Category Archives: Book Reviews

“Discipline Without Distress”: Tools for Discipline of Infants

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Yes, we are still going through this book!  I am looking forward to getting through to the end of it, though, because I have another book I really want to delve into on this blog (a surprise! :))

Today’s chapter is Chapter 7:  Discipline Tools for Baby 0-1 Years:  Attachment.  It seems difficult to some of us that we need to even discuss “discipline” of this first year of life, but since a 1994 Canadian study showed that 19 percent of US mothers spanked their children under one year of age, I guess that we must address this.  There is also an attitude, at least here in the United States, that an older  baby could be “manipulating” a mother by his or her behavior  (this one baffles me, but I hear it a lot in mainstream parenting circles, so I thought I would throw it out there!).

Author Judy Arnall writes:  “We discuss discipline tools with a baby for two reasons.  First, the baby year is a time for bonding, attachment and relationship connection; a solid concrete foundation that effective discipline is built upon.  Also, the literal interpretation of the word “discipline” means to teach.  We “teach” babies from the moment they are born, by our responsiveness and nurturing, that they are loved and cared for.” 

An older baby is  mobile and yes, often  “getting into things”.  They are gross motor driven.  They cry and fuss to make their needs known.  They may cry and you may not be able to uncover the reason at all.  They sleep, they make a lot of noise (screeching, gurgling, cooing, babbling, repetitive syllables).  They look at things, they explore things and put things in their mouth to taste them and explore them.  They also  IMITATE YOU.

Judy Arnall also reminds us of the stranger anxiety many babies experience at around eight months (usually 8 to 15 months or so).  Do not expect your baby to be happy to go to and with just anyone!  Ten months is the beginning of separation anxiety and they do not want to leave their main caregiver.  Separation anxiety can last throughout the early years, the baby has an intense need for his or her mother throughout those years.  If you meet his needs to be dependent upon you, he will feel much more secure!

The best discipline tools for a baby are BEING RESPONSIVE when a baby cries, to hold, sing, speak, love your baby with gentle words and gentle hands.  Author Judy Arnall lists the discipline tools for babies as being PARENT time-out, fulfill the baby’s needs, learn about child development, substitution,  supervision, prevention, redirection, change environment, distraction, spending time together, parenting problem-solving, holding, hugs and cuddles.  She also adds using active listening and I-statements.  I guess these tools could sound very radical to a parent who has never heard of them or knows no other ways.  Sometimes these things don’t actually come naturally to parents.  This chapter gives great examples of each of these things.

One thing the author reminds us is that up until age TEN, children need constant supervision by an adult who is engaged with them.  She also writes about the importance of prevention:   if your child is doing something due to a developmental phase, have a plan as to how you will respond to it in the future.  She talks about saying positive things to your baby, such as “I love you!” “I am so glad you are mine!”  I like that idea of that warmth and  joy and love!  So, stop complaining and replace those complaints with positive thinking and positive things to say to your child!

She writes an entire section on sleep issues and how a one-year-old has a very limited memory and almost no cognitive reasoning skills so therefore a baby cannot “manipulate” you regarding sleep.  She writes about the dangers of “crying it out” which I whole heartedly agree with.  She also writes strongly about how the first three years of a child’s life as critical for developing trust in an adult caregiver, and how it is important to respond to your child.  This is important, even at night!  Parenting does not stop at nighttime!

She asks readers to “reconsider co-sleeping” and talks about how to make a safer family bed.  I completely endorse co-sleeping if that works for your family and have written a post about it here a long time ago:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/ .  The Dr. Sears books also talk in depth about co-sleeping.  Co-sleeping does not always mean sharing a sleep surface.  For example,  it can also mean a sidecar approach with a crib or co-sleeper, or putting your king sized mattress on the floor so no one can roll off or having a bed in your room for your children.   There are many tips for safer co-sleeping on the Mothering Magazine website, Dr. Sears website (here is just one example of talking about safer cosleeping on the Sears Family website:  http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp)  and in many books.  Check it out and devise a plan that works for your baby and for your family.   

This chapter talks about many ways to soothe a crying baby – go through your mini-checklist:  illness, food, diaper, gas, clothing tags, too hot/too cold, is the baby just waking up and really needs to go back to sleep?, try motion, try white noise, try babywearing, swaddling, rocking, humming, check and see if baby is overstimulated and really just needs a dim, quiet place to calm down. 

She talks about colic, about parents taking a time out, about parental actions that build a child’s sense of security.  She has a whole section on marriage and  how having a baby affects marriage and tips for that season in marriage. 

I recommend this book over and over, and over.  Here is the Amazon link:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269482616&sr=8-1

Much love,

Carrie

Favorite Spring Tales For The Waldorf Kindergarten

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Like the Fall Tales List for Waldorf Kindergarten, this is NOT an all-inclusive list, these are just some tales I have enjoyed or I know other mothers have used at these ages…..Happy finding the tales that speak to you and to your family!

