I think how we deal with conflict comes down to two main things:  how we set boundaries and how we communicate.

I am sure secondary influences have to do with our own temperaments and our own patterns, and also what is impacting us in terms of stressful events in our lives outside of the conflict event. So, tell me, what is going on with you? Have you had a physical examination by a physician or other health care provider recently, how are your hormone levels, are you getting enough sleep? Who supports you in real life? Do you have any support? What patterns are you setting?

Those are important things, but we must also address boundaries and communication.  I want to make it clear that you can still choose to be calm and steady, even under stressful circumstances, should you choose and should you practice the tools to do this!

I am suggesting in parenting you pay special attention to boundaries because many mothers ask a child ten times to do or not do something and then they BLOW UP because the child still has not done what they asked. But many times the blow -up occurs because the mother was wishy- washy about the boundary, did not set the boundary but secretly wished it was set, or finally did set the boundary but didn’t follow through on the action part helping the child meet the boundary.  (The other piece that is connected to this is developmental capability, and many parents are expecting too much or not enough, but that is a topic for our next post!)

What many mothers that I speak with tell me is that they have a very hard time setting boundaries with ANYONE.  They say yes to everything, even when they want to say no. They don’t guard their time and then they feel overwhelmed.  They cannot come up with the words to say, “I want to listen to you but I cannot hear you when you speak to me that way” or “No, I cannot do that right now.  My schedule is full.”  or “Everyone in the family will help because we all live here.”  Those are all boundaries.  A mother will have difficulties setting the tone for their home and for their children if they can only say,  “Well, okay…..” to whatever someone within or outside the home suggests or wants or says. I am not suggesting a dictatorship run by mother by any means, but I am suggesting looking at your family’s values and aligning your words, your  time and your energy with that.  We can think what we want to think but without action, it all becomes rather meaningless and empty.  The thoughts count, but the words and the actions are what drives the family and creates the tone.

If you are searching for back posts about boundaries, here is a small sampling of posts:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/09/05/helping-a-child-learn-to-rule-over-himself/

and this one:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/02/16/step-up-and-be-the-parent/

This one: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/15/gentle-discipline-connection-plus-boundaries/

And these two really hot button posts on authority and claiming authority in your home:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/02/re-claiming-authority-part-one/  and this one:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/12/05/re-claiming-authority-part-two/

Words are one form of communication in how we set boundaries. We also have wordless ways to communicate our boundaries, even if our words are saying something different than our gesture.  Small children need more physical follow-through and less direct commands.  Physically helping a small child put their arm into their coat whilst singing the song you always sing when it is time to go outside, for example, is a way of communicating a boundary and secure sense of how things are done in your family.

Words need to be kind, and not sarcastic.   Here is a classic post about the language we use and how it affects children:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/05/23/changing-our-parenting-language/

Think strongly about what boundaries your children need in order to grow up to be healthy adults.  Think about what boundaries you need so you are a healthy adult for them to model.  Follow through, keep calm and carry on!

Blessings,
Carrie

Today I am kicking off a week of posts regarding the topic of “Pondering” over at the Homespun Waldorf Winter Carnival.  Here is the link so you can check out my post and the forum:  http://homespunwaldorf.com/wordpress/2012/02/ponder-a-vision-for-your-family/

I like the Homespun Waldorf forum; it is run by mothers who are veteran Waldorf homeschoolers.  I enjoy that this forum is not connected to any particular curriculum, so mothers write very honest reviews of books and curricula and how it worked for their family.  There are also great threads on homemaking, and how mothers combine Waldorf with other methods.

Come join us to brighten up your winter days!

Many blessings,
Carrie

I have always loved this idea that the concept of gratitude is planted within the first seven years of life as this seed that later grows into how we love people and the world, and then how we have a duty toward people and the world  as an outgrowth of gratitude and love.  That, to me, is one of the true pathways and one of the ultimate goals of education and parenting inspired by Rudolf Steiner.

Gratitude is embedded in the way one looks at the world. It colors what words we choose to use with our spouses and partners, with our extended family, with our friends and with our children.  Some of my long-term readers may remember this post:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/08/19/using-our-words-like-pearls/

It also colors our deeds and actions.  How do we show our gratitude to the world – whether this is my small corner of the world in my home or the whole world?

