Monthly Archives: January 2010

Dads, Waldorf Homeschooling and Parenting

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More questions from the field!  A wonderful mother and frequent reader writes in:

“My question….. I am having trouble convincing my husband that under 7’s are best served by being pictorial and active. He is a wonderful father that likes to give big, grown-up, factual answers to questions. He also likes to read grown-up stories to our four year old (Treasure Island, The Count of Monte Cristo). He is so proud of his smart son and feels that he is bright enough to listen to these stories. I try to talk to him gently about Steiner’s ideas for I do not want to micro-manage their relationship.

Our budget is very tight, so I would love a suggestion of something to read to him (so I can save my pennies and buy the best book that I need).
Thank you!”

Here are some  ideas:

  • As far as the “adult” answers to things, I think one thing  you can do is model.  When your wee one asks questions, see if you can answer and model in a pictorial way, an active way.    It also helps to get together with other families who have children who are the same age as your children, but also with some who have older children as well  so Dad can see how very little a four-year-old really is when compared to a ten-year-old (and also how immature a ten-year-old can truly be, LOL)
  • You can also have a heartfelt talk and talk about the “normal” four-year-old or six-year-old and realistic expectations for those ages.  The Gesell Institute books, whilst not Waldorf, backs up a lot of what four-year-olds and other ages truly understand (and don’t).  It also is anti-teaching a four-year-old to read, and lays out exactly what a child of each age is likely to do at the dinner table during meals, which are also frequently Top Dad Concerns.  I also have table manners under the “Starting Solid Foods with Your Infant” post on this blog. 
  • I think it also helps to talk about what we remember doing when we were four; if Dad can’t remember perhaps his mother is still alive and can recall some things about when Dad was four.  Not only great fodder for bedtime storytelling, but also can help point out that four is really darn little.
  • As far as Waldorf books, actually, I think Jack Petrash’s “Navigating the Terrain of Childhood” is one that really speaks to fathers, and the one I would recommend to start.  The other book I thought of was “Heaven to Earth” by Sharifa Oppenheimer.  That might also be a place to start if you don’t have that one……(just ignore the references to time-out in the last chapter of the book!  :))
  • And yes, I think being gentle and not micro-managing their relationship is important.  Your little boy is very lucky he has a Dad who wants to read to him every night.  The story is most likely going right over his head, but he is getting to spend time with his father, and that is priceless.   (I did have to laugh a bit about Count of Monte Cristo though!  I remember that from the 10th or 11th grade?!   College? :))   After some of these  books are finished, perhaps you can line up a few books that might be more appropriate for a four-year-old, (NOT by saying the other ones were inappropriate, of course, but just mentioning that many four-year olds really seem to like this book)  and also perhaps encourage storytelling.  Storytelling is wonderful!   Here is a list of books for the Under-7 crowd:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/more-books-for-children-under-7/    
  • The other thing to encourage is the “physical” piece on weekends – wrestling games, playing in the yard, being in nature,  all of those kinds of things to get both of them out of their head.   Dads are so good at roughhousing and kids really need that! 
  • I like Donna Simmons’ Audio Download available here:  http://www.christopherushomeschool.org/bookstore-for-waldorf-homeschooling/audio-downloads.html   entitled “Talking Pictorially and Living Actively With Your Young Child.”   Perhaps Dad would be willing to give that a listen?
  • Above all, approach all this with love and respect; how wonderful to have such an involved Dad!   It sounds like you really appreciate the relationship Dad is developing with his son, what a great model for all the mothers who read this blog to see!

Hope that helps a bit!

Other Questions From the Field About Dads

Q.. Dad is undecided about homeschooling, please help.

A.  Please see this post:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/15/a-letter-to-all-those-dads-undecided-about-homeschooling/

The other thing I would add is that many families start homeschooling on a “trial” basis for a year or so….and then they like it so much they never look back.  🙂

Q.  Dad and I have completely different styles of discipline.  What can I do?

A:  This is a tough one and unfortunately it  comes up frequently.    Really all one can do is sit down and talk about it, with the utmost respect for your partner, even if you don’t agree with his views.  After all, he only wants what is best for your children, even if his methods are different than yours.  Sometimes this boils down to realistic expectations, and for that I again refer to The Gesell Institute books (“Your Three-Year-Old”, “Your-Four-Year-Old”, etc).    Many fathers have very high expectations of their first-born child once they hit three or four or five, and don’t understand how truly little those ages are.  Once your oldest hits  “older” and you have younger ones coming up on three, four and five,  many parents realize for the first time how little those ages are (but when this age is your oldest they seem “so big now”!)

The other thing you can do is  model how you handle things and see if that rubs off at all.

I have seen several cases of this, however, that required family counseling with a neutral party in order to really come up with ground rules that both parents could live with and be happy with.  Attachment Parenting International recommends Imago therapists, see here for a therapist in your area: http://www.imagotherapists.com/default.aspx  

Peace,

Carrie

Unschooling and Waldorf: The Student-Teacher Relationship in the Grades

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This is a big topic, and we probably can only brush the surface of this today.   And this is long, but I felt I should keep it all within one post, so feel free to read part and come back or settle in with a cup of tea.  This post goes with the two other previous posts regarding Waldorf and Unschooling.

Let’s start with the very ending of “Practical Advice to Teachers” in which Steiner relates the four essential tasks of the teacher:  (this is, of course, the “Cliff-notes” version so to speak):

1.  “….teachers must make sure that they influence and work on their students, in a broader sense, by allowing the spirit to flow through their whole being as teachers, and also in the details of their work:  how each word is spoken, an dhow each concept or feeling is developed.”  “They must be filled with initiative.” 

2.  “….we as teachers must take an interest in everything happening in the world and in whatever concerns humankind.” “The teacher should be one who is interested in the being of the whole world and of humanity.”

3.  “…the teacher must be one who never compromises in the heart and mind with what is untrue.”  “Our teaching will only bear the stamp of truth when we ardently strive for truth in ourselves.”

4.  “The teacher must never get stale or grow sour.  Cherish a mood of the soul that is fresh and healthy!  No getting stale and sour!”

Now let us look and see where the student is.   Donna Simmons writes in “The Christopherus Waldorf Curriculum Overview For Homeschoolers” regarding  ages 7-14 “The child learns primarily through the authority of the love expressed by those around him.”  “During this time, the child is most active in his imagination and needs a healthy awakening of his feeling life to learn best.  This is most appropriately achieved by an imaginative and lively artistic approach to all academic subjects.”    During ages 14-21, “The youth learns primarily through the truth of the expertise around her.”  “During this time, the youth’s intellectual powers must be allowed to stretch and grow. Care must be taken to avoid dogmatism and apathy.  The youth’s natural state of idealism must be cultivated.”

