Have you ever considered how marriage is like the best weaving project?

It is an interweaving of experiences:

• All the shared experiences, joyous and sorrowful
• Family rituals, celebrations, family meals, travel experiences
• Joyous times with neighbors and friends
• A rhythmical life of faith in the day, the week, the year if that is part of your family life
• Sexual intimacy
• The sharing of dreams, thoughts, opinions, goals, desires
• The sharing of laughter, fun and joy as a couple and as a family; shared goals and values
• The experiences of serving each other and serving the family

And perhaps interwoven into these experiences are the things that make a marriage what it is:

• Two people, each one putting the other person’s welfare and welfare of the entire family,  ahead of themselves
• Loyalty and fidelity to each other and the family
• Faith
• Respect  for one another and being able to work in cooperation with mutual admiration for one another
• Kindness  to each other publicly and privately
• Honesty to each other with open and direct communication
• Integrity
• Attraction to each other physically and emotionally
• Enjoyment of each other – laughter and joy

(And the  notable things that are not woven into the fabric:  things such as sarcasm  toward each other if that is an unwanted way to communicate within your family , being passive-aggressive, being selfish)

How are you weaving your marriage today? What are you weaving in and what are you leaving out to make the weaving even more beautiful?

Live big and  love each other,

Carrie

Those of you who read this blog know how very important I think the state of your marital union is for setting the tone in your home and for the health of your children in their future relationships.  I have written quite a few blog posts on marriage, on challenges in marriage, and once a year I write on my own marriage.  Here is the post from last year, on the 21st anniversary of our first date: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/01/happy-anniversary-to-my-husband/  .  Today is our 18th year wedding anniversary and time for another post!

By the way, I am not certain I  really do have “secrets” about having a good marriage, but I think I have learned some things about marriage, at least about my own marriage,  in these eighteen years.  I am sure you all have your own thoughts on what makes a great marriage, and please feel free to share your ideas in the comment box below!

Here are a few of  our ideas for a happy marriage:

My husband says the biggest secret for him is to “take marriage seriously, but to be able to laugh at yourself and with each other.”  HUMOR and WARMTH are really big in our house from laughing in the middle of a fight to giving each other compliments to just enjoying being together and little jokes.  Humor and warmth are huge. Physical touch is definitely part of this warmth:  hand-holding, back rubs, close space, and yes, intimacy. All of these things are huge.

Faith and praying together really strengthens our marriage.  When my husband knows the children and I are praying for him when he is in a big presentation or meeting, it lifts his spirits and we all feel connected to each other and to our Creator. 

Seeing the best in each other.  We all have faults and flaws, but if we can love each other through that and make allowances for that knowing we are human, then love and forgiveness and striving for more can enter the feeling life of the home.  Respect for each other and respect for even the differences in our opinions makes life flow. 

Working together is what makes our marriage thrive; being able to solve problems together and work toward solutions together   through  good communication and  having a positive attitude (there is that humor and warmth again!).  Part of working together means surrendering the notion that you are always right, that you always know best and being able to make space for ideas that involve both of you.

We have nights were we are engrossed in reading or writing or doing our own thing, but we also  have nights where we are engrossed in being together.   Spending lots of time as a family works well for us as we enjoy being together. 

A happy marriage is the bedrock of a happy family. 

 Much love to you and yours today,

Carrie

Almost every month I write a post on this topic, but it is so important it bears repeating every month!  How are you and your spouse doing?  Are you strong and unified and having fun or are things tense and battle-like?

Here are some questions/ ideas for this month: 

• What is the one little nice thing you do for your spouse each and every day in front of your children?
• When is the time you and your spouse get to sit down and have a conversation?
• How often are you intimate?
• How often do you compliment your spouse?  I have read studies (who does these?) that men need an average of ten compliments a day.  Do you even come close to that?
• How often do you laugh together?
• How is the work around the house shared by both of you?
• How often are you plain in asking your husband what you need?  My husband often says to me, ” Honey, just tell me what you need and I will help you!  Even after almost 18 years of marriage, I can’t read your mind!”  Yep, men are not generally mind-readers!
• What do you and your spouse love to do together?
• What does your family do spiritually together?  Does your husband say a blessing over your meal?  Is there some special way your children see both of you honor spirituality in your home?

