting.  It is a process and a journey to achieve this.   We can use our warmth, our smiles, our love.  We can answer with neutral phrases such as “I really wonder that too!” (and actually mean it!) or we can say, “I don’t know, but I know a (song, poem, verse) about that!”   We try to answer a four-year-old as pictorially as possible – the time for more pointed answers to questions comes in the grades with short explanations.  If you need help with speaking pictorially, please try this back post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/04/01/talking-in-pictures-to-small-children/

If a child is extremely insistent that we answer a question, we can gently ask the child what they think without commenting too much about what they say.  Give them space and time to complete their own ideas and thoughts.  Sometimes they really can answer their own questions in their little four-year-old way of looking at the world and the universe!

Also, I mean this in a very kind way, but I often see this questioning and chatter more in families where the four-year-old is the oldest in the family or the only child. A four-year-old oldest or only often learns to communicate verbally with an adult for a feeling of intimacy and closeness more frequently than those who have a house full of sibling playmates to attend to.  Smile

If you find your four-year-old seems to be asking just a million and a half questions, here are a few “sideways” tips to assist you:

1.  Be busy yourself with your whole body in work  — sometimes sitting down with just  hands in work becomes an opportunity for a child to just plant themselves next to you and ask question after question.

2.  If your child simply must chatter away, have them do something physical whilst they are chattering. 

3.  Please double check the amount of outside time they are getting.  Some children chatter when they have a lot of nervous energy and don’t know what else to do with themselves.

4.  How is their play?  Here are two back articles about fostering creative play:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/more-about-fostering-creative-play/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/05/fostering-creative-play/

5.  And, this one might make folks bristle a bit, but good old-fashioned benign neglect is okay.  Your relationship with your spouse or partner is really, really important – a foundation for the home.  It is okay for your child to be at the periphery a bit and not so much center-ring in the family stage.  I mean that with love, so just meditate and ponder on that.  I see so many, many families where the child is really thrust into the position of carrying what should be the adult life  between adults and the child becomes the intimate, verbal substitute for an adult relationship and communication for one or both of the parents.  Disregard this thought if it does not apply to your family, of course. Smile

And remember, the time WILL come to answer these questions in a more factual way – starting in the grades.  This is such a short time period in which to protect your child’s imagination, and their development of a sound  and healthy emotional life.

What thoughts do you have about children who incessantly chatter or question?

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Nine-Year Old Girl

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I have had the great privilege and honor of being able to observe a group of nine-year old girls this year.  It has been very interesting to watch their transformation and challenges.  Here are some of the things I have observed regarding the nine=year-old girl and what is going on developmentally:

  • This whole notion that they are separate from their families, mothers.  Not completely separate, but the inkling is there.  You hear phrases from them about “perhaps” they were really left in a basket on a doorstep, or a basket floating in a river, or “wouldn’t it be neat” if really they were a princess and one day they were taken back to their real family’s castle.  My daughter wondered perhaps  if I was an alien in disguise one day! 
  • Peer relationships become more important than before.  There are sleep-overs going on in my neighborhood amongst the nine-year-olds.   Some mothers have told me there is even the emergence of “cliques” at their place of worship or in other activities.   I have observed there can be  a little bit of cattiness sometimes when a “new girl” enters an activity, something the adults have been really careful to step in and guide appropriately with simple rules and being present.
  • Nine –year-olds have a strong sense of fairness, and of what is “good” and what is “bad”.  They want to do the right thing.
  • Some nine and  a half year old girls really seem to be going through bodily changes that take some adjusting to on both a physical and emotional level.  They may be gaining weight, or getting taller, or, if they became heavier at age eight, may actually be slimming down.
  • Nine-year-olds have questions about God, death,  birth, life and everything in between!
  • Nine-year-olds many times do want some separation from younger siblings.  Not all the time, but at least to have a few times here and there with just children of their own age.  I have seen this in families whether the children are homeschooled or go to public or private school.
  • Some nine-year-olds like something competitive, but nine-year-olds are also pretty hard on themselves when they cannot do something well.  They are beginning to notice what friends is good at what.
  • There is some borderline (or more) talking back to parents that does seem to occur around this age.  They know what the rules of the house are, but they don’t mind letting you know they don’t like that rule. 
  • Nine-year-olds may be interested in small businesses, making money.