So, what does all this have to do with Unschooling and Waldorf?

In the grades, we see a progression of sorts from one seven year cycle to the next.  We see that the curriculum is designed to meet the age of the child through an artistic, feeling, imaginative, creative way, through movement.  We see that whilst many of the subjects seem set, it is up to us how we bring them alive to our specific child.  Steiner himself said a lesson should never be stale or sour!  He also said there is really no education other than self-education and how as teachers we set up the environment and provide the most favorable conditions for learning.

So, if we understand WHY certain subjects are brought at certain grades, then we can look at how we want to meet that at home and how we want to develop a relationship with all of that within our own homeschool.  For example, in First Grade, some people are very uncomfortable with Grimm’s fairy tales.  We should never try to teach that which does not resonate within us, so we can change that for the archetypal imagery of other tales as long as we carefully explore why areas of the curriculum don’t fit in with us because the Waldorf curriculum really is the human journey.  We also  have to be careful in some regards, because many  of the experiences of the younger grades builds up to lessons in the older grades (ie, wet on wet watercolor painting is really a bridge to the study of color in physics later on), but within reason and with understanding and mindfulness, we can work with the subjects normally studied.  

As homeschoolers, we can also wait on things, to a certain extent, if our child is not ready. My oldest detested knitting in the First Grade, it always ended in tears and crying and frustration,  so we let it ride until Second Grade.  She is now an avid knitter and she loves handwork. 

There are some areas in particular, math especially, where it seems okay to move forward faster than the curriculum.  The science and the language arts seem to more be based upon age/grade because of the content than the math, but obviously also things like the amount of writing can be increased if a child is writing well.  However, it is very important that other areas are balanced – handwork, music, movement…  The one thing that really can’t be moved, though, is “moving ahead” on the content – Norse myths belong in Grade Four for a reason, for example.

People ask all the time what to do if their child has interests in things that don’t come up in the Waldorf curriculum until much later….I addressed that to a certain extent here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/09/can-waldorf-work-with-other-homeschooling-methods/  and would like to reiterate a few things.  First of all, see how strong an interest this is:  many children are wholly passionate about something and then that interest fizzles out within a week.  Take a bit of a ho-hum attitude about it and see if it still burns so incredibly brightly.  If it does, can you meet it in steps and stages rather than going whole-hog wild?  This is prudent for all parents, not just Waldorf homeschooling parents.  You don’t want to run out and buy a Baby Grand when your child has never taken a piano lesson but has an “interest”.  But you can encourage the exploration!

Do you worry your child is gifted in some way and the curriculum will not meet your child’s needs?  Whether your child is  reading at a six-year-old level or a twelve-year-old level, you can be creative in meeting the child with Old Testament Stories in the Third Grade.  The academic piece can be adjusted up or down.  And in my experience, those who are “forging ahead” often need “balancing out”, which the Waldorf curriculum supplies beautifully. 

Some people, I think, have not seen Waldorf Education in the Grades in action and have this thought that it is two hours of a Main Lesson sitting at a desk.  I would like to refute that!  Here is an example:  one may start the morning with verses and singing whilst standing up and moving, limericks and tongue twisters and some mental math with tossing of beanbags or throwing a ball.  One may then move into some sort of movement, whether that be a true circle time, an obstacle course, work with copper rods, drawing with a crayon between one’s toes, etc.   Then perhaps time for a break!

Then we may gather for more of the Main Lesson, where we take more time for movement,  look at some vocabulary or math concepts, hear a wonderful story.  Perhaps then we  draw, paint, build or create or cook or delve deeper into what we are studying in another way….. Then another break and movement and playing and perhaps after lunch and quiet time,  we regroup to bake, do handwork, play the recorder.  I used to think that Head, Hearts and Hands meant very specific things (such as the “Heart” part could ONLY be foreign language, painting, eurythmy, etc), but I am realizing the further along I go that different teachers do different things and some of it can depend on what block you are in and can only be limited by your own creativity. 

Some people worry that with any sort of method of homeschooling, their time for siblings to play will be underminded, that it will take too big a chunk out of the day. I can assure you that in the Early Grades, the Main Lesson can be short,  and you can intersperse breaks to play or snack.  The number one joy of any method of homeschooling is being with your family!  You also don’t need to homeschool five days a week either – in most states it is the total number of days per year that must be met.   In the Early Grades, I have heard many Waldorf homeschooling mothers take things nice and slow until the nine-year change.  Only you can decide your relationship to this healing education.  (And homeschooling this way will be healing for you as well!)

There will be days that you feel you must buckle down and get to work.  This is part of homeschooling, no matter what method.  Just like when you worked outside of the home, some days inside the home with homeschooling may go awry.  There may be days when you decide to go hiking instead of doing school, and you adjust your plans accordingly.  There may be a day when your child doesn’t want to do math because it is “too hard” and you work through the tears together and bring it all  home and the tears stop and your child gets it!  How exciting! 

What you bring to your Waldorf homeschool must above all be an expression of yourself and the things that resonate with you within the curriculum.  If you are a gardener, perhaps you will be basing much of your math, science, even history of different societies by looking at how people work with the land, calculations for gardening, the science of botany and agriculture.  If you have other skills, this will come out as well.  This tends to worry parents, who want to make sure their child isn’t “missing” anything, but  really, even a Waldorf school teacher has his or her own strengths and weaknesses and picks and chooses how to bring things into the classroom.

Most of all though, the student-teacher relationship is one based upon respect for each other, and through the child loving “natural authority” of the teacher and other revered, kind adults.  “Gratitude- Love-Duty” is how the first three seven year cycles can be summed up.  Roberto Trotsli, in his book, “Rhythms of Learning” talks at length about this in Chapter Two of that book (Chapter Two is entitled “Teacher and Child”).  Love for the world and everything in it becomes the basis for duty in the ages of 14-21.   During the early grades, we connect children to their world through love.  This is what we make our academic lessons up with this piece in mind.    We also work with the children of this age through their temperaments.

The final piece of all of this, also brought up by Trotsli  in this chapter, is that, “Each of us is engaged in the process of becoming.  Our students are often our teachers in this process, for they force us to face our shortcomings and limitations and inspire us to continue to strive to transform ourselves.  By working on ourselves, we work on behalf of our students.  By coming to know ourselves, we come to know our students.”

