Discipline is our seventh facet of a healthy family culture.  Discipline, to me, boils down to nothing less than how you guide your child or children toward becoming a mature and healthy adult. Discipline requires authenticity, yes, but also a steadiness and platform of patience and evenness, and an understanding of children’s development and the best tools to use when.  The tools of discipline, to me, differ based on the developmental stage of the child.

 Being An Authentic Leader – This is one of the very first posts I ever wrote on this blog:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/16/gentle-discipline-as-authentic-leadership/

The first ingredient is of course, you.  Your views, your steadiness, and yes, your family culture obviously influence things.  And no, I don’t think you need to be this completely calm mother who walks around like she in a valium-induced haze.  I know loads of mothers who have incredible energy!  I do think, though, that there has to be a steadiness of not being completely overwhelmed and frustrated.  And that, to be honest, can be really difficult when children are very small.  And teenagers also take a lot of energy!

The qualities I think about most in my own mothering were the ones I described in the series “20 Days Toward More Mindful Mothering”.  Some of my long-term readers might remember that series.  Cultivating these qualities is what inner work and personal development is all about.  You can see those posts here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/category/general-wisdom/20-days-toward-more-mindful-mothering/

How Do You View Children and Childhood?  Much of this boils down to what you think about children. Do you think they are miniature adults with less experience just waiting to be filled up with knowledge?  Do you think the consciousness of the child and the rationality of the child is the same as the adult?  Many times we would point to teenagers, and laugh, and say, oh no of course a teenager is not as rational as an adult, but yet we parent them by talking them to death and expecting them to come to the same conclusions that a forty-three year old adult would in the same situation.  They might, but they might not! 

I often think of the ages of birth through seven being a time of doing, the time of age seven through age fourteen of being the time of strong feelings, and the time of age fourteen through age twenty-one being when rational thought is being developed.  To me, childhood ends around the age of twenty-one.

If we concur that development does take time, that children of different ages actually are different in the way that they think and respond to things, then we can look at tools and expectations based upon development.

However, the one thing that remains steady through all of these ages is CONNECTION and ATTACHMENT.  You cannot parent without this.  Please do go back and read the posts that summarize the wonderful book “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers”.  Connection is the number one way to discipline a child. 

Discipline Tools – So, for me, the methods and tools of discipline looks a bit different dependent upon the child’s age.  I have written many, many, many posts on this.

In a brief nutshell, for  the ages birth to seven, your discipline techniques really involves slowing down.  Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm, and slowing down really sets the tone for what happens. Small children should be involved in meaningful work, and plenty of  indoor and outdoor play.   Physically moving with your child into what needs to be done whilst you are singing and helping them is most helpful.  Children of this age imitate what you are doing, so making sure you are doing something worthy of imitation is very important.  Words and talking the child to death is the least important part of this picture. 

For children ages seven to fourteen, this is a time to be a loving authority in your child’s life because there will be many instances of your child discovering what the boundaries of your home life truly are, and they are searching to see  if you yourself walk the walk of what you are telling your child.  Criticism of the parent seems to start in our times around ages nine or ten, not in the same way that a teenager criticizes, but children of this age certainly do notice if you tell them one thing and then do another!  Calm, sure, steady and warm are hallmarks in discipline of this age.

For children fourteen to twenty-one, the parent is moving into more of an age of being the expert guide on life’s issues and the child is of course taking increasing responsibility.  Here is an interesting blog post from over at Christopherus regarding parenting teenagers and talking specifically about dealing with friends:  http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2005/07/keeping_one_ste.html

Many blessings,

Carrie

General Age Groupings

The Typical Ages of Disequilibrium
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/27/the-typical-ages-of-disequilibrium/

How To Best Support Your Child’s Development: From Birth to Age Three
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/11/how-to-best-support-your-childs-development-ages-birth-through-three/

The Newborn: Traditional and Anthroposophical Perspectives
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/11/the-newborn-traditional-and-anthroposophical-perspectives/

Common Toddler Challenges and How to Solve Them
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/

Tripping Into The Toddler Years
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/10/tripping-into-the-toddler-years/

How To Best Support Your Child’s Development Ages 3-5
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/13/how-to-best-support-your-childs-development-ages-3-5/

Discipline For Preschoolers 3-5 Years: “Discipline Without Distress”
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/31/discipline-for-preschoolers-3-5-years-discipline-without-distress/

Boys Under Age 7 and Hitting
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/03/28/boys-under-age-7-and-hitting/

Back To Basics: Realistic Expectations For Mealtimes (For Age 1-8)
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/17/back-to-basics-realistic-expectations-for-mealtimes/