 

January (Okay, still Winter!)

Four Year Olds:  Shingebiss (Winter Wynstones)

Five Year Olds:  The Snow Maiden (Plays for Puppets)

Six Year Olds:  The Twelve Months (www.mainlesson.com); 

February

Four Year Olds:  “Pussy Willow Spring” from Suzanne Down’s “Spring Tales” or a story about how the snowdrop got its color

Five Year Olds:  “The Rabbit and the Carrot”  a Chinese Tale found in the Spring Wynstones and also in “An Overview of the Waldorf Kindergarten”

Six Year Olds:  “The Three Brothers” by the Brothers Grimm

There are also a few Saint Valentine’s Day stories on mainlesson.com

 

March

For  ages three and a  half or so  and up for Saint Patrick’s Day:  “Lucky Patrick” from “Spring Tales” by Suzanne Down

There is also a great “leprechuan” circle adventure/movement journey in the book, “Movement Journeys and Circle Adventures” based upon “Tippery Tim” the leprechaun in “Spring Tales” by Suzanne Down

Four Year Olds:  The Billy Goats Gruff

Five Year Olds:  “Little Brown Bulb” from “Spring Tales” from Suzanne Down or “Little Red Cap” from Brothers Grimm

Six Year Olds: “ Bremen Town Musicians” from the Brothers Grimm;  or “An Easter Story” from “All Year Round” or “The Donkey” by The Brothers Grimm

 

April: 

Four Year Olds:  Goldilocks and The Three Bears

Five Year Olds:   “Mama Bird’s Song” from “Spring Tales” by Suzanne Down  or”Rumpelstiltskin” by the Brothers Grimm

Six Year Olds:  “Frog Prince” from the Brothers Grimm

 

May

Four Year Olds:  “Chicken Licken” or “The Pancake”  with Spring details

Five Year Olds:  For Ascensiontide, the story “Forgetful Sammy” from “All Year Round” or “Twiggy” from “Plays for Puppets”

Six Year Olds: “The Magic Lake at the End of the World” (from Ecuador, found in “Your’re Not The Boss of Me!  Understanding the Six/Seven Year Transformation)  or “Queen Bee” from the Brothers Grimm  or “Forgetful Sammy” or “Twiggy”  as listed for the five-year-old.

 

June

Four Year Olds:  “The Pancake” with spring/summer details

Five Year Olds:  “Goldener”  (Plays for Puppets)

Six Year Olds:  “Snow White and Rose Red”  or “A Midsummer Tale” from the book “An Overview of the Waldorf Kindergarten”, also in “Plays for Puppets”

What are your favorite stories?  Please add them below!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Out Of The Frying Pan

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….and into the fire I leap.  You can see my controversial opinion of the RIE movement that is making inroads into Waldorf Early Care here :  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2010/03/review-a-warm-and-gentle-welcome-a-wecan-publication.html

For those of you who have not heard of this movement, here is the beginning part of the review I wrote that explains what is happening:

A Review: “A Warm and Gentle Welcome: Nurturing Children from Birth to Age Three”

“This is the Gateways Series Five book which consists of a series of articles compiled from the work of the Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North America RIE/Pikler Working Group. I bought this book because I am a Waldorf homeschooling mother with an extreme interest in the Early Years. Also, as a neonatal/pediatric physical therapist, I really wanted to understand more about the RIE/Pikler approach that is seems to be becoming part of the world of Waldorf for children from birth to age three.

Unfortunately, I found I had more questions than answers after reading this book than when I started.

The underlying assumption of this book is laid out in an article of Introduction by Trice Atchinson and Margaret Ris: that there is a growing conviction within the Waldorf movement to “respond to the needs of the times” (ie, child care for younger and younger children) and because Rudolf Steiner’s indications for working with children and adolescents in Waldorf schools had been put to practical use for many decades, little existed on how best to meet the needs of children at the very beginning of life – particularly in light of societal trends such as daycare, single parenting, dual working families and the isolation of at-home mothers.” Therefore, a working group associated with WECAN began to investigate Resources for Infant Educarers, or RIE, founded by Magda Gerber, as a resource for the child at the beginning of life.”

To read the whole review I wrote, please see the link above.  I have grave and serious concerns about this approach, which my review details.

For those of you looking at Waldorf early, early care (for birth to age three), please do a bit of research regarding this issue and see how you feel about it; really talk to the provider and see what approach they use within their care.  This way you can make the best decision for your family.

Blessings,

Carrie

A Review: “Kindergarten With Your Three To Six Year Old” by Donna Simmons

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This is a spiral bound book of 100 pages  by Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool Resources,  and it really is a book that you can turn to time and time again.  I have even  had parents who are not Waldorf homeschooling  tell me how valuable they thought this book was for the Early Years and homemaking with small children!    So, I think this book would be worth the addition to your library.

