I have written before about the really active, can-be-aggressive small child in several back posts of varying nature, but I had a few thoughts I wanted to share today. ( Please be sure to note I am dealing here with fiery temperaments, not especially with children dealing with sensory or developmental issues affecting behavior).
If you are struggling with a six year old who still seems rather “stuck” in immature behavior that involves physicality, I want to encourage you tonight. It doesn’t seem as if people really talk about this at all in parenting resources; it seems it is well- assumed that tantrums or any physical response to a limit is over by age three.
From what I have seen, six year olds can definitely still have a hard time controlling their hands, their emotions, their reactions, their physical responses and such. To those of us involved in Waldorf Education, this seems like of course! Has anyone ever read the book “Ramona The Brave” by Beverly Cleary? Here is a passage about fiery Ramona, six years old and in first grade at school, when she becomes completely angry at a classmate (for those of you who have not read this book it is a paper owl and Susan had copied what Ramona had done to make hers, which is why Ramona is angry in this chapter):
‘”Ramona slid out of her seat. Her chest felt tighter. Her head told her to keep her hands to herself, but her hands did not obey. They seized Susan’s owl. They crushed the owl with a sound of crackling paper.
Susan gasped. Ramona twisted the owl as hard as she could until it looked like nothing but an old paper bag scribbled with crayon. Without meaning to, Ramona had done a terrible thing.
“Mrs. Griggs!” cried Susan. “Ramona scrunched my owl!”
“Tattletale.” Ramona threw the twisted bag on the floor, and as Mrs. Griggs approached to see what had happened, she dodged past her teacher, out the door and down the hall, running as fast as she could, even though running through the halls was forbidden….She ran as if she were pursued by Susan, Mrs. Griggs, the principal, all of Room One, the whole school. She ran from her conscience and from God, who, as they said in Sunday School, was everywhere. She ran as if Something was coming to get her.”
(When Ramona eventually asks her parents not to make her return to Room One after several more things, her father tells her she must return and to buck up and show her parents her spunk, which actually makes Ramona feel better and gives her determination to do better because her “spunkiness” has been recognized and there is recognition she can use that quality for good).
Anger is an acceptable emotion. But being aggressive is not acceptable.
And the piece that is frequently lacking for parents is how to handle all of this. I am just a mother, and I can only tell you what other mothers have told me.
I do think there could be two separate issues here – one is dealing with the Ramonas of the world – fiery, hot, remorseful when it is all over (or perhaps a mix of remorseful but still a bit angry or feeling like they needed to do something in the name of justice and fairness, LOL) and those children who have truly deeper issues. Therefore, I caution you to look carefully at your own child, and determine things with your health care team if your child is on the spectrum of developmental delay in some regard, leading to explosive or difficult behavior. In these cases, I am not certain what I have to say here will be helpful as I am not a behavioral therapist or a psychologist.
If this is a child who has a true sense of disrespect for his or her parents and is consistently physically lashing out to the parents or other adults by biting, hitting or such at the age of six, I do feel outside counseling help may be warranted. It may not be that this is not “fixable”, but it may need extra help and the parents may need new help setting new patterns into play. I would wonder all sorts of things about that child, about the home life, that only someone in real life could investigate, evaluate and help with… This is not something to be figured out over email, over a blog, a forum, or a message board. This is something that a trained professional needs to be involved with for the behavior to change. And I think it is important to seek that help, because whilst human beings certainly always have the potential to change, what many parents have told me is that the patterns that are established when children are little still can be a “default mechanism” during times of stress as the child grows. So, I think seeking out someone who is respected, who is trusted and someone whom you can meet in person is important!
But, for those of us truly living with the simply fiery ones who get completely upset, and kick something (and maybe break it!) or who still throw themselves on the floor, I think there is hope. What I have seen and heard mothers say that has worked well are several things:
The most controversial one that parents talk about is holding their tantruming child, or even laying their body across a child who needs that gentle physical help to come back to themselves. Some may think five and six year olds may be too old for this, but I don’t necessarily think so . I think this one can be helpful for some children to come back but also insanely tricky because the parent really has to be calm and gentle and be able to say calmly that they are there to help the child calm down – and be able to do this with a child who perhaps is hitting at them or flailing around and still remain as calm as a stone. And, the child must be responsive to something like that and not have it escalate their behavior even more. No small order. So that one may not work for everyone.
So, in the moment is hard. Some children at age six can respond to humor or distraction, or a bit of flailing on the floor in another space where they are safe but not on top of people for a few minutes before a parent can step in and either hold them or try to sweep up in a matter of fact manner into a snack, a story or something else.