Normal Stages in Sleep For The Child Ages 4-9
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/03/27/normal-stages-in-sleep-for-the-child-ages-4-9/

__________________________________

Specific Ages:

The One-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/11/07/the-one-year-old/

The Twelve-To-Twenty-Two Month Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/22/the-twelve-to-twenty-two-month-old-a-traditional-perspective/

The Two-Year-Old: A Traditional Perspective
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/11/the-two-year-old-a-traditional-perspective/

So How Do I Live Peacefully With my Two Year Old?
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/14/so-how-do-i-live-peacefully-with-my-two-year-old/

An Anthroposophic View of the Second Year
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/19/an-anthroposophic-view-of-the-second-year/

Peaceful Life with a Three-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/19/peaceful-life-with-a-three-year-old/

Three-Year Old Behavior Challenges
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/01/18/three-year-old-behavior-challenges/

Realistic Expectations: Ages 3 & 4
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

Strong-Willed At Three and Four Years of Age
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/04/16/strong-willed-at-three-and-four-years-of-age/

Peaceful Life With A Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/07/peaceful-life-with-a-four-year-old/

More About the Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/03/more-about-the-four-year-old/

Fantastic Four Year Old!
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/04/fantastic-four-year-old/

Realistic Expectations for the Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/05/realistic-expectations-for-the-four-year-old/

Four-Year-Olds Who Ask Many Questions
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/20/four-year-olds-who-ask-many-questions/

Discipline for the Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/discipline-for-the-four-year-old/

“Social Experiences” For A Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/07/social-experiences-for-a-four-year-old/

More About “Social Experiences” For the Four-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/09/more-about-social-experiences-for-the-four-year-old/

Realistic Expectations: Ages 5 & 6
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/29/more-realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The Fabulous Five-Year-Old!
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/

Waldorf In The Home With The Five-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/22/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-five-year-old/

Interesting Observations About The Five Year Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/22/interesting-observations-about-the-five-year-old/

How To Best Support Your Child’s Development During The Six/Seven Year Change
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/16/how-to-best-support-your-childs-development-during-the-sixseven-year-change/

Preparing for the Six/Seven Year Change: The Importance of Boundaries
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/11/19/preparing-for-the-sixseven-year-change-the-importance-of-boundaries/

Other Questions Parents Have About The Six/Seven Year Change
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/18/other-questions-parents-have-about-the-sixseven-year-change/

Peer Relationships For the Six to Eight Year Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/05/peer-relationships-for-the-six-to-eight-year-old/

Your Super Seven-Year-Old: Traditional and Anthroposophical Views of Development, Part Two
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/18/your-super-seven-year-old-traditional-and-anthroposophical-views-of-development-part-two/

Peaceful Living with Your Super Seven-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/19/peaceful-living-with-your-seven-year-old/

How To Talk To Your Seven and Eight-Year Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/26/how-to-talk-to-your-seven-and-eight-year-old/

The Seven and Eight Year Old: Realistic Expectations
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/02/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-realistic-expectations-last-installment-of-day-number-10-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The Seven and Eight-Year-Old: Still A Need for Protection
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/08/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-still-a-need-for-protection/

The Nine-Year-Old: A Traditional View
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/28/the-nine-year-old-a-traditional-view/

The Nine-Year-Old: An Anthroposophic Perspective
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/01/the-nine-year-old-an-anthroposophic-perspective/

A Few Resources For The Nine-Year-Change
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/11/a-few-resources-for-the-nine-year-change/

My Advice For The Nine Year Change
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/15/my-advice-for-the-nine-year-change/

Third Grade and The Nine Year Change
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/25/third-grade-and-the-nine-year-change/

The Nine-Year Old Girl
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/11/23/the-nine-year-old-girl/

Discipline, Support and Guidance of the Nine-Year-Old
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/03/discipline-support-and-guidance-of-the-nine-year-old/

The Foundation Years of Ages 9-12: Decreasing High-Risk Behavior in Teens
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/06/the-foundation-years-of-ages-9-12-decreasing-high-risk-behavior-in-teens/

Many blessings,

Carrie

Success lies in  reminding ourselves why we do what we do, and how we can plan and organize to make homeschooling life successful.  I believe homeschooling, especially homeschooling multiple children in multiple grades, can require and demand a large degree of organization to go smoothly

One suggestion I have is to re-visit the benefits of a Waldorf Education AND homeschooling.  Waldorf Education is an education that addresses the development of the child right where that child is.  It is an education that really provides for an almost Renaissance experience of well-roundedness, that respects the unfolding of development and abilities.  It is academically rigorous and progressive.  It makes art the vehicle for teaching and enlivens every subject.  If you need a further pep talk regarding this subject, I highly recommend you try reading Rudolf Steiner’s “A Modern Art of Education” for parents with children in the grades.  If your children are under seven, how about reading “Kingdom of Childhood”?

