31 Days to the Inner Rhythm of the Heart: Day Seven

Our 31 days to the inner rhythm of the heart, the root foundation of a house of peace, is in progress.  In the vein of those who are setting a New Year’s intention with “one word”, I offer the word of today to you:  relentless.  Read on for more…

If we truly want a no-yelling house, we have to be relentless in learning now to speak to each person in our family in kindness and love.

If we truly want a no-yelling house, we have to be relentless in not allowing sarcasm, put-downs, passive aggressiveness, threats, sarcasm and anger in ruling our household.

If we truly want a no-yelling house, we need to learn how to communicate.

Our children need to hear our parenting language change.  I wrote a post in 2010 regarding the need to hold boundaries in love by changing our parenting language:

This reminds me of an article that was shared with me at a La Leche League meeting many, many years ago.  It was written by Pam Leo, author of “Connection Parenting” and appeared in the 1997 Winter edition of Empathic Parenting.  She took concepts from Faber and Mazlish’s “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and modified them.

I am going to modify what Pam wrote, so here goes:

1.  When you blame and accuse me –

  • I hear:  I’m no good, I do everything wrong
  • I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need: for you to listen without interrupting and judging me, to set boundaries for me if I need, but most of all to love me despite my flaws and mistakes

2.  When you call me names –

  • I hear:  I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m no good
  • I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need: encouragement

3.  When you threaten me–

  • I hear:  a person I  love is going to hurt me
  • I feel:  afraid, in danger, unsafe, terribly alone
  • I need: boundaries set and kept  in a loving way, I need to see a way to de-escalate conflicts peacefully, I need to feel your warmth and your love

4.  When you command, order or coerce me–

  • I hear:  I have no choice, I am powerless, I don’t matter
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need: to be able to make mistakes when the cost is small in order to learn, limits but with enough freedom that I can still grow into being myself, understanding  and love

5.  When you keep warning me –

  • I hear:  I am careless, I am stupid, I don’t think well
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need:  a safe way to channel my wonderful ideas, my energy

6.  When you make martyrdom statements:

  • I hear:  I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am mean
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, guilty and bad
  • I need:  to see how someone asks for help when they need it, to see how someone can take care of themselves and still take care of others, how someone exercises self-control of their mouth, how someone has a positive attitude

7.  When you make comparisons:

  • I hear:  I am not good enough, everyone else is better, you don’t love me
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
  • I need:  you to guide me to improvement, you to show me how to solve a problem or a challenge

8.  When you are sarcastic –

  • I hear: voice words and tones that don’t match the situation
  • I feel: confused
  • I need:  your sincerity, your gentle voice and hands to guide me, to see how children of different ages are parented in different ways

9.  When you make negative prophesies–

  • I hear:  I will never do it right, I will never be enough, my life will be ruined
  • I feel:  hopeless, unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
  • I need: your encouragement, your guidance, your ability to let me mistakes when the cost is small, your love and compassion, your demonstration that sometimes “okay” is “good enough”

10.  When you lecture and moralize –

  • I hear:  I should be better than I am, I will never get this right
  • I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless. alone and isolated
  • I need:  your love, your boundaries to keep me safe, your warmth and understanding, your stories about what you were like at this age and what happened and did you ever at all feel the way I feel

Change your language and change how you feel toward your parenting.  Be relentless in this pursuit throughout the entire family, and you will see the benefits.

We have to become relentless in the pursuit of our children’s hearts.  We have to become relentless in the number of times we smile a day at our children, the number of times we hug them and tell them how much they mean to us.

We have to become relentless in our unconditional love.  This is the mission of what we need to learn not only as parents, but as human beings.

Many blessings,
Carrie

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7 thoughts on “31 Days to the Inner Rhythm of the Heart: Day Seven

  1. Yelling isn’t a real issue in my home, but at times I lose it and I forgive myself because it is a normal, natural emotion. For Mamas like me, I think yelling is a form of communication that works if used sparingly. Mama is upset, lets get serious. I think yelling can be explained simply by realizing that some distance came between me and my children. That our connection has veered too far apart, thus I have to speak louder in order for them to listen to me. When we are closer, closely connected, we speak in normal tone. Although when we are happy we get loud again.

    I also think yelling to get something done like “who didn’t replenish the toilet paper” is way different than yelling and berating a child.

    There are households where yelling is the norm, and your post might help them so yes, thank you. The emotional health of a family is so important.

    best, Nicole

    Sent from my iPad

  2. God Bless you for your Inner Rhythm series. They have been an answer to a few of deeper soul questions I had in my mind. You have a lot of wisdom and practical advice which is really needed, especially for me, as my aim as a Mother is to have a calm orderly household where I can enjoy my child and she can enjoy me!! Thank you so much.

  3. Thanks so much for this. Beautiful.

    I wanted to point out that your link didn’t come through:

    I wrote a post in 2010 regarding the need to hold boundaries in love by changing our parenting language:

  4. Pingback: before*after | violicious

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