First of all, what a very Waldorf perspective gives us (and I think reading biological studies of sleep in infants, children and those in primitive societies back this up as well!) is that a small child may be born without much rhythm to their sleep and wake cycles. We have to remember first of all, that there is a certain amount of wisdom of nature seen in the wakefulness of the small infant up through a year.  Studies have shown that breastfeeding babies at 10 months are receiving ONE-QUARTER of their calories at night! Many people say their babies who were less than a year old “self-weaned” in many cases did not truly self-wean, but were more at a developmental stage of being completely wrapped up in gross motor movement during the day and not as interested in nursing – and if they are sleeping through the night, that really cuts down on their calories! Remember, human milk is the number one source of calories throughout the entire first year if not LONGER! So I don’t want to shortchange that. I also don’t want to have a 2 to 5 month old baby who sleeps through the whole night when the risk of SIDS is highest.

However, there is something to be said regarding gently helping your child to establish sleep and wake cycles. A child who is very irregular and has no rhythm may really need your help in this area!  Rhythm and routine can be such a strong aid in sleep and rest.  Even after a nap is “gone” (and I daresay in the olden days children did nap for longer than they seem to today!), we can and should replace this  with quiet time for the children and ourselves. Especially with homeschooling, one needs this break! And children need to learn the value of being quiet without someone or something electronic entertaining them!

Here are some posts regarding sleep from an attachment parenting perspective: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/16/co-sleeping-and-nighttime-parenting/including parameters for safe co-sleeping and includes an interesting dialogue about what happens if co-sleeping doesn’t work for you!

And here are some posts from a Waldorf perspective:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/12/bringing-rhythm-to-your-baby/

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/14/part-two-of-a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

and here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/13/a-waldorf-inspired-view-of-sleep/

And about quiet time:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/23/more-about-quiet-time/  (lots of comments here to read!)

This is my personal favorite post about sleep:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/05/29/struggling-at-bedtime/

I would love to see a lot of dialogue on this topic; sleep becomes a crucial part of teaching with the Waldorf educational process within the two or three-day rhythm, it is important for homeschooling mothers and mothers of small children to have rest times….so these are important issues to think about early on!

Blessings,

Carrie

I was practicing this technique the other night; a woman in my Foundation Studies class had drawn a gorgeous oak tree inside an acorn and I wanted to try to with this hatching technique. Mine didn’t turn out nearly as well as hers, but it made me think about how we all have a beautiful, bold, tall, strong tree inside of us…if we only take the time to nurture it.

I had been in the habit of doing yoga twice a day and intend to re-start this tonight.  I would love to hear what you are going to do this week to nurture yourself and take care of yourself.  Not only do you deserve to take care of yourself, but your family will appreciate it!

Many blessings, and Happy Mother’s Day to my American readers!

Carrie

If you remember,  Part One of Day Four  was about marriage:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2012/04/06/day-four-part-one-twenty-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/   Tonight I grabbed some of my well-worn (and needing to be cleaned) block crayons and set to work depicting something one often hears about marriages: how marriages have seasons. 

Spring marriages are hopeful, excited, optimistic about the future, full of thankfulness!  So thankful and grateful I found you!  So excited about the possibilities for the future!  There may be disagreements swirling around like the spring winds, but they seem small and breezy with the sun always shining through.    Many couples would say “spring” describes a season of early marriage, the beginning with all its shiny newness and glory.

In my almost twenty years of marriage, I can honestly say there have been many spring seasons, not just one.  The hope of being together in love, in the creation of new opportunities and possibilities, the joy of the ever-changing landscape that is marriage has been there many times,  always prompting me to learn something new about my spouse and about us.  Spring starts to define who we want to be, who we are and what our marriage is about.

A summer marriage reaps the relaxed and contented fruits of spring. I envision summer as a time of comfortable positivity where the ebb and flow of conflict gets easily resolved in a laugh out in the sun.  It is a time when you know who you are, who your spouse is, what your marriage is about, and the mellow joy that comes from that knowledge. 

Sometimes after periods of spring and summer, we fall into periods of other emotions.  Fall is often that time of tension:  I can feel the winter coming, will we survive it?  Maybe it is a time of emotional distance, a time of not knowing how to shore up the marriage for the future and knowing something needs to be done. 

Winter often signifies a time of hardship for many couples.  This may be the season  when a marriage hits a silent wall of discouragement, anger, resentment, disconnection.  I think all marriages go through periods of fall and winter; sometimes counseling can be helpful. Sometimes, if you are able to open up the lines of communication together, the winter can be blown away and left behind as spring comes again in all its glory.

