Daily Archives: June 25, 2009

Weaning A Child Who Is Over the Age of 4

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This is another hard post to write as people feel so vehemently one way or the other about this subject. However, I am writing it because there is so little information available about this that applies to breastfeeding mothers nursing an “older child”  in an industrial society in our time, even though we know the “biological” age of weaning is two and a half to seven years of age.    Much of the work regarding nursing a child over the age of four looks at either non-Westernized societies (like I found a study on four-year-olds in Bangladesh who were nursing 8 to 9 times a day, many of whom  were assumed to be nursing due to being nutritionally stressed) or the work is more from an anthropological perspective, such as boys in royalty were nursed longer.

I am nursing my youngest, a  four and a half year old one to three or four  times a day right now.  My oldest child  nursed until she was a little over three years of age, weaned when I was on bed rest with  my second pregnancy, came back to the breast eight months later (and tried to remember how to nurse, LOL)  and attempted to nurse on and off until she was about four and three quarters.   Contrary to many people feeling uncomfortable about nursing a child over the age of 4, I don’t feel uncomfortable or badly about it.

I have many friends who have weaned children somewhere between the ages of 4 and 7.  People ask about child-led weaning; I have seen some children “wean  themselves” but the relationship there seemed to me to  always be a dance between mother and child with limits typically being set by the mother from an earlier age onward.  Many of the children who nurse frequently at the age of three or  three and a half seem to go on to nurse longer than those who are not nursing frequently at three and a half. 

I have one friend who wryly observes that her middle child, “was just sort of my experiment.  I set no limits on nursing at all, and he nursed until he was 7.”  (And this is a very structured, organized, limit-setting kind of woman!)    I have another friend who says that she feels most children after the age of 4 need some gentle assistance in weaning, and she feels there is no true “child-led” weaning unless you really do want to take that avid three and a half year old nursling and nurse them until they are 7 – and not everyone is comfortable with that.  There are older children over the age of three who do abruptly wean due to pregnancy or birth of a new sibling, but I have heard of these cases much less often than one would imagine.  However, these are not observations from a medical, scientific study – just what I have observed in my over ten years of working with breastfeeding mothers in lay groups and lactation settings.

Breastfeeding is a relationship between two people, and as such both parties deserve to have dignity and respect, especially the child.  The child may have high needs to be met, and some children have intense physiological sucking needs into the fourth year.  I am sure we can all remember children who sucked their thumbs until they were much older than four or five!  Some children have physiologic disease processes and truly need the antibodies that human milk provides.   The need for mother’s physical presence, for connection and the feeling of unconditional love and acceptance that comes from being at the breast is always there, always remains,  in these early years before adolescence.   The question becomes how comfortable one is using the breast to provide sucking, connection or closeness,  or  even antibodies,  as the child grows and matures. 

The question becomes how you feel in your heart.  Some mothers give a lot of “talk” to their child regarding weaning, “becoming a big boy or girl”, but truly feel conflicted in their heart.  They feel weaning is hard for the child, and they are not sure how to proceed without hurting the child or the child’s feelings, and they wonder how the relationship between themselves and the child will look once weaning is completed.  The mother and child have to find their relationship without that component of close connection, and this can feel challenging to both the mother and the child.

Instead of making this a time of conflict and ambivalence, I suggest several things:

1. Search your heart and see if you can see weaning as a process of opening the world to your child, of not “taking away” this precious relationship, but part of growing up, of expanding horizons.

2.  Do you love your child unconditionally at times other than when they are at the breast?  Does your love and warmth and respect for this child come forth?  If not, nursing may be how they are searching to fill this – that close and loving connection that occurs at the breast.  If you do want to wean, concentrate on your own positive thoughts toward your child and your relationship with that child first. 

3.  Search your heart and KNOW that your child (and you!) are going to be okay!  Find the positive ways your child can relax, go to sleep, handle the normal tensional outlets of each developmental stage and capitalize on that. 

4.  Work on discovering your child’s “love languages”.  If your child’s love language is “physical touch”, make sure you are filling their love tank with lots of physical touch at times other than nursing times.  If your child’s love tank is filled with “quality time”, do make sure you are providing lots of quality time to your child when you are not nursing.

5.  Have distractions ready for when the phone rings and that sort of thing.. ..I know many four-year-olds who still would like to nurse when mother is on the phone!

6. Look at your daily schedule and see how your child does with nursing when you are busy (some nurse less naturally then, but some nurse more because then they feel over-stimulated) versus when you are at home all the time (again, some children nurse less and some nurse more).