I do not think it is necessary to leave your baby or a toddler who has separation anxiety at home whilst you go out to “have time together.”  Your children grow up so quickly, it really is a short time.  Have a date at home after you put the children to bed!  If your children are older and you have trusted family, how about a morning or afternoon date – many times that is much more successful than going out in the  evening until the children are older…

I think the other important thing to consider in the midst of this topic of renewal with your spouse is renewal with yourself!  If you are feeling close to burned out, this is important to consider.

Just a few thoughts tonight.

Many blessings,

Carrie

No one sets off to fall “out of love” with their partner.  Sometimes, though, as careers and finances and parenting and life just settle in all around us, in those spaces and cracks  between us and our partner, we can feel less than loving.  It can be hard to remember back to those first days of being in love with our partner or spouse, how our heart raced, how much we wanted to be with that person every minute, how excited we were to get married and be together!

I think you can recapture this feeling in your marriage or partnership, but all too often mothers put their spouse and their marital relationship dead last on the list of priorities.  Or something that I hear many mothers speak of is this “growing apart” –wanting different ways to relax at the end of the day, different ways to want to spend the precious amount of time one may get alone whilst raising small children, and how to balance spending time as a family, together as a couple and alone….It is challenging to say the least.

I  think “love”, traditionally associated with this month due to St. Valentine’s Day is a good, simple place to start in your most treasured relationship. Love can be a noun, but it also can be a verb.  So in this simple month of February, how can you make this feeling of  love come alive  for your partner in  life?

Sometimes it is the very small things, such as bringing your spouse a glass of water whilst they are working outside on a hot day. Sometimes it is the large things, supporting your partner through work situations or backing your partner up in parenting. 

How else  will love become a verb this month in your own home, in your own reality?  Here are some random thoughts I had:

• Many fathers seem to feel “scheduling” time together is not very  spontaneous (which it is not) or romantic (but it can be!)  When is there time for just you and your spouse?  In the early years of attachment parenting, it is very easy to get caught up in your baby’s and toddler’s needs; it is necessary. But, at the same time, you cannot put your marriage and relationship last on the list for years on end! 
• I don’t think you need to escape from your baby or toddler in order to be together.  Catch those moments together during nap times, have take-out and a movie to play after your little one goes to bed, steal away for intimacy in the middle of the night. Be creative with gathering those bits of time in busy family life, because your marriage is worth it.
• Physical intimacy!   It is so important!
• If you are in different places as far as what you like to do together, see if you can compromise and each get to pick different things to do as a couple.  How often do you just sit and talk about things that don’t involve finances, the house, the children?  That is so valuable to just connect with each other.
• Think about what your spouse hears from you when he walks in the door: does he only hear you upset and complaining or nagging or does he hear how happy you are to see him, how much you missed him today, how much you love him?  Do you ever thank him for the things he does do that you enjoy, that are helpful to you?  Can you be cheerful and tell him the good things that happen during the day as well as the sorrows?
• Do you try to be attractive for yourself and for him as well?  Yes, I know that sounds so old-fashioned, but I think that is part of my job as a wife to be clean and attractive to him.  I also like to try to pick up the house before my husband gets home, so he is not coming home to a sea of chair forts with blankets everywhere.  I try to have a warm dinner ready so we can eat together as a family.  When you have small children, these seemingly basic things can be so challenging in themselves, but I think it is of worth to work on them as your children grow.

For simple February, love really is all you need.  Make it a verb and see what you can do to grow together.  Twenty years from now your children will be gone, and you want to have a loving relationship through all those years and beyond. Simplicity means picking priorities, and this really should be one of them!

Simple times this month,

Carrie

You might be wondering what “joy” has to do with “respect”, but I think that for most men, being respected within their own home leads to joy for them.  Men love to fix problems, they like to be the One Who Saves The World From Destruction, and they like to look good whilst they are doing it!

But here is the rub, right?  Most mothers I know spend much more time reading, researching, speaking with other mothers about parenting, observing children of different ages than Dad, who may be off at work all day.  We want to share what we have learned with Dad, and some of our ideas can be different or strange to him.  So what is Dad’s role in all this and how do we make him feel respected?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, about how some families have a structure where the roles for “work” are fairly rigid (ie, the mother takes care of the house, the father works outside the home) and how some families have more fluid roles between mothers and fathers…..So how do we balance these roles in relation to parenting, homeschooling, and all the while providing our spouse with some joy through respect?  A tall order in many ways!

We are coming up on 18 years of marriage, so I would like to think I have a few things to share on this.