Thinking about marriage today and its inevitable seasonal changes as time passes,

Carrie

(Interestingly, I have not changed this original post as much as did the other posts in this series so far except to add some information.  Some topics are just tried and true, I think.)

(The original disclaimer to this post also still stands:  this post is directed toward day-to-day marital issues, not marital issues where physical or emotional abuse is taking place.)

Yes, we are back to one of my favorite soapbox issues: your relationship with your spouse, partner or significant other (and to my single mommies, I am sorry that this post today probably won’t have a lot of challenging information for you! )

As mindful parents and as homeschooling parents, what happens between the adults in the household is vitally important.  The Gesell Institute book “Your Eight-Year-Old” talks about how the eight-year-old is acutely interested and aware of the quality of the relationships of the adults in the house and is watching intensely. I would say this starts well before the age of eight! You are modeling for your children what a healthy relationship looks like, the roles of not only a mother and a father but of a husband and a wife. What are you modeling for your children?

Please, please think about what your home will look like in twenty years when your children are gone and you and your husband are left alone together. What will your relationship look like? I have a friend who asked that question of me, but also added:  “And how can you prepare for that day now?”

What a great question!  What are we doing as wives, partners, helpmeets to make our relationship with the adult of the family strong?  How is this relationship the rock upon which parenting and homeschooling is built?  And if it is not the rock, why not?  Has it fallen into a state of familiar inattention and is it last on the list?

How can we grow together in love?

Many of you know I am a proponent of an early bedtime for children past infancy and nap stages so Mom and Dad can have time for their relationship at night. I know that does not resonate with everyone out there, but I am throwing it out there again because I have seen it work personally with quite a few parents in my area. Just being able to have some time to finish sentences together and be, well, adults, often seems to put a spark back into the relationship.

Some parents do arrange dates for lunch, coffee, or dinner and take along a sling-able baby or a toddler who would be distressed by the separation but leave the older children at home with a trusted relative or friend. For some families this works well.

Other families choose to have dates “in” and have books, games, movies, take -out food or a romantic dinner ready to go after the kids fall asleep. This is another very viable alternative.

Intimacy can be a difficult subject to discuss, but I personally believe that physical intimacy is very important to the spousal relationship. Many men will open up to emotional intimacy after the physical intimacy has been fulfilled. Physical intimacy can be emotionally fulfilling for them. Women tend to want the emotional intimacy first. Work together in these areas to make things fulfilling for both of you!

Other important areas toward improving marital intimacy includes having respect for your husband. Does he never,ever  do anything right?  Do  you talk about him negatively in front of your children?  Many of the men I speak with about marriage and family less tell me that respect is such a hot button subject for them.  Karol Ladd in her book, “The Power of a Positive Mother” writes on page 193 (and I LOVE this!): “Our kids pick up on the kindness and respect we show to other people, beginning in our own homes. When we speak with respect to our husbands, our kids learn how to speak with respect to one another.” Don’t you all love that, or is it just me?!

Often as an attached parent, it is easy to put your children ahead of your marriage (and indeed many times this HAS to be the case for infants, older infants and even toddlers who need help at bedtime and such – these early years won’t last forever!). However, once you have multiple children, one can only put the marriage on the back burner for so long before I think one has to come back to a balance that includes the adults’ relationship in the house. 

Here are some oldie but goodie posts I have written regarding challenges in marriage and working toward better relationships in the home:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/27/more-on-marriage-how-do-you-work-with-the-differences/

The Stages of Marriage here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/19/inspirations-from-tapestries-the-stages-of-marriage/

Here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/17/using-your-first-year-of-parenting-to-fall-deeper-in-love-with-your-spouse/

And here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/08/parenting-as-partners/

This topic of focusing on your spouse is important, so very important!  Perhaps today you can meditate on ways to communicate better, consider the needs of the whole family (not only the children!) and your role not only as a mother and as a homeschooling mother/teacher, but your role as wife as well.

Many blessings and much love,

Carrie

How we as mothers hold our feelings steady impacts our family….Feelings can be like waves of emotion, but positive feelings can also have a quality of raying out  to envelop those around us…

An action such as the meditative drawing of running forms before bed can help demonstrate joy and positivity, ever moving from us toward our families…

Ever striving, always working on our own attitudes…

Many Blessings this Holy Week,

Carrie

Originally, this post was about positivity.  I wanted to update this  with a bit about meeting ourselves, those around us, and especially our children with love and with delight, pleasure and humor, and yes, with a certain positivity.

