Monthly Archives: March 2010

Peaceful March: Small Children and Sleep

Posted on by
3

Here are a few more thoughts about small children and sleep:

If you have a child who never has slept well, and medical causes such as silent reflux and unaddressed food allergies have been ruled out, please do try to be calm.  This child has a hard time going to sleep, an inability to sleep as it is.  I know it is hard, I know it is challenging.  But if this were you, you would want to be treated with kindness, and with respect.

After that,  we do need to recognize that there are certain things that go with certain ages regarding sleep.  For example:

  • Ages two to five are times typical of nightmares (and even sleep terrors or  sleepwalking!)
  • At age two, there are many requests for water, for this, for that.  Try to anticipate what your child will need and want.  They may want a glass of water at night.  Try to keep the bedtime routine short and simple.
  • At age two- and- a-half, this is an age of ritual and tradition. They would like the same routine each night.  Try to keep the routine as simple as possible and be patient because this ritualistic approach to bedtime really is just a phase. 
  • To me, age four is about the time children sleep through the night really well, (many sources say sleep is much improved between ages three to four) unless they are still not dry at night and the wetness wakes them up.

Things to keep in mind for all ages:

  • Darkness and nighttime separation can be very scary to small children; please keep their needs in  mind!
  • Getting a child to “go to sleep” can be harder around the ages of 6 and 9 for developmental reasons.
  • Please realize changes in development, illness, stress, anxiety, travel, change in life events can really throw off sleeping
  • Magnesium, found in leafy green vegetables, is important for sleep.
  • Please avoid rough- housing before sleep
  • Does your child get up at the same time every day?  Does your child go to bed around the same time every day?  Most sleep sources seem to cite this rhythm as being important for setting the biological clock.
  • How much media does your child watch?  Many parents have told me their child slept much better after they cut screens out of their small children’s lives.
  • How much outside time is this child getting?
  • Do you also dim the lights and put your house to sleep as well at bedtime?  This can be very effective with small children
  • Do you have a short, simple routine leading up to sleep?  Do you have that special (calm, gentle, quiet) voice for telling stories before bed or reading a story before bed?  And please consider a one-book or chapter rule and if that would improve things for your child or not.  It might!  I think this goes along with simplifying the bedtime routine!

Peaceful nights,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part Two)

Posted on by
9

AN URGENT NEED FOR SLEEP: 

What if sleep for the family is really an emergency situation though?  There can be a darker side to all of this  if a mother is truly sleep deprived! 

I just have to say a brief word about  letting a baby “cry-it-out.”    First of all, there are  NO scientific studies that back up “crying it out”.  I have a wonderful article written by Macall Gordon that was published in Attachment Parenting International’s newsletter some years ago called, “The Dark Side of Sleeping Through the Night:  Four Big Reasons Why Crying-It-Out Doesn’t Make Sense.” This article is really fabulous, but I could not find it on-line at all, maybe someone else will be able to locate this article and post the link in the comment box.  At any rate, the first reason in this article is that “crying-it-out” is that it is  not supported by research at all.  In fact, as a pediatric physical therapist, I know that crying causes immune function to go down and cortisol (a stress hormone) to rise.  Why doesn’t anyone bother to  mention that in connection with “crying-it-out”?  The other issue I have with this, this time with my IBCLC hat on, is that mothers are biologically programmed through hormones and  through lactation to pick their babies up!  Why doesn’t anyone talk about that and the biological impulses we try to make mothers override by not validating their own biology?   From an attachment stand-point, and for future psychological health, for the future of the entire process of discipline and guiding child,  the entire first year is about an infant building up trust in a caregiver.   How does “crying-it-out” not harm this?   There are a multitude of other reasons that “crying-it-out” is just plain harmful! 

People who talk about an infant “playing you” or “manipulating you” at an early age over sleep have absolutely NO understanding of the biological or emotional  development of the child.  It is unfortunate. 

If you need someone to talk to, vent to, or ask about realistic sleep expectations,  please, please pick up the phone and call your local La Leche League Leader or Attachment Parenting Leader.  La Leche League even has a hotline now!  Call and talk to someone!