Many blessings on today,

Carrie

Unschooling and Waldorf : The Student-Teacher Relationship Birth- Age 7

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So, we started to explore Unschooling and Waldorf in this previous post ( https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/17/unschooling-and-waldorf/ ), when this really astute question came up in the comment box.

Writes in a wonderful mother: 

“The only question that remains for me is about the teacher/learner relationship. What if the child is not interested in learning what you present him with, even if it is age-appropriate for him? What if the child doesn’t want to sit and do what you invite him to do? As my girls are getting bigger, I can see that they do not always want to do what I suggest we do, and I want to honor that. It doesn’t feel right to coerce them into doing what I think is good for them. Don’t get me wrong, I will not let them have chocolate for breakfast and go to bed at 10 pm, I am talking reasonable things like drawing all day instead of going outside (even if I know it’s good for them to go outside, it feels wrong to get into a fight, a tantrum and tears to get them out the door). I guess, what I am saying is that I am a bit confused in that area. I do not want to be the dictator of my children’s life, I want them to learn to listen to what they feel inside…..”

 

I would like to address this in two parts: one geared toward children under 7, and one part more pertaining to the grades.

Part One:  The Student-Teacher Relationship for Children Under Age 7

You know, from everything I have read, Steiner was a warm man, a man who observed children with love, a man with a good sense of humor.  I think he would understand that first and foremost homeschooling is about the joy of being with family.

If your children are completely upset about something in your rhythm, I think there are at least two ways to approach it:  #1 – approach it as the fact that the rhythm is for you to follow and they can follow or not and weave in and out in play but you can mix that with this idea:  #2 – perhaps the rhythm needs to be changed to better meet your children.

A rhythm should change seasonally, right?  One of the original examples given above was small children not wanting to go outside….Well, this is a really cold month in many places. Perhaps you change your rhythm to accomplish your goals (connection with nature, getting energy out) in a different way.  So, you make treats for the feathered friends and small creatures outside, and you set up indoor forts and bear caves and tunnels for the children to crawl through to find the hibernating bears and they get the energy out inside.  Goals still accomplished, different methods. 

You are homeschooling, you can be flexible, and the more years you do this, you will plan ahead of time because you remember the last time – last January was this way, so this year I am going to plan some ice-skating, but also a lot of baking and crafting and storytelling for us to do.  We will play games and sit by the fire, and love  each other.

See, no coercion at all!  But whilst we are on that word, I want you all to meditate on that.  If you feel in heart that you will “present” something and it might “fail”, I think that is something to be explored.  Children can sense when we don’t feel confident and certain.  Feel clear with yourself before you even start.  What are your goals for your children this year in homeschooling?  What do they need to work on?  To me, there are goals, even at the Waldorf Kindergarten level.  If you know your goals, you can change the method of delivery and still meet your goal in helping your child.  🙂

My other point with the under-7’s is that they are working out of imitation, so don’t necessarily give them the opportunity to debate about what they will or won’t do in words……  The kiss of death is to say, “Now it’s time for our puppet show” and everyone groans and says, “Not now!  We are making ice porridge in our kitchen for the snow bears to eat!”  No, just gather up your puppets, set up your stage and start singing the opening song and start.  They will come.

But do learn to read you children as well, if they are playing beautifully and building gorgeous sibling bonds, why interrupt that?  Sibling love is an important component of homeschooling to foster…The puppet show can happen in an hour.  This is a line we always tread in homeschooling – the play, the family love versus the fact that sometimes things do have to happen, that is part of developing the will of the child and our own will, our own self-discipline. 

The other part is, don’t present to the under-7 child.  Present around them instead.  For example, sit down and start finger-knitting and when they gather around and ask if they can, you have the choice to pull out the story and teach them, yes.  But you also have the choice to say to the four-year-old, “This is Mommy’s task right now, but I bet when you are bigger I can teach you how to do this” and sing a song.  Build up some anticipation for the beautiful things they are going to learn, it becomes then a privilege to try rather than something to resist.

Steiner felt what small children needed in the Kindergarten age was love,  warmth, worthy adult activity to be imitated, play, protection for childhood, gratitude and reverence, joy, humor and happiness, and adults who are developing their own inner intuition, so…….K.I.S. (Keep It Simple). 

Keep it simple.  The under-7 child should have a simple rhythm, and you don’t need a complicated craft that coordinates with your story with a complicated snack that coordinates with your story with all of these things with a complicated nature activity, etc.  That turns it all into more of a Unit Study than just seasonal activities and storytelling and singing.    Live, breathe, and focus not only on the goals and the things for the Waldorf Kindergarten experience at home (see back posts here   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/13/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-three-and-four-year-old/  and here  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/06/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-one-and-two-year-old/ ), but on those intangibles that Steiner talked about – love, joy, warmth, humor.  Infuse your activities with these things, not with a drill sergeant of the rhythm keeper attitude.  The rhythm is your helper, not your enemy.  Make it work for you and your family.

Lots of love,

Carrie

PS Part Two to follow

Unschooling and Waldorf

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We have had a really interesting discussion over at Melisa Nielsen’s Yahoo Group regarding Waldorf homeschooling with larger (ie, 3 to 5 children or more) families and also Waldorf homeschooling when your children are far apart in  age.

At any rate, this wonderful mother posted a link to her adventures in Unschooling with Waldorf with a larger family here:  http://www.ahomeschoolstory.com/2008/10/unschooling-meets-waldorf.html  and I really thought it was worth sharing with all of you. (If you would like to join Melisa Nielsen’s Yahoo Group, please see this link:  homeschoolingwaldorf@yahoogroups.com).

I have read the work of John Holt and even spent some time on a radical Unschooling  Yahoo!Group to see what it was all about when my oldest was younger, so I do have some ideas about Unschooling but admittedly no real world practice per se, so please take that under consideration in this post.  (I also started out with the notion I was going to homeschool using some sort of Classical Curriculum, so you can see how far I have come and also how scattered I was in some ways because I was looking at EVERYTHING and wanted to take all the things from every curriculum and bring it in for my child.  Then I discovered  Waldorf and there you go!  No turning back, and very, very happy!  But I digress!)

To many people, Unschooling means just the ability to follow your child’s interests.  I think it is possible to do this within the Waldorf curriculum.  I wrote about that in integrating Waldorf with other methods here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/09/can-waldorf-work-with-other-homeschooling-methods/  

I think there are a points where Waldorf and Unschooling agree :  both have great respect for the “unfolding” of the child and meeting the child where they are.  Both have no lost sleep over a child starting academics at a more appropriate time (ie, most likely not in the Early Years).  Both have a great love for learning through life – through play, through being outside, through practical activities around the home.  