Here are some suggestions for the age 9 for girls:

  • Spend time with your girl where you can focus on her and listen to her.  It may be hard for her to open up to you with smaller siblings running around and listening, and she may need time with you just the way a smaller child does.
  • Build up a supportive community for your nine-year-old that includes other adult women who are good role models for your daughter.
  • Keep reinforcing the positive things about what your daughter can do with her mind and her body.
  • Nine-year-olds really benefit from having involvement in a religious or spiritual community.  Investigate your own beliefs and work to make this happen for them.  Festivals and holidays can be carried to new heights when a nine-year old has responsibilities different than the smaller children.  They are ready!
  • Talk to your nine-year-old about money and earning money and saving money.  One resource our family has used and likes is this one from Doorposts:  http://www.doorposts.com/details.aspx?id=26
  • Talk to her about popularity and exclusion and what your values are as a family in how you treat others, how to stand your group in a group that is doing something different – and be around to supervise!
  • Daughters need their fathers.  Fathers can also talk about these issues and sometimes it carries much more weight than coming from mothers.
  • Recognize your daughter’s need for some separation as normal.  Family time is so very important, but having a time to play with children their own age here and there is also valuable.
  • Keep limiting the media.  Nine-year-olds still take things pretty concretely, the messages they see regarding body image still really affect them, and no nine-year-old needs to be propelled into teenager land.  Choose media wisely if you do it at all. 
  • Get a foundation of physical activity going.  This is important to deal with bodily changes, as well as laying a good foundation for movement prior to the heaviness and density that the age of 12 brings.

What have you noticed about your nine-year-old recently?

Many blessings,

Carrie

Preparing for the Six/Seven Year Change: The Importance of Boundaries

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One of the most pressing issues for the child of the traditional preschool age (ages 3 and onward) is learning to deal with boundaries.  I find many attached parents, especially first-time attachment parents, are rather slow about using boundaries.  It seems as if they equate boundaries with not being a good attached parent.  Attachment parenting does not mean letting the child do whatever they want at the expense of the needs of everyone else in the family.  That is not what attachment parenting is, and it sets your child and you up for difficulties that are much harder to un-do as your child grows older and the things you are dealing with become much bigger.

Children naturally are experimenting with boundaries during the years of  three to six  and beyond!  A child of three or three and a half really has their own will starting to emerge and is looking to see what the rules of the family are.  It is also an important time for the child to see what the social rules are beyond the immediate family.  A small child needs you to model manners and to help them.  We are certainly kind and respectful at home, but there are also certain ways we act outside of our home depending upon what we are doing and where we are.  What are the rules of conduct at the park versus the rules of being at a place of worship?  These are the things that small children are learning.

A sense of right and wrong can not be especially elicited before the six/seven year old change, but that certainly does not mean you just let things go and slide away.  You take your four year old by the hand and say “thank you” to the neighbor who has brought him a gift, even  if he is too shy to say it for himself.  You take your child who is being disruptive in a quiet place and step outside.  You physically help your three and a half or four year old draw a picture for the smaller sibling whom they were not gentle with. 

If you can start by putting these boundaries in place when children are small, then when your child moves into the ages of seven  and nine, they will come to see you as the loving authority that you are.  They will see that what you say means something and your voice will be a guide of wisdom.  I am sure as teenagers you all will remember certain things your parents would say, and  even  if you didn’t follow your parent’s advice about something, you probably could hear their voice in your head!  The parent’s loving authority is often like a conscience for the child as they work to  develop their own morality and their own right action.

But the groundwork for this is laid in the Early Years.  I cringe when I see three and a half, four, five and six year olds just doing whatever it is what they want to do with no regard for the feelings of others because the parent is not guiding the behavior at all.   Yes, children have temper tantrums, children melt down, children have difficulty playing together, things happen.    That is life with small children!  However, it is the job of the parent to help guide that child toward the boundaries that exist, to structure opportunities for success,  and yes, to step in a gentle physical way to help guide the child.  There is no “voice only” parenting from the sidelines with the small child. They need your physical presence. 

What you are doing today with your small child is very important for the future of your child and for the future of society.  What you do today matters!  The Early Years count!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Surviving Bedrest and Being Homebound With Medically Fragile Children

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Hi all,

I had a wonderful comment on one of my other posts regarding what I would recommend for parents who have medical challenges or for parents of micro-preemies who with the flu session and Winter need to stay home for several Winter seasons in a row.

