There was recently an excellent conversation on Mrs. Marsha Johnson’s list (waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com) about three-year-olds and “temper tantrums”.  One of the wonderful mothers on Mrs. Johnson’s list emailed me and stated how she always felt badly about that phrase: “temper tantrum”.

I have to agree with her.  If you think carefully about it, that is a phrase that really puts a mother on one side and a child on the other side.  A “temper tantrum” really implies that the child has a bad temper, that the child should be able to control his or her emotions and that this temper tantrum is a lack of self-control or self-discipline on the part of the child.

A “temper tantrum” is a need for connection.  A time when a child is feeling so badly, so over-stimulated, is a time when a child really needs you to guide them with love.  Sometimes all you can do is to be there.  Time-out  is not an effective tool for this; it promotes separation and isolation instead of listening and being with that child when they need you most.  Please see this back post for more about dealing with challenging behaviors:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/

So, let’s re-name temper tantrums once and for all.  I think “Connection Crisis” sums it up.  Your child needs you.

This reminds me of an article that was shared with me at a La Leche League meeting many, many years ago.  It was written by Pam Leo, author of “Connection Parenting” and appeared in the 1997 Winter edition of Empathic Parenting.  She took concepts from Faber and Mazlish’s “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and modified them. 

I am going to modify what Pam wrote, so here goes:

1.  When you blame and accuse me —

• I hear:  I’m no good, I do everything wrong
• I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need: for you to listen without interrupting and judging me, to set boundaries for me if I need, but most of all to love me despite my flaws and mistakes

2.  When you call me names —

• I hear:  I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m no good
• I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need: encouragement

3.  When you threaten me–

• I hear:  a person I  love is going to hurt me
• I feel:  afraid, in danger, unsafe, terribly alone
• I need: boundaries set and kept  in a loving way, I need to see a way to de-escalate conflicts peacefully, I need to feel your warmth and your love

4.  When you command, order or coerce me–

• I hear:  I have no choice, I am powerless, I don’t matter
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need: to be able to make mistakes when the cost is small in order to learn, limits but with enough freedom that I can still grow into being myself, understanding  and love

5.  When you keep warning me —

• I hear:  I am careless, I am stupid, I don’t think well
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need:  a safe way to channel my wonderful ideas, my energy

6.  When you make martyrdom statements:

• I hear:  I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am mean
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, guilty and bad
• I need:  to see how someone asks for help when they need it, to see how someone can take care of themselves and still take care of others, how someone exercises self-control of their mouth, how someone has a positive attitude

7.  When you make comparisons:

• I hear:  I am not good enough, everyone else is better, you don’t love me
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need:  you to guide me to improvement, you to show me how to solve a problem or a challenge

8.  When you are sarcastic —

• I hear: voice words and tones that don’t match the situation
• I feel: confused
• I need:  your sincerity, your gentle voice and hands to guide me, to see how children of different ages are parented in different ways

9.  When you make negative prophesies–

• I hear:  I will never do it right, I will never be enough, my life will be ruined
• I feel:  hopeless, unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need: your encouragement, your guidance, your ability to let me mistakes when the cost is small, your love and compassion, your demonstration that sometimes “okay” is “good enough”

10.  When you lecture and moralize —

• I hear:  I should be better than I am, I will never get this right
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless. alone and isolated
• I need:  your love, your boundaries to keep me safe, your warmth and understanding, your stories about what you were like at this age and what happened and did you ever at all feel the way I feel

Change your language and change how you feel toward your parenting

Many blessings,

Carrie