Daily Archives: January 19, 2009

When Babies Cry and What We Can All Learn From the High-Needs Baby and Child

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[This is a post written from an attachment parenting perspective but of course a little of my Waldorf-inspired thinking snuck in at the end!]

WHAT IS CRYING?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, published by La Leche League International:

“Your baby’s cry is meant to be disturbing, for it is his most important means of communication. Only by crying can he let you know that he needs you to help him – to come to his rescue.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small:

“The biological function of crying is to signal, and as in any signal, it has import only if it affects the recipient.”

“As most parents know, crying is not just a signal of hunger. Even in newborns, it communicates much more- the need for touch seems to be especially important; and clearly a crying baby is announcing its internal state and calling for some sort of change.”

“Crying evolved to serve the infant’s purposes: to assure protection, adequate feeding, and nurturing for an organism that cannot care for itself.:

HOW MUCH DO BABIES CRY? IS IT “REAL”?

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“The average Western infant cries twenty-two minutes per day in the first three weeks of life and thirty-four minutes per day until the end of the second month, when crying gradually decreases to fourteen minutes per day by twelve weeks.”

“Even to the casual visitor in less developed nations, it becomes apparent that babies in non-Western cultures rarely cry; I have never heard an African baby or a Balinese baby cry during my many trips to both those sides of the world. And this casual observation has been confirmed by ethnopediatric research.”

“But there is, in fact, no such thing as a fake cry. The baby is crying for engagement of some sort-for personal interaction and social contact, or because it is bored. Babies also laugh during the first month of life, which spectrographically looks more like a cry than a chuckle and is probably related to conflicting emotions or rapid shifts in state.”

CRYING AND BREASTFEEDING:

The first few days after a birth, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

Their suck is weak and they are not drawing much volume of milk

Their tummy is full of mucus from delivery.

They are experiencing difficulty with latching on.

If they are not going to the breast often enough, and showing very late signs of hunger, they may be too upset to latch.

Once the milk comes in, a baby may be upset at the breast when..

The breast is very engorged and difficult to latch-on to.

Mother has a forceful let-down or over supply that the baby is not used to.

Once breastfeeding is established, a baby may…

Have a regular fussy period, often late in the afternoon, that occurs predictably day after day.

May be fussier during growth spurts – two weeks, six weeks, three months.

DOES COLIC EXIST?

  • If a baby has long periods of hard crying and seems to be in some sort of physical discomfort for which there is no apparent reason that you or your doctor can discover, he is often said to be colicky.
  • Colic = crying at least three hours a day, three days per week, for three weeks
  • -look at keeping baby on one breast only during a two to three hour period if you believe this is an issue related to foremilk/hindmilk imbalance
  • -look at vitamins, food supplements such as brewer’s yeast, large amounts of caffeine or foods or drinks with artificial sweeteners, maternal history of cigarette smoking, or a certain food (or foods containing milk- potentially allergenic beta-lactoglobulin ) in the mother’s diet that can be making baby more uncomfortable.
  • Rule out Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) -See www.pager.org for more information regarding GERD.

A Very Few of the Many Possible Signs and Symptoms of Reflux:

  • Frequent bouts of painful crying
  • Frequent episodes of spitting up
  • Nasal regurgitation
  • Painful bursts of night waking
  • Inconsolable bouts of abdominal pain
  • Again, see www.pager.org for more details or discuss with your pediatrician.

HOW DO YOU SOOTHE A CRYING BABY?

From THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING:

“When a baby cries, a nursing mother’s immediate instinctive response is to offer her breast. Whether it’s been ten minutes or two hours since baby was fed, a few minutes of sucking may be all he needs to settle down.”

From Our Babies, Ourselves:

“What seems to work best is simple human contact. Peter Wolff long ago demonstrated that picking up a baby works better than anything else to stop any baby from crying.”

Also you can look at:

  • -too warm
  • -too cold
  • -something he is wearing is causing the problem – try removing all of his clothes
  • -look the baby over carefully to make sure nothing is irritating the skin
  • -if he seems too warm, try leaving him in just a shirt and diaper
  • -if the room is too chilly, try wrapping him in a soft blanket
  • -some babies feel more secure if they are wrapped up snugly, or swaddled
  • -once he is calm, offer the breast again. This time he may just nurse off to sleep
  • -If he has downed so much milk he repeatedly spits it up, and still he cries…Try holding him against your shoulder and “baby waltz”
  • -try baby in baby carrier or sling and vacuum
  • -try a drive in the car
  • – a walk outdoors
  • -a warm bath may soothe you both
  • -rocking chair
  • -some babies cry because they are overtired but they are not happy being held as they fall asleep. Try laying your baby down and talk or sing to him softly as you pat him gently.