Why are you committed to homeschooling?  Homeschooling is first and foremost about family.  What is helping you keep your commitment to homeschool and what is hindering it all?  Head back and read the posts on this blog from the book “Hold On To Your Kids;  Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers” to inspire you again!

I think one thing to really focus on with homeschooling is to realize that we may SAY we are homeschooling because we want to put family first, but then if we treat every day in an angry, complaining, whining, “this is so difficult” kind of way, we are defeating the primary goal of homeschooling.   Just defeating the beauty of the whole thing. There will always be bad days when we homeschool, just like when you worked every day was not the perfect day, but we have to keep striving and moving forward.

What we need to fix this is an active life of personal development and prayer and meditation. 

What are you doing for your personal development as a parent?  What are you doing to work on your weaker or more challenging areas of being a parent?  May I humbly suggest this ever popular series on this blog: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/17/20-days-to-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

I recently started to keep a little journal.  I am writing down every single thing that I find irritating or upsetting during the day.  I had three things today that upset me.  (I know some of you are laughing right now because you may feel as if your list would have a hundred things on it!  You could still do this though – it may help whittle down what is major and what is really only minor).    I plan to do this for forty days, and pray and meditate during this time so I can meet the things that personally bother me (that probably wouldn’t bother other people at all) with a gentle spirit, a positive attitude, a closed mouth and an open heart. If you approach things with a hardness of heart sometimes, perhaps something like this would work for you as well. 

The other thing I think is very important is to understand where your child is developmentally.  Every age from birth through the nine year change is on this blog; “Soul Economy” by Rudolf Steiner goes through each age, and “Education for Adolescents” by Rudolf Steiner is excellent for those of you with the upper grades aged children/children in the high school years.

The third thing that will bring you success is to  get organized inside and out.  Are you organized in your house?  How many toys and clothes do your children have and can you de-clutter?  Do you need so many dishes and glasses and towels and sheets?  Can you open all the closets and drawers in your house without things falling out?  Could you make it a priority this summer to hire a mother’s helper from the neighborhood or arrange with family members to play with your children for a few hours each week so you can get your house under control in time for the new school year?

Things such as knowing what day you will shop for groceries, what day you will run other errands, when you will clean what and having a meal plan will go a long way toward keeping your homeschool from being buried under a mountain of laundry with no snacks.  

More about cleaning and children and homeschooling in my next post.

Love to all,

Carrie

These are five things every parent needs to have right now; these are the keys to parenting!

Compassionate Connection :  Connection is the number one tool to parenting and to discipline, to that guiding of a child throughout these years at home.  You get it by choosing to connect with your child, by  choosing to view you and your child as being on the same team instead of being against each other.  You get it by choosing to love your child as you guide them over the bumps of life and development instead of being mad at them for being immature and making mistakes, which is what small children are and what small children do.

Kindness :  Kindness in the home is of utmost importance.  Your small child is watching everything you do and say and how you treat other people, including how you treat yourself.  Do you have boundaries for how other adults treat you?  Your children are watching this!  Boundaries is a part of being kind to yourself and to others.

How do you promote kindness in your home?  How do you model forgiveness for yourself for being human?  Try this one for ideas:   http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

Gentleness:  Your child always deserves to have gentle hands.  If you cannot be gentle with them, you must take a parent time-out.  You can set a boundary, stick to a boundary, and still be gentle and loving.  It is possible!  You can parent peacefully!   See here for one of the many posts about this on this blog:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/05/an-emergency-how-to-how-to-parent-peacefully-with-children-under-age-9/

and here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/17/raising-peaceful-children/

Patience:  Many parents will ruefully sigh and say, “I am not patient enough with my child.”  I agree it is important to have patience regarding the day to day and minute to minute interactions with your child; I have many posts about that,  but the kind of patience I am really talking about right now  is being patient with the process of DEVELOPMENT. This means not rushing a child out of childhood, and being willing to set boundaries to preserve that child’s innocence in early childhood and in the grades of school as well.     Understanding developmental stages and having realistic expectations for each age is vital.  There are many posts on this blog about this, all the developmental stages are currently covered from the age of twelve months through age nine.  There are also many posts regarding  babies under the “Baby and Toddler” header.  Here is one post regarding patience for your reading pleasure:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/15/the-power-of-patience-day-number-18-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-parent/

Maturity:  Having a baby and a small child in the home SHOULD cause a change in your lifestyle.  Please do not use the fact you are breastfeeding and can carry your child in a  sling as an excuse to drag your child to all kinds of adult places with no rhythm in sight.  Why should your toddler  behave while you have coffee with a friend?  Why should your small baby sleep through the night when biologically they are not there yet?  Why should your toddler or younger preschooler willingly separate from you when they consider themselves to be a part of you?    Have the maturity to know that this is a season, this too shall pass, and that these early years of childhood are remarkably short.