I think the major difference between Unschooling and Waldorf is  the role of the parent.  And yes, I do have Unschooling friends who “strew” things around their house for their children to find and ignite passion and learning, but I think fundamentally the role of the parent in Unschooling is typically more as a facilitator for what a child expresses interest in.  In Waldorf homeschooling, the parent introduces the subject material through art and movement at a time that we feel coincides with the development of the aspects of the human being.  So, in Third Grade we have Old Testament Stories as a history of the Jewish people and how those people handled authority because we feel the nine-year-old is grappling with these issues in development.  In Sixth Grade, we have the Roman and geology because we feel the 12-year-old is grappling with being solidly set on the Earth and interested and ready for the facts of history. 

I think there is also a major difference in the Early Years as we look toward a rhythm in order to develop, protect and nurture the 12 senses in the Under-7 child. We assume the child will need help with balance, with rhythm, will need some help in incarnating into the body.  Unschooling has no basis for this, because Waldorf’s philosophical basis is the development of the  three-fold and four-fold human being during these seven year cycles.

Boundaries in parenting could be another major issue and difference between Unschooling and Waldorf.  In Waldorf Education, we assume that an under –7 child is neither good nor bad but learning.  Learning implies they are not quite ready to be the one to set the tone of the home, and it would not really be fair to ask them to participate in a democratic way of setting what they are learning or playing with yet.  They may, in fact, be attracted to things that are detrimental to their health or well-being  and the parents needs to be the one to step and help set boundaries.  Again, not all parents who Unschool don’t set boundaries,  many certainly do!,  but I know on the radical Unschooling list I was on, letting the child experiment with going to bed late, eating what they wanted for breakfast (even if  it was candy or such) was part of this notion that  the family was “Unschooling Life.”   Again,  the child may be attracted to things that are not healthy, they may be lacking a rhythm and a balance in these Early Years,  and it is our ability to set boundaries that is important for the health and development of the child. 

People comment that they feel Unschooling is a better fit for the child because it is more respectful of the child.  I have responded to this before in this rant here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/22/waldorf-and-attachment-parenting-the-mini-rant/  

Essentially, I think there are ways Unschooling and Waldorf can work together, but I do believe Waldorf has such a strong philosophical basis that it  is just a  different perspective.  It is not about searching for the”best” reading program or the “best” math program because the whole curriculum is laid out in such a way that every single thing not only builds on each other, that head, hearts and hands are integrated, that  the threefold and fourfold human being is developed, and that in every subject (even grammar, etc) a relation to the spiritual realm, the relationship of man to the mineral, plant and animal kingdoms are there.  Essentially, the curriculum to me sometimes is just that reinforcement of the way a human has the potential to be Noble, to be Pure, To Make the Right Choices.  This is something that really cannot compare to “just” a curriculum in reading, or even  a “not” curriculum. 

I choose Waldorf because I felt it was actually the only way to educate a human being holistically. I chose it because I believe in the development of the human being so my children grow up to be adults who can think, problem-solve, who are balanced and able to cope with technology, with stress, and with life.  I chose Waldorf because I want my children to learn through art and movement and to have high academic ideals at the right time in the curriculum, and to have a sense of stewardship for the Earth and her resources.    I chose Waldorf because I wanted to introduce academics at the right time, the time when it would make the most sense and to start slowly and build up as the neural pathways for learning were laid down.   For me. whose background was in childhood development, it seemed the only curriculum that seemed to recognize different subjects made sense to come in at different times and that subjects shouldn’t be “dumbed down” to meet children in the Early Grades, but instead brought in at a later time. 

The idea of  salient teaching, of teaching  the right subject, at the right time, really set my heart on fire. 

Does it yours?

Many blessings,

Carrie

More of The Parenting Passageway in Spanish

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See this link listing realistic expectations for the four-year-old in Spanish:

http://lola-talparacual.blogspot.com/2010/01/expectativas-reales-los-cuatro-anos.html

Thank you to Lola for translating……

Many blessings,

Carrie

What To Do With the “ Negative” Under-7 Child?

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We all know this child, the negative child who seems to have less joy than the other children, the one who is already not sure if Santa Claus exists, the one who tends to look at the glass half empty and the one who just seems more like a jaded teenager than a five year old.

Sigh.  That is so hard, so challenging, and so heart-wrenching for so many parents.  Parents really wonder what they did to make their child feel the way they do….  Here is an article from a parent and anthroposophic medical professional’s experience in healing children with physical and emotional challenges that may be of service:  http://www.anthromed.org/Article.aspx?artpk=702

Here are my suggestions to help this child:

1.   Pray about this child, meditate over this child at night whilst they are sleeping,  and practice visualizing a smiling, laughing child in your mind’s eye.  Try to re-frame your very thoughts about this child.

2.   Look carefully at the media diet and adult conversation surrounding this child.  This is most important in so many ways.  As much as possible, this child really does need to be shielded from adult worries and concerns as they are already “adult” enough.  Cut out media if that exists.

3.  Look for physical causes – this is a child who may very well benefit from Flower Essences and homeopathics.  I cannot tell you which ones, but your local homeopath or naturopath should have ways to test and figure out what essences and things would be best.  I have used Flower Essences and homeopathics  to great effect with my own children.

4.  As much as possible, go out of the whole” head”  part and into the body.  Massages, foot rubs, wrestling games, singing games, all the things that really nurture the lower four senses are so important.  It is easy to try to “talk” them out of their negativity, and yet this rarely works!  Work with their body instead!

5.  Model joy for this child as much as possible in your own work.  And show them real work and give them real work to do.

6.  Don’t react strongly to the negative words and such, ho-hum, ho-hum.  You are not responsible for your child’s feelings.  Their feelings are theirs, but at under 7 they should still be very connected to you, so your modeling of emotions is very important.

7.  This is a child who needs to be outside A LOT.  Walking trails, biking, swimming, picking apples and berries, just being, watching birds, hunting for bugs, looking for tracks, building fairy houses, digging in the dirt.    I would shoot for four hours outside a day if at all possible.

8.  This child needs a diet of food close to its natural state that are warming, and please make sure this child is wearing enough layers as well.   See the “warmth” tag on this blog for ideas.  Give this child a lot of emotional warmth. 

9. Do things with this child as a family that are FUN!  Go hiking, roller skating, ice skating, berry picking, apple picking, play games together, go to the park, fly kites. 

