Daily Archives: February 10, 2009

The Fabulous Five –Year -Old!

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Five-year-olds are rather interesting to me.  Many mothers lament from reading the Gesell Institute books that while the young five-year-old should be in this “golden period”, their child is decidedly not.  A five-year-old closer to turning six may also be in a bit of disequilibrium as well.  Five is an age that I feel deserves a closer look beyond the whole “this is a golden age” view……

Let’s take a look at typical characteristics of the young five year old, according again to our friends at The Gesell Institute:

  • Typically enjoys life and looks on the sunny side.
  • Wants to do everything “just right.”
  • Mother is the center of the child’s world again- many five-year-olds would rather stay in the house with Mother than go out to play with friends.
  • Typically loves his house, his street, his neighborhood.
  • Does not especially want new and different.
  • This is typically seen as one of those “golden ages” of childhood development where the child is in a state of harmony.
  • If your child is a young five and not in a state of harmony, do not despair.  I have found that for many children, the disequilibrium that seems to accompany four can take until a child is five and a quarter to really work out.  I happily refer you to my posts regarding “Peaceful Life With a Four-Year-Old” and “Fantastic Four-Year-Old!”.  They will help you sort out some things that may be helpful to your young five-year-old.
  • The other thing to look at any time a child is behaving in such a way you do not love is to look to yourself and your home first.  Are you feeling calm?  What is going on in your life and in the life of your family?  Start with centering yourself.  Look at the post on this blog entitled  “Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old”   here  https://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/07/peaceful-life-with-a-four-year-old/  and the post before that written about the developmental characteristics of a four-year-old.  The other place to look would be in the tag section and hit the tag called “Parenting Challenges” – a prime example of this type of post that may be helpful is this one: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/13/smearing-peas/  and there are many,many others that may stimulate thoughts for your own personal situation.

Hang in there though, because equilibrium is coming! (At least for a little while!)

Five-and-a-half is a bit different, however.  Here are some of the developmental characteristics as listed in the Gesell Institute’s “Your Five-Year-Old” regarding the five-and-a-half-year-old:

  • Usually has a great readiness to go against what is asked or expected of him.
  • Brash, combative.
  • Can be hesitant, dawdling, indecisive or at the opposite extreme, demanding and explosive
  • May be sick quite a bit – headaches, colds, stomachaches, earaches.
  • May revert to toileting accidents.
  • Lots of tensional outlets – these are the behaviors that parents dislike such as repeatedly biting nails, head banging, increased nose picking, fidgeting, increased masturbation.
  • Restless
  • Difficulty grasping pencils, may lose visual orientation and reverse numbers or letters (Did I mention The Gesell Institute feels five is NOT a good age to teach reading or writing??)
  • May have lots of nightmares.

 

Think about living with your five-year-old with these things in mind: Rhythm, Rules, and a sense of Reverence.

Rhythm – Your rhythm should carry your day.  I cannot stress this enough.  Unless you want to be arguing all day long with your small child, you need a rhythm where you normally do this and then do that.  Think about how you want things done. If we always clean up after we play, then there is no arguing about it.  If sometimes mommy cleans up, sometimes we clean up together, sometimes friends help clean up and sometimes they don’t, then we are in for some trouble.  So, spend some time looking at your daily activities and what needs to happen before and after these activities to make life enjoyable for all.

Rules – Keep your rules simple – think of them as skills and behaviors that children that are trying to learn and master rather than these things where bad things happen when you cannot control your child.  Think about phrasing them very simply, generally, and positively.

Reverence – Look for moments when you can instill in your child a sense of reverence for the beauty in every day; those moments where you stop and look at something outside, those moments where you can all sing together; those moments where you stop to pray or meditate or have a moment of silence before a meal.  Think about the way you approach your own tasks – is it trying to get through the task as quickly as possible, or is it approaching the task that nourishes your family is undertaken with loving kindness?

Keep looking to yourself and your own habits.  Review your own negative habits; do you nag, berate, command, dominate, yell, shame or punish your child when it might be helpful to find positive alternatives?  Can you be calm and help your child physically follow through in a peaceful way with whatever you asked him or her to do?

Yours in Peace,

Carrie

What Kind of Family Are You?

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In my last post, regarding “Potty Training With Love”, I alluded to Barbara Coloroso’s framework of different types of families; other frameworks such as these also exist.

Before you can approach your inner work, your parenting, the tone in your home, it may be helpful to step outside of yourself if you can and view see what your family really is like, the dynamics of your home.