If we model gratitude, then our children learn gratitude. If we are never satisfied, never content, never happy, nothing is ever right, then our children learn to crave more and more.  If they see the love we have for all of humanity, then they will learn that gracious love.

Today is Candlemas, a beautiful day of light in the church.  May we all carry the light of gratitude within us, and shine this light for our children. Let us show and teach our children how to be content in all circumstances and  how to place others before themselves.

Grateful for all of you tonight,

Carrie

And make us ever mindful of Thy many blessings

Amen

(Blessing from my husband’s side of the family)

Father, we thank Thee for this food before us

Give us strength to do Thy will

Guide and protect us in Thy heavenly path

For Christ’s sake

Amen

(Blessing from my side of the family)

Mealtimes are a vital place to slow down, to bring together different traditions from your side of the family and your partner’s side of the family, to protect and nurture and linger together.

Studies show interesting connections between children’s behavior and whether or not they ate family meals.  Many studies show, for example, decreased rates  of childhood drug use and depression and  better school performance in families who have consistent meals together.  This was an interesting link that gathered much of the research on family meals together (the part about the effect of family meals on children of alcoholics who were now adults was especially  interesting!):  http://nutrition.wsu.edu/ebet/background.html.  See also this link: http://parenting.families.com/blog/why-families-should-eat-dinner-together

Some say as the children grow older, a big obstacle is outside activities scheduled at dinner time.  I often wonder if this happens in countries outside the United States; if you are one of my overseas readers please do feel free to leave a comment below!  I  really do understand!  My oldest child is busy in rhythmic gymnastics several days a week around dinnertime. However,  even with her gymnastics schedule, eating meals together is a priority. Every day.  I truly think it can be done if it is a priority of the whole family.

Eating whole foods is also a top priority.  Some mothers are so fabulous with culturing their own foods, grinding wheat or other grains to make their own bread, and cooking from scratch. Other mothers are just starting their journey into healthy, whole food eating, and I applaud them.  We are all on this journey, and some of us really did grow up without family meals or without meals made from scratch, so this is new territory.

If the idea of eating from scratch daily is new to you, or if  you are just headed into menu and meal planning, try this back post for some help:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/08/january-focus-on-the-home-meal-planning/

I really enjoyed Season of Joy’s post regarding eating whole foods on a budget (for a family of eight!).  You can read that post here:  http://ourseasonsofjoy.com/musings/whole-foods-journey-when-the-questions-change/

Besides the complexities of cooking, eating and sharing a meal with small children can be challenging.  Some mothers have told me this post was helpful to them regarding age by age expectations surrounding mealtimes:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/17/back-to-basics-realistic-expectations-for-mealtimes/

As children grow, mealtimes become a way to teach children manners and proper eating. Show your children how to pass the bowl of vegetables, how to create conversation during a meal.   Rightly done, mealtimes involve children in the preparation of healthy food and cleaning up from a meal.  There is so much more to mealtimes than just eating!

I love this quote from Kim John Payne’s book “Simplicity Parenting”:  “The family dinner is more than a meal.  Coming together, committing to a shared time and experience, exchanging conversation, food and attention…all of these add up to more than full bellies.  The nourishment is exponential.  Family stories, cultural markers, and information about how we live are passed around with the peas.  The process is more than the meal:  It is what comes before and after.  It is the reverence paid.  The process is also more important than the particulars.  Not only is it more forgiving, but also, like any rhythm, it gets better with practice.”

My plea is for all of you to plan healthy meals, to involve your children in growing food, shopping for food,and celebrating together as a family at every mealtime.

Much love and many blessings,

Carrie

Work! –  Many of you who have been reading this blog for quite some time know how frequently I have discussed the need for children to work around the home.  Ideally, this starts with the child of the ages birth through age seven  imitating YOUR work in the home and weaving in and out of that work to graduating to assigned responsibility within the home.  I have poised the question on this blog in the past about “if your child wasn’t home, what work would not be getting done?”