I personally feel very strong physically and emotionally comfortable about trying any of the above. At six or so, the child should be much easier to calm than previously. Sometimes at that age, a child will be happy to have a good ole’ fit on their own in their own room, their own space, under a table. I urge parents who are facing this to also think of a safe place where younger siblings could go if they are home alone dealing with this and have younger ones about.
If the child breaks something, then I feel he or she must fix it, pay for it, help Mom or Dad fix it, or not receive something they would otherwise get if they do not get an allowance to help pay for it. If the child hurts someone, I think they need to use their hands to do something nice for that someone, and also for a six and a half year old and up, I think they need to work for the number of minutes/ amount of time they spent having a huge fit that disrupted the whole family.
Rhythm is another strong aid. I find these children often have a lot of energy, may be extroverted in a sense, and without form and structure, their energy goes bad places. You need to be able to channel their energy until they can constructively channel that energy themselves. Six can be a more difficult age for this, because almost everything may be deemed as “boring.” Long periods of time in nature can be especially helpful and therapeutic.
All of the basics need to be looked at and re-examined: sleep, diet of good fats and protein sources, outside time, the stress level of the house, how many outside commitments is this small child under, and media levels.
Limits are important, and can be one of those fine line areas in terms of timing (not in setting the limit though, the limit still needs to be set!). Some parents have shared with me that they were slow to set limits in the early years, and this is the child that now responds so badly to them at age five and six; a “no” makes them fall apart now that they are older with disaster ensuing. If you know you are starting later with limits and limits sets your child off, you can still set the limit and not use words about it. I think I gave the example in another post that if all the children are fighting, then staying home is a good option. You don’t have to announce loudly to everyone that “now we are staying home because you all are horrible, terrible children who need to be hidden away!” but just do it. If comes up later, than you can say simply you were not feeling generous and we must be kind to each other. Curb your instinct to lecture and lash out. Some of these words can be delayed even to before bedtime if you need to bring it up.
But the fine line of this approach is this: after the child gets used to having some limits, then they do need to be set directly, because in life people will tell your child no,they will set limits and your child has to be able to take this without becoming angry or aggressive. A child may outgrow this sort of thing to an extent, but again from what I am hearing from parents of children with older children, again, is that this pattern did seem established in the ages of four to seven and did not just dissipate with time. It took work on the part of the parent to help that child. Also, I think what happens over time with these children if the adults are not careful, is that the adult does not want to set or enforce limits because that will lead to a battle, so what happens is instead of the child adapting to the limit, the child’s behavior ends up shaping the adult’s behavior. And this is a true problem that needs to be tackled, because that child may grow up and expect the world to adapt to them and what they want without any consideration for the others, for limits of the law, or other things. Not trying to sound dire here, but it is problematic. A trained family therapist or psychologist could also be helpful in this sort of situation as well.
Which brings us to community. I think children like this need a community of adults to help them and you as the parent,need to be mindful of when you are actually stepping in to be helpful or if you are just shielding your child and being a barrier between your child and what should be handled by the child’s teacher, or the adult the child was talking to. At six years of age, this child should not need so much rescuing from you in their interactions with others. Let them be. What they learn may be beneficial, and this is important work for the child to do. Homeschooling families will need to really look and make this a priority – who else does your child have to show respect and listen to besides you? And if an adult asks them something, do you step in and navigate the whole thing for the child?
Be encouraged. You can guide them and help this child grow up to use their gifts of passion, perseverance, sense of justice in positive ways. But do not shirk from doing the work. Your child must learn to deal with frustration and limits in a constructive way. You can do this, hang in there!
Just a few thoughts I have garnered from my conversations with mothers and my own experience with the physical child…
Many blessings,
Carrie
Yet another uncannily well timed post! Thank you! Do you have any advice for a 6 YO (in two weeks she’ll be six) who still impulsively acts out at her younger brother (who will be 4 in a few weeks)? Little things like walking by him and giving him a pinch or push for no apparent reason while he is playing and not bothering anyone. Everyone has told me that this can be typical sibling behavior, but I was an only child for 13 years and really have no reference point for this. I’m constantly horrified at this even though I realize I am probably over-reacting. She is not a bully, plays well with her brother more and more as he gets older, and gets along supremely with other kids. Phew! It’s just exhausting to have to repeat myself over and over that we don’t hurt people, especially those who love us so much (as he does her). This behavior earns her, consistently, time on the step away from her brother. Am I over-reacting? Do I react in some way *every* time she does this, or do I need to back off and sort of ignore the behavior? My husband said he was physically impulsive as a kid, and that it was actually hard to control those impulses. I have a hard time with this, as I was always a very in control kind of kid. A total goody-two shoes (I am still a stickler for rules). LOL. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much!