It really is challenging to get a good mindset about it all.   One important thing I would like to say right off the bat is that this is a time to shore up your own inner work, your own prayer and meditation life, your own personal development.  These situations can really push one to grow.

 I was on bedrest with my second child, and it was one of the most challenging experiences of my whole life (because as many of you know I am a rather busy little soul).  However, I think I would handle it much, much better today. There is a really good thread here over at the Berkeley Parents Network  regarding bedrest, does it really work and is it worth it, how to handle it, etc:   http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/pregnancy/bedrest.html

There is an organization devoted to mothers experiencing bedrest and high-risk, complicated pregnancies here: http://www.sidelines.org/

I think one of the main things with bedrest is to have people available to talk to who can understand your feelings.  If you are on bedrest with an older child, I think it can quickly dissolve into the fact that you cannot mother your older child the way you want, and you feel as if you are failing the baby inside of you as well.  If you have multiple older children, it also the sheer logistics of caring for everyone, being stretched as a couple, perhaps having family members come and stay for weeks on end (which can be challenging).  There is a lot to think about and plan, so I highly suggest those above links.

As far as being homebound with children who are medically fragile for the Winter, I do understand how hard this can be for parents!  It seems especially difficult  when one has  to do this for the second Winter season in a row after having some freedom in  the Spring and Summer.  For many parents, it was hard enough to slow down for the first Winter season! 

I would invite you, though, to close your eyes and imagine your little micro-preemie or medically fragile child as healthy and whole due to staying home.  Imagine them thriving due to a healthy rhythm, lots of rest and sleep and time to just be. 

That being said, here are a few suggestions:

  • Every family dealing with a second season of isolation due to RSV season has their own way of doing things – some allow family members to visit, some have their child avoid contact with children who are in day care, some avoid indoor places and only go to outdoor places.   Some are on complete and utter “lock-down” at home.   I think it is very important to dialogue with your health care team as to what is right for your individual child and to decide as a family how you will handle this.  I think it also helps to know how many cases of RSV are out there in your own state, you can check here:  http://www.cdc.gov/surveillance/nrevss/rsv/state.html
  • Try to have a rhythm of when you might bundle up and go outside if that is a possibility, even if it is just to walk around your own yard, when to do finger plays, when to do some work around the house, rest and sleep times, bodily care.  This post may actually assist you:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/06/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-one-and-two-year-old/  Rhythm is especially important for children who were premature as this helps the child’s sense of balance in life and flexibility.
  • The entire focus of the day should not be hovering over your small child anxiously….the focus should be in creating a warm, peaceful, home with peaceful mother hen energy where you as the parent are setting the tone of your home.  You have important work to do in your home that your child can help with and imitate.  You have more to do than just sitting there looking at your child.  This will help their development more than anything!
  • Think about how to nourish the caregiver.  When can Mommy go out on her own to run errands?  How about something you enjoy doing that you could do at night once your wee one is asleep? 
  • Do you have the support of your local place of worship?  Do they know what you are experiencing?  Can they be of support to you? 
  • Do you have anyone locally you can get support from either in-person or on the phone?  I have heard of some parents of micro-preemies meeting up on meetup.com or the like…perhaps over the Winter, one could not meet in person but one could keep in touch and support each other over the phone.
  • Who else could help with  running errands for you or could you order things on-line?  What is your plan if you have a traveling spouse or your child does actually get sick?  Do you have some meals frozen?
  • What can you do to experience nature indoors if you cannot go out?  Can you set up bird feeders, can you have a fish tank, can you start a potted herb garden or plant bulbs?
  • Depending upon the age of your child, can you have lots of holiday craft supplies on hand?  Music and songs to sing and learn? 
  • What about the child’s gross motor abilities?  Can you have an under the bed box full of sand and sand toys and put a tarp under it?  Water play?  Can you hang a swing somewhere? 

These are just a few suggestions, take what resonates with you.  Also, if you are a mother who has survived bedrest or staying in a season, please leave your ideas and suggestions for other mothers below.  You could be a real blessing to someone today!

Love your children and live big,

Carrie

The One-Year -Old

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15

Right now, I have the great and distinct privilege of closely watching some one to eighteen -month old children grow and develop and change.  I love watching what interests them! 

