If a couple wants to solve a solvable problem, then the most popular conflict resolution method is to “put yourself in your partner’s shoes while listening intently to what he or she says, and then to communicate empathetically that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective.  It’s not a bad method – if you can do it.”

But many folks can’t do it.  By studying the happily married couples in his lab, Dr. Gottman came  up a five-step process for conflict resolution. 

Step One:  “Soften Your Startup” – Approach a subject you want to solve with humor; avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.  Be gentle with each other.  “Discussions invariably end on the same note they begin,” says Dr. Gottman.  So, if things start off defensive and nasty, the conflict is unlikely to end any better.

A harsh startup is more likely to happen if you let things store up; bring up issues as they happen.  Be clear, concise, polite, appreciative.  There are many exercises in this section to help you learn how to make a gentle startup. 

Step Two: “Learn To Make and Receive Repair Attempts”  -  This section talks about how to make repair attempts if the discussion gets off track and becomes harsh and defensive.  There is also a large section on phrases that will help soothe yourself and your spouse under the headings of “I Feel,”  “I Need To Calm Down,” “Sorry,” “Getting To Yes,” “Stop Action!” and “I Appreciate”. 

Step Three:  “Soothe Yourself and Each Other” -  Less stable marriages have a hard time with conflict discussions because inevitably one partner or the other becomes emotionally flooded.  If you are flooded, you cannot hear your partner and what they are saying.  If you become flooded during a conflict discussion, then you may need to stop and take a break.  Calming yourself down for twenty minutes or so before continuing the discussion can be invaluable.  After that, it is good to calm each other down.  Dr. Gottman notes that this is important: “Soothing your partner is of enormous benefit to a marriage because it  it really a form of reverse conditioning.  In other words, if you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse, you will stop seeing your partner as a trigger of stress in your life and instead associate him or her without feeling relaxed.”

Step Four:  “Compromise” -  there are several exercises to work on this most important step.

Step Five:  “Be Tolerant Of Each Other’s Faults” – Don’t focus on the “if onlies” but on the acceptance of flaws and finding common ground.

Many blessings,

Carrie

We are up to the seventh chapter!  Who out there is reading along?

This chapter brings up a really great point that no one ever talks about in marriage:  that there is two types of conflict in marriage.  One is the type of conflict that has a resolution, but the other type is perpetual and ongoing!  That’s what no one ever says, right?  That some marital conflict just IS and may be ongoing.

Dr. Gottman actually estimates that almost 70 percent of marital conflict is perpetual!  Wow!  He writes, “Time and again when we do four year follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about precisely the same issue.”

And guess what?  Despite the same perpetual problems and conflict, these couple remain happy and satisfied within their marriages!  This is because “they’ve learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.”

Problems are an inevitable part of intimately loving and living with someone else.  If we can develop strategies to cope with these problems, then we can live with it.  The difference is that in an unstable marriage, these perpetual problems kill the marriage because instead of coping with the problem, the couple just “gets gridlocked over it.”  Continue reading →

“In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, now in its eighth year, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence.  Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”

“Obviously it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we’re not singling men out here.  The point of this chapter is not to scold, bash, or insult men.  It’s certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect.  But my date indicates that the vast majority of wives – even in unstable marriages- already do that.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands.  It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision-making by taking their opinions and feelings into account.  But too often men do not return the favor.”

-page 100

This chapter does a great job pointing out the the happiest and most stable marriages are those in which the husband “treated his wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her.”  Their research found that when a man expressed anger, his wife would either match the intensity of anger or try to tone it down.  However, when a woman expressed anger, 65 percent of the men actually escalated their wives’ negativity by being critical, contemptuous, defensive or stonewalling.  By doing this, the husband essentially  ignored his wife, and demolished her point of view. 

When we convey honor and respect to one another, we set the stage for a happy marriage (and also, Carrie is here to add – stable, happy and respectful children!)  It provides a firm place for compromise, also a valuable skill to model for children.  It demonstrates the “us” of a couple and of a family over “me.”  It is not that happy marriages never see arguments, criticism or defensiveness – but that honor and respect do outweigh the negatives. 

“Research shows a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father.  He is familiar with his children’s world and knows all about their friends and their fears.  Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings – and themselves.”

There is an several exercises at the back of this chapter geared toward being able to compromise, yield, and hear the other person.  One of the exercises is directed toward husbands and one is an exercise of compromise for spouses to do together.

Many blessings,

Carrie

The opening paragraph of this chapter just made me just laugh:

“None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar.  Our archives are filled with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over her magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts.

You might think I’d find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring.  On the contrary:  When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married.”

The theme of this chapter is turning toward each other instead of turning away from each other.  In unhappy couples, these small connections rarely take place. 

Taking time to connect with each other in small spurts throughout the day and really responding to each other in small ways is really important to keep a marriage alive and well.   The questionnaire on page 81, “Is Your Marriage Primed For Romance?” highlights this idea with questions about spending free time together, enjoying doing the small daily tasks of life together, how much you and your spouse enjoy talking to each other.  “We have a lot of fun together.”  “When we go out together, the time goes by very quickly.”

This chapter also delves a little deeper by asking if you and your spouse are spiritually aligned, are your values the same, are your interests and goals compatible?

Being helpful to one another is a big part of turning toward each other.  How can you be helpful to your spouse every day, in the little ways that matter and count?  There are further questionnaires that  detail the contents of building an emotional bank account – in other words, what do you do for your spouse? what do you do together? 

Listening techniques are highlighted on page 88.  The  thought is to try to use these techniques, not when you are having a disagreement, but actually when your spouse is talking about something unrelated to your relationship (or, as Dr. Gottman puts it:  “when you are not your spouse’s target.”)  Putting forth an attitude of “we against them”, showing genuine interest, expressing affection, validating emotions. 

The last part of this chapter is about what to do when your spouse doesn’t turn toward you.  On page 92, “…. sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other.  For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict.  But I have found that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn’t connect enough, often the cause is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence.”  There are several more exercises designed to get to the heart of the matter of this disparity.

Friendship between spouses can be the greatest equalizer and balancer in a marriage.  “When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of view, even if don’t agree with it.  When there’s an imbalance of power, there’s almost inevitably a great deal  of marital distress.”

I think this is an important book.  Please get a copy and follow along!

Many blessings,
Carrie