Looking For Your Discipline Challenges

What discipline challenges are you currently facing?  I am especially interested in those of you who have babies/toddlers and also those of you who have children who are over the age of eight.  What help do you need with gentle discipline?

Please leave a comment in the comment box if there is a particular concern you would like to see addressed…there really is no question too small because if you have a question about that, I am sure someone else does as well.

I believe as a community of mothers we should all help each other and give back to each other.  Therefore, thank you  for sharing  your “challenging” areas with us, and here’s to future blog posts!

Many blessings,

Carrie

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33 thoughts on “Looking For Your Discipline Challenges

  1. Hi,
    i would like to share some challenges i have with disciplining. i have 3 girls aged almost 7 , 4, and 3 months.

    my first two girls squabble and argue alot. sometimes it feels like all day! they tease each other and are always in competition with each other. i try my best to not get frustrated with them when they are squabbling. however anything else i have tried doesnt seem to work.
    they are great friends as well and do have days of playing together very well.
    i sometimes wonder if it is the age difference that makes them squabble. i feel at a loss to know what to do sometimes when they are acting hurtful, saying nasty things to each other and occasionally pushing each other.
    i would love some suggestions.
    thanks Carissa

  2. My discipline challenge: *being exhausted* by two year old behaviour, such as regularly refusing to do things that have always been a part of the daily rhythm (i.e., hand washing when coming in from the park, getting dressed in the morning, brushing teeth after meals) and fighting that (with kicks sometimes) even when I continuous try modeling, singing, imagination, *moving with* etc, etc. And being exhausted by continuous destructive engery (breaking and ripping things, pushing other children) even with good environmental controls, peaceful environment, no media, and 4 hours of outside play time. I just feel like I am being continually challenged by my two year old and it is so tiring that I lose my patience and say unhelp things, or I feel like I am a nag saying “careful” and “gentle” all the time. I understand these behaviors from a developmental perspective, but I am so tired by how relentless they are.

  3. My oldest child- a girl who is nearly nine- is very excitable, strong-willed and craves constant activity, projects and creative outlets. She also has a quick-temper and has trouble being peaceful at home often. She is of course amazingly loving, creative and nurturing also (not to just put the negative traits out there!). We homeschool (ages 8 1/2, 6 1/3 and 4 yrs) and although we have learned to discipline/parent her gently and carefully, it would be helpful to hear about some ideas for balancing her excitability/intensity. Thanks!

  4. I have an 11 month-old boy and a three year-old daughter. My daughter is my big challenge as she is high energy, a non-stop talker, attached to my side most all the day, and in love with her little brother. She wants to play with me or play with him constantly. I try but frequently struggle to involve her in my rhythm and kitchen life (small space, me-a new cook). Excuse me, I’m rambling a bit!

    My main discipline issue is at the park. My three year-old daughter has been running away from me – out into a field usually- but sometimes down the sidewalk of a busy street. Saying “stop!” at the top of my lungs, or “no!” isn’t working well. Honestly she is just having so much fun – and sometimes likes it that I’m chasing her… ha ha. The rule is that we will immediately leave the park if and when this happens and it’s happened three times now. Hard part is when we’re with another family. Spanking kids is in my family, and it’s so frustrating that my mind keeps going that direction. It’s not the way I want to parent. In these situations where it could be a serious situation (busy street etc.) I am really struggling with how to make her listen.

    I try to have gentle discipline – but sometimes I feel like I’m being a push-over and have little control.

    Thanks so much for this open post ! I am looking forward to other parent questions and your response.

  5. my boys are almost 4 and 1.5. our daily challenge is having my older son be more gentle with his younger brother. he grabs toys from him constantly and knocks him down often. it all started once the little one started crawling and getting into his older brother’s stuff. they can also play nicely with each other and have a good time.
    would love to hear suggestions how to deal with this issue. it really makes my days harder than they can be.