10.  This is a child that needs warm and cozy routines for rest and bed times.

It is a challenging situation, but I believe one that a parent can work with if they have the right tools.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The Waldorf Kindergarten

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This is written by Marsha Johnson, veteran Waldorf teacher.  To see more articles by Mrs. Johnson, please join waldorfhomeeducators@yahoogroups.com.

The Intellectual Education of the Kindergarten Age Child in Waldorf

Consider the definition of the word education? What comes to mind?

Aha, in that very question lies the root of much of current
understanding about education in general, a process that primarily
deals with the MIND of a person.
Let’s see, Webster’s says:
a : the action or process of educating or of being educated; also : a
stage of such a process
b : the knowledge and development resulting from an educational
process

Ah. I kind of like that definition because it has at least two
aspects: knowledge (i.e., knowing how to do something or remembering
something) and development (that is a large word that could include
so many different areas for the human being).
In historical times (not very long ago) human children were simply
living and working with their families, playing about when there was
time, travelling in nomadic groups, watching, imitating, observing,
and participating. Nearly all the activities were directly related
to the sole purpose of sustaining life: gathering food, protecting
the body, creating adequate dwelling space, finding mates, caring for
one another, and creating community. Up to 200 years ago, nearly all
children lived in that very same fashion, give or take the wealthier
children who had much more leisure time and free time and who were
taught to read, write, and higher subjects, generally after about age
7 or so. One or two very bright ones were sent off to the larger
urban areas for further study, often with the religious institutions
or political organizations of the times.

But the young child, the child under age 7, what did they do? They
played and worked with their families. They trotted alongside parents
on the way to the springs, they stayed close to mama at age 2 or 3,
and helped, or played with a few simple items from nature or
contrived toys (corn cob dolls in a hanky).

They also heard and listened to many stories. In an oral culture, it
is through the songs and the stories that history is carried. In a
non-reading world, it is the minstrels and the poets who carry the
burden of the memories of the group. And to whom do they speak? To
the whole group.

It is estimated that a person can retain about ten percent of
information that we hear once, more if we read it, and most of it
when we do it! Example: how to catch a fish. Someone can tell you,
you can read about it, you can do it.

Repetition, however, of oral traditions, vastly increases the
retention of material by human beings. (I know it does not seem so
when you remind your ten year old to hang up his coat a zillion
times, but that is a different matter!)

In the child under seven, there is also a very strong natural urge
and interest in repeated stories. How many times do you find that
four year old who wants to hear that story about daddy and the dog?
They never tire of it, and if you hesitate a second in your speech,
they will often simply fill in the words that they heard so many
times before……it is like growing, they do that very cute and
sometimes tiring thing, and they cannot stop it or help it. They
NEED it. They need oral stories, repetition, many many times.
Small children often love repetitive singing, too. Those long songs
with the slightly changing focus, Old MacDonald. This is good food
for that growing child who delights in the rhythm and safety of known
material.

How else do those stories affect them? If we follow along with Dr.
Steiner, we refuse to dumb down the vocabulary and we use the words
that were originally present and repeat them and as children learn
the many thousands of mother-tongue words as they grow, these new
words are also eaten and digested and absorbed and re-emerge. This
is a very good education!

The developmental part of education is or primary importance, even
from a physiologic point of view: movement and action stimulate
brain cell growth and maturation. What a surprise! So if we swaddle
babies and keep them in dark rooms without much stimulation, they
tend to have lower IQs than the ones who are allowed to crawl
around. Isn’t that a no brainer?

Developmental education has been abandoned by our crazed drive in
public education for better ‘test’ scores. This is practically
criminal in my book, and would be like paralyzing a child’s body, and
simply focusing on activities that involve the eyeballs for 6-8 hours
per day, nothing else. Insisting that five year olds sit at desks,
use pencils, write and copy, give up recess because there
isn’t ‘time’ for it in the day, causes me great alarm and concern
about the future effects of this new generation of ‘eyeball’ educated
children as adults in our society.

Developmental education is critical for healthy balanced adults:
using all the various parts of our physical bodies, enjoying the
intense inner pictures of a child’s world of imagination, seeking
out the social sphere with friends to act out questions, dramas,
concerns, fantasies, celebrations, rituals, and human destinies, is
vital to an educational process. Sitting a five year old child in a
booth with a computer screen and a mouse, to ‘learn’, is very much
like inserting the printer cartridge into the slot on my machine here
that I just did today, of viewing a human soul as on object, a tool,
a machine…..and yet many very clever people support this and
endorse.

Playing, helping, resting, imagining, thinking, painting, modeling,
experimenting with blocks, logs, string, trees, mud, wind, cooking,
eating, sharing, giggling heaps of preschoolers in a rainbow house,
planting and gardening, sewing, fingerknitting, listening, singing,
playing with bubbles and learning to cut with scissors and use glue,
and sitting on a warm human lap…….hearing the stories, hearing
the words, creating the images inside those adorable curly and stick
straight haired heads………..this is the intellectual development
of the human child in the best sense of the word: addressing all the
aspects, the head, the heart, and the hands.

Educators in Waldorf will insist on this process and work
diplomatically and lovingly to assist parents to see the realities of
what happens when we place children in work that is not appropriate
for their stage of development. It is not our intention to hurt
feelings, scare people, or simply sound weird. We are and have been
the forerunners of realizations that are actually emerging as a
backlash in this country, all over! Since 1918, Waldorf educators
have been speaking about these ideas, quietly, and persistently, and
then actually providing the proof of the pudding in the brilliant
young men and women who emerge from our schools and take their places in this beautiful needy world of ours.

At home, you can accomplish this so much more easily, in a sense,
because YOU are the creator of your world. Your home, your schedule,
your possessions, your choices, your stories, your food, your tone of
voice, your joy and creativity, you are the queens and kings of your
child’s universe, the King Peter and Queen Susan and Aslan all rolled
into one! In a sense, you are the suns of your galaxes, and your
children dance around you in their own ellipses…as such, you can
select and create elements that will shine on all of us….now and in
the future times.
Mrs. Marsha

Many blessings,

Carrie

Questions From The Trenches: Your Parenting and Homeschooling Questions Answered

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These are some of the questions left by mothers on this blog that I thought I would try to answer in this post.  If you left a question that requires a longer answer, please expect to see a blog post coming up!

Q.  Where can I find the “Curative Education” booklet by Carlo Pietzner you reviewed?

A.  Hhmm, well I got it at Bob and Nancy’s around Christmas, and now it does not seem to be there.  I also checked at the Rudolf Steiner College Bookstore, and it does not seem to be there either.  My suggestion is to email Nancy Parsons at Bob and Nancy’s Bookshop and ask for it.