7.  If you are not comfortable nursing your child much past the age of 4 or 5, and your child is an avid nurser….  ….then it probably will be up to you to help your child cut down the number of nursings a day.  You have to be comfortable with this idea, and if you are not and want a truly child-led weaning, you may have to nurse until 5 or 6.    With some children the more you talk about weaning and cutting down number of nursings a day, the more anxious they become.  Many of the mothers I know had better success in just structuring their day so they were busy, daddy took over bedtimes in some cases, and other things that gradually and naturally  cut nursing down without a lot of explanation other than peacefully saying, “We can nurse at “X” time.  I am happy to (hold you now, get you a drink, get you something to eat, to play a game with you, to go to the pool, etc.) right now.”

8. Again, if you are ready to have the nursing relationship come down in intensity and you are helping your child grow, there may be some tears if the child is four and five and used to a certain rhythmical pattern of nursing to sleep or whathave you.  Again, this is where you must search your heart, see what you are comfortable with, feel okay that you truly are uplifting your child to the next level, that your child is growing up and it is going to be okay.  If you cannot believe this in your heart, then neither you nor your child is ready to wean. 

9. Some families do have a weaning party or provide a special weaning necklace or out to lunch to celebrate weaning.  Again, some children need help with moving on and need you to either decide it is okay to nurse until age 7 or they need you to be kind but not crumple. They may need you to  say after a weaning party or weaning lunch something to the effect of, “Nursing you was so special to me as well.  Today Daddy is going to take your little sister so you and I can do “X” together.”

10.  Work hard to examine how you feel about the joy of mothering.  If in your heart you feel enraptured with being home, with mothering, if you delight in your children, they are going to also feel joyful, happy, peaceful even without nursing and as nursing transitions and fades away.

If you continue to nurse your older child, be happy about it, be proud about it and know that when they are developmentally ready they will be done.  Whether or not “true” child-led weaning works for your family or not, whether you decide your child may need your help , cannot be decided by anyone but you and in your own observations of your child.  You can still respect your child and your child’s dignity whatever path you choose.  The path for the older child is not as clear as the path when nursing a small two or three year old, and that is okay, that is part of parenting.

Be comfortable with yourself and what your family needs from you, from the times when you do need to take the lead and the times when you need to surrender yourself.  That is the walk we walk in parenting a child that is a bit older.    But most of all, get clear in your own heart and decide.  That is what makes for a joyful family!

Love,

Carrie

Differences Between Waldorf and The Well-Trained Mind: Grades One Through Four

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I set out to write a post about the differences between Waldorf and The Well-Trained Mind for the Early Grades, since the post about Waldorf and The Well-Trained Mind in the Early Years was fairly popular.

It has been difficult to write this post.  I do know homeschooling mothers who seem adept enough to combine both a classical approach with Waldorf elements, but I found it extremely difficult to find the similarities because the assumed views on childhood development is just so very different. Please feel free to add in comments at the bottom to assist other mothers.

Here is a little chart I made to keep track of things, and you can see for yourself where things coincide or don’t.

 

The First Four Grades:

  The Well-Trained Mind Waldorf
Overall emphasis “A classical education requires a student to collect, memorize, and categorize information.  Although this process continues through  all twelve grades, the first four grades are the most intensive for fact collecting.”  (page 21, TWTM 2004)Works within four year cycles of history, literature and science.   Has three stages – Grammar, Logic and Rhetoric stage.

Academic works starts early, with the Parroting Stage

 An education that focuses on the whole human being based upon Steiner’s philosophies.  The human being is regarded as a spiritual being on a spiritual journey, and as such, the educational curriculum is set up to develop the young child’s skills and abilities in accordance to this standard.  Works within seven-year-cycles and what is appropriate for one age is not appropriate for the other ages.
The Seven Year Stages include Willing, Feeling and Thinking – logical thought is seen coming in at age 14.Truly focused academic work starts at age 7, prior to that the child learns through play.
Approach to Creativity “Your job, during the elementary years, is to supply the knowledge and skills that will allow your child to overflow with creativity as his mind matures.” (page 22)
”Too close a focus on self-expression at an early age can actually cripple a child later on; a student who has always been encouraged to look inside himself may not develop a frame of reference, a sense of how ideas measure up against the thoughts and beliefs of others.”
(page 23)		 “in these years we must always take care that, as teachers, we create what goes from us to the children in an exciting way so that it gives rise to the imagination.  Teachers must inwardly and livingly present the subject material; they must fill it with imagination.” (page 210, The Foundations of Human Experience)Emphasis on the teacher preparing the material and having the teacher present the material as opposed to reading it from a book. No textbooks are used.