I love Donna’s Introduction.  One thing she wryly notes, “Let’s not forget that Waldorf Kindergartens are based on what a healthy home environment should be like!  So it seems an odd reversal that parents now seek to make little Waldorf kindergartens at home!  You do not need hundreds of verses, scores of songs, stacks of fairy tales to “do kindergarten”:  you need strong and nurturing family rhythms; opportunities for open-ended play; the will to include your children in household tasks; and the courage to tell stories to your children.” 

This book, as Donna remarks herself in the Introduction, is not a set curriculum to tell you what to do everyday.  She goes on in this book,  however, to provide tools for you to establish a healthy homelife, which is really what the Kindergarten Years should be about.  She talks extensively about the major “points” of Kindergarten:  physical activity, developing the senses, the idea that the small child is one with his or her surroundings, imitation, creative play.  She even  has a chapter as to what to do about people outside your family – what do you do about neighbors, people wanting your children to watch TV or play video games in these Early Years, how do you do play dates?

One of the most valuable sections in the book is the section on “Family Life.” In it are many examples of rhythms, how to create a strong family rhythm, how to work with multiple children because homeschooling is first and foremost about family, how to choose toys, what to do about electronic media, ideas about discipline and about children with special needs. 

One chapter is entitled “A Typical Day” and runs through several different rhythms and then goes on to discuss how to do different components of the rhythm – household chores, morning walks, story times, creative play, bed and rest times.

She has recipes for making salt dough, how to wet on wet watercolor paint, how to make a nature table, cooking with small children,  ideas for crafts and handwork, coloring and drawing, and how to choose fairy tales and tell them. 

I think a very valuable section of this book is “The Six Year Old” chapter.  As many of you know, I think that the six-year-old Kindergarten year is very, very important and that the child  should be seven for most of first grade.  This chapter provides some very excellent ideas regarding how to structure that six-year-old year, projects to include, what to do with academic interest in the six-year-old year and answers to other challenges that are unique to the six-year-old year. 

There is also a Questions and Answers section, and a section that includes a scattering of fairy tales, traditional rhymes and seasonal verses, music,  and a section on what to read next to educate yourself as to Waldorf education and Waldorf parenting. 

Here is link to look at this book yourself:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/early-years/kindie.html

Happy reading,

Carrie

Which Early Years Book Should I Buy?

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In my mind, the ‘big three” of the Early Years books are “Beyond the Rainbow Bridge:  Nurturing Our Children From Birth To Seven” by Barbara Patterson and Pamela Bradley; “You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” by Rahima Baldwin Dancy; “Heaven On Earth” by Sharifa Oppenheimer.

Here is a quick run-down of each book, and then some additional resources for you consider.

“Beyond the Rainbow Bridge:  Nurturing Our Children From Birth to Seven” is frequently, at least in my area, given out at Parent/Child classes in the Waldorf schools.  So, although the information in this book could definitely be applied to older Kindergarteners, there are plenty of nuggets of wisdom for the younger set.  This book is soft-cover and is 193 pages long. The chapters in this book mainly focus on warmth, rhythm, play at different stages (newborn to two and a half; two-and-a-half to age five and age five to seven), developing the twelve senses and a section on creative discipline.  There is also a section on Parent/Child classes, some sample crafts, verses and a fairy tale list.

My recommendation for this book would be to look for it if your children are younger or  if you are involved in a Parent/Child class for the first time.

“You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” by Rahima Baldwin Dancy is often available through your library system, so look for it there first.  This is a book I turn to time and time again, because I read different things in different ways as my children grow and I look back on those ages.  This book covers a lot of territory, starting with the notion that children are not tiny adults, that the consciousness is different, going into receiving and caring for your newborn, looking at the stages of babyhood and toddler hood through the lens of learning to walk, mastering language, the emergence of thinking and of self.  There are chapter on helping the development of your baby and toddler, parenting issues of the first three years, developing your child’s fantasy and creative play, developing your child’s imagination and artistic ability and musical abilities, rhythm and discipline in home life and more about play-based kindergarten experiences and parenting issues.  This book is also soft-cover and is 385 pages long.  Whilst I don’t agree with every single thing in here, there is much to be treasured.  In fact, you may get it from your library and then decide you would like a copy of your own!  I am positive you can find this book used and get it  fairly cheaply.

“Heaven On Earth:  A Handbook for Parents of Young Children” by Sharifa Oppenheimer is a soft-bound book of 235 pages.  There are many concrete examples in this book of, for example, a rhythm of weekly breakfasts, songs and verses, recipes, lists of things such as “elements of a balanced outdoor playspace”, and more.  The unique layout feature of this book is the boxes that these lists and recipes come in in the margins of the pages. There is quite a lot to digest in this book, and I think it would be easy to plan some concrete changes in the rhythm of your life based on some of the things in this book.  I would suggest you IGNORE completely the references to time-out in this book, that really did bother me, as time-out is not something I have ever seen reference to in any other Waldorf Early Years book.  Many mothers love this book, some Waldorf schools run “book club” type meetings around its chapters, so I think this one is worth checking out.