A Positive Attitude! I have written about this repeatedly.  Here are a few back posts for your reading pleasure: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/19/day-number-three-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

and here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/17/the-power-of-being-a-positive-mother/

Simple parenting entails just these five steps to start.  A great beginning!!

Many blessings,

Carrie

The second and third days of Christmas are ones in which  I am left thinking, pondering and meditation on the role of sacrifice and generosity in parenting.

What can you sacrifice this year in order to be a better parent, a better homemaker for your family?

Sacrifice is not a popular term these days.  People want to have children.  And then they are faced with reality when they realize it is difficult to take your “before children” life and add children and stir.  I wrote about this in my blog post “Raising An Inconvenience” here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/07/13/the-mini-rant-raising-an-inconvenience/

Here is part of that post:

“Mature love and parenting involves you putting your child’s welfare ahead of your own.  I have said it before, and I will say it again: children are messy, noisy, learning, immature.  They don’t sleep like an adult, they don’t reason like an adult, they take a long time to mature and develop (and 7, 8, 9, 10 year-olds are still little!  So I am talking 21 years of growth and development!).  They get sick, they laugh and cry at the wrong times, they fall down, they fight with each other and with you. 

They are also wonderful.  They will show you a spiritual world that you may have forgotten existed.  They will say the funniest things.  No one will love you like a sweet child.

Adjusting to having an infant can be challenging; it can be difficult.  I am very sympathetic to mothers needing support and help.  The choices we make in these early years set the foundation for discipline, for the school years, and later for the teenaged years.  It should make one stop and at least consider different choices rather than just decide on something because it is easiest.  You cannot take your “before children life” and just add children and stir.   Having children should change your life, don’t you think?

As mothers and fathers, it is our privilege and our responsibility to provide our children with a childhood they hopefully won’t have to recover from.  No matter what we do, our children will go their own way as they mature and grow in early adulthood.  But, it is our job to give them the footing to start.  It is our job to guide.  And I don’t know about you, but the development of my children’s  physical, emotional, academic and character is worth me being inconvenienced any day or night of the week!”

Maybe this is the year and the time for you to sacrifice something else: negativity and complaining.

Here are some back posts regarding being a positive mother and promoting kindness in your home:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/29/cultivating-gratitude-the-inner-work-of-advent/

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/19/day-number-three-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

And probably one of my all-time favorite posts, this one on Kindness: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/03/kindness-in-your-home/

This is the year for you to be GENEROUS with your family.  Be generous with your love, with your smiles and hugs.  Be generous with your laughter and joy.  Your children and family are here to make every day blessed, not a burden!  Be generous with the amount of time you spend with your family, be generous with your graciousness as you take care of your home and your family.

Be generous with yourself.  I see mothers who are so, so very hard on themselves!  Why?  Be kind to yourself, be easy with yourself.   Forgive yourself, move forward and show your children how to do this. 

Try these back posts for help:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/18/no-comparison/  and http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/27/forgiving-ourselves/

You are being called to serve!  How are you going to do it?

Much love and many blessings,

Carrie

Sometimes it is so hard to pull out the right tool at the right time, isn’t it?

Part of what can really help you in your parenting is:

1.  To get very clear with yourself and your partner how you view the small child.  This provides a framework for everything from guiding a child’s behavior to education.

I have written about this time and time again.  The consciousness of the small child is completely different than an adult consciousness.  In our society we tend to think of small children as miniature adults with less experience and then are disappointed when talking and reasoning and offering a million choices doesn’t seem to make things go smoothly.

Small children, to me, are beautiful spiritual beings who are here learning.  They don’t do things to make you angry on purpose!  They are trying things out, they are complete sense organs who are taking everything in, they imitate everything they see, and yes, they pull out their own things as well!  I have had so many mothers lament to me, “Wow, I cannot believe little Billy just (fill-in-the-blank:  kicked me, spit at me, hit me, yelled at me).  We don’t do that to him, I can’t believe it!”