If you have an urgent need for sleep, the families I have worked with in the past have treated this as REAL.  It is urgent, it is as real as being sick!   We cannot be the mother we want to be when we are completely sleep-deprived!   Vacation time may need to be used so one can sleep and have another person at home to care for the infant.  A family member may need to come visit, or friends may need to come and help.  Our society can be such a disconnected one, and it can be so challenging to reach out to people and ask for help.  Yet, people are typically so willing to help. Other mothers have been there, and  they really do understand!

Make a plan for how you can figure this out.  Can  you sleep when the infant does?  What are doing that is more important than sleep?  Can someone help you with your other children so you can take your infant to bed and rest?  Can you all lay down together and rest?  Can you strip a room of dangerous-to-toddler items, lock the door with all of you in this room and rest? 

What can you do to help your child enter sleep more easily and rhythmically?  The first post in this two-part series had some suggestions for babies who really don’t sleep well, but I suppose the suggestions could be useful for anyone.

Children need a rhythm leading up to sleep or rest to help them wind-down.  How you do this in your family is up to you.  Some families have used a warm, calm bath.  Some have used reading books in that special nighttime/resting reading voice (which is different than the dramatic daytime voice!!).  Some families have used rocking, nursing, massage, foot massages, holding as parts of the bedtime routine.  How about singing lullabies?

Infants and children DO need to be parented to sleep.  Even an eight year old or nine year old likes being read to or to have a conversation before they go to sleep!  So, how you parent your child to sleep in your family is up to you as you are the expert on your own family!  All I would say is that if you are waiting to the point where your children fight through the bedtime routine or are completely wound-up, you may be starting too late.  Try earlier and see if that makes a difference.  

People ask me about co-sleeping and when their child will go into their own bed/sleeping surface. …. I remember one especially sweet nurse (an adult, obviously!)  I worked with and we were talking about this subject years ago and she said, “You know what?  When I go home and visit my mamma, I LOVE to jump into her bed.  It smells like her, and I miss seeing her!”  I loved that, the association of comfort and wanting to be near our mothers, even when we are adults.  I have seen some children take happily to their own bedrooms around two and a half or three and I have seen others do it more around the seven-year-change…Some children will still want to co-sleep when they have a nightmare, when they are getting teeth, when they don’t feel well, on special nights when they are so excited for the next day.  Warmth and love at its finest!

FROM A WALDORF POINT OF VIEW:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/13/a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

People ask me about sleep from an anthroposophic point of view, and the above posts are a great place to start.  The one thing I would like to add is that from an anthroposophic viewpoint, the small child is developing a relationship to time.  Modern medical studies confirm this in many regards; some studies I have read state that it can take up to 40 weeks in order to for an infant to have days/nights straightened out well.

Please do think of rhythm and routines leading up to nap/rest times and bedtimes as your friend.  I think it is important to guide our children in this regard, and to just not wait until they fall over from sheer exhaustion after they have been completely wound up!

All food for thought; as usual take what resonates with you for you and your family!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Peaceful Baby in March: Sleep (Part One)

Posted on by
10

I have had three local mothers in my over twelve years of parenting counseling who had babies under the age of six months who truly did not sleep.  It was very difficult.   All three cases were very active little girl babies who had a difficult time gaining weight, and once they became mobile older babies/toddlers they were so active that no one other than the mother could seem to watch the baby without the child ending up on the top of refrigerator,etc.  They were also toddler  masters of getting through baby locks and other child-proofing devices.  Whew!

I would like to go over a few points regarding sleep for these types of babies and then children in general. 

For babies under the age of 6 months who “don’t sleep”:

1.  Realistic expectations are key.  Know that there will be times they don’t sleep well due to teething and other developmental stages.  Also, how many hours a day are you expecting them to sleep?  Babies need time to be outside, time to play on the floor as well as the older babies.  They can also be a passive witness to what you are doing from the viewpoint of a sling.  Some babies also sleep very well in a sling.

I am sure many of you have seen “the sleep table” in “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” – there are things in this book that I vehemently disagree with, but I like the sleep table 🙂  It details the number of hours each day infants of different ages sleep, how many naps a day of different ages take and how long those typical naps are.  For example:  a six-month old is typically taking two naps a day for a total of 3-4 hours and sleeping 10-11 hours at night for a total of 14-15 hours whereas a 2 year old is typically taking one nap a day for one to two hours and sleeping around 12 hours at night for a total of 11 hours of sleep. 