Kim John Payne writes eloquently about the “soul fever” the children of today are experiencing.  HIs recent article published by The Huffington Post about “soul fever” is here:  http://www.runyt.com/2012/03/12/kim-john-payne-why-the-ritalin-debate-is-asking-the-wrong-question-healing-our-kids-soul-fever-with-simplicity/

I was thinking about us, as adults, and the concept of “soul fever.”  How we are and what we think greatly affects our children.  Some adults are more melancholic than others.  Some adults are very analytical and talk and provide elaborate explanations to  the small child, and in the midst of this is often is the idea that the world is never right, never perfect, that there is always something to criticize. Some parents are very anxious and hovering.

This is not a post to condemn nor to judge, but just a gentle space and place to point out the value in stepping back each and every day and observing ourselves and how we feel toward life.  What do we really think on our innermost and deepest level? What do we do when we have “soul fever”? How does this relate to our own mindful parenting?

I think the answer and the key to being joyous and positive is different for each mother. You and you alone hold the power to this.

Simplifying can be a wonderful start toward regaining balance and a positive, joyous attitude.  Clearing one’s calendar and not being so involved outside the family can be helpful and calming.    However, I have also found and seen that some mothers, whose lives are already fairly simplified, have found that they do very little outside of their own family and actually find that adding in an activity that helps someone else ends up bringing them joy.  I have a dear friend who volunteers and stays overnight at a shelter for homeless women one night a week.  She has told me what joy that has brought to her and how that radiates in her life. Again, every mother is different and part of this comes down to knowing yourself.

And sometimes even  more than the radical changes, it can be the small things that makes one feel joyous, which then transmits into a joyous home and a greater ability to just be present.  Accessing joy through the senses can be so helpful in this regard:  freshly baked bread, the smell of something that was just cleaned, time in the hammock,  listening to the birds, seeing a single flower picked from the garden on the dinner table.

Sometimes joy can also be found as we seriously and unceasingly work on our own inner development and how we capture and control our own worst enemy- our thoughts.    I personally use many Christian spiritual techniques, including memorization of Scripture.  Here is one of my favorite books by Orthodox writer Anthony Coniaris regarding controlling thoughts:  http://www.light-n-life.com/shopping/order_product.asp?ProductNum=CONF250

Here are some other things different mothers have told me worked well for them to maintain a positive, confident attitude of joy in family life:

• Positive self-talk – in other words, learning how to use our words to NOT magnify a situation.
• Focusing on solving the problem rather than just the complaint of it all.
• Encouragement from a spouse or dear friend or family member.
• Taking care of oneself – Are you getting enough rest at night and are you taking a daily quiet time?
• A Support System – this is so important; many mothers are very isolated! ….Which leads me to…..
• Do you have any community at all? A religious community, a spiritual community, a neighborhood community, a homeschooling community?

Leave your thoughts and inspiration for other mothers in the comment section!   I cannot wait to hear your experiences and suggestions to help other mothers renew themselves.

Peace,

Carrie

Forgiveness is part of the human journey; I meet so many people who are so upset that they might be wrong and that they might not be perfect.

Yet, making mistakes, asking forgiveness from others and forgiving ourselves is what shapes our souls.

It changes us and leaves marks on us.

It exposes our flaws for what they are….

And hopefully leads us to balance;  not perfection and not “doing it right.”

Changing forms in clay is an exercise in the will, just as living life often is.  I have made a lot of mistakes in life.  This used to upset me, but the older I get the more I can see the mistakes for what they are, the help that they are, the learning I obtain from those mistakes.

I am grateful.

Many blessings in your modeling work,

Carrie

(Photograph courtesy of Samantha Fogg of work+play positive dog training  at http://workplaydogs.com/)

I love this photograph because it reminds me that beautiful things are still happening in some of nature’s most quiet and dark seasons; just as sometimes we personally have to go through dark periods to come out into new growth. Part of the process of creating your family often leads to acknowledging things you would like to do differently; things you would like to be better, and opportunities for a positive and beautiful new beginning.

In the process of acknowledging what you would like to change or do differently, I hope you take the time to see all the things that you do right.  I also hope you forgive yourself for any unrealistic expectations that you were harboring about parenting and family life or homeschooling.  I hear from so many mother who seem to be disappointed in themselves.

I think forgiveness is a huge part of a mindful path in parenting and in homeschooling. I have written some posts on guilt and forgiveness in the past that  I would like to share with you here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/27/forgiving-ourselves/ and here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/22/waldorf-guilt/ and here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/14/is-it-too-late/.