Other references you may consider reading include “Simplicity Parenting” ( I have a review on this blog; it is hard cover and I have heard some library systems have this book);  Donna Simmons’ “Joyful Movement” which has information about the holistic development of wee ones with lots of concrete suggestions about what to do and not do for different ages and also  Donna Simmons’ “Kindergarten With Your Three to Six Year Old”.  I have heard some mothers who like Melisa Nielsen’s “Before the Journey” – this book does have crafts, recipes, and follows the festivals/seasons of the year.  It is in story format and  tells how four different women of different religious/socio-economic backgrounds bring Waldorf parenting and education into the lives of their small children in a journal –type form where each of the four mothers (one for each season) journals about what they are doing and what they are discovering.   The other book many people in my area discount because they cannot stand the way breastfeeding and other attachment practices are viewed is Joan Salter’s “The Incarnating Child.”  I think if you can ignore the references to weaning and such, there are many gems to be found in that book from an anthroposophic viewpoint (but I also know so many AP parents who read it and were completely turned off  and turned away from Waldorf because of that book so please don’t say I didn’t warn you, I am an AP parent as well!)  So, again, if you can read it and ignore the fact it is not AP and just cherry-pick the anthroposophic nuggets out of it here and there, I think you will be okay.

Hope that helps!

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress: Chapter 6: Your Child Is Unique: All the factors that affect discipline”

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We are still plugging away through this book, do see the back posts on each chapter.  Amazon has this book for sale here:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264905764&sr=8-1

Today we are looking at the chapter that talks about the influences on discipline from  your child.

First up is the idea of developmental milestones and stages.  For those of you who regularly follow this blog, you know I am big into this.  Characteristics of ages three to nine are now on this blog, you can use the search engine to look up ages.  I am working on posts for the one-month-old through age two and a half as we speak, so eventually every age from birth until the nine-year-change will be represented on here and I hope that will really help many, many parents. 

Judy Arnall points out that once children reach a new stage, they can regress backward to a previous stage until they move forward again.  Parents can often view this as “misbehavior” or that the child is “just doing this to annoy me; they know better” when in reality they are getting used to this new stage and learning. 

The author addressed temperament, and how the intensity of temperament is what often counts.  I personally think that temperament, at least the traditional view of temperament, is often highly charged and read into by parents.  I know that offends some of  you, and I am sorry for that, but in my personal experience and in my observation of hanging around the attachment parenting community for a long time now, I think that we should put less “labels” on it all and focus on meeting a child’s behaviors where they are.  Sensitive children do need lots of understanding, but so do all children.  All children, even so-called “easy-going” children go through days where their behavior is more challenging and they need help and guidance and connection and warmth.  Part of the personal development and inner work in parenting is learning to be calm during these times, to help guide the child, to meet the child with warmth and understanding and connection. 

My problem with the labels (and I have said this before in my post on the older child with “high needs”)  is that they have a way of not disappearing as the child grows – once a “high-needs baby” then a “high-needs child” then a “high-needs dramatic teenager”.  Yes, there are those personality traits associated in much of the attachment parenting literature (persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level, first reaction, mood), and everyone does have these traits to different degrees, but what a boring world it would be if we were all easy-going!  Sometimes I just feel that “high needs   I know some will totally disagree with this, I  just want to challenge parents to meet their babies and children where they are, without labels  and judging and just meet them with love.  You can use the search engine to find more posts about the “high-needs” baby and child and older child.

One thing the author does mention, which I think is totally true, is that some children are more distractible than others, and how sometimes a child who is sensitive to noise and other stimuli end up with massive temper tantrums.  Judy Arnall  puts this under the label of the “highly spirited child”.  One other thing she points out about this type of child is that rhythm, warmth, rest/sleep, physical contact, is very important for this type of child.  These are the things that Steiner saw as important for every child, and I find it interesting,  this intersection of attachment parenting and Waldorf parenting (again!)

The author talks about allowing spirited children to have their whole range of emotions, but again, I think this is important for all children. I feel that yes, some may have more intense demonstrations of emotion that last longer, but all children have emotion! In younger children, the emotions are more undifferentiated (most small children when upset just feel “bad” for example, if you ask them), and the ability to verbalize emotions increases with age and maturity.  In this chapter, the author  talks about the need for the spirited child to have boundaries that cover the important things and not to “battle” over smaller things – this is something I advocate for dealing with all children. 

Moving along!

The author tackles maturation and birth order. The birth order section was interesting to me, birth order always is. 