2.  Biologically, we do not want babies to enter a deep sleep and “sleep soundly” though the night at an early age because 1.  this decreases calories for most breastfeeding babies;  studies have shown even babies at 10 months can receive up to 25 percent of their calories at night if mothers will still nurse their babies at night.  2.  not breastfeeding at night increases the chance of you getting your menstrual cycle back at night and takes away natural child spacing and  3.  the rate of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is highest between 2 to 5 months, so we don’t want deep sleeping then.  We want arousal out of sleep here and there to keep our babies breathing.

Please see these back posts regarding sleep and co-sleeping:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/25/the-early-bedtime/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/18/peaceful-bedtime-dreams/

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/

3.  For a baby under 6 months who is not sleeping well, but in a developmental plateau, not getting sick, and not teething, please check yourself. How anxious are you about them not sleeping?  Babies pick up on your anxiety! 

4.  Check warmth.  I find babies who are like this, and who are not gaining weight well,  are often actually  cold.  Check these back posts on warmth:

https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/06/warmth-strength-and-freedom-by-mary-kelly-sutton/

5. Check for food allergies and sensitivities, reflux and colic.  There have been some studies showing a positive resolution of colic with care from a qualified pediatric chiropractor; this may be worth a try.  For reflux, try www.pager.org

6.  As these children grow, I think it is VERY, very important to institute quiet activities with active ones, and yes, periods of rest.  We have had several posts in the past regarding “quiet time” that were hot debate.  You can see those here:      and here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/23/more-about-quiet-time/

Some of these children, particularly when small, will not just go and lay down at a rest time.  But it is worth it to all lay down together, to read a book or light a candle and snuggle together for storytelling.  That break is important. 

It is also important to note, I think, that these children NEED time in nature.  That may be only time they actually slow down and get involved in digging in the dirt or other really rhythmical activity that really transports them to a quieter place.

In the next part of this, we will look at what to do when sleep for the whole family is an urgent need, and also a Waldorf view of sleep!

Many blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful Guiding of Children

Posted on by
4

There are several steps to peaceful guidance of small children.

1.  It is important to  work hard at connection with these children during happy and joyful times.  Connection that is built up over time, and connection that is built in the moment of crisis are both needed. 

2.  It is important to attempt to guide from a place of understanding of developmental stages.  Many parents try to guide from emotion (ie, anger, yelling) or guide from a place of reasoning and extra explanations and such so the child will essentially agree with them regarding discipline and the action taken by the parent.  Neither is effective.  Guidance from place of developmental understanding and other tools are necessary.

3.  It helps to be working on yourself, and also to understand your own family culture.  Try this back post for help:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/what-kind-of-family-are-you/

4.  Boundaries are important!  Children need to learn how to function in society. What are the boundaries in your home? What are the rules?  It should not be all willy-nilly!  It matters what boundaries you set, so think about them and set them in confidence and love!

5.  The needs of ALL the family members matter!  The rhythm of your day, bedtimes, mealtimes, etc have to work for EVERYONE.  You are the designer of your family life and if something is NOT working, you must change it!

This is a brief summary of gentle discipline techniques according to age, up through age 8.   These are not all-inclusive lists, but just some things to get you started and thinking!

Children ages 1 -2:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, limited words, singing and verses and movement instead, avoid DIRECT commands because they will turn around and run the other way!  Don’t be afraid to pick your child up and move them.  Shape  the environment – don’t put all the toys out, etc.   Rest is important!  Getting the energy out is important!

Children aged 2:  Keep out of the home excursions very limited and simple.  Simple words (remember a child of 18 months is about at the “coat-hat-out” phase so a 2 year old is not too far ahead of this!  Do not provide choices about big things, esp at 2 and a half – they have a really hard time choosing and are likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears.  Have confidence, find your rhythm.  Do not expect two years to share! Shape the environment. Use imagination and fantasy for daily tasks, for changing activities.  Sideways, sideways, sideways instead of direct head on commands and demands.   Rest is important. 

Children ages 3 and 4:  Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out,  limited words and explanation, singing and verses and movement instead.  Let some of the behaviors go and ignore instead of trying to address every single thing. 