-“Babies are sometimes fretful for reasons that no one, not even a mother, can understand. If you can’t calm your baby right away, try not to let it upset you. Your baby will always benefit from a calm, loving mother. In handling any tiny baby, you have to move slowly and gently.” from THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING.

“SOME PARENTS ARE BLESSED WITH BABIES WHO ARE NOT SO EASY…” from Dr. William Sears. These babies are otherwise known as the….

HIGH-NEEDS BABY

Features of High-Need Babies: (As listed in Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book).

“Supersensitive” – acutely aware of environment, easily bothered by changes in environment, startle easily during day and settle poorly at night, do not readily accept alternative caregivers

“I just can’t put him down” In-arms, at-breast babies

“Not a self-soother”

“Intense”

“Wants to nurse all the time”

“Awakens frequently”

“Unsatisfied, unpredictable”

“Hyperactive, hypertonic”

“Draining”

“Uncuddly”

“Demanding”

Interestingly enough, Meredith Small, author of Our Babies, Ourselves,  points out that in other cultures :…”it is assumed that personality does not form until much later in life- until the child can talk and hold a conversation, or be trained. Babies in these cultures are viewed as blank slates, personality-less beings in the process of further development. But in other cultures, especially America, many believe each person has an inborn basic nature, one that might be molded or influenced, but which is essentially persistent through time….Although people are born not as blank slates but with a certain brain chemistry and genetic complement, it is the experience of life that molds this particular personality trait or behavior is purely genetic or purely learned – everything is a mixture of both.”  [Carrie’s note: Just a thought to ponder!].

EASY BABIES: are ones that are rhythmic in their bodily functions, adaptable to new situations, mild in their responses, and mostly in a good mood.

“DIFFICULT” (Meredith Small’s word, not mine!) BABIES: irregular, slow to adapt, intensely responsive to all stimuli and generally negative in attitude.

“…the mother’s awareness becomes an intimate part of the baby’s environment, and thus an influence on the infant’s developing personality.”

Ways to Try Soothing the Fussy Baby:

-rhythmic motion

-close and frequent physical contact

-soothing sounds

-feeding baby frequently

-responding promptly to baby’s cries

-wearing your baby

In “Raising Your Spirited Child” (Carrie’s note:  This book should be required reading for all mothers and fathers, for all types of children, not just the “so-called “Spirited Ones”), Mary Sheedy Kurcinka identifies the following characteristics:

Intensity

Persistence

Sensitivity

Perceptiveness

Adaptability

Regularity

Energy

First Reaction

Mood

She talks about ‘redesigning the labels’ .  I agree with this and feel strongly you should guard your thoughts and that you should guard your words around your “high needs” child! Over the years I have spoken with so many mothers who identified their child’s traits in rather negative terms with the child right there!  Please do not send this type of labeling and energy to your child!  They understand exactly what you are saying about them!

Soothing/Calming Activities for Older Spirited Children from the wonderful book “Raising Your Spirited Child” :

Water

Imagination

Sensory Activities

Reading

Humor

Time-In

I must add here, however, that so many of Rudolf Steiner’s ideas and thoughts are applicable to the high-needs child.  The whole idea of not drawing consciousness to the child’s individuality I believe is extremely important for a high-needs child who may feel singled out by his or her parents even at an early age.  Steiner’s notion of  a parent and teacher guarding your thought and speech around a child is also paramount for this child.  The idea of establishing rhythm can also be so helpful and necessary for a high-needs child who by their very nature is irregular and therefore cannot do this themselves.  Perhaps this is another post in its entirety.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world.

RESOURCES

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, published by La Leche League International

The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears

Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Living With the Active, Alert Child by Linda Budd

The Gesell Institute books by Louise Bates Ames, PhD and Frances L Ilg

Peaceful Life with a Three-Year-Old

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So, after we have discovered all the developmental characteristics from a traditional childhood development standpoint and also a brief look at an anthroposophical view of early childhood development, the questions begs to be asked:  How can I make my house and relationship with my child a peaceful one?

The first thing to do is to start with yourself – your own inner work, your own physical environment and your own health.  You set the tone in your home, and how you respond to your child matters.   You are an Authentic Leader in your home.  For more posts regarding being an Authentic Leader, please see the series of posts I wrote, beginning with this one:https://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/.  If you hit “no spanking” in the tags section, the rest of the posts in this series will come up.  This is important, as Steiner felt that the education of the small child started with the self-education of the parent, the right thoughts, the right attitude, warmth toward your small child.

Second,  take a serious look at your environment –  is there clutter that is hindering your ability to be peaceful within your own home?  Contrary to popular opinion, Waldorf education is not about having mounds of wooden toys!  Slim down your material objects, have a home for every toy, have ways to set up scenarios for play for your child.