In discipline, small children need you to re-direct them into PHYSICAL activity with a pictorial way of speaking.  They need you to not crumple into a ball over their behavior, but to help them make it right through restitution.  And they really need you to stop talking so much!  Hum, sing, move them, work.  Stop talking so much and pulling them so much into their heads!

Protect their senses by being home and having a rhythmic, non-hurried household, and you will see your children shine!

If you need  further realistic expectations for each age, here they are:

For the three and four-year-old:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/28/realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

For the four-year-old:   http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/05/realistic-expectations-for-the-four-year-old/

For the five and six-year-old:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/29/more-realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

For the seven and eight-year-old:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/02/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-realistic-expectations-last-installment-of-day-number-10-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

For the nine-year-old:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/03/discipline-support-and-guidance-of-the-nine-year-old/

The second step to help you in your parenting is this:

2.  To understand that whatever your child’s more challenging behaviors are being caused by, the behavior is still there and you still need to meet it.  I recommend you get very familiar with the options that are in your tool box for parenting.  This includes gentle discipline techniques but also includes such things as knowing what you will allow at what age, and what your boundaries truly are. 

Some parents really don’t seem to have many boundaries at all.  If you need help in this area, try this back post:http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/06/23/gentle-parenting-and-boundaries/

Many blessings,

Carrie

I know this is not popular opinion, so please do take this and meditate on it (even if this idea totally irritates you for this moment!) and see if anything about it resonates with you! I think small children under the age of 7 need rhythm and being home, especially if this under -7 child is your oldest child.  Those of us with babies and older children lament that the little ones have to come along to things – when your preschool aged child is your oldest, you have options!   Trust me, there will be plenty of time for “field trips”, classes, lessons and other things as your child matures, and these things will mean much more to them at that time.   I have written many back posts on this!

Here are some things I think are important for small children:

• A strong rhythm of in-breath and out-breath, ie, quiet times and more active times.
• Learning how to do lots of practical things around the house with cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, baking.
• Having lots of time in nature.
• Having lots of time to help prepare for festivals, holidays, religious celebrations. Surrounding yourself and your child with your deep spiritual beliefs.  If you don’t know what those are, now is the time to figure it out!
• Having unhurried time.  Time to sleep and to rest, which a child cannot do if they are rushing around.
• Doing activities that stimulate the imagination and limiting adult stresses.
• Parents who are doing inner work in the five things that every parent needs:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/29/five-things-every-parent-needs/
• The Laws of Childhood: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/07/23/carries-laws-of-childhood/

These are the years that you will not be able to get back, and it is important to meditate mindfully upon what is best for your family.  Please do!

If you need some back post help, here are a few that you may want to read or re-read and think about:

• Rhythm:  Try this one to start, there are many more:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/24/rhythm-day-number-seven-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/
• Preschoolers need their family more than a peer group:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/09/more-about-social-experiences-for-the-four-year-old/
• Waldorf Kindergarten Tips:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/12/03/top-10-essential-of-the-waldorf-kindergarten-at-home/

Many blessings to all of you!

Carrie

We talked a bit about planning for fall in a recent post, and I wanted to make sure my mothers with under-7 children didn’t feel left out.  We are up to the five-year-old now!  I still hold some maverick views compared to much of the Waldorf community, so please take what resonates with you and leave the rest from this post.  If you are searching for the other posts in this series, here is the one- and two-year old in the home:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/06/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-one-and-two-year-old/      and here is the three- and four-year-old in the home:  http://www.theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/13/waldorf-in-the-home-with-the-three-and-four-year-old/ .  If you review those back posts, you can see life is focused on rhythm, bodily care, singing, work around the house, being outside – no curriculums needed, although you may like some sources for verses, Mother Goose rhymes and songs.  I did do a review of one Kindergarten source here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/13/a-review-kindergarten-with-your-three-to-six-year-old-by-donna-simmons/

So here comes five!

Five can be such  an odd age.  It is the age that is considered a “golden” age by traditional perspectives, but many mothers of five-year-olds tell me they are pulling their hair out over their child’s behavior.  I think this is mainly because some five-year-olds are still in the four-year-old “out of bounds” stage, and some five-year-olds are beginning that six and seven-year transformation.  Here are some back posts about the five-year-old in general if you need some developmental help: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/02/10/the-fabulous-five-year-old/ 

Here is what I think a five-year-old should be working on with Waldorf In The Home:

RHYTHM!  Here is a lovely article detailing a rhythm in a Waldorf Kindergarten by Ruth Ker:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/blessingker.pdf

Meal times.  Think unhurried, unrushed, singing, having your child help with preparation and clean-up.  Use your meal time now to  work on things to develop their movement – kneading bread, using a rolling pin, sweeping the kitchen floor, scrubbing a countertop, etc.