In one of the rhythm posts in this series we also talked about how inevitably homeschool burnout can be tied to feeling overwhelmed by our homes!  Mother is not there to be a servant to all on top of homeschooling; the whole family lives in the house and therefore the whole family helps nurture the home. Working as a family in the home is every as bit as valuable as team sports in learning how to work together as a team.

Play –  Play is the foundation and bedrock of the Early Years, ages birth through seven, and is also the heart of middle childhood in the grades, ages seven to fourteen.

The lack of self –directed play amongst children today is startling, as is the inability of many children to initiate and play simple games in a group of children.  I feel this phenomenon, in part, can be traced to the advent of having to arrange “play-dates” for children to play, along with the creeping of classes and lessons for the ever-younger ages.  I think too, with the lack of very large families and extended family around, there is less of an opportunity at home and in the neighborhood to even learn how to play by watching older siblings or cousins at play.

It is daunting, isn’t it? Yet, the primary task of us as parents and educators for our children is to get our children in their bodies and play is the number one way to do this!  Please do get your children outside in nature, let them be bored and discover genius in their boredom, let them dream and discover waiting.  I love this quote from Kim John Payne’s book, “Simplicity Parenting”:

“Here is the world!” we seem to offer as we drive our children from one activity to the next.  Rather than creating excitement, overloading a child’s schedule creates high expectations.  “What’s the next great thing” they ask in return.  If we pull back on scheduling, a child can see something coming up; they can literally “look forward” to it.  This allows anticipating to build.  And anticipation is more than a simple pleasure.  It is identity building.”

“Simplicity Parenting” has a number of good suggestions for dealing with outside activities, including using consecutive quiet  and “ordinary” days to balance out busy days, creating “Sabbath” moments by day and by week, scheduling lighter and heavier seasons throughout the year. I think any step  a family can take toward reducing outside pressure for children under the age of 12 is really positive, especially for  younger children who are in school and who are gone from their homes all day long.  A balance to outside activities so free play, dreaming, waiting and anticipation can begin is so vital.

Here are a few oldie but goodie posts on the specifics of fostering play for the Early Years group:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/29/more-about-fostering-creative-play/

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/10/05/fostering-creative-play/

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2008/11/24/connecting-your-children-to-nature/

At this time of year, many homeschooling families are starting to think about and plan for the next school year already….let your evaluation of outside activities and the amount of chores, work, responsibility and time to play be part of this evaluation.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling inspired to make some changes!

Much love and many blessings,
Carrie

Vestibular – exercises are recommended around three types of stimulation:  horizontal movement around a vertical plans, such as spinning and rolling; vertical movement around a horizontal plane such as swings and see saws, along with cartwheels and handstands; and tilting and rebound kinds of movement such as trampolines, wobble boards. Position whilst doing these activities also counts – whether they are performed lying down, sitting, crawling, walking, kneeling.

For the Baby -  “When awake and physically separated from its mother, the baby’s next natural playground is the floor.  It is from the ground that a child can learn to develop muscle tone as an opposing force to gravity.”  The author points out that infants should experience both passive movement through being carried in a sling or carrier and active movement on the floor.  The baby should always lead.  Suggestions in this part of the chapter included gentle vestibular stimulation, developing monocular vision by breastfeeding or changing sides when bottle feeding, play on the tummy and the back as well and social play with the mother. Swimming, singing and talking and less use of baby equipment is also mentioned.

“The mother provides the child with his first mirror on the world and research indicates that this primal relationship plays an important part in developing connections to centres in the brain that will be involved in regulation of emotions and impulses later in life.  It is important that motherhood is valued in a rapidly-changing society.”

Touch – massage, games such as “This Little Piggy Went To Market”, patting, and time spent on the back are important components of touch.  For older children, playing eyes with the eyes closed and touch  can stimulate this sense as well – the child has his or her eyes closed, you touch  an arm or leg and the child tries to touch exactly where you touched.

Sound – Hum, dance, sing, gently tap or rock to a beat, sing familiar tunes but put in words about what you all are doing, tell simple stories.

There are 21 exercises in this chapter that are illustrated for the use of the parents as done through a story with movement activities (geared toward ages 3 and a half to 6 years of age).