• I think one thing is to have respect for your spouse in front of your children.  Yes, we probably all disagree in front of the children, but I think providing an overall attitude that Dad knows what he is doing is beneficial.  He may do it differently than you, but that doesn’t mean he is wrong.  If you don’t like what he is doing, can you talk about it later not in front of the kids?  If that is possible!
• I think it really is okay to say, “Go ask your father.”  I know that sounds corny, but  think how many decisions you make in regards to your child all day long and give Dad a chance too!
• What are the top things that irritate your husband?  Does it drive him crazy to come home to a house with toys everywhere?  Does he need some quiet to transition to being home?  Some things are just inevitable when one lives with young children, but at the same time, instead of just brushing these things aside, perhaps take them under consideration and see if you can meet some of Dad;s needs or even wants even part of the time.  Happy Dad!
• Okay, ahem, how is your intimacy?  Men connect emotional intimacy through the physical.  That part of your life really should be a priority.  Enough said.
• Do you have a rhythm for your weekend?  A lot of mothers comment that they love having Dad home, but the weekends are a bit crazy.  If you could  sit down together and plan out what needs to happen on a weekend that might really help.  For example,  if you need time alone when that will happen, if Dad needs time alone when that will happen?    Do you plan anything fun together as a family?
• Dads don’t go through the same  hormonal swings we do with pregnancy, birth, lactation.  I find many Dads, especially first-time Dads,  really do miss their wives a bit as they adjust to parenthood.  Do you ever get to spend time with just your spouse?  Even if it is early in the AM, or later in the PM, it is worth cultivating that intimate time!  It seems like some mothers/fathers put their relationship last when they have small children (and babies and toddlers  have such  serious needs to be met), but as your child grows it seems partners should be able to talk after your children go to bed!  And finish sentences!
• Does Dad have a part in your homeschool?  What strengths and talents does Dad have that he could teach the children?  It is really fabulous to hear small children who think their Dad is the strongest, fastest, smartest.
• When does Dad interact with the children and care for them?  Dads need to be around for the little things in order for children to trust them with the big things.  That in itself builds respect.

I know this post sounds hopelessly old-fashioned, but one day your children will be grown up and gone.  At that point, I really want you and your spouse to be looking across the breakfast  table at each other in love. 

Marriage is such a wonder and a joy.  I have no doubt that my Beloved Creator made my husband just for me.  I hope you feel the same way about your spouse as well!

Live in Joy Together Today,

Carrie

Happy 21 years of our first date!  I love you even  more now, after 21 years, than then.  Thank you for sticking by my side for all these years and for growing with me.    There  is something about those 21 years and growing together as we have traveled this journey of college twice for me, your Master’s degree program, three dogs plus numerous foster dogs, pregnancy, attachment parenting of two beautiful children and now awaiting a third!, moving five times, military life and ex-military life, career changes, different interests, Waldorf  homeschooling – and the adventure continues.

You are a man of the highest integrity and you make me laugh.  Have a wonderful day knowing how much I love you.

Enough PDA for you, honey??

Carrie

Many mothers complain that their husbands are so lazy and so incompetent (which, to be fair, seems many times to be true!) but then these same mothers also wonder why their children are disrespectful to both parents.  Whew.  Many mothers also seem disappointed in their sons,  and what they perceive as such large differences between sons and daughters where the daughters seem more well-mannered/more intelligent/ etc than their sons.    Sometimes the differences between genders seems almost insurmountable in the home!  Small children are absorbing these impressions, how we talk to one another, the non-verbal communication, and really do understand the heart of how we feel in our own homes about one another.

Let’s tackle first things first.   Have you all noticed that many men do seem to be rather confused as to what their role is in this day and age?  It seems as if many of them wonder should their role be to work and make money or should it be to be sensitive and loving and able to care for the children?  Some men do seem to handle these roles well, but some do not……  Or is it that none of the roles “fit” and Dad ends up  just unhappy (and then it seems that some  Dads try to escape their own unhappiness through addictive or controlling  behaviors).  In this way, Dad is clearly not the head of the household in any way, shape or form and almost removes himself from family life.  It is Mom holding everything together.

Let me be clear, I am not condoning addictive behavior.  I am not condoning spouses who verbally or physically abuse their wives or children.  I am not writing this to make those who are going through a separation or  divorce feel guilty.  And although I did mention addiction issues above, really I am talking in this post  more about “normal” marriages where things are not going quite as well as one wishes.