Rest Times.  I honestly don’t know many five year olds who still nap, and that is a shame.  If your child is not a  “napper” at this age, you can still have a quiet time each day.  Your child  may not be able to do this well  on his or her own (although some will happily play with a play scenario you have set up), but this may be a time to read a story, a time to tell a story, a time to sing soft songs whilst massaging their hands or feet, and just dim the lights and be together and rock in the rocking chair for a bit.  You may also catch some down time for yourself at this time or during outside time if your child gets engaged.

Bath times.  Singing, finger plays and toe plays, gentle rub downs with the towel (those textures again).

Outside time.  Being outside is of extreme importance and to provide opportunities for physical movement outside.  If your child is a reluctant woodsperson, try the following posts:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/25/nature-day-number-8-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/  and this one:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/24/connecting-your-children-to-nature/

I think really three hours a day outside is not too much, and you could do more.  It is important.  Some homeschooling mothers arrange to hold almost their entire school day

Participation in household life.  Your very gesture is so important, it should not be you rushing around trying to get the whole house clean in one day!  It really  is about  taking each article of laundry and smoothing it out, folding it tenderly, putting it in the pile to be put away with love for your family. What is important is not only that the child sees the work being done, but imitates that gesture of love and care.  That extends into caring for plants and animals, this is the very first “environmental education” that a child gets with you, right at home.

To this we add the thought that physical work is very important, not only outside, but inside as well.  Can your wee one help you wash lettuce?  Peel carrots?  Peel an apple? Grind wheat? Knead bread?  These experiences are the first form of handwork for the young child.

Music – as mentioned many times, music and rhymes and verses should take precedence at this point over any written word. 

Inner Work/Personal Parenting Development:  The most spiritually mature people should be the ones coming into contact with the youngest children.  This is a very important time for your own work and  development.  If you are anxious, practice being calm.  If you are impatient, practice being patient.  If you talk in a stream of conscious way, practice being silent.  This is a time to develop your spiritual and religious beliefs.  It is a time to become more aware of the things unseen. 

We continue to  work on building up the first four of the twelve senses:

The Sense of Touch: Holding, cuddling, taking baths together, swimming, piggy back rides, games that involve holding hands and singing, wrestling and roughhousing, tickling games if your child likes that, rolling around on the floor together,  being outside in nature, natural materials to touch and play with and wear

The Sense of Life:  RHYTHM, humor and joy!

The Sense of Movement:  crawling, any sustained movement over time such as learning to ride a bike or swim,

The Sense of Balance: RHYTHM again, swinging, rolling, and now working toward more complex gross motor skills – riding a bike, trying the monkey bars and climbing structures,   skipping

If you need to know realistic expectations for a five-year-old, please see here: 

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/29/more-realistic-expectations-day-number-ten-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

PLAY.  In the imitative phase of the first seven year cycle, your child may very well need some help from you in play without a group around to carry it.  You can see the back posts on fostering creative play and the progression of play by age and suggested toys.

People ask about play dates for this age.  I think play dates need to be structured with the adults doing something that requires taking turns and modeling the behavior you would like to see, and then moving into free play with the adults really in tune as to what is going on with the children (not off chatting in a corner ignoring the children).    I think play dates should be kept short.  If you would like to see more about social experiences, here is a post about the four-year-old I like:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/09/more-about-social-experiences-for-the-four-year-old/  I think much in this post holds true for the five-year-old.  Five-year-old boys also may really not be ready for group situations until they around are seven years old.

Preparation for Festivals. This is a great time to help children participate by DOING, not explaining in words.  There are lots of posts on this blog about individual festivals. 

Art/Creative Experiences

• Painting -  Some five year olds may do well doing wet on wet watercolor painting  and some may have much difficulty in this  area.  I personally like the idea of starting wet on wet painting during the six-year old kindergarten year, as something special and new for that final year of kindergarten.  Wet on wet painting, to me, should have a very quiet, contemplative and meditative quality. 
• Coloring with crayons  — you can see this book about Drawing with your child here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/04/04/drawing-with-your-four-to-eleven-year-old/  And here is an article about block or stick crayons in the Kindergarten from the “Gateways” Journal:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW3606.pdf
• Carding wool – can be a hit as it is repetitive sensory movement.  You can buy fleece to wash and dry and card it with little dog brushes.  This is great.   You could also consider dyeing with plants…here is an article from the “Gateways” journal here:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW57grant.pdf
• Sanding wood might be good as well.  Any thoughts?
• Modeling – I like the idea of modeling with sand, salt dough, snow, kneading bread.  I would save  beeswax modeling  for the six-year-old children myself.  Again, this differs from Waldorf school.
• Sewing – I disagree strongly with the kindergarten aged child using a needle to penetrate cloth.  I  know that is not especially popular opinion right now, but oh well.    
• Wet felting is a fun activity for five year olds.
• Finger knitting – can try with the OLDER  five and six year old.  
• Other Arts and Crafts – some can be successful, especially in preparation for a festival, but I think for the  most part recommendations in books such as “Earthways” the age range is always put lower than what I would put it.  Why be in such a rush to do all this? Six, seven and eight are still good ages for crafts.