Q:  What edition of Mother Goose should I use?

A:  I have several, in some the language is “old” and in some the language is updated.  I find it easier to memorize the ones with the more updated language, but like the completeness of the edition with the older language (ie. “hath” for “has”, etc.).  Example of a modern-day English one is here: http://www.amazon.com/My-Very-First-Mother-Goose/dp/1564026205/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263467609&sr=1-3.  This is an example of one I have with less modern language:   http://www.amazon.com/REAL-MOTHER-GOOSE-CARTWHEEL-BOOKS/dp/B000OQKEAQ/ref=sr_1_17?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263467724&sr=1-17.  I think it is personal preference, you also may end up owning more than one, and you also may find a bunch of these verses on-line.  I say whatever is easiest for you to memorize.

Q:  What do I do with my child that goes outside and just stands there?

A:  I addressed this a little bit in this post: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/13/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-three-and-four-year-old/

and I also thought this book had some good ideas to get your creative juices going:  http://www.amazon.com/Natures-Playground-Activities-Encourage-Children/dp/1556527233/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263467982&sr=1-5

In general, for small children under age 7, I would think of what fairies and gnomes might need for housing or things in their houses, what we would do to create an outside room for ourselves.

This book may also be helpful to you:  http://www.amazon.com/Sunflower-Houses-Inspiration-Children-Grown-Ups/dp/0761123865/ref=reg_hu-wl_list-recs  (or really any of the books by this author!)

Q:  What do I do with my four year old child that is wanting to know how to write her name or copy words?

A:  Ho-hum attitude.  Let your child copy words if they initiate that themselves, help them write their name   (a proud moment for many four year olds!), don’t say anything negative, keep trying to steer into typical Kindergarten activities, don’t worry about inversions of letters or numbers.  There is a big difference between wanting to write one’s name and being ready for formal academic main lessons in Waldorf.

Q:  But my kindergartner is so advanced!  They are already doing x, y, z!  Shouldn’t I just go ahead and start First Grade?

A:  The Waldorf Curriculum is based upon development of the human being in all aspects.  The subject content is really made for the seven-year-old in First Grade, the academic end of it can be adjusted up or down.  The reverse would be true if you have a 10 year old at a 6 year old academic level, you would still need to bring in the Fourth Grade stories as those are age-appropriate.

Q:  What do I do when I try to set up great play scenarios on a larger scale for my 4 and 5 year old and my toddler ruins it?

A:  That is challenging!  Sometimes doing it during nap if the older one is no longer napping works, building some of it yourself the night before so the little one is not so excited to see *you* building (after all, the toddler is just trying to imitate you), building a scene for said toddler, playing with toddler whilst older one builds,  give ways the toddler can participate in the building,  using a sling if toddler will stay there, and most of all realizing this is a phase that will pass.

I think another thing that happens here frequently is that mothers feel guilty the older one is building on their own and they can’t help as much because of the toddler.  Please try to reframe that in your heart and mind, because the older one really does pick up on that and starts to see the little one as this intrusion who not only is ruining the game but is taking mommy away from helping!  Cultivate the attitude that what your older one creates on their own without as much of your assistance is a great step developmentally and in no time at all you will have two little builders and isn’t having a sibling wonderful and you can show your little brother/sister what you have built?  They are so interested in you, Big Brother.  Use this opportunity as a time to build up their relationship rather than viewing it as a negative, it sets a great foundation!

Q. How do I become a peaceful parent?  Why does it always come back to me, why do I have to be perfect?  How do I start this Inner Work stuff?

I know it is such hard work, challenging work!    Sometimes we all feel grumpy that we have to be the one to set the tone and hold the space.  You don’t have to be perfect, but now that you know much of this rests on you and the rhythm and the words and actions you take to create your home, the intangible home for your spouse and your children, it does become a place to start your work.

There are many posts on Inner Work and also on rhythm on this blog.  There are also posts on anger in parenting, kindness in your home and realistic expectations for each age.

For Inner Work, I suggest just setting aside time to meditate or pray in the morning.    Then, one night a week, I suggest you wet on wet paint, or draw or sculpt or create music for an hour.  This is also development of the soul. Finally, you can start looking at your own biography. Tapestries by Betty Staley is a nice place to start with that, and there are reviews of each chapter of that book on this blog.

With rhythm, start with getting up at the same time each day and getting to bed at night.  Then work in rest times and meal times and then branch out to the other areas.

Seems like there were more questions, but at least that is a start.  Keep those questions coming!

Love,

Carrie

Waldorf In The Home With The Three- And Four- Year Old

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Well, this is the controversial post of the day, mainly because I disagree with some of the typical Waldorf School Kindy activities for home for these ages.  🙂  I wrote about the one-and two-year old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/06/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-one-and-two-year-old/    and today we are going to move on to the three-and four-year old.

If you need a refresher as to where the three-year-old is developmentally, please see here:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/  and here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/.   For the four-year-old .please see here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/

I am going to depart from so many of the hallowed and sacred texts of Waldorf, and tell you that Waldorf “homeschooling” (I really dislike that term!  How about just living?) for a three-and four-year-old looks a bit different at home than in the classroom.  This is especially true for those three and four-year olds who are the OLDEST in their families.

I think this much is true in both the  environments of Waldorf at Home and Waldorf at school though: the work of the three- and four-year-old is play. Play, fantasy and being outside.  These are the true things one needs to be working with on a child of this age. Mothers often write me and feel they should be worried about handwork projects, wet on wet painting and other things.  I say worry about the quality of your child’s play ( if you feel like worrying!), and think of ways to stimulate that if you feel the need to be “doing something” outside of the rhythms and things we talked about for the one and two year old.

For the one and two year old here are the things I mentioned as being important, with some added notes to build on for the three-and four- year old.

Bodily care, toileting or diaper changes, is HUGE. I cannot stress this enough.  Times for bodily care should involve love, their involvement, singing and joy.  This is still big for a three and four year old.  Your four year old is not at school and being expected to wipe themselves independently after a bowel movement, this is home, and these bodily care situations still deserve time, attention and dignity.

Meal times.  Again, unhurried, unrushed, singing, having your child help with preparation and clean-up.  Use your meal time now to start working in things to develop their movement – kneading bread, using a rolling pin, sweeping the kitchen floor, scrubbing a countertop, etc.

Nap times/Rest Times.  Sing lullabies, have a blanket that is special for sleeping, have a routine involving physical touch of gentle massage or foot rub.

