Daily Archives: March 19, 2009

Inspirations from Tapestries: The Stages of Marriage

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There have been several posts about marriage and nurturing your partner on this blog that you can search and see for background regarding marriage, attachment parenting, and homeschooling.  Here is one that comes to mind: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/08/parenting-as-partners/  as well as this one:  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/using-your-first-year-of-parenting-to-fall-deeper-in-love-with-your-spouse/

This is a topic I feel is so important because unfortunately, many of the homeschooling mothers I know appear to  feel overwhelmed, seem to feel unsatisfied with their partner’s contribution to family life, and just are not enjoying time with their partner/spouse because they feel their basic needs are not being met within their closest relationships.

Maybe Betty Staley can help us unravel some of the mysteries surrounding the life cycle of a relationship. 

She writes, “Just as each individual passes through cycles, so does a relationship.  During each stage of a relationship we have particular needs and ways of solving problems.  There are three basic elements to consider when we speak about relationship-stages.  First, the individuality of each person.  Second, the phase of life each person is in.  Third, the  stage the relationship has reached.  In addition to these three aspects, cultural and historical expectations and the environment are also strong influences.”

The stages of relationships per Tapestries:

  • The first stage of a relationship is when two people are attracted to one another, “they are in a soul stage where feeling life predominates (21-28 years) no matter how old they are.” (page 75).
  • After the relationship settle down to routine, the couple enters the soul phase where THINKING predominates (28-35 years, but again it does not matter how old the people in the relationship are).  Each person looks at the other more objectively, and each may question the relationship itself.  This can be a point where many relationships fall apart and break up.
  • If the couple survives this phase, the next phase is the soul phase where CONSCIOUSNESS or AWARENESS predominates (corresponding to the ages 35-42, but remember, it does not matter how old the people in the relationship are), where each individual in the relationship begins to look at themselves and their partners more objectively.  During this time, hopefully each person can have not only a sense of realism about their partner’s strengths and weaknesses, but also love their partner with some of the passion from the feeling stage and see the person’s high self.

Betty Staley points out on page 76 that if a couple is older than their twenties when the relationship begins, the earlier phases representing the twenties will be passed through quickly to get to the stage of life the couple is in.

In other words, if a couple’s relationship starts when they are 35, the relationship will pass quickly through the feeling stage and the soul phase where thinking predominates to the soul phase where consciousness or awareness predominates.

She talks about couples where there  is an age difference and how each person in the relationship will demonstrate not only aspects of the seven-year cycle they are in, but also aspects of the seven-year cycles their partner is in.  She discusses that the combination of  having two partners from two different age groups can bring support into the relationship as whoever is older and in the next seven-year cycle can provide better patience, understanding, (depending upon the maturity of the person, of course).

If you are a couple where both of you are in the same seven-year cycle, this can be a source of unity and support because you are going through the same things (although I would add here that I think men and women often experience different intensifications of aspects of the same seven year cycle, so it may not be exactly the same), but it can also be difficult because neither person can step outside the relationship and look at it from a broader perspective, and neither may have completely developed greater understanding or patience.

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and we were both in our early twenties (I was 21) when we married.  I truly believe that  at least from my personal experience and from watching the couples around us that these cycles of a relationship are dead-on.

Of course, the trick is to survive the stages!  Can you identify where your relationship is according to Tapestries?

Understanding where you and your partner are in relationship to the seven year cycles throughout the lifespan on top of understanding the cycles of a relationship can be of great help….

We will look at a summary of each of the seven year phases for the adult in our next post.

Thanks for reading,

Carrie

How To Deal with Criticism of Waldorf Homeschooling by Family and Friends

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There are divorce and custody cases where Waldorf homeschooling (and any kind of homeschooling) is being contested by part of legal proceedings, and I am NOT referring to that here).  This post is more in relation to regular criticism.

 

Criticism of how one is homeschooling one’s children is always difficult, and it is even more difficult when the criticism is leveled by close family and friends.  I personally have found this very difficult.  As frequently as I explain that the things within the Waldorf curriculum are picked and developed for a particular chronological age, not so much an academic level, there is still doubt on the part of friends and family that this is the best way to educate a child in the early years.

The places I have found family and friends to have the most trouble in the early years (K-4)  are these:

  • The lack of academics in the Kindergarten years, and the fact the Kindergarten years covers the six-year-old year.  That is a biggie for many people, especially in the United States,  when most six-year-olds are in first grade.
  • The way science is approached through nature stories in the first and second grade with the practical science bridge being things like farming and building in the third grade.  People seem relieved when they see zoology and such starts in the fourth grade.  For more details on science within the Waldorf curriculum, please do see this post on this blog.
  • People have a huge lack of understanding about the numbers and letters being introduced in the first grade. First of all, they think this takes the entire year with no true reading or mathematic operations taking place, but even if they do understand that, they think your child must be “bored”.
  • If you have a child who is a good reader, then your child should not be in Waldorf because “it moves too slow” and “they know all those stories already.”
  • The fact that “true and proper” history doesn’t start until the fifth grade can be a problem for some people. 
  • They don’t understand the lack of worksheets, and paper clutter in general.
  • Teaching through artistic mediums seems “too fluffy” to many people.
  • Any others you all have heard and would like to add in the comment section?

Sigh.

Personally, I have explained, I have provided lots of information (sometimes the same information over and over, sigh)  and for some people, the mindset of Waldorf education is just too far from what the traditional view is and they just cannot wrap their heads around it. 

And, quite frankly, most people do not seem to want to take the time to really listen and understand.  If they did, they might find out that protecting your child’s academic progress so they do not completely burn out and truly are bored and tired of school when they are teen-agers is important to you.  They might find out you really want to have your child enjoy their childhood in a developmentally appropriate way.  They might find out that the seven-year cycles and Steiner’s view of the child’s education is very important to you.

They might find out that Waldorf is extremely academic rigorous in the middle and high school grades, that there really is a shift in the third grade, and that you do not believe you need to stuff your child’s head full of unrelated facts and worksheet drills to provide a good education.

You can talk to people about the truth of Waldorf, you can ask them to look at your whole child and the strengths and weaknesses they possess and how the curriculum really addresses that, you can talk about the rigorousness of the education and how it fits where the child is developmentally right now because a k-4 child is not a miniature adult, but this is the truth:

You can provide information, but you cannot make people believe for themselves.  That is their own journey, not yours, and you have to sometimes let it go, agree to disagree and be rather pointed about saying, “I know you want what is best for my child, I know you care, and I appreciate your concern and I value your friendship/the fact we are part of this family together, so let’s let this go.  Thanks!”

Back to more Tapestries,

Carrie