Erika,
There are many sibling posts on her under the family life tab, I believe some of those back posts also addresses sibling relationships/aggression/picking on each other.
I am an only child stickler as well, LOL….I think though for someone that young that behavior towards siblings is normal, but limits are still needed. I actually would work toward more occupying her through rhythm, work, being outside, work toward praising the things she does for him that are positive, and work toward showing very little emotion over it, no more than lint on the floor or when a child is potty training and they miss the potty and it is like, Oh well, I am sure you will get it next time. Showing that you have faith in her ability to learn to control herself.
Many blessings,
Carrie
Great Carrie, thanks. We started First today and, at the end, my son (6.75yo) said he loved it and then noted aloud to me that he didn’t hurt his younger brother the whole time! ie, the rhythm and structure gave him the boundaries/comfort/stimulus/love that kept him whole during this time! Gordon Neufeld uses the term “Stuck kids” – I highly recommend his online classes for anyone looking for intensive parenting coaching/learning!
Love this Emily! Happy first day of first grade! Glad it went well!
Blessings,
Carrie
To add for Erika, some Neufeld ideas – also as Carrie says, he teaches not to work on the problem in the incident. Out of the incident, focus on attachment/connection – touching; holding – even by 6, a lot of kids aren’t held in laps much if at all anymore; connecting about sameness – same color eyes, same interest in xyz. And of course, like Carrie says, the physical work and rhythm is all amazing and to be sure some is one-on-one with the older child…
One of the problems my (just) seven year old is having relates, I think, to his sense of justice/fairness. I saw the beginnings of this at our local pool this summer. There was a play area within the shallow part of the pool with slides, spraying water, etc. There was always a line of kids waiting to go down the slides, but no lifeguards were monitoring the area, nor were any adults allowed on this equipment. So, certain kids would keep skipping to the front of the line, so my son got sick of it, and I noticed him put his arm out to stop the skippers. So the skippers would push him to get past, and he would push back. And then, when it was his turn to go down, he would wait for the previous person to get completely off the slide at the bottom, before he would begin his descent. The other kids would start yelling at him to “GO!” sooner, but as far as he knew, he was doing the right thing, so he kept waiting. SO again, the kids would start pushing, and he would push back. I would suggest just going to a different area of the pool, and sometimes he would, but sometimes it seemed like he wanted to go right back up there and set things right. Now he has just started first grade at a Waldorf school after being homeschooled, and it sounds like the same thing is happening. Some kid shoves him for some reason, he shoves back. I can’t be sure what is causing the initial shoving, but I have never seen my son be the initial agressor, it’s only when he thinks he’s standing up for himself or trying to do the right thing. I’m having a hard time with how to advise him on this, as there is such a fine line between standing up for yourself, letting things slide off your back, being a doormat, etc. Of course, I’ve already told him to tell kids “stop” if they are hitting ar pushing, but what if they don’t? And if there is no adult right there? Any advice on how to help him deal with these kinds of situations?
Beth,
I don’t think I have any exceptionally wise words here. Seven year olds have a sense of fairness, that is common for seven, and I think adults really need to step in to help groups of children who are younger manage themselves and model and show how to do it. At the school? Surprising! Fairness and learning to control oneself are surely marks of seven year olds (and six year olds).
I think you are doing a great job, it is a hard thing to abstractly advise, better to advise in the moment in the situation!
Many blessings,
Carrie
Thanks for this post! My just-7 year old is feisty and some days he just completely loses it on his brother. We have been working on his temper ever since we realized he did not actually have a developmental problem, just a feisty, stubborn personality. I have had to explain to several teachers that “yes, he is capable of doing this work. He just doesn’t want to or doesn’t see why he should have to do it that certain way”. Other teachers have just “got” him immediately and had no problems handling him.
My husband is very good at calmly pinning him down until he calms down. I can’t manage it, so I send him to a safe room (usually my bedroom which only has our bed and a wardrobe) to rant and rave until he is calm, sometimes three or four times in a row.
We also find that a limited media diet, good food, time outside or bike riding and having some snuggle time every day help him immensely. My latest hurdle is that his friend who is in his class brings lots of sugary, highly processed food to school and shares it with him, which does terrible things to his temper, attention span and general mood. I’m still trying to work out what to do about this . . . .
In any case, thanks for the reassurance that we’re not alone.
Thanks Jill, that is exactly the kind of child I was thinking of in writing this post! THank you for sharing!
Many blessings,
Carrie
Thanks for this post Carrie! We have been dealing with a fiery, loud, energetic and angry daughter for years now. She is 10 and her temper turns on a dime. She has had bouts of aggressive behavior over the years and has been deemed ‘healthy and bright’ by a family counselor that we have been seeing for months.
