I have heard it said that parenting involves not just thinking alike, but thinking together. Parenting in a relationship means that the needs and thoughts of both parties have to be considered and communicated and compromised upon. It is hard work, but I encourage you to do the work. If I have parents reading this who are in their 20s and early 30s, I really want to encourage you to do this work now. I am in my 40s, and unfortunately there are many divorces going on amongst beautiful couples that we know – but most of the divorces had roots from when these couples were in their late twenties or early thirties. So, I would like to share five tips for those working toward parenting (and unifying other aspects of their life as well!) together.
- Parenting is just one aspect of how a couple communicates, respects and appreciates each other. I think “parenting” comes up as this hot button – whether it is breastfeeding, c0-sleeping, educational choices, discipline – but it really is a facet of: how do we communicate as a couple; does my spouse or partner respect me by listening to me and respecting my ideas and opinions as well; do we appreciate what each one of us brings to the table in this process? What do we both really value most for our family life?
- If communication skills and compromise are difficult and you both feel as if you are just going over the same thing in a circular fashion with no compromise or resolution, get help from a third party (earlier rather than later!). Many counselors work on a sliding scale, and many places of religious worship offer counseling as well. This chapter (http://theparentingpassageway.com/2012/08/26/overcome-gridlock-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/) in Dr. Gottman’s book about overcoming gridlock could also be helpful to you as a process at home.
- Have a set time to address challenges that are coming up in family life. When is actually a good time to talk through things that are important, where you can focus together without being interrupted?
- Cultivate some patience. Not every issue in attempting to co-parent or be unified always works out in compromise; sometimes the differences are still there but they are livable differences. Sometimes opinions change as one partner models things and shares with the other partner.
I have rounded up some wonderful, wonderful posts for you to read today.
First of all, yay for Kara for being back at Rockin’ Granola. This post is just wonderful and you must go read it right away. I have been married almost twenty one years, and this one is so right on: http://www.rockingranola.com/2012/12/baby-our-love-song-must-survive.html
Are you searching for lovely Santa Lucia stories to tuck away for next year? There is one here on The Parenting Passageway, and here is another one over at Bending Birches: http://bendingbirches2010.blogspot.com/2012/12/embracing-lightand-our-time.html Continue reading
This chapter begins by citing the hot buttons of marital discord: “Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, a new baby..Even in very happy and stable marriages, these issues are perennials…Although every relationship is different, there’s a reason why these particular conflicts are so common: They touch upon some of the marriage’s most important work.
Wow. Think about that for a moment. These are issues that cover almost everything in life, and gives true credence to that idea that having a good marriage takes work. However, what the author adds to this oft-repeated phrase and conversation about work in marriage is that it takes a “rich understanding” between the husband and the wife. Both people need and should feel secure in the marriage. Dr. Gottman cites that marriage should be a port in the storm , a place of peace.
I love this chapter because Dr. Gottman provides some real solutions to the six basic areas of stress. What I like about the sections devoted to each area is that he breaks it down to an essential task for the marriage to accomplish. He starts with the stress of the work day, and then spends a particular amount of time on the stress that in-laws can provide to a marriage (including an exercise based around this for you to work on in your family).
He also provides a multi-step solution to the dilemmas about money Continue reading
Planning is still on my mind. I have enjoyed looking through these samples of main lesson book pages from every grade here: http://www.waldorftoday.com/gallery/Main+Lesson+Book+Pages/
I have also enjoyed following along with how Sheila and Rachel are doing their planning here: http://sureastheworld.com/2012/06/18/planning-611-617/ (this is one in a series) and Rachel’s here: http://justtosay.typepad.com/just-to-say/2012/06/planning.html
I am using this link from The Department of Religious Education from The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America to help plan our religious education for the year: http://www.goarch.org/archdiocese/departments/religioused/resources/
More on planning to come!
I have also been thinking of my reader Jane, who has started a website to encourage single ladies to wait patiently for the right man; a man who will love and respect them and help create a positive family culture as they marry and raise children. She asked me if any of my readers who are happily married would be willing to share their inspiring story of finding each other or other encouragement for her single ladies. Here is the link: http://www.gettingtotruelove.com/tell-your-inspirational-love-story/. Thank you, Jane.
For my families who have children affected by sensory processing challenges: http://www.sensorysmarts.com/july_tips.html provides some great tips specific to summer and sensory challenges.
As always, I continue to find so many of my readers’ blogs inspiring, like this post by Kara: http://www.rockingranola.com/2012/06/slow-learner_14.html and this post by Annette (so happy she is blogging again and taking readers on a journey through the day in a series of posts! Do check it out!): http://ourseasonsofjoy.com/rhythms-and-routines/good-morning-dear-earth/ If you are sharing something wonderful on your blog and you would like my readers to know about it, please do go ahead and link below.
This chapter is entitled, “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration”. Dr. Gottman talks about how for many couples who are in trouble and on the brink of divorce, that their marriage may be able to be revitalized and saved if the couple has a “fondness and admiration system”.
“….the best test of whether a couple still has a functioning and admiration system is usually how they view their past. If your marriage is now in deep trouble, you’re not likely to elicit much praise on each other’s behalf by asking about the current state of affairs. But by focusing on your past, you can often detect embers of positive feelings.”
Dr. Gottman also talks about how a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a big buffer when troubled times hit. He brings up some other good points: Continue reading
This chapter begins with the premise that healthy marriages have two people who are emotionally intelligent. By this, the authors mean that each person in the marriage stores important information about their spouse: they remember important history, know who their spouse’s friends are, their spouse’s fears, likes, dislikes, anxieties, quirks, joys, passions. The authors call this having a detailed “love map”.
The authors cite one of the major causes of marital divorce is actually the birth of the first child. “Sixty-seven percent of couples in our newlywed study underwent a precipitous drop in marital satisfaction the first time they became parents. But the remaining 33 percent did not experience this drop – in fact, about half of them saw their marriage improve……What separated these two groups? You guessed it: The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go….” Continue reading
Today we kick off our new book study: “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver. This book was a New York Times bestseller, and has some interesting observations as to our most intimate relationships. You can find the link to it on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329658637&sr=8-1
Dr. Gottman spear-headed sixteen years of marriage and divorce research at University of Washington in Seattle and ended up being able to predict, with 91 percent accuracy, over three separate studies, whether a couple would stay married or end up in divorce. He got to the point where he could predict this after listening to a couple interact in his Love Lab for as little as five minutes! Continue reading