It can be very hard with a three or four year old who has stopped napping, but shooting for some time that is quiet is a great goal.  They may not be able to do it on their own (although some will happily play with a play scenario you have set up), but that may be a time to read a story, a time to tell a story, a time to sing soft songs whilst massaging their hands or feet, and just dim the lights and be together and rock in the rocking chair for a bit.  You may also catch some down time for yourself at this time or during outside time if your child gets engaged.

Bath times.  Singing, finger plays and toe plays, gentle rub downs with the towel (those textures again)

Outside time.  This is the time to think of some creative things for outside.

Being outside is of extreme importance and to provide opportunities for physical movement outside. No going outside to just sit there!  If your child is a reluctant woodsperson, try some of the following suggestions:

  • Make a “carpet” by laying down sticks in squares and then filling in the squares with things the child can find.
  • Find the natural objects to make plates, forks, spoons, for a fairy feast
  • Make pinecone people by getting a pinecone and decorating with leaves, small twigs by pushing the objects into the pinecone.
  • Show your child how to rub their chins with flowers and see if they like butter, how to make flower chains, how to take the caps off acorns, how to grate dry leaves into dust and powder, how to roll a snowball and look for tracks of fairies and giants in the snow.
  • Get them things to lug, tug, push, pull, dig.
  • Play in the sand and in the mud, make mud pies, hunt for worms and bugs.
  • For other suggestions, please see these  posts:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/25/nature-day-number-8-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/  and this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/24/connecting-your-children-to-nature/

Participation in household life.  Your very gesture is so important, it should not be you rushing around trying to get the whole house clean in one day.  It is taking each article of laundry and smoothing it out, folding it tenderly, putting it in the pile to be put away with love for your family. What is important is not only that the child sees the work being done, but imitates that gesture of love and care.  That extends into caring for plants and animals, this is the very first “environmental education” that a child gets with you, right at home.

To this we add the thought that physical work is very important, not only outside, but inside as well.  Can your wee one help you wash lettuce?  Peel carrots?  Peel an apple? Grind wheat? Knead bread?  These experiences are the first form of handwork for the young child.

Music – as mentioned many times, music and rhymes and verses should take precedence at this point over any written word.

Inner Work/Personal Parenting Development:  The most spiritually mature people should be the ones coming into contact with the youngest children.  This is a very important time for your own work and  development.  If you are anxious, practice being calm.  If you are impatient, practice being patient.  If you talk in a stream of conscious way, practice being silent.  This is a time to develop your spiritual and religious beliefs.  It is a time to become more aware of the things unseen.

And to this list we now add a few things:

1.  We work on building up the first four of the twelve senses:

The Sense of Touch: Holding, cuddling, taking baths together, swimming, piggy back rides, games that involve holding hands and singing, wrestling and roughhousing, tickling games if your child likes that, rolling around on the floor together,  being outside in nature, natural materials to touch and play with and wear

The Sense of Life:  RHYTHM, humor and joy!

The Sense of Movement:  crawling, any sustained movement over time such as learning to ride a bike or swim,

The Sense of Balance: RHYTHM again, swinging, rolling,

2.  PLAY.  This is the time to encourage play.  A reader brought up in another post’s comments that her three year old liked to play “fireman” and she wondered how much detail to go into about why fireman wear what they wear, etc.  I would say it is our job to “unstick” our children’s play if they are stuck.  So, in this example, if all this little boy could do is sit on the sofa and make the noise of a siren, I would set up something where “Fireman Bob” now got a call to go and rescue a cat up in a tree (a stuffed cat on a bookshelf) and now we must check the kitty and oh, the kitty is fine, but whoa, now the firetruck needs gas and let’s check that tire out and then you slowly back out of the play until your child is playing by himself or herself for a few minutes.

It is our job to help advance their play through setting up play scenarios and helping the child become “unstuck.”  You can see the back posts on fostering creative play and the progression of play by age and suggested toys.

3. Preparation for Festivals. This is a great time to help children participate by DOING, not explaining in words.  There are lots of posts on this blog about individual festivals.  Our next one is Candlemas, there is one you can start with!

4.  Art – okay, here is where I differ a bit.

  • Painting –  I still think three and four is young for wet on wet watercolor painting.  Wet on wet watercolor painting should, to me at least, have a very quiet, contemplative and meditative quality.  It can be done, but I think it is more successful when there are older children about to help carry this meditative mood of experiencing with color.  I know many will disagree, but thought I would throw it out there.  I know it is not especially “Waldorf school style”, but I am all for fingerpainting at these ages.  So politically incorrect, I know.:)
  • Coloring with crayons – I know many three and four year olds who would just make a scribble and run off.  Again, I think three and four year olds are still really interested in developing gross motor skills and I know every child is different and some will love this, but many do not, especially without that group to carry it.
  • Carding wool – can be a hit as it is repetitive sensory movement.  You can buy fleece to wash and dry and card it with little dog brushes.  This is great.
  • Sanding wood might be good as well.  Any thoughts?
  • Modeling – I like the idea of modeling with sand, salt dough, snow, kneading bread.  I think beeswax modeling is for older children myself.  Again, this differs from Waldorf school.
  • Sewing – I know Marsha Johnson talks about having the three year old who can sew little felt shapes or whathave you for festivals, but I also know handwork teachers who would disagree with having a three or four year old hand sewing. I think this one is up to you!
  • Finger knitting – again, I think better for the five and six year old.
  • Other Arts and Crafts – some can be successful, especially in preparation for a festival, but I think for the  most part recommendations in books such as “Earthways” the age range is always put lower than what I would put it.  Why be in such a rush to do all this?

5.  Storytelling and Puppetry – If you have not had a time where you light a candle and tell a story, now is the time to begin.  Pick a story, memorize it, and tell it at least three days a week for two weeks to a month.  Simple nature tales, stories you make up, repetitive fairy tales such as The Mitten, The  Gingerbread Man, stories from Suzanne Down’s books, can all be used.   I especially like the stories with music in them if you can read music and sing.

Circle Time is the heart of the Waldorf Kindergarten, but can be a complete flop at home.  I love the book “Movement Journeys and Circle Adventures” (use  the search engine box to find the review), but at home it can really flop.  Still, I think it is worth a try if you can convince your four-year-old to “teach” your younger child, LOL.  Still stick to the verses and songs you have in daily life, and add seasonal fingerplays and seasonal songs.