In Steiner’s views, the teaching through art and rhythm and music IS the way to teach, , the children do   what the teacher does (although if you look at the Main Lesson books of a Waldorf class none of the paintings, books, etc look the same!) 
Approach to Reading “Let him read, read, read.  Don’t force him to stop and reflect on it yet.” (page 23) Reading is taught by introducing the letter sounds through moving their bodies like the letters, drawing the lines and curves, writing letters from the  fairy tales,  and then the child learns to read through their own writing and then through printed text.  Steiner said in “Soul Economy”, page 142:  “In many ways, children show us how the people of earlier civilizations experienced the world; they need a direct connection with whatever we demand of their will…..we must offer children a human and artistic bridge to whatever we teach. “  On page 144, Steiner said, “We have to point out that our slower approach is really a blessing, because it allows children to integrate the art of writing with their whole being.”
”It would be inappropriate to teach reading before the children have been introduced to writing, for reading represents a transition from a will activity to abstract observation.” (page 148).
Priority in Education in the Early Grades “In the elementary grades, we suggest that you prioritize reading, writing, grammar, and math.” (page 25)
”In a way, grammar of language is a foundation on which all other subjects rest.  Until a student reads without difficulty, he can’t absorb the grammar of history, literature, or science; until a student writes with ease, he can’t express his growing mastery of this material.”		 Teaching academic subjects through movement, rhythm and art; fostering a sense of imagination and liveliness in children; teaching with economy; understanding and teaching in accordance with the view of the child as a three-fold human being; fostering a sense of love throughout these early grades and a natural respect of adult authority.
Grammar in a traditional German Waldorf school was taught rather early (second grade)  as it is nearly impossible to write in German without the grammar piece.  Donna Simmons comments on this in her “Living Language” book
Spelling, English Grammar, Reading and Writing Spelling – recommends spelling workbook and spending 10 minutes a day on spelling
Grammar – learning parts of speech, proper relationship between these parts of speech, and the mechanics of the English language with First Language Lessons for The Well-Trained Mind.  Uses narration as a tool for grammar.
Reading follows history; First Grade – Ancients, Second Grade – Medieval- early Renaissance, Third Grade- Late Renaissance-early Modern, Fourth Grade- Modern.  Memorizing of poems of four to eight poems during the school year.  Free reading time each day. 		 Most Waldorf students will be reading by the second or  third grade well because they start later. And contrary to popular belief, Waldorf teachers do expect their children to read well! Grammar is taught starting in First Grade with simple punctuation.  Steiner talked about the control of speech development through grammar and what comes through speech enters into writing and then reading (page 209, The Foundations of Human Experience).
Memorization also emphasized with students learning many lines (usually hundreds of lines by the end of the school year) of poems, verses, songs, and dialogue for plays that change with the seasons, festivals.
Math Starting with concrete objects and moving into mental math.  Recommends math programs, workbooks Starts with math by examining qualities of numbers and moving into all four math processes in first grade through story;   For complete goals, do see Ron Jarmon’s math book.  Math is a whole body experience of games, stomping, clapping.  No workbooks, but concepts may be drawn into Main Lesson Book .  Emphasis also on mental math.
History “History, in other words, is not a subject.  History is the subject.” (page 104)  “A common assumption found in history curricula seems to be that children can’t comprehend (or be interested in) people and events distant from their own experience.  So the first-grade history class is renamed Social Studies and begins with what the child knows: first, himself and his family, followed by his community, his state, his country, and only then the rest of the world.  This intensive self-focused pattern of study encourages the student of history to relate everything he studies to himself, to measure the cultures and customs of other peoples against his own experience.  And that exactly what classical education fights against – a self absorbed, self-referential approach to knowledge.”  (page 106)  For first grade, recommends Story of the World as written by the Bauers, coloring pages and original drawings by the child of Ancient History events with captioning, use of maps.  Use of hands-on projects as well as books.
Second Grade much the same with memorization of such things as the rulers of England from Egbert through Elizabeth I, along with each ruler’s family allegiance, ruler of Scotland form Malcolm II through James VI, major wars and disc overies (page 116). Third Grade about the same, Fourth Grade use of map to learn 50 states of the United States, history of own state.		 History is traced and intermingled with the way people viewed past events – starting with stories pre-literate people may have told around the fire at night (fairy tales), moving into fables and folktales, tales of Saints and Heroes (not taught within a religious context)  and Buddhist tales in the second grade, using the history and stories of Creation, Native American myths and the Old Testament from the Bible for the third grader going through the nine-year change, Fourth grade Norse myths to speak to the ten-year old and then moving into traditional history as we know it – Greeks, Romans, Medieval and Renaissance and Modern History.History is seen as the backbone of the Waldorf curriculum throughout the grades 1-8.
Science First Grade – Animals, Human Beings and Plants by reading from a science book and having the child narrate two or three facts about what you have read along with experiments that are later  narrated.  Second Grade is Science and Astronomy.  Third Grade Chemistry with writing definitions, experiments that are narrated in notebook.  Fourth Grade physics with experiments Please see full and complete post on Science throughout the Waldorf curriculum on this blog.  A totally different approach that focuses on phenomenon, plants and animals in the natural environment, always bringing science back to its relationship to Man.
Latin in third or fourth grade (or start teaching foreign modern language and save Latin until the fifth or sixth grade), according to The Well-Trained Mind. “Latin trains the mind to think in  an orderly fashion.  Latin (being dead) is the most systematic language around. …Latin improves English skills.” Typically two modern foreign languages taught in Kindergarten onward; Greek and Latin not widely taught in Waldorf schools although some homeschooling parents work Greek in with the 5th grade study of the Greeks and Latin in the with the 6th Grade study of the Romans.  Steiner did work with Latin and Greek in the founding of his schools  per his lecture notes.
Art and Music Alternate reading art books about great artists and art projects.  Picture study per Charlotte Mason.
Music – listening to classical music twice a week for half an hour.  Possibly piano lessons.		 Infused throughout the curriculum with modeling, drawing and painting experiences used to teach academic subjects – art is not separate within the curriculum but infuses all subjects.  Main Lesson Books are often compilations of drawings, verses, best written work for a subject taught in a block.  Music, verses, and singing is also seen throughout the curriculum, with special emphasis on a blowing instrument (recorder, pentatonic flute, pennywhistle leading to diatonic flute in the Third Grade) in the Early Grades leading to study of a stringed instrument in the Third Grade.
The Three-Day Rhythm and Use of Sleep As A Learning Aid Not mentioned Unique to Waldorf as a way of teaching
Teaching in blocks versus daily or weekly practice Subjects are taught anywhere from daily to two to three times a week Teaches in blocks with daily math practice and eventually daily practice in other academic areas with times when the subject completely rests and is not taught at all. 
”The usual practice is to split up the available time into many separate lessons, but this method does not bring enough depth and focus to the various subjects.”
(Steiner, page 117, Soul Economy).
Attitude of the Teacher   “It is inappropriate to feel, “I am intelligent, and this child is ignorant.”  We have seen how cosmic wisdom still works directly through children and that, from this point of view , it is children who are intelligent and the teacher, who is, in reality, ignorant.”  – From Steiner’s lectures
The role of the teacher to student   The teacher is a natural authority (not in a mean, nasty way, but a child should naturally look up to the teacher and accept what the teacher says at this age).  Steiner says after the age of 14, authority has provided a foundation for the child to have  a capacity to love and to have responsibility to themselves and others in society  in a mature way.
What is most important in teaching   That the teachers use their available lesson time in the most economical way, building lessons upon major lines and leaving the child wanting more