  6. I have a 27 month old boy and the MAIN challenge we are currently facing is TESTING. There are days we have many tantrums…mostly about him wanting something and me saying no. He gets so upset, it sometimes seems impossible to calm him down. We find ourselves “giving in” a lot & I feel in my heart its sending the wrong message. “If I cry long enough, I’ll get what I want” but sometimes I just dont have it in me to fight with him. But lately its been extending to his nap and bedtime. I want to be gentle and rational but I feel both of us becoming frustrated……thanks carrie for your response to my last post…..Jamie

  7. Hi there! I just found your website today looking up gentle discipline and subscribed.

    My 13 month old daughter sometimes slaps my husband in the face when she’s really frustrated/angry. We deal with it fine when she’s doing it out of overzealousness, but when she does it repeatedly out of seeming frustration we’re at a loss. To give you an example, this morning he got up with her to let me sleep in a bit, shut the door and went out into the living room. Normally in the morning I either leave for work, in which case she knows I’m gone, or I get up with her.

    So this threw her off her routine, anyway suffice it to say she’s not pleased and after awhile she just starts crying and keeps hitting him angrily. He tries saying “no, be gentle please” and showing her a gentle touch using her hand. This doesn’t work, he puts her on the floor saying something along the lines of “you can’t hit me, it hurts.” She remained crying for a bit at which point I had woken up and nursed her, she wasn’t terribly hungry at that point, just wanted me and knew I was off somewhere in the house.

    We don’t really expect her to understand the concept of not hitting yet, or of causing others pain, but I’m wondering what might be a better/more productive way to deal with this. In terms of what to say or do with her when she wont stop doing something that’s hurtful to someone. Or do we just have to remain patient and wait till she gets the concept.

    Thanks for listening! If there’s already a post on here that deals with the topic I’d love it if you could link me to it!

  8. I have a nine-year-old girl who refuses healthy eating.

    She has extreme pickiness and texture issues. She gags when trying to eat meat products. She refuses all legumes, beans, eggs, and therefore finding protein is a tremendous challenge. She refuses all vegetables.

    I read your admonishments to make sure that children’s meals are healthy and nourishing, and my soul cringes and shrinks. I do everything “right.” We present healthy foods, with no pressure or commentary, at mealtimes. Our household is entirely sugar-free. My daughter still refuses to eat anything but grains all day long. She is at the 2nd percentile and her pediatrician tells me to get calories into her at any cost.

    I don’t know how to incorporate this into the Waldorf significance on healthy meals. (PS: I have four other children who eat anything and everything under the sun.)

  9. yeah…any tips for keeping my husband from going off the “rails” LOL

    sometimes, he does things that boggle my mind…I often don’t say anything unless it’s something really horrible (like telling my 3 year old that she stinks when she is resistant to changing a dirty diaper)…but he stopped doing that, after we spoke

    I get the whole “trust your partner” thing…i really do :) but sometimes, I’m horrified — and I don’t like to say anything in front of Emerson…

    oh wait…you wanted questions about kids LOL

    I’m sure i’ll have some once the new baby comes :)

  10. Yes, sibling rivalry, please! My 7.5-year-old and 3.5-year-old fight non stop, it seems, and I would love a Waldorf perspective on handling it.

    P.S. I love your blog and read it every day!

  11. My son is 2.5 years old and he heard someone say a swear word. He doesn’t really realize or understand why we shouldn’t say it, but he loves to say it. My husband and I aren’t sure how to get him to stop. Whenever he would say it today, I would talk about what sound an animal makes when he’s frustrated. So I would say “What sound does a bear make when he’s frustrated?” And then I growled loudly and chased him into a corner and tickled him. :) H loved it, but still said the word later in the day. Any thoughts?

    Also, we are trying hard to set boundaries in a gentle and positive way, but sometimes it seems like it’s just not working. My husband says that if we are trying a method and it’s not working, then we need to try something else. He would like our son to obey instantly, and we’ve talked about how it’s hard for 2 year olds to just do what we say, that they need more help in doing things we ask. But I think my husband naturally leans toward a more punitive way of dealing with things. I’m not really into punitive things though, and actually like the unconditional parenting idea, but I admit that I have a hard time actually putting it into practice.

    So today my son all of the sudden started throwing toys in the den. Big toys. How do get him to stop that (assuming he’s not hungry, tired, etc), without just asking him to stop or explaining why that’s not okay, etc? And how do we do it so that he won’t keep on doing it? I’m realistic and realize he will keep on doing things sometimes, but it seems like sometimes he really wants to do the opposite of whatever we ask. I give him and my 10 month old a lot of attention during the day….just not sure what to do.

    Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. :)

  12. Hi Carrie, I asked you recently about some struggles with my 17 mo old. You did answer some questions through email, but here again, in case anyone else is finding similar issues: Basically, he is quite determined already to do things his way, and often refuses to get in his seat at mealtimes, get in the carseat, have diaper changed.

    At the same time, he still wants to be held and carried around often by me, is very leary and shy of strangers, and still nurses many times a day.

    My real question was: am i coddling him by trying to make things easy for him, that is should i be more insistent about making him get in his seat, putting him down even if he follows me around the house crying, etc. He is my third of three and my baby. I don’t however want to delay his natural growth by “babying” him, as some people in my life believe I am doing.

    that’s my current issue.

  13. Carissa, I have a seven and fourteen year old who can play well together especially outdoors yet in the house, particularly when I need to focus on something like dinner preparation,and am tired and they are probably tired and hungry, they go at each other. What I have learned over these seven years even though I am a big proponent of benign neglect, is that they need me in the middle in those moments to be fully present and to re-direct the energy, either by engaging them in something positive like a game of Old Maid, Uno or Fish, or rough housing with them or engaging them in work, helping with dinner prep or one fetching something in this direction and the other chopping an onion or something. It’s those will forces that need a massage.

    With younger children you might engage them by building a pretty scenario on the floor with a cloth, some blocks, pinecones, shells, a little figure of wool, or begin to set up a tea party for the dollies while humming to yourself or singing a sweet tune, fully focused on your play. Or maybe tell a story and dress the children up to fit the story as you go, deep in the earth the dear little plants lay asleep and cover them and then wake said the sun and creep to the light…. and slowly slip out of the play as they slip in…..

    hope this helps, I look forward to more from Carrie

    I have also observered in myself that the older child does not always get to do things he’d like to do with me because of the youngster’s presence (he’d say existence) like go to movies, shop for hoodies, teen age stuff. Yet the youngest gets his stories and back rubs and attention.

    I wonder if there are seven year old activites you might do with your oldest like jump rope, hop scotch, help in the kitchen? Is there an older child in the neighborhood who might watch the four year old while baby naps so you can be with the seven year old?

    Another lesson I have learned is never to judge their conflicts when I do not see the actions and look at the bigger dynamic between the two of them. Why does big brother get so angry? What does little brother need right now?

  14. a big thankyou Lisa for your comments. my husband too has just read your post and we are going to try some things differently tommorrow.
    your last comment about not judging the conflict has really struck me deeply as i just got insight into how i do this and often i blame who i hear being the ‘meanest’ without really knowing whats going on. I now wonder how by me doing this contributes to the competitive dynamics that is between them. anyway, i am thinking very deeply since reading your reply. It will be interesting to see what unfolds once i become more mindful of my part in this dynamic and also practice being more present when the conflict occurs.

    thankyou very much.
    Carissa

  15. First of all, it does give me such a sense of peace to see that other moms are facing the same discipline challenges– thank you for creating this space for us to share.

    Like Elizabeth, I find myself tired and frequently frustrated by my two year old’s strong desire to assert her independence– by refusing to do basic things throughout the day. So often, I feel like I give up, opting to try again later, with a new approach. I don’t want to be too rigid, I want peace in my house. And while this does seem to work, I worry that my daughter isn’t learning to listen to me.

    And, like Laura, this most bothers me when we’re playing outside or out in public, when I need to keep my daughter safe. She may want to run off, and there is no tone or word that I can use that she takes seriously. Sometimes she chooses to ignore (because she’s so excited, having fun), sometimes she laughs at my attempt to be stern.

    How do I gain a little more control, while still allowing her to feel free?

  16. Hi! I have two boys turning 3 and 6. At the moment it seems like all they do is fight all the time. The eldest continually teases and irritates his younger brother until he is screaming in frustration. And of course the youngest gets his licks in as well. We have tried providing activities to all do together so I can help referee play but invariably they end up fighting over the orange crayon/red shovel/green chair etc. etc. etc. I feel like I’m going to loose my mind and would love some suggestions! I feel like my siblings are some of the closest friends that I have and don’t want the boys to miss out on this special relationship.