Here are some frameworks that may stimulate some thought for you:

In the book Kids Are Worth It! By Barbara Coloroso, she defines three types of families:

  1. Brickwall – This type of family has a definitive hierarchy of control with the parents being in charge, has lots of strict rules, a high value on punctuality, cleanliness and order, a rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or threatened violence, the use of punishment to break the child’s will and spirit, rigid rituals and rote learning, use of humiliation, extensive use of threats and bribes, heavy reliance on competition, learning takes place with no margin for error, love is highly conditional, gender roles are strictly enforced, children are taught what to think but not how to think.
  1. Jellyfish A families – most likely raised in a Brickwall family, this parent is frightened of repeating the abuse he knew, but does not know what to replace it with. So he becomes extremely lax in discipline, sets few or no limits and tends to smother his children. Anything his child wants, his child gets, even if the child’s wants are at the expense of the parent’s own needs. The lack of structure can then lead to a frustrated parent who ends up resorting to threats, bribes, punishments.
  2. Jellyfish B families – May be struggling with personal problems that keep her almost totally centered on herself. No one is around to provide a nurturing, caring, supportive environment.

In both types of Jellyfish families, the following characteristics prevail: Anarchy and chaos in the physical and emotional environment, no recognizable rules or guidelines for the children, arbitrary and inconsistent punishments and rewards are made, mini -lectures and put-downs are the main parenting tools, second chances are arbitrarily given, threats and bribes are frequently used, everything takes place in an environment of chaos, emotions rule the behavior of parents and children, children are taught that love is highly conditional, children are easily led by their peers.

  1. Backbone families – Parents give their children the six critical life messages, democracy is a learned experience where children see their feelings and needs are respected and accepted and they also see that it is not always easy to juggle the wants and needs of all members of the family, mistakes are viewed as opportunities to grow, rules are simply and clearly stated, consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural or reasonable, children are motivated to be all they can be, children receive lots of smiles and hugs, children get second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings through a strong sense of self-awareness, competency and cooperation are modeled and encouraged, love is unconditional, children are taught how to think, children are buffered from sexual promiscuity/drug abuse/suicide by three messages: I like myself, I can think for myself, There is no problem so great, it cannot be solved.

Linda Budd, Ph.D., looks at three traits central to all families in her book “Living With The Active Alert Child”: who’s in charge, what the family values, and how the family handles emotion. She breaks families down into the following categories:

  1. The Closed Family – There is someone clearly in charge, and the others are expected to follow and be obedient. The family values stability. There are many traditions and rituals to create this strong sense of family unity. The family has a hard time with the intensity of emotions. Benefits of this family type include the children growing up with a strong sense of order and feeling secure within the family structure.
  1. The Random Family – Control in this family changes hands frequently- no one person is in charge. This family values freedom, choice, competition, challenge, creative expression. Individuals are valued over the family unit. People in this family express themselves passionately, intensely, authentically. Children in this system have few limits and limited supervision, but their creativity and intensity are confirmed.
  1. The Open Family – The family values equality. Control is cooperative, participatory and persuasive. Consensus is used to make decisions. The family values dialogue, tolerance, adaptability. The family needs are balanced with individual needs. The child is valued as a partner who needs help in discovering her own limits. Parents and child negotiate limits and collaborate in problem solving. Cooperation and responsibility are valued. Children feel as if they have mutual power, and that their feelings are acknowledged.
  1. The Synchronous Family – Control is understood without one person being the source. Control comes from a shared goal or value system, not from an individual. Adults assume children will learn what is correct and what is expected by watching the parents’ example. Emotions are reserved. Children gain a strong sense of security, order and routine.

She gives the example of a 5-year old running through the living room.

The Closed Family says: “You are not to run in the living room. You will have to go to your room until you learn how to behave in here.”

The Random Family: No one notices, or mom and dad may play chase with him if they feel like it.

The Open Family: “Mark, when you run through the living room, you disturb your grandma who is trying to read. You also stepped on the block house your sister is building. We have lots of special things in here that might get broken. It is not okay to run in the living room. Let’s think of a place where you might be able to run around without disturbing anyone else.”

The Synchronous Family: Uncle Jim says to Mark, “Come sit by me while I carve.” Uncle Jim continues to carve, saying nothing to Mark about his behavior. Twenty minutes later, Mark’s mother puts items Mark disturbed back into place.

Food for thought: What kind of family is your family according to either Barbara Coloroso’s or Linda Budd’s structure?

Are you and your significant other different according to Barbara Coloroso or Linda Budd’s structure? What was the family you grew up in like?

Have a meditative day,

Carrie