She recommends for the oldest to give privileges with age, to be careful of their mothering or fathering tendencies and do not put them in charge of siblings all of the time, encourage fun and spontaneity, reinforce that mistakes are okay.  For middle-born children, she recommends encouraging help with chores, asking their advice and avoiding comparisons, put them in the number one position at times and to give them some new things instead of hand-me-downs for everything.  For youngest children she recommends giving chores and responsibility, encouraging independence, and not doing less for them than you did for your oldest.  For only children, she recommends  giving lots of opportunities to develop friendships (okay, as an only child I take a bit of offense here.  Why is that all people seem to think that only children are spoiled brats and need to learn to share?  I have actually had people say to me, “Wow, you don’t act like an only child!”  I guess that is a  nice compliment in a back-handed way?! Hahaha.)  She also recommends for the only child letting them find things to do when they are bored, encouraging sharing and problem-solving skills for conflicts, and doing your best to avoid discussing adult problems and concerns with them (which I recommend for all small children under the age of 7).

She talks about the new baby-toddler syndrome (you know, where your three and four year old seem so big now that there is a baby in the house?)  The author talks about learning styles and multiples intelligences with their implications for discipline, and gender differences.  For a further look, do see back posts on the Elium’s “Raising a Daughter” and “Raising A Son.”  Excellent books as well on this.  She also discusses personality traits, love languages, sensitive children, and brain development milestones.

The brain development milestones is a section I think should be required reading for parents.  I believe today too many parents think their small child has the reasoning capability of an adult, which they strongly rely on in discipline.  This is a faulty view based upon the biology of the child.  The author here goes into every age and what they really do or don’t understand.  Here are just  a few examples, get the book to see all of them!

  • A two-year-old does not understand time-out or what they did wrong or consequences and has no impulse control.  Also has really no memory – when Mommy is gone, Mommy is gone.
  • At five years old, most seem to understand “no” means “do not do that.”  They comply with requests less than half of the time.  They still may hit or kick when frustrated.
  • At six years old, the child cannot “multi-task”.   They can do simple chores one at a time.   They are starting to understand a bit more about what is dangerous, but often doesn’t understand why something is dangerous.
  • Seven years can sit still for half an hour to forty-five minutes; begins to know what is dangerous and why but will forget in the moment if preoccupied with something else
  • Eleven years – stops hitting other person when they are angry, can understand social implication of lying and swearing
  • Twelve years – can do chores without nagging or reminding
  • Twenty to twenty five years is when the frontal lobes are still developing (the frontal lobes control logical thinking and planning, understanding consequences).

I love things like this because they really prove and demonstrate how slowly children develop. 

The author remind us that children are ego-centric, loud, messy, can put themselves in dangerous situations, don’t know how to clean up, very active until about age 12 and need that balance of physical activity versus quiet activities, they are not time focused, they don’t know how loud they are, they are honest, they do things without thinking!

Does this description sound like any of the children in your life?

Love for today,

Carrie

“Discipline Without Distress”, Chapter Five

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(This is such a valuable chapter, focusing on parental anger and how to handle anger in children.  Here is a brief summary of the chapter and some of the tips and some of my thoughts; I encourage you to get the book and read it for yourself.  It is a keeper for the bookshelf, and  covers ages from babyhood through teenagers, so you can use it for many years).

Onto the post:

Ah, you all thought I forgot about this!  I did summaries of the first four chapters, and yes, we are going to finish the book! (You can find summaries of the first four chapters of this book if you use the little search bar and type in “discipline without distress”).    This chapter is entitled, “Good Parents Feel Angry:  Separate Your Anger From Your Discipline”.

Judy Arnall writes,” We need to take responsibility of our actions when we are angry.  Discipline means having the vision to see the long-term picture and keep things in balance.  A Chinese proverb teaches, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” It’s so much easier to watch what we say in anger than to apologize and try to make amends.”

She lists the reasons parents becomes angry; it is a long list but at the top of the list is “My child doesn’t listen to me”, which, of course, really means “My child doesn’t do as I ask.”  (Their hearing is fine!)

She adds to list anger caused not by the child, but by things going on with US.  Alcohol, stress, our own needs not being met, low tolerance of normal childhood behaviors (remember ALL those posts I did on “realistic expectations” for each age up to age 8??!)

Anger is healthy, it is normal, but the author points out the goal should be to solve a problem.  It alerts us to change, she writes.  Marshall Rosenberg of Nonviolent Communication writes how anger is a sign our needs are not being met. 

Judy Arnall’s method of managing anger is based on the acronym ANGER.  A=Accept it, N=Neutralize it, G=Get Away, E=Examine why, R=Resolve and problem-solve.

She goes through all these steps in this chapter.  There are pages of “calm-down tools” for the adult (that could also work for children).  She talks candidly about avoiding child-time outs when the parent is angry (and if you read this blog, you know I am not for child time-outs period.  I think they essentially teach the child nothing at all.  It does not solve the original problem in any way, shape or form.)