  17. Oh, also my 2.5 year old always runs everywhere when we’re out. It’s exhausting! He’s really active, but it just makes going out a pain sometimes. I actually hardly go out during the week and wait to run errands till the weekend when my husband can go with us. I can’t even really take my son and daughter out with me alone because they are such a handful.

  18. Carrie,
    My son is almost 5 and my daughter is 2. When she does something to make him angry (knocks down his tower that he is building, for eg), he squeezes her arm really hard or growls at her as fiercely as he can. I know, it’s relatively tame. But I would like to offer him some good ways to express his anger without hurting or scaring someone else. I’ve tried trying to get him to run around the house or yard but he is really not interested in that at all. The only thing I can think of is to yell (not at anyone– just a great exclamation) or hit a pillow really hard several times. Those work for me! I don’t think yelling is probably a great option though. Interestingly what works best is to try to mediate the dispute and have her make retribution, then give lots of hugs all around.
    Any helpful ways to express your anger?

    Some time I would love to hear your thoughts about making it through pregnancy with multiple little ones at home. We would like to have more children but I’ve had completely wretched morning sickness for 4-5 months and then intermittent nausea for the duration both times I have been pregnant. I worry that if I go through that again, I will feel terribly guilty that life is boring and not good enough for my children here. I’ll be lying on the sofa, unable to tell a story or do a single little project with them. I know many homeschooling mothers have lived through this but I want to feel that I am doing the right thing for my family. Honestly I am still dealing with feeling as if I have to “measure up” to the fun of going off to school (preschool and the very early grades, anyway). At the heart of the matter is the fact that homeschooling was my idea and my husband was very against it for a long time. Now he is in favor of trying it out for a few years (we are committed to working as a team and making mutual decisions) but I still feel as though it was my idea. He and his family have always thought that preschool was just such a rich and wonderful experience for our children. He is pleased that we do fun things together at home now. It is a lot of pressure but I am praying every day for peace in this, praying for God to hold us in his hands (and for me not to over-think it or try to control everything).

    Thank you for all you do Carrie!

  19. I so appreciate what you write here, I’m excited to see where this post goes.

    I have a 4.5 year old daughter and an 18 month old. My oldest daughter loves rules and order, and she has a fantastic memory (she taught herself to read in the last few months simply by memorizing thousands of words, and then teaching herself phonics to learn the words she didn’t recognize. I’m more than a little shocked.)

    Our issue is that she wants to be equal to my husband and I. She wants to make rules for us, wants us to do precisely as she says when she says it, speaks rudely to us, yells, and on occasion hits when we enforce what we’ve told her to do. I know I sound totalitarian when I say this, so please believe that we offer choices whenever possible, we let her control what is hers to control, and we let her live with consequences of her own decisions.

  20. Hi Carrie,

    We have three girls, 7, almost 4 and 2. We recently moved our youngest to a “big girl” bed and since then bedtime has become very challenging. Up until then our bedtime rhythm was pretty well established. I should add that this move also included my oldest moving to her own room after sharing with my middle daughter and my middle daughter is now sharing with my youngest. Every night seems to be chaotic and no one seems to be getting to sleep until after 9pm (we start bedtime at 7 and the girls used to be asleep by 7:30 or so) Any advice or insight into how to get the bedtime rhythm back on track would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks for this wonderful blog :)

  21. For me, it is definitely the yelling/grunting-dare I say whining of my almost 3 year old.

    I have a tool chest full of tips and strategies for the some of the more “physical” challenges-hitting others, running away from me, etc.. Natural consequences and modeling work really well with that. If my guy runs, I don’t chase, as that is too much fun-I stand, he comes after not too long because he is I am sure picking up on my mood change, and then he has a time in-he stays very close to me-sometimes in my arms, other times right beside me holding hands. After a little while of that, my explorer is ready to explore again-amazingly, he doesn’t stray too far.. If my little one is hitting, modelling gentle, paying lots of attention to the “injured” one and reenacting the episode in a made-up story later seems to help-He often will say when I am re-telling the incident in story form-no hitting Mahone, be nice to your friend… Funny in a way… I also have really realistic expectations about gentle play between toddlers/sharing, etc… I always say there are adults that cannot manage that-I am actually suprised when a toddler can, rather than expecting they will.