Other questions parents have?  What to do about the four year old who is writing?  Wanting to write their name or copy words is still different than formal academics, so just being very ho-hum and not worrying about it is the way to go.  Colors are on the nature table and you can point out an orange pumpkin that is round and  not feel bad your child is “being exposed.”  Again, a bit different than formal academics.  Many of the verses and rhymes for childhood have numbers in them, or letters, and that is okay. Again, different than formal academics.

Social experiences outside the home can still be limited.  I wrote about social experiences with the four-year-old here:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/09/more-about-social-experiences-for-the-four-year-old/

and took some grief about this post, but I still feel about things the same way as when I wrote it.   You can agree or disagree, and take what resonates with you.

I am sure I am forgetting things about these ages and Waldorf in the Home, but hopefully it is a good start for you as you think about these ages.  Again, take what resonates with you.

Many blessings and peace,

Carrie

More About Time-In for Tinies

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I cannot stand time out for small children.  You can see some back posts related to that discussion here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/23/discipline-without-distress-chapter-four/    and here:   https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/why-should-i-consider-time-in-instead/  

I am all for a ‘time-out” for the mother if the mother needs it to pull herself together though, so please don’t misinterpret the fact that I do think both parties need some time to pull themselves together.  However, dragging a  child in the heat of the moment to sit in a chair for one minute for each year of age seems to not accomplish much.  A child is not going to  think like an adult, and sit there and reflect on what has happened and how they can make it better.    (I am also all for objects going into time-out!  “Hmm, I see those scissors chasing your sister’s braids around the room.  I think they need a break!”  :))

Someone recently commented to me though, that “time-in” didn’t seem to work very well either ; trying to hold a kicking and thrashing child who is trying to hit for time-in just doesn’t work well.

You are correct, dear reader, and I hear mothers everywhere sighing relief at this notion.  Thank you for bringing it up because I have more to say!

Some children do not respond well to any sort of “containment” when they are upset.  What this situation sounds like is more of “How does one handle a temper tantrum?”

So here are Carrie’s Rules For Handling Temper Tantrums in all their glory, and please do take what resonates with you. Every child is different and you know your child best! 

1.  You must be calm yourself and  not lay down on the floor next to your child and have a temper tantrum.  Collect yourself and breathe!  Take your own time-out if you need to!   You must be the warm and friendly wall your child can bounce off of, because your child is scared and doesn’t want to be out of control. 

2.  You must not be so, so, so connected toward trying to get the child to stop.  The child is in a flood of emotion, a torrent of emotion, and sometimes all that can happen at first is that the emotions must come out.  And because a three or four year old is tiny (a good age for sitting on laps!), the emotion comes out in this “immature” way of a temper tantrum (although, seriously, isn’t an adult slamming a door or putting their fist down on a table the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum?)   Aletha Solter writes about this torrent of emotion here:  http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm  I don’t always agree with everything she says, but I think many of her points are valid. 

3.  Move the child if the child is hurting your property or you or himself.  I like outside on the grass if it is possible to get there.  More on this below.

What can you do if your child is hitting you and kicking you?  You move, of course, but I do know some children that need to be held even through their hitting and kicking and such.  Only you can determine what works best for your child and what brings your child peace at that moment.  My own children never liked being held during a temper tantrum, at least not until some of the torrent of emotion was released.

Outside can be a safer place if you have grass.

4. The best thing often to do is to be nearby but also doing something repetitive, like folding something, etc.    I know that sounds awful, and  I am not suggesting you completely ignore your child, but a little bit of not looking is okay if you know your child can’t hurt himself or herself.  The rationale here is to provide the child some reassurance that Mommy is still here, Mommy loves you, and the rhythm and beauty of life are right here and even though you don’t feel well right now, you will feel better in a minute.  That is what must be in your very gesture and in your very soul, your belief that this will be okay in a moment,  as you are nearby and ready to help. 

Some children do respond well if they are having a giant temper tantrum and all eyes are on them and a parent tries to rub their back, but I have known many who really did just need to crawl under the table and get it out.  No shame in that, but you are not allowed to talk them through it all and intrude on it if they just need to get it out! 

I know this is different than what many mainstream parenting articles say, but I am only telling you what has worked for me and for so many of the families I have worked with and observed.  Telling Johnny in the middle of this torrent of emotion, “You are sad because you wanted a cookie and it’s near dinner time and you can’t have a cookie but maybe you can have a cookie later…”  just doesn’t seem helpful for the moment.  Johnny can’t even hear  you right now as emotion pours out of every pore.

We can be so uncomfortable with our children’s tears or anger, but why?  These are emotions that are every bit as valid as happiness and joy.  They are not our emotions either, we are separate from our child.

4. When things subside a bit, perhaps then you can gently rub a child’s back, hold the child and rock and connect through touch with not so many words.  This is the time-in part – instead of sending your child away for a “time out”, connect with that beautiful and small child and have a time-in.

5.  Some children who have very long temper tantrums and who can’t seem to come out of it themselves well may need to be scooped up and you both go outside.  Sometimes it just seems that change in scenery, soft grass, makes the world a better place.  You stay nearby too!  Some children do need your physical help to come back into themselves, and so only you can experiment with holding your child at what point during the temper tantrum. 

Some children who are at the edge of being done with a temper tantrum but not ready to be held or looked at do well with you telling a story to your dog, to your plant, to your fish (just not directly to your child, LOL).  I used to tell a lot of stories to our giant Leonberger about when she was a puppy and then the child would chime in (eventually) with this or that…

Changing the scene can be important in public as well.  Be prepared to abandon your shopping cart if you are out, or be okay with going out to the car or yard if you are at a friend’s house or whathave you.

6. Once the temper tantrum is over, get your child something to eat!  Their blood sugar will be low.

7.  You  don’t need to go back and verbally re-hash with your child what caused the tantrum, unless there is something the child needs to do to make restitution.  It seems as though many tantrums are over things that are actually small and happen because the child is tired, hungry, thirsty, over-stimulated.  The hunger, thirst, over-stimulation is the NEED that needs to be fixed, the NEED underneath the behavior.  Unfortunately, you cannot fix it in the middle of the torrent of emotion.

8.   If your child is a consistent temper tantrum mess, check out the physical and emotional things going on…. Getting molars?  Getting sick? Getting enough sleep?  Napping enough?  Going too many places?  Parents stressed?  Family life changes?  Are they eating enough?  That is your job to figure out.  Parenting is always a bit of detective work!

Tantrums will eventually calm down, some children seem to have the height of them at ages 3 or 4 (some at age 2)….Like so many other things in parenting, this too shall pass. 

Hope that helps,  please take what resonates with you!

Carrie