She writes, (and I agree 100 percent):  “When a parent sends a child to time-out, she feels stretched to the limit.  The parent feels upset because she is unable to control the child.  She needs a break from the child and has the power to send the child away.  When the child is gone, she can calm down and she feels more in control of herself, the child and the situation.  It SEEMS to be working.  Parents lose it because they believe they are supposed to be in control. Control is illusionary.  There is no such thing as control when another human being is mixed in the equation. Children have their own control.  The appearance of control is only maintained by our power as long as the children are little.  It’s easier to take a time-out yourself  than to force another person in time-out.”

There is a whole list of ways a parent can take a time-out for themselves even if their child is standing there.  She also has great tips for breaking the yelling habit.

The next section of this chapter is all about dealing with an angry child.  She writes, “We don’t have many role models of adults handling children’s anger.  Most often, we handle it the way our parents handled it.”

She details the ways children express anger: Babies with red faces and crying and grunts of protest; toddlers and preschoolers with hitting, screaming, yelling, crying, tantrums, throwing things, stomping feet; for middle childhood teasing, sarcasm, bullying, hitting, yelling, crying, throwing things, withdrawal and a sulky attitude and for teenagers sulking, teasing, sarcasm, hitting, yelling, throwing things, depression, withdrawal and other things under the heading of “attitude”.  Typically by age 10 or 12, she writes, a child can begin to handle anger without hitting or throwing things.

Children can get frustrated and angry from not having their needs met, by a parent who has completely unrealistic expectations for the age their child is (or the child’s developmental level is my added thought), feeling they have been treated unfairly, etc.

Carrie here:  As the parent, you are not responsible for your child’s feelings.  This can be such a hard thing to not want to own.  We listen to our child’s feelings, but the feeling does not belong to us to solve.  If your child is bored, sad, angry, happy – that belongs to the child.  You can have a rhythm, you can have a calm house and some children are still going to be more wild or more negative or whatever than other children of the same age (even accounting for those realistic expectations for their age!).  The only thing you can control is you.

I think the other work for you is to figure out your own “triggers” – does the house being a disaster set you off?  Being hurried?  Not having food or a menu plan going on so you are stressed around dinner time?  If you can figure out your stress triggers, then you can solve it and put a plan in place to make your house a calmer, happier place. 

Judy Arnall’s tips for reducing your child’s anger include using tools of solving problems, having realistic expectations for your child’s age (she is singing my song here!), avoiding hitting because that just shows that hitting  is what we do when we are angry, not to isolate the child if that makes them more angry, not comparing children, listening to your child’s frustration if they can verbalize it without interrupting.  She goes through her ANGER acronym approach for helping children manage their anger. 

She talks about “negating phrases”, which I especially liked because you hear them so much:  “Stop making a fuss”  “It’s no big deal”  “Can’t you be nice?”  “Nice little boys (or girls) don’t act that way.” “You don’t really feel that way.” “What’s wrong with you?”  “You are so ungrateful!” and many more.  It is a sobering list to read and think about how many times we hear parents talk this way to their child. 

The tongue is a powerful ally in parenting but it can also be a terrible weapon.  It is an area where many of us need to learn to be able to relax into silence ourselves, to smile or pat a child on the back, to just breathe a minute before we say something we will completely regret later on.

She has a whole section on temper tantrums, which are most common between the ages of  one and three and a half (although really, a teenager who is running around slamming doors to me is having a temper tantrum of sorts.  Do they ever totally disappear?)  But at any rate, this part of the chapter has tips and techniques for dealing with tantrums.  I do disagree with the author that a way to prevent power struggle temper tantrums is to “give lots of choices”.  I find most small children under 9 are much happier and less prone to tantrums if all the decision-making is not on their shoulders for what they should wear, eat, do.  Time-out is a very ineffective way of dealing with a temper tantrum.

She does detail how to move a tantruming toddler, how to get a tantruming toddler into a car seat (I personally have found it just best to breathe and wait a minute or minutes and not force a child into a car seat as hard as it can be to wait), how to deal with the “spirited child’’s temper tantrums, how to handle public misbehavior (and her number one tip is to have realistic expectations!  A toddler is not going to sit through going out to dinner!), what to do with the older angry child, and what to do about apologies. 

Carrie here:  The trick with temper tantrums is that YOU must remain calm.  YOU must be the rock in the swiftly moving stream! You must show your child how to have self-control!  Let this practice of developing your own inner self-control be YOUR inner work!

The very last part of the chapter involves “Counteracting Parent Stress” and she addresses fatigue and how to deal with it, how to get time for yourself in five, twenty, two hour increments; she has a section for couples and encouragement for spending time together, de-cluttering your life, the cleanliness of your home, and helping children play independently.  For facilitating children’s play she talks about unplugging the TV and other media and packing away many toys, leaving out unstructured play materials.  Sounds Waldorf to me!

Anyway, if gentle parenting and not spanking are new paths for you in you this New Year, I encourage you to check out this book.  I don’t agree with every single thing in it, but it sure would be a good place to start!