Third, look carefully at your rhythm.  It is a fallacy in our society that three-year olds need stimulation outside of the home.  However, that being said, then you do  need a rhythm within your home in order to carry the three-year old, particularly if the three-year old has no older siblings to help carry the tone.  You will need a rhythm that could include such elements as consistent waking, nap and bedtimes, consistent meal times of warm food, storytelling, music,singing and verses throughout the day as you transition from one activity to another and celebrate the season, plenty of outside time – it is very difficult to settle down and play if you have a lot of energy!!- and time for the child to be (or not) a part of practical work.  This is the time to develop and sharpen your own skills in gardening, baking, cooking, housekeeping, laundry and ironing, knitting, puppet and toymaking.  More than anything, these are the things your child needs to see.  Your child needs to work on being in their bodies.  Stop talking and explaining so much – just do and be.  If you need help with this, please do see my post “Take My Three- Day Challenge”.

Three-year-olds need things to turn into a story, a song, a story about when you were little or they were born, a fantasy activity, a physical activity, but not scientific explanation.  There will be a time and a place for these explanations later, but the time is not now.  Logical thought is not there at age three.  Please save your logical explanations for later when the child is older; it will be so much more warmly appreciated then!

Three-year-olds are interested in being a friend and having a friend, but as we have seen in our previous post, they are not always the best at social skills.  Some would argue children need groups to develop these skills, I would argue that they will mature just fine even without a lot of interaction with their own peers.  It is interesting to me the number of mothers who have told me the pressure they have received from well-meaning family members and friends who told them that their shy child needed social interaction or school  in order to come out of their shell and by the same token their wild child needed more social interaction or school to calm down!  Children will develop well with a solid foundation of being firmly entrenched  in the home and with their own family.

If you are going to have a playdate or playgroup, please consider that a child under the age of 7 is at the height of imitative behavior, so if we have a playdate, arrive and tell the children to just “go play” they have nothing to imitate off of and therefore have difficulty getting things going.  A Waldorf playgroup is always fairly structured for this reason.   How much better to start with some singing, some seasonal verses or fingerplays, and an activity where the adults model good manners, “please” and “thank-you”, taking turns, before the children go off to play.  And please do keep the time short, a three –year old certainly does not need a playdate that stretches out for four hours!

Playdates and playgroups are inevitable really about the mothers who need to get together and talk and get support.  If there is any way you can do this in adult only time after the children go to bed or on a weekend lunch when your family can assist with watching your children, this can be so valuable.  Then the playgroup can be who it should really be about – the child.

If you have a firm rhythm, are firmly rooted in your home, and are bringing stories, music, and practical work to your child along with lots of outside time, then do be assured you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do.  If you are fostering in your child a sense of gratitude for the Earth and all her people and things, you are doing a wonderful job. 

Which, of course, does not always mean that your child will “behave”.  Many attached parents feel like failures when their children hit three or so, as the child’s sense of self and an increased need for boundaries start to come out. As a parent, you cannot count it as a “good day” if your child doesn’t cry or melt-down or not have a temper tantrum… You can count it as a “good day” if you were calm, if you helped to de-escalate the situation, if you held it together. And even then, please be easy with yourself!  Living with small children can be challenging!  This is about the path your child is taking as he or she grows and becomes their own person, this is not about you versus them.

However, the need for boundaries is there at age three.   If the child is hurting themselves or others, if the child is destroying property, if the child is just plain wild and irritating you or others – then the behavior needs to be guided.  In order to do this, you must be calm.  This is not a battle of wills, and if you as a parent think that way, you have already lost sight of what you should be doing as an Authentic Leader. 

Your child needs your calm, warm physical presence and sense of humor to help bring them back into their bodies when they are out of control.  They do not need sarcasm, judgment, guilt, bargaining, or separation to help them.  They need your warmth, your ideas for play, your smiles and hugs and love.  They don’t need a lot of explanation or adult burdens of the world.  Every child has a birthright to have his or her golden age of innocence and time of play and time of wonder.

Parenting a three-year old requires physical perseverance, emotional stability, calm words, creativity and a remembering what it is like to be small and full of wonder.  Cherish each day as your child passes through the stages; it all goes rather quickly,  even on the days when parenting seems like a repetitious, physical challenge.  On those days, call a friend and get some support; come and read the posts on this blog. I hope they are inspiring to you and give you some food for thought.  Talk with your spouse and find some time to have off for even half an hour.  Figure out between you and your spouse how all of you can be receiving enough sleep so you can be at your best.   Set the tone in your home and for your family.

Just a few thoughts from my little corner of the world; please do pass this on to any mothers of three-year-olds that you know!

I welcome your comments and inquiries below.