This has been an interesting book to look at chapter by chapter!

Hope you enjoyed it.

Many blessings,

Carrie

Small children take in sense impressions all day long, without any kind of filter on those impressions.  They also tend to go “full force” in their work and play without a good ability to balance these inward and outward forces.  And lastly, small children under the age of 9 really have a difficult time balancing their excesses of emotion, of bringing their emotional and feeling life being into balance.  Rhythm is strength for them, and for the brief reasons mentioned above,  sleep and rest are vitally important for small children.

One thing that forms the basis of health is stillness.  Stillness is the basis for nearly all spiritual traditions around the world.  In my own tradition of Christianity, the Early Church Fathers discussed stillness, prayer, love, and self-control.  Stillness is also the basis for wonder and awe which leads to a sense of goodness in the small child, this idea that the world is a good place, which is a foundation of health.  When we have consistent sleep and rest times for the whole family, I think we convey to children that being still is valued.  That resting is okay.  That having an unhurried pace is okay.

In this age of information overload and the “need” to respond to things “right now, hurry, hurry and respond and don’t think first” I think  through rest and sleep we are giving our children the foundation to be able to say as adults, “That is interesting.  Please let me think about it and I will respond to you in a bit.”  We are giving our children the ability to find the stillness to connect with themselves, with the natural world and with the spiritual world.  We are giving them the tools for health.

Rest –   I was thinking today about how adults also use meditation and prayer as a form of resting connection, and how children really use rest to rejuvenate themselves as well. Children can also start to learn the fundamental basics of resting in prayer and other spiritual practices as according to their family culture as a form of health.

In rest, we also think of the physical act of resting.  A consistent napping schedule is important for small children (and adults enjoy this as well if they let themselves rest!).

I have often observed two main transition points for naps:

• Going from two naps that normally end up beginning around 10 AM and 2PM to one nap that usually then starts around 12 or 1. An interesting observation I have had over the years is that children who are having challenges around bedtime often have a nap that is scheduled to end too late. Once children become older toddlers, they may fight going down for a nap to a certain extent, even if you have had a wonderfully consistent routine. In those cases, I often just tried to make a dim place with a comfortable nest and told a very slow, repetitive story and to remain as neutral as possible. Having something repetitive to do with one’s hands can often be helpful in these situations.

• The other transition point I have seen is when the nap is dropped and we move into holding a quiet time after lunch.  This is something the whole family can hold, including mother sitting down and resting as well.  If you are homeschooling, this is truly important.

We have had many discussions on this blog about rest, quiet times, naps.  Here are a few of my favorite back posts on this subject:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/10/05/cultivating-stillness-and-silence/

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/23/more-about-quiet-time/

Sleep is important, and to me, intricately tied to warmth.  Does the child feel emotionally embraced and warm?  Physically warm?  There is something so vulnerable about drifting off to sleep, and I think some children are more sensitive than other in regards to letting that happen.

The other thing I often think about with sleep besides rhythm and when wake-up and nap times are includes physical exertion and being outside, but for children ages 7 and up, also the permeation of artistic activity into the day. There is some discussion of this artistic activity and how this relates to sleep in the lectures compiled in the book “A Modern Art of Education” by Rudolf Steiner.

Here are some ideas about  babies and sleep:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/03/the-peaceful-baby-in-march-sleep-part-one/   and this one:    http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/03/04/the-peaceful-baby-in-march-sleep-part-two/

And this is a pretty comprehensive look at how to handle bedtime struggles:   http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/05/29/struggling-at-bedtime/

Many physicians tie the liver into sleep challenges.  Here is an article by physician Susan Johnson on this subject:   http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/GW4003.pdf

There is also an interesting article by Waldorf Educator Arthur Auer here regarding sleep and its importance to education:  http://www.waldorflibrary.org/Journal_Articles/RB1401.pdf

Much love to all, and peaceful rest,

Carrie

This is often what can make or break homeschooling. It can also make or break how peaceful a mother feels…(not that one cannot have a wonderfully clean home and still have a whole bunch of sadness or tension in it!)  However,  I think in general, if mama is completely stressed and overwhelmed by her environment, and has to homeschool on top of total care of the home with no one helping in the form of the family working together, then mama may burn out.  If life cannot be brought under some bit of control in order to not have the Mount Rushmore of Laundry, things clean, the environment uncluttered to the point where mama does not feel nuts….then homeschool is that much harder to get done.