Storytelling and Puppetry – If you have not had a time where you light a candle and tell a story, now is the time to begin.  Pick a story, memorize it, and tell it at least three days a week for two weeks to a month. 

Here is where you can start bringing in some traditional fairy tales.  See here for a list of recommended fairy tales by age, but pick one that that resonates with you: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/20/fairy-tales-books-and-storytelling-with-the-little-ones/  and here:   http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/20/the-importance-of-fairy-tales/

You could also make your five year old year your Nature Tales year (there are many on www.mainlesson.com ) and then bring in more fairy tales in your true Kindergarten year (your six year old year).  And don’t be afraid to repeat stories from year to year – your children will ask for them!  That repetition is wonderful!

My other thought is to create those stories to address challenging behavior.  There are several examples here in this article from the “Gateways” Journal:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW55brooks.pdf

Circle Time is the heart of the Waldorf Kindergarten, but can be a complete flop at home.  I love the book “Movement Journeys and Circle Adventures” (see this post for the review: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/29/favorite-waldorf-resource-5-three-resources-to-help-you-get-more-movement-into-your-homeschool/ ), but at home it can really flop.  Still, I think it is worth a try if you can convince your five-year-old to “teach” your younger child, LOL.  Still stick to the verses and songs you have in daily life, and add seasonal finger plays and seasonal songs.

Hope this helps you as you plan.  Please do take what resonates with you.

What concerns or challenges are you facing with your five-year-old?  Please do feel free to leave a comment below. 

Many blessings,

Carrie

Having patience is an important part of loving our families.  I think there are  two very concrete ways you can put patience into action in your marriage and in your parenting:

1.  Practice listening without interrupting, judging or being defensive.  How many times do we cut off our children, or our spouse when they are upset, to promote our own point of view, or our own judgment?

2.  Many women tend to “verbally spill” a cascade of words when they are upset.  It is very difficult to have self-control of one’s words, but well-worth the attempt. Can we just be silent  but warm and loving during times when the children are falling apart?  Can we just be there without verbally (please excuse the term) “throwing up” on family members with our own anger and frustration?    

I think especially in this age where people seem to say whatever they are thinking (uh, in multiple forums such as in person, in email, on Facebook, Twitter), and many times with language that is less than appropriate, it is important to show children that we can stop, we can think, we can deliberate, we can decide and then we can speak. 

Here are some other ways I am thinking about patience today:

Patience does not mean being a doormat and doing nothing, that is being the jellyfish of Barbara Coloroso’s “Kids Are Worth It!” book, right? However, patience does mean being calm enough to do the right thing!  This post talks a bit about that:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/11/14/how-not-to-be-the-angry-parent/

Patience is knowing that children take time to develop, and whilst you guide the behavior during development, split-second guidance in a rough way in the heat of the moment is not modeling patience or how to deal with life’s upsets.  De-escalate the situation,  guide, go about what you need to do, but show that deliberation.

As the Internet expands, I find we take things more and more at face value in terms of “experts.”  Anyone can put a website up and say they are a parenting expert or a Waldorf expert or whatever.  Perhaps part of patience involves not jumping into believing what someone says right off the bat, about thinking about what is right for one’s own family and then being able to distill what information works best for one’s situation and beliefs.

I was thinking about patience as a part of having a relationship with friends who may not exactly share our same beliefs  but are still people we enjoy and want to spend time with.  Why should we all be the same?  Many Waldorf homeschoolers complain that they have no friends who homeschool like them, but my question is can we look beyond Waldorf to the fact that we are all homeschooling?  Can we look beyond homeschooling to see that many parents are thoughtful and caring and trying to do their best even if they choose not to homeschool? 

In the area of faith and spirituality, I know many people of one faith who have no friends of any other faith.  A faithful and spiritual life can become very insulated without that.  Do you have the patience to develop long-term friendships with people outside of your spiritual beliefs?