    HOWEVER, I am at a complete lost of how to respond when he is yelling, demanding from me something, shouts at me in response to any direction… I know it is a phase and I understand some of the whys to the behavior.. I just don’t know how to respond..

    Thanks so much Suzin

  22. What to do on days when every little thing prompts a major meltdown for a two year old?

    He’s so cute though, saying “Finny’s crying” and “snuggle mommy”

    Our other challenges include pushing babies over and bullying the kitties. Is it b/c bigger kids pushed him when he was younger? Most of his buddies are 4-5 months older.

    And the most tricky of all, weaning from night nursing. I’m ready to get some sleep!

  23. Hi Carrie,

    Thank you for your help on the diapering challenge I had- things have improved, I’m understanding him better (like nursing him before a change makes him calmer). There are still days when I just let him crawl around until I can get him calm, or hold him (which sometimes results in me needing to change MY clothes), but all is generally better.

    The latest big challenge actually stems from me. I had been getting migraines before I was pregnant, they mostly went away until recently. I learned how to breathe to warm my extremities through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but some days it just isn’t working, since I am always go-go-go with my son (now a little over 9 months old). When he’s awake, he constantly wants my attention- to hold him, to nurse him- he gets upset if I put him in a Pack-n-Play (I call it the Pack-n-Prison) even for a little bit because I need to do something that would keep me from engaging with him (handling raw meat or cutting veggies for dinner, eating my own breakfast or lunch, etc). At this stage, he needs constant supervision- he’s a speed-crawler, starting to stand, and tries to grab everything to put in his mouth, despite our trying to baby-proof.

    I am definitely not taking care of myself first so I can take care of everyone else- it’s the other way around most of the time. So it would happen that this week I have had a migraine almost every day, and nothing is helping to get rid of it (not even my little luxury of an organic energy drink that works better than the prescription medication I was once on). In the midst of all this, I still need to take care of my son, no question.

    How can I fudge it, even for a little while, and not worry that I am being an evil Mahmah by either putting him in the PnP or nursing him back to sleep so I can try and rest?

  24. Hello,
    I just found your blog and so excited to have found someone in line with my idea of good parenting and family living. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and a 16 month old boy. My two most frustrating challenges right now are with the older one. He is a very imaginative, curious, I might even say analytical child. He destroys a great majority of things. Sometimes it is out of curiosity of how it works. Sometimes it is because he wants to break things apart to make a stick because he loves sticks and can’t have enough sticks. Other times I think he just likes destroying things. I give him free reign to explore and use his imagination with lots of things that I’ve told him are okay to play with, rip apart or break. I also tell him repeatedly which things I don’t want him to continue to try to destroy. When he does it, I remind him again and he either says, “oh”, or he has a reason that he wants to do it. I ask him questions like, “What would happen if you broke all of these?” “Would we have no more to use?” “What happens when you break things that mommy told you not to?” “Does it make Mommy sad?” “Do you want to make Mommy sad?” And other questions to either help him to think or for me to try to understand why. I don’t always find out what is motivating him to break things, but a lot of times it is just because he thinks it is fun. I continue the conversation in a very gentle and kind way, letting him know what the unfavorable result is from breaking things and that he can have fun with many other things.
    My second challenge with him is that he likes to make messes whenever I either try to take a nap or happen to fall asleep. My children do not nap at the same time, so I can’t take a nap when they do. I have to stay awake when the little one is awake because he gets into a lot of things that can hurt him and the older one sometimes plays too rough. I’ve had talks with him about it because he is extremely verbal and has been since he turned two. He says he doesn’t like when I sleep. I try to make deals with him and explain to him that I will feel happy and ready to play, bake with him, do a puppet show, etc as soon as I wake up from my nap. I explain to him that Mommy is sick and needs to rest to get better if that happens to be the case. I don’t take naps every day or even every other day, just every once in a while or when I am really sick. There are just some days that I am just so tired that I fall asleep even when I am not trying to. I try to go to bed as soon as I can, but there are the usual household things and computer related things that I have to keep up with and can’t get done when they are awake. The messes also happen whenever he thinks I am busy with something and won’t notice what he is up to (like vacuuming so I can’t hear what he’s doing). The messes are things like climbing on a chair to get to the upper shelves of the refrigerator and dumping out vitamins, jars of stuff, dropping glass jars on the marble floor. Dumping out spice jars, squeezing out toothpaste or lotions or anything that he can get his hands on with the help of a chair or knock down with a stick. I know he sounds like a menace, but actually most of the time he is really sweet and helpful and we have a lot of fun together. Just to let you know, I’ve recently (last 4 or 5 months) have learned to incorporate him into my rhythm of household things I do and I’ve changed my ways so that my childrens’ needs most often dictate the pace of the day and what we do that day. Before, I used to try to get all the chores and cooking done and fit in playtime, now it’s all about involving them in my day or playing with them as the major goal and not being so focused on what I need to get done. It seems to really make him happier and still a challenge for me to do. I’d love the hear your thoughts.
    Angeline