At least that’s how it is in my home.  And I think this is how many women function.  We all know people before things, but at the same time, if one is home all day long and every flat surface is piled high with things, every drawer and closet is bursting, the laundry and dishes are piled up…..

It just doesn’t feel good.

So, my thoughts are these:

1.  You must be home enough to also include getting your housework done.

2.  Mama should not have to do everything by herself, unless of course you have only very tiny children in the home that are working with you but obviously cannot complete tasks..

3.  Children learn how to work together as a team not only in team sports, but also and mainly I think  in the home. Chores are an important part of family life!  We all live here and we all help!

4. Less stuff equals less to do.

5.  A rhythm for housecleaning, errands, cooking, etc. is essential or no one in the family will know what needs to be done when.

I have written quite a bit about chores before; my favorite back posts on chores include this one:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/08/15/more-regarding-children-and-chores-in-the-waldorf-home/  and this one, written when my third child was very little:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/12/08/children-chores-housecleaning-and-homeschooling/

I recently sat down and made a giant master list of every possible chore with the help of the book “Managers of Their Chores” by the Maxwells.  It is a Christian resource and will not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it helped me immensely to organize my thoughts around chores .  On my master list (the book I mentioned includes a master list to start from),  I included seasonal chores, occasional chores – everything I could think of. I also checked in Martha Stewart’s housekeeping book to see what care was recommended regarding certain items and seasonal cleaning.  Most of that information is also available for free on her website (but I do like the book form).

Once I reviewed my master list,  I started to think about what the children could do, what I could do realistically, what my spouse normally does.   I decided to work on getting my children to do chores mainly in the morning where I could be around to not only do the chores with the children and show them exactly how I want it done at first, but then to be available to check on the chore when it is done so we can talk about it, problem solve together, etc.  I think we all have this vision in our heads of just sending our children off to do X chore, but the reality is we have to be there to demonstrate, to  check in with and then to see that the chore is completed for children who are younger.  The independence grows in time.

Children under seven should be weaving in and out of work through imitation of what you are doing to work in your home with parts of the chores accessible for small children.  Children in the grades can and should start doing chores with you step by step,  and then work on completing the chores independently after they know how to do it.  You can then be there to check to see if the chore is completed.  With multiple children, I find having a specific time to check on chores is  a necessity as I cannot send everyone off to the wind to do different chores at different times and be so busy myself I don’t check to see if the chore was started, completed or how it was completed.  That is why mornings are best for me to schedule the majority of chores.

Everyone always asks where to start.  I think getting dressed, brushing hair, brushing teeth, folding pajamas and putting them away and making beds are a good place to start.  Chores around mealtimes also are good places to start since everyone is working to put food on the table and clean up.  My children enjoy outside chores, cooking, vacuuming and taking care of our dog as well.  Start small, think of the steps it takes to complete a task well, demonstrate it, do it with your child, supervise your child, then have them work  independently and check in with them.    Slow and steady wins the race!

Please feel free to leave a comment or link detailing the ages of your children and what chores they are responsible for around the home.

Many blessings,

Carrie

We have looked at the beginnings of establishing a rhythm by starting with ourselves.  The other pieces of rhythm include a rhythm for the people and pets/livestock in your family, and then a rhythm of the care of the things in your home and environment.

I think the major piece of looking at rhythm for your family means pondering two important things:

1.  Discerning the essential – does your rhythm reflect the values you hold for your family?  And, if your rhythm does not reflect this for whatever reason right now but those values are still what you hold dear, how will you get there?

and -

2. Balance.  If  you craft a rhythm based on your day and week and find, for example, that everything is geared toward your oldest child, then having your rhythm written down becomes a system of checks and balances; a starting point for change.  Remember, there are all the children’s needs, the needs of the single adult or the need of the adult couple as well or the need of the extended family members in the home as well, along with pets, etc.  All have needs.