The approach that Waldorf takes looks at the journey of the entire child, academic and spiritual and moral.   Every subject is picked, choosen and presented in a way to coincide, fulfill and enhance where the child’s soul development is at that time.   Christopher Bamford writes in the Introduction to “Human Values in Education”:  “Education today, like so much else, suffers from a split between theory and practice or actuality.  Most educational philosophies are theoretical and divorced from life.  The experiment with children, because they are no longer able to approach them with their hearts and souls.” 

To me, The Well-Trained Mind can be rather contradictory as it assumes many things about training logic in young children when the premise of the book is that the logic stage comes much later in childhood development. Waldorf Education is about soul economy, about introducing things at the right time as the child’s maturation and abilities unfold to be able to meet the academic demands.  The curriculum is matched to the soul development of the child. 

I personally also truly dislike the focus on history during the Early Years – as I explained to a friend, I have a hard time really grasping the time period of Ancient Egypt and such and I am a grown-up!  I do not think that starting with the tangible things around a small child will lead a child to be egocentric in world views as they grow, mature and develop.   The ability the Waldorf curriculum develops in compassion, gratitude, love and responsibility can be translated in looking at any time period and in studying any culture.  These qualities transcend academic areas and are indeed the heart of Waldorf curriculum.

My other quibble with The Well-Trained Mind is the focus on what I call “fact-jamming” in the Early Elementary Grades.  It fits in well with the view of current society, and also the view that the child is a miniature adult with less experience and therefore just needs to be “filled up” with facts, but this is not Waldorf’s view of the child.  Waldorf views the child as full of their own potential, on their own path, and that we essentially help and assist what is “unfolding.”  That is a distinct difference!

Waldorf looks at education as the way to secure the  future health of the child once they become an adult and establishing an almost Renaissance kind of education.  Health is of utmost concern.  In this day of skyrocketing ADD/ADHD, childhood obesity, sensory processing disorders, teenaged drug abuse and other adult problems setting into the early years of childhood, it is well worth your time as a parent to look into!

To a future healthy society,

Carrie