Here’s the link:  http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262460572&sr=8-1

Much love,

Carrie

Favorite Waldorf Resource #2: “Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids” by Kim John Payne and Lisa Ross

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Kim John Payne postulates answers to several of the more pressing parenting issues of our time and opens his book with the premise that “As parents, we’re the architects of our family’s daily lives.  We build a structure for those we love by what we choose to do together, and how we do it……You can see what a family holds dear from the pattern of their everyday lives.”

He goes on to say, “This book is about realigning our daily lives with the dreams with the pace and the promise of childhood.  Realigning our real lives with the dreams we hold for our families.”

This is an excellent book, full of the things I talk about on this blog all the time.  How did he read my mind, LOL?

In the United States, this Australian is a fairly well-known (in Waldorf circles at least!) educator  and speaker.  His website is here:  http://www.thechildtoday.com/About/ 

This book really is a wonderful book for all parents, and should be at the top of your gift-giving list for any parents you know. 

He talks about children in this book that are suffering from what he terms “cumulative stress reaction” (CSR), and how this can be helped by simplifying and not over-parenting our children because we are anxious about life.  He discusses how a child who is sliding to one end or the other on a behavior spectrum (a normal reaction to normal stress) can be assisted by simplifying. Children do learn from the normal stresses of life and build their own character and emotional intelligence from these stresses, but at the same time children do need some protection from adult information and worries, from so many choices and an ove -packed schedule of activities.

He talks about the concept of “soul fever”; how a child may be emotionally  overwhelmed, and how simplification can help this immensely and re-set this pattern (and of particular interest, he gives concrete examples of how to do this). 

He has a whole chapter on toys and the “power of less” as he calls it and includes a ten-point checklist to help you decide which toys to discard.  He has a whole chapter on how to establish rhythm, including meal and bedtime simplicity ideas. He has a whole chapter devoted to the idea of  balance in schedules and outside activities.  He addresses what to do about team sports and martial arts,  what to do about technology and adult information,and how to talk less to your children with very concrete examples.

This leads to my favorite quote (well, one of them):  “One way to “talk less” is to not include children in adult concerns and topics of conversation.”  He writes, “It’s  a misnomer to think that we are “sharing” with our children when we include them in adult conversations about adult concerns.  Sharing suggests an equal and mutual exchange, one that is impossible for a child to offer and unfair for an adult to expect…….”  He also makes a great point at the end of this section:  “There is one more point.  When there are topics that you don’t address with your child, they carry an image of you, and of adulthood, that retains an element of mystery.  When you have an inner life, your children have a model of self that is both loving and unique, an individual.   They’ll come to realize that there are things about you they don’t know, things that they may learn over time.”

I know attached parents and homeschooling parents may balk a bit at this notion, and I know it is difficult when you are with your children 24/7, but I urge you to keep part of your life and the adult concerns in your life for yourself.  You really don’t need to share every detail with your under-7 child or even your over-7 child!  You can still be a loving and attached parent without over-sharing too much information with your child.  Your child wants to love you, your child wants to RESPECT you and look up to you as this loving authority who can lasso the moon!  Give them that piece of their childhood, it is so vital and important!

Sorry to digress, onto the rest of the book.  Actually, I think I will just give you the link to it on Amazon so you can buy it and read it for yourself.  Here it is:

http://www.amazon.com/Simplicity-Parenting-Extraordinary-Calmer-Happier/dp/0345507975/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261878069&sr=8-1

We are also having a great discussion about this book on Donna Simmons’ Waldorf at Home Forum, please do come join us!  Here is the link: http://waldorf-at-home.com/  

Many blessings,

Carrie

“About Curative Education” by Carlo Pietzner

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Have you ever wondered about anthroposophical  curative education?  Here is a nifty little booklet to provide a solid introduction to this important subject:  Carlo Pietzner’s “About Curative Education”.   The lectures given by Rudolf Steiner in 1924 and now collected in “Curative Education”  is the foundation of this movement.  These were twelve lectures given by Steiner regarding specific indications for specific children which grew into curative education.  This little booklet aims to introduce some of the concepts Steiner put forth in these lectures.

Steiner introduced the concept that children and adults who have special needs should be seen as those who have “special tasks to be worked through in a special way.”  There is a thought that these affected individuals are in need of “soul-care”. 

Pietzner writes, “The concept implies  that by appropriate care and practice the soul-activity of a handicapped person can be guided and stimulated to become a mediator between that individuality and his unwieldy bodily nature.  It postulates an intact spiritual entelechy in contrast to a damaged, inadequate or one-sided bodily foundation.  But the soul needs help and support if it is to learn to mediate between its higher intention and its imperfect instrument.  An element of “healing” must become active.  And that is the foremost ingredient in the “special soul-care” that Rudolf Steiner provided.”  Curative education sees individuality as “indestructible”  and that an individual’s uniqueness provides us with ways to help.  An individual never is only the challenges he is facing in body, but himself.  