  25. Hello,
    I have recently found your page and I have found it very inspiring. We are a waldorf inspired family and you have so many great things to share. My challenge right now is with my 5 year old. He has picked up some words from a tv show that I don’t like. We have changed the tv viewing but he still uses these words, stupid and shut up. How can I steer him away from using these words. Me and my husband do not use these words. Thank you for all of your insight.

    Emily

  26. I have a ten and a half year old boy. I share custody with his father, we have an every other week schedule. Our current issue is this : he constantly negates anything we say. I can’t decide if it’s where he is in his development or if it’s a trait he is bringing home from his father’s environment as that is something I didn’t enjoy about his father’s personality…constantly putting up a wall to any suggestion or comment I would make. I want to repsond in a healthy manner to my son, in a way that doesn’t insult his person, however, it wears on me…the constant “arugments” about trivial things…Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

    Stephanie

  27. Thanks, Carrie, that does help! (Looking back, I read “discipline challenges”, I thought about “discipline challenges,” but when I sat down, all I remembered was “challenges”- that’s baby-stole-my-brain & mommy-brain-mush for ya!

    Actually, I am now having a “discipline challenge”. Teething has commenced, which wasn’t so bad with the first two on the bottom, but now a third is breaking through on the top & he’s testing things out- including while nursing. My husband says I should stop nursing & give him a little whack on the butt each time & say, “No biting!” but I don’t want to hit him, nor do I think he’ll get it. I’ve stopped nursing & put him in the “Pack-n-Prison”, and of course bawling begins, so I’m not sure which is worse- a little spanking or separation. The testing is of course worse when he’s wonky from being tired & hungry, which just makes it more difficult to get him to calm down & nurse to sleep.

    Kerrie

  28. I have found this website when it feels like I have reached my wits end. I have an 11 year old boy and an 8 year old daughter. My son is constantly negative. Nothing is ever good enough, nothing is worthy of a joyous response. We could spend an entire day doing activities entirely of his choosing, and he will still complain at the end of the day. It wears on my soul. He seems deeply angry, but I don’t know why. He is jealous of my daughter, and of course, feels that she is treated better. He refuses to do his chores, to help out the family in any way, without a huge argument that usually ends in tears–both his and ours! How can I help him to find joy in his life?

  29. Hi Carrie

    I too have difficulty with the whining and yelling of my 3-year old.
    The problem is more mine – I have very sensitive hearing and his high pitch yells immediately makes my blood boil. It is taking a lot of self control not to scream back at him.
    I would like to know how I can help him through the stage but also if there is something I can do to help myself.
    The problem gets compounded on some days when my 18-month old is demanding and clingy. Although not a discipline challenge it is a challenge for us at the moment. How to deal with seperation anxiety. She has been so confident, exploring on her own etc. and the last couple of months she has become extremely clingy. I hate to see her so miserable, and do try to meet her needs. But sometimes it is hard to meet the needs of all the family members.
    I wondered if the hormonal changes during the month and my menstrual cycle has an effect – have you ever come across it? She seems to be most upset, clingy and wants to constantly breast feed the few days leading up to my period. If this can happen, do you have any suggestions how I can help her?
    Thanks
    And warm regards from a rainy NZ

  30. Hi Carrie, Thank you for your warm welcome and kind words. I love your blog, it’s so inspiring and rich! We seem to have alot in common. I am striving to find as much time as I’d like to blog and organize all I’d like to say while getting on with life. I look forward to your posts. Warmly, Lisa

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