Do you have patience with yourself?  Do you forgive yourself for not being perfect and for not being able to do it all?  This is not an excuse for doing nothing, you know my mantra about planning, planning, planning and doing, but mothers tend to be so very hard on themselves.  I have a friend I always say to, “Isn’t it amazing when a child is going through challenging behavioral stages, we always look to ourselves and what we are doing wrong but when a child is having a smooth stage and behaving the way we would expect, we don’t look back to ourselves at all?”

Happy meditating on patience today!

Many blessings,

Carrie

• It is exhausting to change a baby’s diaper when they hate it and are crawling away (or when they are a toddler, running away!)
• It is exhausting to chase your toddler down the street because they left the park.   Again.  With a baby on your hip and an older child racing beside you.
• It is exhausting when you have literally saved your toddler from death about fifty times in one day despite the fact you have “child-proofed” everything in sight.

Just plain tiring.  Nursing, rocking, holding, co sleeping, co bathing, chasing, playing, feeding and starting all over again and again all night and all day.

So here are my Top Secret Super Survival Tips!  (Eh, not so top secret, but doesn’t that sound fun??!)

• Keep it simple.  Toddlers do not need a lot of excursions, play dates and trips to the store.  Try to run errands later or have someone else do it; if there is one place you go that is repeatedly a problem, for example, a certain park or a store parking lot, then by all means skip going there for awhile.  Only time can add maturity.  It is that simple.  Running away and being chased is just plain fun, and that behavior really can persist until they are five years of age or so.  It is hard to leave when you are having a good time!  Same thing with places with  too many overwhelming choices; I was at the library the other day where a little boy (older toddler, probably close to three)  was just sobbing because his poor Mommy wanted him to choose books and he was completely and utterly overwhelmed!  He probably  would have been happier if she had just stopped at the library herself and brought the books home and snuggled with him.   Trying to be quiet AND not run AND pick books out of what probably looked like MILLIONS of books to him really was not working for this little guy. So I guess what I am saying is, please don’t expect too much too soon! 
• Understand toddler behavior and developmental ages.  There are so many posts on this blog about each age I can’t even count anymore!  Check them out; there is also a whole listing of baby/toddler posts under the Baby/Toddler header.
• Have a set of tools for dealing with common toddler behaviors.  See here; this one covers running away in public places and face slapping and other fun behaviors (but also look for an upcoming post): http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/06/11/common-toddler-challenges-and-how-to-solve-them/
• Structure the environment; your older baby/ toddler pretty much does need to be with you and under your eye at all times.  Don’t be afraid to put up a gate to block off where your little one needs to be.
• Continue nursing if you can.  Nursing is a great toddler tool.  “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” is a classic La Leche League book about the nursing toddler; and many  La Leche League groups have Toddler Meetings.  That is a great place to go and get support because everyone is going through what you are going through!  See this link to find a group in your area: www.lalecheleague.org
• Continue to cultivate use of a sling if your little one will still ride in a backpack.  That really does help during preparation of food and such.  If this child is two or so, they may enjoy helping out with simple chores and running little errands for you around the house (like putting something in the trash, or wiping up a little spill).  They do want to please you, you are not on opposing teams here!
• Stay away from negative people who tell you that your older baby or toddler is “manipulating” you or “defying” you.  I know this sounds really harsh, and I am sorry, but these people are unfortunately generally  uninformed regarding the development of the brain, childhood psychology and childhood development and just seem to lack a good sense of humor about children to boot!    Please see this post for help: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/16/a-few-fast-words-regarding-defiance-in-children-under-the-age-of-6/
• Ask for what you need and get help.  Fathers are parents too!
• Get outside every day.  Babies can crawl on the ground, it really is okay.  Toddlers can toddle.  Good times for all!
• Work hard on rest, sleep and meal times.  These basic things are very important for small children. There are posts under the Baby/Toddler header regarding sleep.
• Don’t be afraid to take naps and go to bed when your toddler goes to bed.  This is a short period and it is okay to do that!
• Stay positive, sing and sing and have finger plays and Mother Goose rhymes at the ready.  Distraction is your number one tool!
• Here is a post that addressed burn-out and some other intensive mothering issues:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/21/day-number-five-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

The last major tip I have is to think of these Early Years in this way:   most of us are in at least our fourth or fifth seven year cycle of life (look at those back posts on the Tapestries book, it was very interesting!), and these little ones are only in the beginning of their first.  It is very hard for us in general to enter this consciousness of the toddler.  Many times we give it way too much adult weight!  It takes a lot of practice, and  the more you can think humor and play and love, the less stressful the toddler years become! 

With joy,

Carrie