Curative education takes place in the classroom,  in the home, through daily life and routines.  This was a very remarkable idea in 1924!  Medical care and eurythmy. especially curative eurythmy,  are seen as a hand –in-hand approach with the curative teacher.  The spiritual resolve of this teacher and this teacher’s talent is of the utmost importance.  Steiner lectured as to the extreme importance of the relationship between the teacher and the person with special needs; there is a reciprocating relationship rather than a doctor-patient, caretaker-“suffering”  person.  The inner work and preparation of the curative educator is of utmost importance as this work involves the whole person.

Steiner lectured about this inner work, saying that the curative educator must feel called to this work, that the educator must work constantly to improve themselves and to be able  to connect their own intuit and attentiveness what they observe.   Clear insight is an essential skill, this ability to observe closely and then take it inside and see how one can best help.   “Perhaps the most valid diploma of the anthroposophical curative teacher is his enthusiasm for the experience of truth….That one has “passed” is often disclosed by the smallest event:  A child has mastered a deed long striven for. ….But it is not the achievement – and these are genuine achievements- not this that arouses the enthusiasm.  It is not a question of the success of a subtle training procedure.  Rather it is the confirmation of a specific expectation, of a confident hope that has based itself on innumerable observations.”  But the curative teacher and the  individual take this journey together, and it is always addressed to the individual, not just the symptom.  Remarkable stuff for 1924 and for today.

Pietzner goes on to write that the source of curative education was Steiner’s taking of Goethe’s work further:  “This fundamental source is the teaching of metamorphosis, that dynamic principle of transformation by which the spiritual manifests itself in the physical realm.”  Steiner used the image of the lemniscate to connect the head and metabolic-limbic system, using this as a piece on top of inner work and observation for the curative educator’s use. 

There is more in this little booklet regarding karma and curative education, the curative teacher as a co-creator with co-responsibility, curative teaching as an attitude, not just a profession, but I leave you to read this for yourself and discover the gems in it!

Carrie

Favorite Waldorf Resource #1: “Joyful Movement”

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Why is this one of my favorite Waldorf resources?

1. Did I mention I am a pediatric physical therapist?

2. Despite the perception that the Waldorf Early Years is one gnome and fairy fest (and I mean that in a loving way, not a snarky way because don’t we all love the gnomes and fairies?), the Waldorf Early Years are truly about working with a child through his or her body.

3. The Early Years are about protecting all of the 12 senses and for developing  the lower four of Steiner’s 12 senses and we do this through the way we act upon the body.

4. Most parents have little understanding of how to bring developmentally appropriate movement to their children.  (HINT:  It is not through organized sports as early as possible, as much as we all love a good baseball or hockey game!)

5. Uh, did I mention I am a pediatric physical therapist? LOL.

That is why this book is so wonderful and one of my favorites. There is nothing else out on the market like it for the Waldorf homeschooling family, and actually ANY parent would be enriched by reading it and implementing the things in this book!

Chapter 1:  Waldorf As Therapeutic Education (with a word about that most famous of topics, Waldorf Guilt!)

Chapter 2:  Creating a Nurturing Environment (Birth- about 18 months; Toddlers-3 Years Old; Ages 3-7; Ages 7-9)

Chapter 3:  Ideas and Advice :Bilateral Coordination/Body and Spatial Awareness (broken up into under age 5 and over age5); Fine Motor Skills for Hands and Feet’; Balance and Coordination (broken up into under age 7 and over age 7); Listening/Silence; Touch; Visual; Warmth; Memory; For Dreamy, Sluggish Children; Calming Down/Centering; Getting Into the Body/Gross Motor Skills; Smell, Taste and Touch At Home; Dominancy of Hand, Foot and Eye; Horseback Riding; Gardening; Being in Nature; Active Math; A Waldorf-Inspired Backyard Assault Course (ages 6 and up)/ A Backyard Obstacle Course; A Summary of Things to Be Aware Of

Chapter 4:  Songs, Fingerplays, Movement, Verses

Including Opening Verses, Closing Verses, Waking Up and Going to Sleep, Giving Thanks, In the Kitchen, Counting and Numbers for Kindergarten/First Grade, Autumn (any age), Winter (any age), Spring, Summer, Nature (any age), Fantasy and Fun, Tongue Twisters, Using the Hands:  Finger Plays and Clapping Games, Movement Verses, Clapping Verses for Older Children and other Ideas,

Chapter 6:  Groups (and yes, it does say Chapter 6 and I can’t find what page Chapter 5 is on as a heading)

This book is 101 pages long, so each section is only a page or a few pages.  And like other Christopherus books, it is spiral bound with paper covers.  (I personally always wish the covers were something sturdier). 

As you can see by the outline of the chapter headings, this book is one that will see heavy use through multiple ages and children, so I feel it is a worthwhile investment to have a book of your own.  

Here is a link to this wonderful book:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/publications-for-grades-1-through-5/joyful-movement.html

Happy budget planning,

Carrie