To start with, let’s call a spade a spade.  A man is not a woman, and if woman expect a man to behave as a woman that is not understanding the differences!   Besides the obvious differences in physical appearance, weight, weight of the brain, ways the brain works, there are obvious social differences between men and women.  In my church, we have been doing a study of a biblical marriage based on the movie “Fireproof” (Has anyone seen that movie??).   According to my pastor, there was a study done through Harvard University that cited a man speaks, on average, 10, 000 words a day.  A woman speaks, on average, 25, 000 words a day.  (So, in my mind, a man has probably used up many of his words at work before he even comes home, LOL).  A different study cited that women stated they felt having at least a half an hour to forty-five minutes to talk with their partner was ideal.  Men felt about 10 to 15 minutes – a WEEK!- would be sufficient.  So there are some obvious differences!    However, perhaps there are ways to talk with your spouse or partner and at least come to an understanding of what each of you needs to be happy.

What does one do when Dad is not acting as the head of what is going on in the family?  I talk a lot on this blog of how many times the tone of the home needs to begin with the mother, how we are the light of the family, how we set a peaceful tone, how we model what is to be done with the children, etc.  But the truth is that there are two of us involved in making a baby, and there are two of us involved in parenting and two different perspectives to consider.  Mothers often get very upset when fathers do not do things the way they do, but are we the same people? No, of course not, so why would we do things the same way?   Have we shut Dad out by not letting him do anything because it is not “right”?  Have we belittled his efforts in front of our children? 

And what do we do when Dad is not really  participating in household life at all?  (And again, this is NOT about Dads who are fighting addiction issues.  This is more about the normal ups and downs of marriage that we all go through).

I wonder several things:

• I wonder if mothers can meditate and clarify what they specifically need from their husbands and can these mothers make a specific request that would be responded to by their husbands?  Not just the whole “everything is terrible” but something small and specific to start.
• Secondly, I wonder about what the husbands need and how those needs are being met in the home.  Men very frequently operate based upon a code of respect.  Is the home a place of nagging, a place where things are falling apart, a place where the man is not the champion of the home?  What would happen if the husband was treated as if he was the champion of the home and respected?  Would that change anything at all (it might not, I am just throwing it out there).   What can you do this week to make your husband feel respected in his own home? 
• Third, I wonder about family mission statements.  Have you all sat down and figured out a mission statement for your family – which would include what is important to ALL of you.  There is a popular post on this blog regarding writing a mission statement for your family here:  http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/05/08/creating-a-family-mission-statement/
• Many times counseling is extremely important for getting through the stage where you are both stuck because otherwise the same patterns play over and over and over.  One type of counseling  I am aware of  is this one: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/ called Imago Therapy. 
• I also wonder if the man has any physical things going on that is impacting his health, his mental health.  What kind of friends does he have?  Does he have any strong models for fathering at all?
• I wonder if  resentment is taking over in a marriage, can one start just by loving one’s spouse (again, NOT talking about abusive or addictive situations here!).  There is a very old saying that love is a verb.  Sometimes we don’t feel “loving” but as we do actions that show love and respect for the other person, then that “feeling” starts to grow again. 

Fathers do need to re-claim their place within the home.  It is important for a wife to show her husband respect, but it is equally important for a husband and father to show not only respect to his wife, but love.  It is important for a husband to create  a space where his wife feels safe.  Is this happening for you, what would this look like for you and what would you need to make this happen?

One small example I can think of this is where many fathers I have seen  will take their children aside when they are being disrespectful to  their mothers and simply say, “ I cannot and will not have you speak in that manner to the woman I love.”  This carries powerful weight to a child and suggests to the child the importance of this sacred marital relationship. 

My husband has said to me that there are no perfect wives and no perfect husbands (and therefore no perfect marriages!).  However, I hope that if you are at the point of resentment in your marriage, you could both go to counseling, you could both talk, you could both love and forgive each other through this and re-build on your marriage off the foundation that already exists  (and again, this is NOT to make those who are going through or who have gone through a separation and/or divorce feel guilty!).  So many important and wonderful things exist in this sacred marital union that cannot be fulfilled other places – the physical intimacy that is truly emotional intimacy, the communication and partnership that exists between two people committed for the family – it is worth fighting for, isn’t it? It is worth some effort, and it takes some effort, outside of parenting and homeschooling to make this happen. 

Marriage is a powerful and sacred connection.  All of us want to be loved for a lifetime, and I hope in the “busy-ness” of parenting and homeschooling, that both husbands and wives can stop and cherish the wonderful partnership that they  have together.

Much love,

Carrie