Self-forgiveness is often a process where one has to accept and forgive themselves for being HUMAN and not perfect. It is part of life to be “not perfect”, to be authentic and real, flaws and all.  We keep striving, and most of all, we start doing and trying.  It is not enough to read it in a book, or to gather and collect information..you must jump in and start in order to capture your own will and affect real and meaningful change.

So I ask you tonight……

What are your wounds that require self-forgiveness?

How do you acknowledge disappointment, loss?

How can your inner work help you in the journey of self-forgiveness?

Parenting is not perfection, it is a journey. Your child is not a psychological extension of you. I hear parents worry all the time that their child will grow up and resent the choices they have made; that Waldorf homeschooling will not be “enough” and that the child will blame them when they are in college and realize not every single thing was covered for them in their homeschooling education, etc.

Huh.

I don’t know about you, but I attended one of the best public school systems in New York. I have gone on to college to earn two degrees, and there were many subjects and ideas that were not covered in my public school career. If I knew everything coming out of high school, why would I need or want to go on to college? And then there were some things I learned in high school that made so much more sense in college –precalculus and physics come to mind!

There is always going to be some website or person who espouses the horrors of some parenting decision you have made –whether that is extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling, Waldorf homeschooling. We are all different people, and I think it is okay that people have different views. Our views also change over time. Part of being human means that we continue to develop until the day we pass from this earth.  We learn and we grow.  I find comfort in that, and I hope you do as well.  Sometimes knowing you are doing the very best you can Right Now In This Moment is plain powerful confidence!

We can still be confident even if we are not perfect. We still have more years of living than our children, we can still strive to be listeners, to be patient, to communicate without sarcasm or blame. We can exude a quiet confidence and strength in parenting even without perfection.

Forgive yourself, be easy with yourself, and most of all love yourself. I believe in a Creator, and in the Creator’s eyes, you are His Beloved!

Blessings and love,

Carrie

It takes time and space to develop; much like the time and space it takes to create a beautiful fluid painting.  The possibilities are endless; mindful consideration is called for.

We look at all the elements that create family life and work in an effort to blend them together:

Roaring, racing red that gives us form:

Shy, quiet blue that moves outward and permeates the home and family:

Extroverted, excited yellow, spiraling ever outward bringing fun and joy, the polarities of different things bringing balance to the family:

Until a beautiful, mindful family culture is created where individuals can unfold and grow…including the adults of the family.

Take a few moments this week to bring some fluidity and creativity into your life, into this business of parenting and creating a family life.  I can’t wait to see what you all come up with.

Much love,
Carrie

Lenten tidings to you all, dear readers!

Lent is this sobering, quieting time of new beginnings.  It becomes the time and space for confession and for asking forgiveness, both in public and in private.  It becomes the time of setting forth priorities and laying forth new inroads of habits.  A time of using less resources, both of food and of our planet’s energy.  A time of new prayer and much reading.  And a time of doing.

I think many people do not associate Lent with doing.  But I do.  The website Full Homely Divinity says, “The Celtic saints who laid the foundations for our Anglican traditions were an extreme lot.  One might say that their practice of the faith was homely in the extreme.  They lived in harsh times and seemed to exult in taking on harsh challenges, physically and spiritually.  Thus, they challenge us in the softer times in which we live and in the softer ways in which we choose to live as Christians.” You can see the full article here, including a summary of the wonderful Lenten book about St. Kevin and the blackbird here:  http://fullhomelydivinity.org/articles/full%20homely%20lent.htm

Now is the time – what are your priorities for your family? Are you willing to step out and live that?  What is your place and your mark to make to help your community?  Are you doing it?

And your parenting:  it is not enough to just read blogs or books and toddle on the way you always have.  Now is the time to do.  Be present with your children by taking an electronic fast.  Play with your children.  Do real work in front of them.  Show them how to live!

In the spirit of Lent, I offer you several links that are my favorite for this season:

Carbonfast for Lent:  http://carbonfast.blogspot.com/

Church Fathers Lenten Reading Plan: http://www.churchyear.net/lentfathers.html

A Lenten Calendar for children:   http://thesefortydays.blogspot.com/2008/02/project-lenten-calendar.html 

We will also be coming back to the oldie but goodie series  “Twenty Days Toward Being A More Mindful Mother” with updated versions of these classic posts that will also include a strong component of real, practical work – the doing piece that is the balance to inner work.

Many blessings,

Carrie