However, I am afraid that counseling has not helped her handle her emotions at all. From what I can tell, there has been nothing traumatic in her past that would cause her to be an ‘angry child’. I truly think it is a tempermant that has gone to the extreme.
We homeschool and she has 3 younger brothers who are very cheerful, calm boys. I feel at a loss as to how to go about handling her outbursts (which now include disrespect and swearing). and wonder sometimes if I’ve done something to cause her to feel angry.
I know this is a lot to throw out there on your blog but really respect your opinion and would love to hear another outsider’s perspective on this issue!
Hi Homegrownlife,
I meditated on your situation overnight and will email you.
Many blessings,
Carrie
I am so happy to have read this post. Although I’ve read the Gesell Institute notes on six year olds, sometimes I need to hear the same information 10 different ways before I really digest it. Our six year old has been fiery-tempered from the moment he could grunt. My own difficulty is that his hard-headedness has brought out latent hard-headedness in me, and sometimes I feel like I have two fiesty kids to calm – me and him!
You hit the nail on the head with suggesting active, outside time, but his need for energy-releasing activities and my ability to provide outlets for him are not always in sync. I also have a nearly-2 and 4 year old, and I find meeting my 6 year old’s needs and the other children’s needs sometimes takes more energy and creativity than I have. I am certain, however, that I need to focus more on this. Thanks for giving me so much food for thought!
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My 6 yr old was suspended today for punching her teacher, when I asked her why? she told me the teacher was making her do something that was to hard…. but she told her uncle Dana that the teacher would not let her go outside…. and this is mins after she had just met with a psychologist at her school…. I have been told by her the kids pick on her…. but I mean with all the stories I dont know what to do… I am at wits end….
Oh, Kathy, so hard…
What did the psychologist say? Does school really stress her out? Would taking a break from school and homeschooling be possible for a time to take her out of that environment where she is in trouble? Is she in the right grade level? Wrong grade levels can also create a lot of anxiety for a child. I highly recommend the books “Your Six Year Old” by Bates and Ames, (The Gesell Institute) =very cheap used on Amazon and “Simplicity Parenting” By Kim John Payne. It may also be worth talking to your pediatrician and employing a family counselor outside the school environment.
Blessings,
Carrie
Very well written and helpful article. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience. I find my daughter falling in second (fiery, energetic) group. The puzzle we are struggling with that she is best behaved at school and in front of others but completely different personality and angry and demanding at home and more so with her mother than me as I believe she has been late in setting the limits and when she has she has not stock by it. I also think my daughter who I think is extremely bright perhaps even specially gifted has figured out our different approaches in dealing with her wrong doings and behaves completely different in presence of us. So 3 exhibits of behavior, outside, inside with one us and inside with both of us! I appreciate any thoughts or advice on how to best handle confrontations. Thanks balazagi
Balazagi,
Six is a tough age in terms of it being a watershed time for development, so first of all I think you can expect improvement with age. I recommend the Gesell Institute’s books “Your Six Year Old” “your Seven Year Old” etc. for information about the developmental differences from age to age and what to generally expect. As you mentioned, boundaries can be the other important piece of this puzzle. Sometimes children hold it together really well for those outside the family because they feel safest inside the family. Sometimes because of the way education has changed so much children have a lot of stress at school at an early age and basically come home and fall apart. Sometimes the family needs help to set appropriate boundaries in a healthy way, either by both parents talking and getting on the same page or by having the parents go and speak with a family counselor, which is usually very helpful to have an outside eye to help bring things together. I wrote a post recently about boundaries here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/2013/04/03/boundaries-for-gentle-parenting-why-how/ and there are also many other posts under the “Discipline” header at the top of this blog and also the other posts on the six year old filed under the “development” Header.
The third piece of this is that there are also innate differences in the relationship between mothers and daughters and fathers and daughters — the Gesell Institute books detail this fairly well. That could be another piece of the puzzle.
And finally, the fourth piece is understanding that six year olds need a lot of doing. They need real work, a lot of time outside playing, time to bike and hike and swim and not a lot of screen time. This can be a tall order but I often find parents willing to work from this very physical body kind of angle, along with earlier bedtimes, low or no screen time, whole foods, and boundaries often have a different child by the end of a few months of this. Three to four hours of play outside a day is not too much for a six year old, and many would be happy to be outside all day if they could.
I don’t know if you are here in the States or one of my readers from around the world, but summer is approaching here in the States and often can be a time to start a new parenting plan that includes many of these features that could be extended into the school year. I recommend the book “Simplicity Parenting” by Kim John Payne as a helpful guide in this.
Blessings,
Carrie