Have you ever noticed that the one-year old likes to:

  • Eat and drop things over the edge of their chair, feed the dog, and drop the food down their shirt or put it in their hair.
  • Move furniture around
  • Take things in and out of something or open and shut something.
  • Shriek loudly.
  • Wiggle out of your arms and move!
  • Watch what you are doing and imitate the motion of it
  • Use different objects to imitate the gesture of  things (ie,  use a kitchen spatula or a spoon for the gesture of  combing their hair)
  • Be outside to feel the grass, the dirt, the leaves…..and to try to eat it all
  • Be sung to and have fingerplays and rhymes bouncing on your knee
  • Laugh
  • Play peek-a-boo
  • Be held and kissed
  • Catch your eye when they are doing something and smile
  • Empty out a bookshelf or drawer of kitchen supplies
  • Roll a ball back and forth with someone
  • Give you things and take them back
  • Wave bye-bye
  • Make piles of mulch or leaves
  • Ride in a sling
  • Pull the cords out of things – look carefully around your house!
  • Go for walks
  • Talk! Coo! Communicate!

Have you ever noticed that a one to eighteen month old:

  • Is more likely to have erratic napping?
  • May wake up during the night due to teething or other developmental milestones?
  • May have an increase in appetite for solid foods  (or may not!)
  • Will still nurse a lot!
  • Can often have cold hands and feet – keep checking their levels of warmth

Just a few thoughts and observations.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Frail Child

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12

I have recently  been observing many children and they seem so frail.  They are not only frail physically, with spindly arms and legs (and no, I don’t want them to be fat!) but no hint or curve of any muscle mass.   They don’t seem to be able to carry anything for themselves.  They  appear to  have low endurance for running and playing and tend to pick sedentary things to do.

Many times, they also seem frail emotionally, falling apart at the least hint of anything not going the way they think it should.  Now, this absolutely can be “normal” for small children under the age of 9 who are going through stages of  developmental disequilibrium.  I think of children as having an excess of emotion when they are under the age of nine.  So, it is up to your discernment as a parent to decide if your child’s emotional state is normal for his or her age or if it is something that indeed needs “balancing out.”

Here are some ideas to help bolster up the seemingly frail child:

  • STOP TALKING!  Especially tone down your discussion of world events, crime, family drama in front of this child.  Offer limited choices.  This child needs to heal and really needs you to carry this weight of what they will wear or eat, and other little choices.  And before you decide this idea is ridiculous, try it and see if it changes anything in your family.  🙂
  • Watch your language – please stop commenting in front of your child about how sensitive, high needs, etc they are.  You are giving them an image of themselves that you yourself are creating!
  • No media.  See if you can cut back on your own personal use of media in front of this child.
  • Lots of time outside in nature for playing, wandering, dreaming  and doing more physical tasks such as walking on a log over a stream, climbing, etc.
  • Gardening is very healing.
  • FAMILY times of doing ACTIVE things – hiking, roller skating, ice skating, bike riding
  • Warmth – warming foods, nourishing foods and warm layers.  Hats, warm shoes. 
  • Emotional warmth – tell this child you LOVE them.  Meditate and pray over this child whilst they are asleep at night.
  • Adjust your own attitude – picture this child as rosy-cheeked and zooming around. Tell your child several times a day how fast they are, how strong their arms and legs are, how helpful they are.
  • De-mechanize your home so they have something to DO.  Wash dishes by hand at least once a day, rake instead of using that leaf blower thing, hang out laundry to dry, plant and garden and let them haul things around.
  • Stories – nourishing stories of nature for the four year old, simple nature stories and fairy tales for the five-year old, moving into even more fairy tales for the six and seven year old, and I even like Russian fairy tales for the eight year old and Asian fairy tales for the nine-year old. 
  • Healing COLOR.  For a prime example, check out these beautiful and nourishing  photographs of a workshop Suzanne Down did:  http://junipertreepuppets.com/color-and-light-puppetry-with-photos/  Just gorgeous!
  • Expect your child to contribute with chores and in areas of pet and household care with your physical presence right there – the child can weave in and out if they are under the age of 7, but do the same thing at the same time every day for this child’s chore.
  • REST and SLEEP times.  Warmth – tuck one of those cherry stones in their bed if need be or a hot water bottle, warm flannel sheets, warm pajamas.  Calm nighttimes where the house goes to sleep and you all say good night to the world.
  • Check into any of the following as they resonate with you: flower essences, homeopathy, cranial sacral work for support for your growing and developing child.

I hope this is helpful to you all.

Many blessings,

Carrie