Children ages 5 and 6:   Connection, nursing, distraction, rhythm, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, limited words but more pointed phrases regarding behavior, verses, this is a time when children say things like “You’re not the boss of me!”  “no I won’t do that!”  “Make me do that!”  Calm down, and don’t respond in an angry manner.  You are the one shaping the situation, not them.  Be calm!

Children ages 7 and 8:  Connection, enough rest, enough outside time to get energy out, simple explanations, distraction still works to a limited extent. 7 year olds have a really, really hard time stopping to do what they are doing to do what you asked, so you can warn them in advance if that helps, and give them TIME to complete a task. 

Peaceful days in March and many blessings,

Carrie

Peaceful March!

Posted on by
10

Have I got a treat for you this month, and I am so excited to write these series and bring it to you all!  I was thinking about this month, the month of March, the month of Lent and the month of St. Patrick and it really led me to meditate on peace and  what peace means within the context of homemaking, parenting and creating a family culture.

What does it mean to have a peaceful home?  Is it the absence of conflict?  Actually, for me, it is not the absence of conflict.  I do not count it as a good day when there is no temper tantrum, no yelling, no fighting per se (of course that is nice when those days happen!)  But I guess what I am saying is that for me, peace is the ability to maintain my center whilst these things are happening.  Does that resonate with anyone out there? 

I got this cute email from a mother who said something to the effect that I seemed calm and centered and asked how she could attain that.  I chuckled, because I remember when my oldest was two and a half (and also heading into those three’s!) and I didn’t feel calm or centered.  I remember being unsure of how to handle two children.  I remember all those feelings, and  I remember feeling as if I had very little support.  That is why I started to write this blog because now I am at the point where I feel I do have something to give back. I have figured out some things and for the most part, I feel  do feel centered and calm, at least with the parenting part.    This doesn’t mean yelling never happens, anger never happens, or I never feel as if there isn’t enough of me to go around.  It doesn’t mean I don’t worry about my children, or sometimes wonder if the job I am doing is “enough”.  But what it means is that for the most part, I can take that and work with those feelings in a more positive way than I ever could before.  And you will be able to as well!  Come follow along with me this month and let’s talk about these issues!

One thing you may want to have for this month is just a blank Main Lesson book or a sketch pad or just blank paper and some art materials that you like, whether that is colored pencils or other things, just so you can jot down questions and your ideas.

For today, I want you to really think about how you feel about peace.

  • What would a peaceful home look like to you?  What would it sound like?  What would it smell like?  What does a peaceful home mean to your spouse?  Can you talk about this together?
  • Is peace for you the absence of conflict? Is it never having a raised voice? How can you look at peace from different angles or viewpoints?
  • What makes you feel centered and peaceful?  Is it reading, art, painting, knitting, exercising?  I see attached mothers who feel guilty about taking any time “alone”, and sometimes we can feel “alone” with a sleeping baby on our back :), but it is not wrong for you to need an hour to do something that nourishes you!
  • Where is your prayer and meditation time?  Whether your path is Christian, Jewish, Islamic or other spiritual traditions, I urge you to carefully think about creating a path this month that will nourish your soul.  If you are atheist, how do you work with this within your beliefs?  Can you draw or journal about this?  Pull out a calendar and put time in every day to do these spiritual things. Make that date to go check out a place of worship if that speaks to you.  Find the tradition and path that moves you!
  • Living with small children is physically demanding, it is repetitive.  Children are immature, they cry,they are noisy, they do things!  On the other hand, children bring a lot of joy, much laughter, they say and do funny things.  How can you reconcile these things to have peace in the midst of the noise and mess?

In parting for today, in  honor of St. Patrick’s day, let us remember the prayer attributed to him:

May the Strength of God guide us.
May the Power of God preserve us.
May the Wisdom of God instruct us.
May the Hand of God protect us.
May the Way of God direct us.
May the Shield of God defend us.
May the Angels of God guard us.
– Against the snares of the evil one.
May Christ be with us!
May Christ be before us!
May Christ be in us,
Christ be over all!
May Thy Grace, Lord,
Always be ours,
This day, O Lord, and forevermore. Amen.

Peaceful days and many blessings,

Carrie