Throughout the years, I have chosen different ways to keep track of rhythm.  Sometimes I just wrote a list on the computer or in a day planner; one year I used mainly a paper teacher’s planner; lately I have taken to making a table for each day of the week in Microsoft Word where I could write a note beside each activity.  For example, for today, my little notes looked a bit like this:

This is so individual to me and to us that I am not sure it will be very helpful to everyone else out there but some mothers really wanted to see an example.  This table certainly doesn’t include many of the things I do for inner work or what happens at night,exercise time, etc…but those things are fairly well integrated into my life at this point… I wanted to show something simple. For us, each day of the week looks a bit different as well depending upon if we have activities outside the home.

Many mothers, especially those of you with really tiny children, have shared your rhythm on your blogs.  If you have a blog entry regarding your family’s rhythm, please leave the link in the comment box below as I know mothers trying to get something down on paper would love more examples…

My only caution is:  rhythm is specific to your family and your family’s values and life. Therefore, please don’t spend TOO much time looking.  Get out your piece of paper and write down a flow to your day. Live with it, tweak it, change it, but start.

Next up :  crafting a rhythm for caring for your things…and talk about chores…

Many blessings,

Carrie

Today we are looking at YOU.  Many mothers tell me they have a really hard time with rhythm, starting with sleep and what time they get up.

In order to get up and set the tone for your family, you must go to bed.  That, of course, is not nearly as simple as it seems sometimes.  Sometimes at night we are just thrilled to garner some time alone, or some time with a spouse if we are married and then we are up rather late on top of being up all night with:  the child who had a nightmare and can’t go back to sleep/the toddler who is restless/the baby who still wakes up.  Then, we find it hard to get up, we get up and jump into everything since the children are awake and running around, but then we do not get to take a shower or put ourselves “ together”  first.

Yup, been there and done that.  There is an interesting post on the value of getting up here:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2011/01/when-i-.html

Going to bed is the best insurance we have in case someone will be up all night.  Getting up and then getting into the shower first thing, unless we make it part of our rhythm to take a bath or shower at night,  is also important. Our self-care has to come in somewhere, (and for right now I am talking about plain and simple physical self-care), and I think especially if you have multiple children or older children, it is easiest to take some care of yourself first.  If you have a different experience, please leave it in the comment box below!  I would love to hear everyone’s perspective!

So, here is just a list of free-flowing questions to help you think:

When do you go bed?  What time do you need to go to bed?

What time do you get up in the morning?  What is happening at that time and has your family already left the gate without you?

When is the time for your self-care?  What do you do for your self-care?  How do you take care of your skin, your hair, your teeth?

When do you exercise?

When do you go to buy clothes?  There is a saying that bras really shouldn’t see a birthday, that they need frequent replacing, and this made me think of how many mothers out there are still wearing old bras, underwear that is old, and they never buy clothes for themselves either due to finances or it is just so hard to take multiple children with them to  buy clothes.

When, in the course, of a month or a quarter of a month, do you schedule in your own dentist, doctor, hair appointments?   I see mothers who rarely, if ever, have these kinds of appointments.

And here are some thoughts of “the variables”:

How does the co-sleeping baby/toddler/child impact getting up?  What is your attitude about the early riser in the home and how do you handle this?  This season is not forever!  Melisa Nielsen compiled some of her thoughts on this subject in relation to a discussion regarding this on her yahoo group here:  http://waldorfjourney.typepad.com/a_journey_through_waldorf/2011/01/i-want-to-get-up-but-my-kids-are-early-risers.html

How could other family members help you if there are other adults present in the home?

If you are a homeschooling family, who can help you with your children during the day so you could attend a doctor’s appointment or a dentist appointment?

I would LOVE to hear what you are doing for your skin care, exercising, how you juggle any appointments you need in the comment box below..

Please, please make it a priority to take care of yourself…again, this is just the outer part of you, I am not talking so much about personal development, inner work, rhythms of prayer here…but I feel sometimes if we get the outer part ordered, then the inner part can come…

Lastly, here is a back post for you about self-care which also addressed this theme: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2011/10/18/the-sacred-art-of-self-care/

Many blessings,

Carrie